I dont know what to say

[scared0321]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years now and I have driven our marriage to the point of possible breakup. I have lied too many times to him and he doesnt trust me anymore. I know I have problems and are willing to finally get help about them. He keeps asking me why do I want to work it out if I know its not working. It may not be working right now but I want it to work out and know I can change but he doesnt know if I can get over what I have done over the past 9 years we have known each other. How do I answer his question of why I want to stay and work it out? Can someone please help me?

[paul475]

What's most frightening about any relationship is that EITHER party can decide when it's over. Further, they don't need to have a reason. They have a basic human right to do with their body and their time what they will. And they can decide at ANY time to leave. It is love to allow them to go as freely as they came. Anything less is not loving.

 

If you can not cope with this reality, or if you find that you are unable to cope with it, then you are not ready to have an adult relationship.

 

Okay, okay. Let me explain a little further and maybe I can take some of the sting out of the truth of the matter.

 

I need (not simply want) to have enough self esteem to examine, discern and decide if the person I am contemplating partnering with is a person of good and reliable character. If I am unable to do even this little bit of exploration without any relationship strings, then I am relegated to the consequences of trusting random chance.

 

Secondly, I need to develop my skills in this regard so that with each date, or relationship experience, I become a better and wiser interviewer of my potential relationship partners.

 

Finally, don't beat yourself up for "chasing away" your partner. That's bullshit that people tell us to put the focus on us and our choices. The end is good enough, but the means of causing you greater and greater levels of guilt is horribly untrue and unfair.

 

The way relationships work is we choose each other. I know folks want to believe that it is possible to be victimized by perpetrators time and time again, but my experience in dealing with others -- and my own personal experience, as an afficiando of many species of "crow" -- is that there is no accident who meets and who couples.

 

What I'm saying is that your husband chose you as much as you chose him. That he is unwilling and/or unable to commit to himself, and to your relationship, is a sign of very poor character. It is abandonment and betrayal. It is emotional rape. It is an action that speaks louder than anything he could ever say in any therapy session. And you should listen very, very carefully, because your happiness and your self worth are at stake here.

 

I wish you peace, strength and growing self esteem as you come to your own conclusions about you, your spouse and your current relationship. Believe me, you have no power to control how you interact with each other and you have no power to control what he is willing to contribute to the relationship. But you do have, for the most part, some power to control your contributions to your relationship with your spouse. And that is ALL you can do.

 

Thinking otherwise will only produce countless sleepless nights and awful spells of anxiety. It is wiser, healthier and happier to surrender to the truth of the matter and take the next indicated action.

 

For me, if a partner demands to be cut loose, I let them leave. I do make certain that they know the consequences of their actions, but I do not delude myself into thinking that I can change their mind or make them love me anew. Been there, done that, doesn't work.

 

In fact, if a partner even gets close to blurting, out loud -- angry or otherwise -- that they want to leave/abandon/betray me, I have learned to shut down my feelings and expectations for the relationship. I don't like emotional blackmail and I won't play that game. If that becomes the topic du jour, I may tell them I'm leaving and I may not. But the relationship and its structure are on borrowed time from that instant, forward.

 

Hope this helps...