figmentations

Day 30

One month! I feel pretty good. I thought about her, obviously, and cried a tiny little bit and felt sad but was mostly happy over news regarding my job and was kept busy doing other things. I feel I'm moving on, though I love her and sometimes fantasize about being together and that we still have a chance but I need to take my own advice and stop waiting around for her to break NC. Something better could be around the corner and I don't want to live with my head buried in the sand.

Hey M,

I hope life is treating you well. I'm starting a job tomorrow. I wish I could share these news with you, I know you'd be happy but mostly I'd like to tell you to return that slap in the face you gave me over not having a job. I got it. My life is changing, I am beautiful, I have other people after me telling me I kiss very well and ask me how crazy you had to be to let me go. Your loss. I know I am beautiful and a wonderful person and don't need you.

Day 29

Wow. Almost a month. Not a single peep from her despite I emailed and left a voice message weeks ago. I miss her but focusing my attention somewhere else has been helping. I also slept with another person and while I felt crappy when I woke up, I feel ok now. I've accepted she's not coming back.

I got a job. I hope you're doing well.

@marshmallito

You're very early into NC. I was only able to do it this week, almost reaching a month of NC. Don't pressure yourself into anything and best of luck!

It is still too soon. My emotions are too raw to appreciate the benefits to moving on from his negatives. I will try again though.

I was feeling surges of anger prior to writing out my list of negatives. I was sad and very broken up before the anger set in and I took advantage. You need to do it when the time is right, in other words, when you start feeling some anger and then just unleash it on paper.

Day 27

Alright, almost a month! I've gotten better at planning my weekends so I don't fall into depression. Going to hang out with friends and later going clubbing. I don't feel bad today which is surprising since it's Friday and Fridays have been the worst day for me since BU (she broke up with me on a Friday so yeah). Today I'm gonna go chill at a friends. Discovering the true importance of friends and that I need to dedicate time to them as well.

That's it! I am going to do this right now. Maybe this will organise my thoughts so I don't keep searching for distraction.

I found it very helpful and good to let that suppressed anger come out. I've felt better since I wrote it though, had a few downs but nothing major.

Day 25

Almost a month...getting there. Feel I've gotten better in some aspects of getting myself to a better point but I still miss you. Although writing out a list of why you suck is pretty liberating.

M, I wish you all the best. I feel foolish for still loving you after the way you treated me during our BU. I realize my desire for you to reach out to me may never come true and it's ok.

Day 11 (formerly 23 days had I not broken NC)

Went out clubbing with friends, ended up making out with some girl who wanted to meet me. It was ok but before she kissed me, I began to feel that agony of missing my ex and still being in love with her. I've realized now that I am not over her at all, only feeling better because of NC but I just wish more than ever that she'd talk to me again and be together but it's all just stupid wishful thinking that's not gonna happen. The temptation to break NC is low at the moment and I hope I can stick to it. Nothing good will come out of talking to someone who is ignoring me completely.

Day 9 (formerly 21 days had I not broken NC)

21 days, wow. Tomorrow it would have been 11 months together. I cried today when I went over to a friend's house. Fridays always get me down since it was the day BU happened so it's already 3 weeks. I feel better, my low points aren't as low or as sad but they do come sporadically now and then. Mostly edging toward the end of the week and the weekend. Still no contact from the ex, hoping she never talks to me again at this point but I find myself wishing the opposite many times.

Day 8 (formerly 20 days had I not broken NC)

Feel pretty good. I find myself thinking on the positive things we had together but it's honestly painful to think of what I've lost so I distract myself with other thoughts. I'm going out with friends, meeting people, moving on. I no longer feel like a shut-in at social events. I'm also learning to accept that time will help me heal and only time will tell what happens next. I've even stopped going to the "Talk to your Ex" thread. I have nothing to say internally anymore.

Day 6 (formerly 18 days had I not broken NC)

I feel so much better. NC has been a life-saver for me. It's been difficult to maintain but it's given me back parts of my self-respect, dignity and time for myself. I've deleted my ex from everywhere and while I still desire a second chance, I have been analyzing our relationship and seeing things I chose to ignore.

I hope you're thinking about me and that it makes you uncomfortable every time you see something that reminds you of me. Alternatively, just talk to me.

Day 5 (formerly 17 days had I not broken NC)

Feeling much better after talking to eNAers and thinking about doing Enhanced NC, and will look at the flaws of my ex and the positives I have myself as a lover and friend and person. I'm dedicated to making myself feel better. I will no longer obsess whether ex contacts me or not, although reconciliation is something I still desire. I will have hope for the best instead.

do you even care about me at this point? was everything you said a lie? i'm suffering so much, i just want it to stop. i love you dearly still and i'd stupidly take you back if you wanted. i'm dealing with my mental health issues already, this is just too much and you're just absent. but i can't expect otherwise, we are no longer together.

Two weeks since we haven't spoken at all. Considering not a day went by that we didn't speak. I miss you, but not as much. I'm still waiting for you to talk to me but I feel it's hopeless and all I'm doing is just hurting myself

Day 3

Finally eliminated her from my cell contact list and from WhatsApp. Too much anxiety and temptation to break NC. I can't do that.

I think the hardest part for me is that I WANT to be with you. I wish I could summon feelings of not desiring this but while I feel better, every day passes by with the hope that you'll call, you'll text or email me. Why are you so silent? I don't deserve this. You didn't even break up with me face to face, you never have any decent explanations for your decision. I'm just so angry at you sometimes.

Did you even love me? What happened to us?

Tried to call you today, put myself back in day 1 of NC. I just love you tons and can't yet let go you'll see your errors and come back. But I have to be realistic. I need to let time pass and you need your space and time and boundaries respected. I tried more than once to trespass them but I will try my best not to. And from now on, I'm writing whatever I need to tell you on paper or on the computer.

Back to day 1 of NC. I kept it up until 13 days though. We didn't talk or anything, I just called at her house and her grandmother answered so I just hung up.

I get it finally. You're at totally at peace with the decision you made. You're not gonna talk to me neither is the idea of getting back together even a tiny seed in your head. That's ok. I needed this final push to continue moving on. I love you dearly and I miss you but I can't change what you are, who you are and what you've chosen for yourself.

Day 12

Today I'm angry at her. Mostly because I feel she was a coward in not facing me face-to-face when BU happened. And things about me being stuck in life...did she think that all along and just waited to tell me because we were breaking up? Ugh.