Dumpee's remorse...

[X-452]

Yes I said that right, I am the dumpee not the dumper and I feel incredible remorse.

 

When my ex broke up with me she said that I had made been making her miserable, and she has had enough. She is one of those people who keeps things bottled up and won't say what's on her mind and I didn't even truly know she was that miserable

 

When we were together I could tell sometimes she wasn't always that happy, but she would bottle things up and not always tell me what was wrong. So I would ask what is the matter, but she would say she was fine.

 

After she broke up with me, she started to tell me about the things that I did to make her feel miserable. I now feel really remorseful, guilty and selfish.

 

She said things she would have talked to me about things that I were doing which were upsetting her, but she felt like I wouldn't have listened or made any effort to make her feel better. This really hurts as I would have done my best! All I wanted was for her to be happy, and I would have done a lot for her.

 

I tried to tell her that she should of told me what was wrong. She then said if I was more considerate I would have known what was wrong ](*,)

 

I used to think of myself as a good person, but now I am questioning that. I mean if I was such a good person then how could I make someone feel so miserable and not even be fully aware of it

 

If anyone has felt similar or has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.

[celestial262]

Same here. My ex once said 'this is the worst relationship' he ever had. It made me sick in the stomach to know that I've made my ex so miserable. His internal organs were shutting down resulting many physical pain. I didn't know it was caused by me or our relationship. Only knew that after we broke up.

[dandan78]

Listen to what she said but don't take it all to heart. You both played your part in the break up and it is not for you to take all the blame.

Right now, while the break up is still fresh, she has to justify what she has done and this is her justification. It'll be all she focusses on for a while. You'll probably get to hear more and more reasons and things you did wrong as she processes it. This seems to be the mindset of dumpers in a one sided break up.

Eventually, though who knows when, she'll get to the part she played in the break up. This could take weeks, months, even years.

 

All you can do is take on board what she has told you and if it is something you feel you need to change for you and future relationships then set about it. Dwelling on what you did wrong is a long and slippery slope.

 

I've been on both sides of the fence but it is only now I am learning the lessons.

[Lastchallenge]

^^^ I agree good advice I think she wants an excuse to validate her choice

[X-452]

Thanks for the advice dandan78, it's appreciated.

 

It's like you say dwelling on things is not going to help. I need to realise that and get on with my life! I need to get it into my head that she played a part in the break up as well, and it's not all my fault.

 

There are changes I need to make which I didn't even really think about. At least I can think of this as an learning experience and make sure this doesn't happen again!

 

I am glad I posted on here, it does help to talk about things.

[Brigadoon]

I agree, dumpers are often just as full of hurt and grief as dumpees but with the added burden of knowing they are the ones that had to call time on the relationship.

They tend to come up with the wildest justifications while their heads are still spinning and even manage to convince themselves that you really are this truly despicable person.

 

My ex did this to me after we broke up and when we met up about 5/6 months later to "clear the air" for the sake of family and friends he sat in my car literally staring at me as if he was relearning who I was.

 

I am convinced that his way of dealing with our split was to paint me as this evil harpy and put all his energy into his rebound.

 

Since then he has been incredibly warm and friendly towards me and has made contact a couple of times.

 

I know that if we had not met up and if I had not made a real effort to just be my normal self towards him he'd still be trying to hurt me and rubbing it in my friends faces how much better the rebound girl is.

 

Just give her space and treat her with respect and at some point her head will clear, just like my exes did.

[minou]

It's not your fault she didn't communicate with you along the way. This is what she did wrong. Couples take time to callibrate to each other. They are two different people and the only way you can know how to please each other at times is to let each other know. How could you know it was bothering her if she didn't let you know? Sounds like she lost the opportunity to have a great guy who would have done anything he could for her. Maybe she's just not very good at being in a relationship. Good luck! Who knows, perhaps she'll get a taste of what's out there and realize what she lost. If she doesn't, she didn't love you the way you deserve. Good luck.

[Tanzi]

I agree with dandan. No dumper dumps without reason so don't take it too much to heart. When feelings change and the relationship is nearing its end the dumper will start looking for reasons and for justification to end it and I'm sure in that respect dumpers can over-analyse situations in the same respect that dumpees do post break-up. Maybe you were indifferent to her feelings on occassions but she isn't without blame ... if things were so bad she should have and could have said something sooner.

[Scott chye]

Glad to come accross this post, exactly what i had just been through in my 10yrs of relationship. im all willing to give what i had and planned for marriage. But similarly she bottled everything until the last day and call for a breakup after she found a replacement. i really didnt even realise i was being emotionally abusive i thought it was fine just kidding around and all. Now i have learnt no to repeat similar mistakes. But i have truly lost an ideal type of woman i would want to spend my life with. Sucks to learn lessons this way.