after almost 6 years she stopped wanting to be with me

[car1]

fgasdf

[auburnslp]

oh gosh...listen my friend....I know how you feel...you are at the worst point...and we here are there for you...I am.

 

Most of us on here have been or are right now where you are...we know that pain...can still taste it in our mouths and hearts. It's ok brother...and I am here to tell you, without dropping the flimsy "it will get better, just give it time" crap on you.

 

OK, here's my take. Since June, you have been a mess. Ironically, June was when I received my shock. My girl of 3 1/2 years suddenly dropped the bomb on me, that she wanted to get right with God and reconcile with her ex husband. I loved this girl. I had asked her to marry me...that is how I felt about her. Now, like you, initially I was a wreck. Didn't want to live. Was a zombie, stumbling through each day at work...crying, a total mess. No one could understand. I had no help. Felt completely alone and hopeless. I took the same route you did. Went over there...cried to her...hugged her, pleaded, etc. To no avail. She was gone. But, here's what happened. I slowly started to heal...stopped all that junk. And we started coming back together first as friends, and then a little more...which scared her, and she left me again, and it hurt again, because my hopes had been raised. But that was one month ago. Absolutely no contact at all. And I am myself again. Against all hope and belief, I am back. And you will be too...and here's how...

 

First of all...allow yourself to hurt, cry, all of it. But not to her, not anymore. She doesn't deserve this part of you now. This is yours, and eventually, that heart will be for another. She doesn't deserve another shred of it. As for your friend? Who is seeing her now? Distance yourself from him. Try not to be too harsh in doing so, but stay away...did he stab you in the back? Well, a matter of perspective here...in a way he did, in another way he didn't. It has been several months since you and she split. Yes he knew you were not over it and still trying. What I think about this is that he made a mistake...he should have come to you first with this. Tried to discuss it, man to man. I believe that this is where his fault lies, and it also ends there. Can you two ever be friends again because of this? Impossible to say, but time and healing and perspective will answer that question sure enough. But for now...stay away.

 

Lord this is so difficult, and there is so much more.

 

Did you push her away with desperation? Maybe. Would it have made any difference had you taken it all in stride instead? Who knows. That's all irrelevant now. Don't blame yourself for how you have dealt with it all up to now. Don't blame yourself for a second. what matters now, is how you handle yourself from this point on.

 

Listen...right now life seems hopeless...every day is a chore...you cry and miss her so bad it is killing you. You wake after a fitful night of dreams and little sleep to a crushing feeling in your chest, and an almost inability and certainly a lack of desire to face the day. You spend your time wondering what she is doing, you go to your knees in despair at the thought of her with another. I know these things because in the last 4 months, I have lived them exactly. But I am going to tell you with absolute truth and honesty...God almighty strike me down if I am lying...things will get better my friend...and here are some strategies...

 

You may have heard them all before, but I will repeat them, and tell you what worked for me. Get out, even when you really don't want to. Get out with friends, plaster a smile on your face...and go home later and cry then. Get out and run. Rollerblade. Bike. Whatever. Release the pain and anger in a productive way. Read. And when those thoughts come creeping in and you put that book down by your side...force yourself to force those thoughts aside and bring that book back up to your eyes. Damnit, I know it is hard to do. But you must do these things. If you are religious, go to church. Read the Bible...here's a scripture passage for you...Lamentations 3:55-58. Helped me a ton.

 

Now, let me tell you what didn't help...what hurt. The mistakes I made...

 

I did all those above things...but in my time alone, I also attempted to numb my pain with alcohol. Drank heavy for almost 3 months. Not a single positive thing occurred from that. Would feel better at first..."the hell with her" kind of feelings, and then later, eventually bowing to the true weakness inherent, would listen to songs that reminded me of her, watched movies that we had seen together, thought about her, read old saved loving emails she had sent me and I her, and would inevitably break down into an emotional mess. Slowed my healing process dramatically. There is truly no way to numb this kind of pain...and then I would wake up feeling like crap...still emotional, and try to face the day...my whole life suffered from it...work, family, friends...it was awful. And it was a cycle, like the old Catch-22...felt like crap because I was doing nothing to heal, and because I felt like crap, would focus on the pain, and on and on...it was a downward spiral...and it is just lucky that I made it out unscathed...

 

Take my advice here my friend...there is only one way out...and through my mistakes and succeses I have learned this much...everything you do right now has to be of a productive sort. Every single thing you do right now has to be for your benefit. Even though it is so hard, even though right now you don't want to do anything...you just have to. Wallowing in the grief and despair, as I did, will never bring you home. Don't get me wrong...do not bury the hurt, the pain, or feelings. Just let them out in productive ways.

 

And know this once again my friend...everything will be ok. I swear, and promise this to you.

 

For now? Let her go, completely. Do not call, show up, email, send letters, nothing. Disappear. You owe this to yourself...to you and you only. As for your friend? Let him go completely. Right now they should not exist in your mind...you need to establish a mind-set that involves only you...for a time at least...and focus on doing the things it will take to get yourself back. Because I don't have to tell you this...but you are a strong man...you are able to roll with the punches, able to withstand whatever life throws at you. But until you can separate yourself from what is going on, you will be brought to your knees instead...and that is not you.

 

I guess that's it. But I will end with a grain of hope for you brother. Remember, I was exactly where you are now a couple months ago. My mother was worried about me. And I am very personal, reluctant to let anyone in when hurting, don't desire to unload my problems or pain on anyone. But here's the thing...A month ago now, after she left for the second time, I emailed her one last time, asking her to never call or write me again. I have done the same. The only news has been second hand, through mutual friends who inadvetantly let slip that she and her ex husband are truly back together. One month. And that news even did not bring me to my knees. Not at all...I am happy for them. And now, I have met this girl who beats that ex in every single way, because I allowed myself to truly let go and heal. And had I not done that, I would not have this wonderful opportunity. Life does go on my friend, no matter how hopeless it seems at the moment.

 

Hope and joy will return...a willingness and thrill to see what the next day will bring, it will return. I swear it.

 

Be strong as you can be now my friend. Make some choices, and while doing so, allow your mind to speak over your broken heart.

 

And know this...you have my thoughts, hopes, and prayers...

 

PM me anytime if you think I can help at all...be well, and take care of yourself...Michael

[car1]

i think you're right, i'm going to do what i should have done months ago and just cut her off completely. thanks for the kind words and support, it's very appreciated.

[Hopingpraying]

I just wanted to let you know Car that I agree with Auburnslp. He gives some good advice there and you would be well advise to go along with it. You are at the worst part, and while this does nothing for you now, you will get through it. Each day will be a struggle, some better than others, but you will get through it.

 

I have about the same timeline as you do in regards to my wife and I seperating. I still think about her daily, but not in the same way I used too. I now alternate from wanting to be with her, to being better off without her.

 

Vent as often as you need to, we are here for you.

[CC]

i totally understand you. when i was told "i don't love you anymore" i became a wreck! i lost 10 kgs in one week, fainted every other day, big bags on my eyes from lack of sleep and crying and my scalp was flaking from stress! i had to quit work and go overseas to cry on mum and dad's lap!

 

its been 7 months now and i have improved a lot. sometimes you just dont see yourself improving but when you look back, you will see how much better you are now.

 

its so hard to deal with all this but you have to remember, its all about you now. you have been longer with yourself that anyone else so make sure you take care of yourself.

[Blah]

I am at about the same spot as you well.....with high school girl for 5.5 years, broke up in March...I had been in denial about the whole thing being over till about 4 days ago when I found out she was moving about 2000 miles away to be with family ...I hadn't talked to her for about 2 months and it feels like this set me back right to when she said she didn't think she was in love with me.....I poured my heart out for about the 5th time since March.

 

The only advice I can give is to just cut all involvement off completely...that was what helped me the most....but everytime I talked to her it felt like all progress had been lost.

 

And just listen to what these guys are saying as well.