Opinions about polyamory/poylandry -long post

[11flower]

Hi,

 

This may sound very strange to some people. But whether you believe it or not, there are many people who choose this lifestyle and consider themselves polyamourous,polygynous, polyandrous. BTW, not to sound harsh myself, but please note this:

 

I don't need any blasting from any of you at all. Go somewhere else and do that, okay?!! So anyone who is harsh or judgemental, just know ahead of time you will not get any response from me. I'm not asking that you agree, but keep harsh condemnation OUT, and answer as clearly as possible what you think of this topic.

 

While I've wondered what this may not be impossible within myself, I have decided it is not for me.

 

I just recently saw the lyrics by the singer David Crosby in his composition, "Triad", in which a poly situation is addressed.

 

I chatted briefly with a find person on this list who also believes that it's possible to be truly and deeply in love with more than just one person at a time.

 

I vented on another forum when I first joined about what I thought had happened to me in this regard, very shockingly (against my moral code of ethics), suprisingly (how could I? What am I doing? Help!), and finally in a quandry (I can't control the way I feel!) about having had "feelings" for someone other than the man I love, my husband. I've also posted that my husband and I had marital struggles, which I think could be the reason I even found myself having to hash through such a position overall.

 

Many people may react to this subject. I've processed all of the above myself, husband knows all my struggles (I did not have sex with another man), and have been trying to understand what was going on inside my heart and head and the whys of it all. To this day, I am not in love, but still feel feelings of a friendship type love for someone (who in my opinion doesn't deserve it, yet I still care) I ended up caring about, yet not ever having an actual relationship or affair with.

 

My husband and I are doing better than before and do talk about anything and everything we can in honesty and openness. But neither of us can fathom being in any 3-some relationship..ever. I don't think this is for me.

 

I would just like to know what you think of people who choose this lifestyle. Do you know anyone like that? Do you think it's possible to truly be in love and commit to more than one spouse? Do you know that there are people doing this every day and it is working for them in many ways?

 

??

 

Thanks,

11Flower

[GettingOverIt]

11flower,

I found myself in the situation where I was deeply in love with two women at the same time. I had never dreamed it would be possible to feel that way, and yet there it was... I have to say that I would love to hear from people who can make that work. For me, it made me quite literally insane... My heart was divided, my mind was divided.... Like you, I cannot say that lifestyle would not be impossible, but for me, I could not keep living that way... (Neither of the women were poly)

[11flower]

And Gettingoverit, Sir,

 

You are the fine person I was referring to who understands this dilemma. It's quite a different situation when it is something you did not plan for, something you weren't looking for, and something that happened that you wouldn't have initiated, but it just did.

 

We should never judge one another in these things. I am still trying to figure it out. My feelings surface from time to time (warm feelings). But I still think it just turns out it was destiny and I'm supposed to pray for and care about this individual whom I've never actually met in person.

 

(Of course, I'm the one who needs the prayer;-) ) Sure, pray for me. Go for it!

 

Anyway, G.O.I. I can totally sympathize, maybe empathize.

 

We'll figure all this out somehow for each the individual situations.

 

Thanks so much.

 

11Flower

[drahcir]

I could NEVER share my love with more than one girl.....

[11flower]

Trust me, Drachir,

 

I'm now 48 yrs old (going on 34 ;-) ). I said this too until I'd been married 18 yrs and ended up struggling in my marriage and felt isolated and needs unmet socially, etc. I am not saying that you will ever change your mind. The mere idea of such situations and relationships are somewhat just...alien and not written as kosher according to the Bible and many people groups. Well, the reality is that there is such a people group.

 

Unfortunately, when I was struggling and met someone who I felt very strong feelings for, I stumbled, struggled, was tempted, cried, agonied, etc., etc., and I NEVER thought this would happen. But I am human, and I became weak. To the polyamorists, I would be considered "join the club; you're normal". Do you get the point?

 

Try telling this group of people they're out there (I think they are). But when you have something happen that you never thought it would; you are immediately humbled and realise you might be able to feel things you never thought you could.

 

The important point is that we all have a choice. And, your choice seems strong and healthy, IMHO.

 

11Flower

[GettingOverIt]

11Flower is 100% correct (and I am both surprised and very, very humbled by you referring to me as the person of whom you were speaking)...

 

I never, never thought it could happen to me... I have been a one-woman guy my whole life (now 36), and BAM! there it was.... Like 11flower, I am very interested in what those who fully believe in this way of life and love feel about it... I honestly lost my mind over the whole thing... I never saw it coming and I sure never expected it to happen. I am not saying anything against those who practice it - like 11flower said, if I were to bring this up on a site where people experienced this all the time, I'd be told, "Welcome to the club!"

 

Well, personally, I couldn't take it.... I couldn't rationalize my feelings to anyone, especially myself... It made no sense to me, and I lost it - lost a lot more than that as well... For me, it was not fun, not exciting. It was pure hell....

[11flower]

Gettingoverit,

 

I don't mean to have embarrased or humbled you or anything like that. You're a fine person who is trying to put his marriage back together in an honest way. This is cool. I was just glad that someone else knows what it's like.

 

I think that situations such as your and mine might happen or be a temptation to more people after a certain stage in their lives than we think. It's a known fact that our spouses just cannot meet all of our needs, so we do need other people and friendships and such, healthy ones that is, who also meet social needs.

 

But it's just so weird to even think that people can remotely feel strongly toward another person. To me, I thought it was downright wrong, insane, just no way, etc. I mean, every thought about it being "wrong" went through my mind. Fortunately, I didn't end up with this man, as he actually is what another poster on another forum said about him. He's a "player and a jerk". No truer words, unfortunately and overall.

 

Then there are many people who just go for the strange and decide against all convention, so go out and "be different" or some elite group where they might be important...you know? And polyamory sets them apart as important. They even have an infrastructure of sorts, a ranking, I think. Newbies to veterans. Strange? Does this make sense?

 

Then, people like you, and me, who find someone they truly have (had) feelings for, unexpectedly, not sought for, but it just happens, end up confused and in quandries.

 

The poly people I have chatted with sound as if they don't have the boundaries socially that most people grow up with. The man for whom I still have some small romantic feelings for (..for some reason) has very few social boundaries and understanding of general boundaries overall.

He actually said once that he considers himself non-polyamorous, yet sometimes is polyamourous. I don't think he knows what he is or isn't, other than a persuasive sweet-talker who's desperate in life. How did I fall for him?

 

It seems alien, that way of life. Very far out there and even a bit of darkness in it, if this makes sense, IMHO. Yet, feelings on the other hand...what do you do with them when you don't want to live any other way?

 

Still, it's not for me or my husband. I'm sure of this.

 

11Flower