rjoe Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 Dawn. I sit by my open window. Aloft a tree, birds singing. Undisturbed, You enter my mind. I rise, blissfully greeting the new day. Anxiously waiting to see you again. Day. Slowly creeps along. Class no longer keeps my attention. Memory, revives images of you. Now waiting for day to end, Thoughts of you, come again. Dusk. My Thoughts must not again wonder. My phone rings, it is you. Time passes all to fast. Your sweet voice, your words pauses my heart. Words cannot articulate, what I intend. Torment, for I cannot speak. Night. My thoughts move back to you. Your perfect shape fills my mind. Unsettled, I attempt to close my mind. Dreams, can give me no peace. I close my eyes its you I see. I can no longer lie. It's much more than my eye caught by you. Consequences are unknown. So what do you think Link to comment
Free Lancer Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 That was amazing I love it... Do you mind if I print it off and put it up in my room... I feel exactly that way about someone at the moment I LOVE IT Link to comment
rjoe Posted August 15, 2004 Author Share Posted August 15, 2004 sure, I think there is a problem with it still, doesn't flow quite right. Your from Victoria, I didn't know that Australians let alone Victorians come here. I'm from Vic to. Link to comment
ComputerGuy Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 I liked the poem, it was real good. Also I'm from Aus as well, I live in Perth Link to comment
kitsy9 Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 hey, im not from australia but i still think ur poem was great! and i think it flowed just fine! Link to comment
rjoe Posted August 16, 2004 Author Share Posted August 16, 2004 DAY BY DAY Dawn. I sit by my open window. Aloft a tree, birds start singing. Undisturbed, You enter my mind. I rise, blissfully greeting the new day. Anxiously waiting to see you again. Day. Slowly creeps along. Class no longer keeps my attention. Memory, revives images of you. Now waiting for day to end, Thoughts of you, come again. Dusk. My Thoughts must not again wonder. My phone rings, it is you. Time passes all to fast. Your sweet voice, your words pauses my heart. Words cannot articulate, what I intend. Torment, for I cannot speak. Night. My thoughts move back to you. Your perfect shape fills my mind. Unsettled, I attempt to close my mind. Dreams, can give me no peace. I close my eyes, its you I see. I can no longer lie. Now it's much more than my eye that is caught by you. My mind, my heart, my soul. Consequences unknown. I made a few changes, as you may see, only small but I like the flow better Link to comment
theghost Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 I found a couple grammer mistakes, but it flows in its own way....It doesn't rhyme, but you do it in order, from morning till night, which makes good. I give it a 8/10 and I'm a hard grader/ Link to comment
rjoe Posted August 16, 2004 Author Share Posted August 16, 2004 Would you mind telling me the grammer mistakes, i would love to fix them up. Link to comment
theghost Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Time passes all to fast. Time passes all too fast. Since you asked....Sorry for beign picky Link to comment
rjoe Posted August 16, 2004 Author Share Posted August 16, 2004 pickys good, what better way to learn than people telling you, Link to comment
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