about to eat my whole fridge

[r3drobin]

ive been wondering all day why i feel so empty... i cant seem to eat enough today even though my belly feels full. i'm a pit. so until i said outloud while ago, "i feel so empty" did it dawn on me... its an emotional emptiness.

not like i shudnt know that...my whole life is empty and disappointing and im falling back into my alone trap... sitting in my apartment not taking my calls...pushing away people that want to just say hello how ya doin. people that care about me i just cant face becuz im tired of telling them that life sux and hearing them tell me it will be fine... it'll work out.

i do somehow manage to get to the gym and straight back home...sometimes straight back to bed.

i dont have a job, cant seem to find a job, have very VERY little money left, bills are due...a broken lost relationship still lingers in my mind. my mothers death earlier this year... i couldnt shake if i tried. i got on anti-depressants about 2 months ago and now i cant afford another dr visit to maintain them. cant afford to see my therapist. cant afford the donuts and chips i wish i had right now to fill me!!!!!!

ive missed church the past 2 sundays and been intimate w/a married man who has been a lifelong friend of mine. i know i'm living wrong and i feel horrible about it but i also feel like im on a banana peel and cant stop.

i put in applications daily and never get responses... most jobs arent even paying enough for me to pay my bills. i dont know how i did it before and i dont know how to do it now! ive cut back all my expenses but im drownin here. i do not know what to do. all i want to do is eat and lay in bed watching tv. i find it harder to move every day.

i have got to get a grip.

thx for listenin to me rant.

 

 

robin

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.

- Maya Angelou

[Madame Fox]

Dear Fridge Threat,

 

First of all, let yourself make mistakes as long as you learn from them. Secondly, go out and volunteer to do anything helpful. Stand on the street corner and just 'hello sir' or 'hello ma'am' ask them if they are having a good day. LISTEN TO THEM. The more people you can look into the eyes of, the more people you swap a life affirming energy with, hokey I know, but it's true.

 

Thirdly, drink lots of water, not over 8 - 8 oz glasses a day, but make water your #1 drink.

 

Look into a mirror and meet yourself, tell yourself you've made some mistakes, but from everything we learn, and everything teaches. Start gently, forgive yourself for all that you have done. Tell yourself you have nice hair, or nice ears or a nice smile. FIND SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF because it IS there. Do your mirror every time you look in it. Do it everyday, by the 21st day you will say to yourself in the mirror, 'I am a fine person, I have a right to be on this planet, and I will do for this planet and it's people everything good I possibly can. You will realize that it's true and you mean it.

 

I call this planting seeds of future hope. You will eventually become contagious, and every person who touches your life and everyone you touch will fill lifted, spirit wise, emotionally, and health wise.

 

Every state that I'm aware of has MHMR, it stands for Mental Health and Mental Retardation. The two are exclusive so don't panic. The service is from sliding scale, (what you can afford) to free, if you have no money.

GO! Volunteer your services whatever you can do to compensate for your treatment. It's worth a try!!

 

Make today the first day of the rest of your life.

 

Oh yes, about your Mother, I'm sorry her passing has effected you so emotionally, I'm sure she would not have wanted that. Consider your Mother on the greatest adventure living has to offer. The payment for life is to die, we know not when, we know not how. No one knows what is beyond, and those that say they do are liars. Why not decide to believe it a grand adventure that those who have worked hard on this earth, for this earth and its people get to enjoy, because they contributed to life. No, this grand adventure is not for suicides, murders, etc.. Anyone that has sucked the life out of this planet and its people are not going on the grand adventure.

 

You have years of life ahead of you, you can be part of the grand design that makes negative turn to positive.

 

Good Luck, and Blessed Be.

 

Madame Fox

[r3drobin]

wow your words remind me of a wise strong woman i talk to on occasion, since she is the mother of my ex its a lil odd and i tend to cry over him and i dont like doing that. anyway she is excellent at keeping her responses to how i can be more positive for me...and its all about me.

 

anyway, i thank you for the kind response... i know what needs to be done its just so hard to make those first steps. i only drink water, tons of it...and i make it to the gym 5 days a week so i'm not slowing down horribly... but then days like this when i come home and eat everything in site...well i didnt take that into account at the gym this morning thats for sure!! and i dont usually do anything to make up for it the next day either. in fact ive been a lil bummed that my weight loss has slowed down...but i know its because i'm having more an more of these days... the empty pit days...i just cant fill myself up. not with food.

 

i guess its obvious i'm trying to fill myself w/the wrong things. although i am trying desperately to find a job! i know that will be a MONUMENTAL step... i just cant find that step...i see steps, i put my foot on em, and then they disappear right out from under me.

 

so now i find my days filled with just sheer panic of what happens when i truly cannot pay my rent, or my car... those days are coming. that is a real hard thing to deal with!! not only is it loosing my apartment and my car.. its having those things put on my credit and having to dig out of that hole eventually as well. and the only place i'd have to go... my mothers house. (which is in a very bad part of town to begin with) where my lil brother lives w/his wife...her 2 kids and their soon to be born baby in Oct. i'd have to sleep in my mom's room. omg, how on earth could i do that. ive only been in that house a handful of times since she died... she died there in her bed, in her bedroom.

 

this cannot happen.

 

you might say get any job right now...yes, i could get a waitressing job somewhere... but i will still loose my apartment and my car... i will not be able to pay all my bills with a waitress job... unless its in a topless bar and i'm not doing that!

 

i would certainly kill for a cake right now. im not joking.

[Madame Fox]

Robin,

 

Only you can deside what to do with your life and which way you want to go with it. Get out the phone book, start calling for help! It is out there! There are Government and State agencies that help people in times of trouble. Go to your church ask for help isn't that what there biggest obligation is to.....their flock?

 

This is your time, your life, and you can change it with that one step and a little mind set change.

 

Good Luck, and Blessed Be.