GetMeBack

thanks,

 

been here for a while on the third go around for the nc challenge. Had a 20 year marriage split up cause the sun came up one day. You know from your avatar pic, I was certain you lived just down the street. Maya Angelou is from Winston Salem, North Carolina and spends a lot of time here now. I have started the healing process, however, like a lot of friends here, We all seem to reflect and self assault a lot.

 

Dave

Hi ya, no im definitely not maya, ill put a picture up of me later. hehe xx

went out, it was okay, everything i went to, she loved or i knew she would have liked it

 

went to go hookah, i feel sick and want to call her badly, but i want

 

she wants her time and i will give it to her

 

i need to puke!

 

gah.

Stick with it IKON.XX

Thank you for your kind and comforting words.

 

Today was fun. I went to Bournemouth with my family for the day. The weather was great and I wanted to treat myself as I was down there so I bought myself a crap load of cosmetic stuff. I've never really been into cosmetics/beauty products so I thought this would make a nice change aswell as boost my self-esteem - what I really need right now!

 

However tonight my ex sent me a message saying "be my friend again please". He has NEVER begged or asked for me back (seeing as I did it all in the past). I just find it funny that he was saying he didn't care and all this crap and is now asking me back after only 3 days!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

Dont reply xROH, he just wants to be your friend so he can alleviate his guilt and ween himself off you gradually...

STICK TO NC.

GetMeBack

Hi Newdilemma,

Quite a story...I dont understand the game your ex is playing at the moment.

Does he fully know that you and his friend was just an innocent thing? You also mentioned that his friend backed you up on that, so I dont understand his problem..

Looking for excuse maybe? Commitment phobe maybe?

I say to quite a few people on this site, if someone is prepared to risk losing you, do not let them live rent free in your heart..

You say he wants more time, how much more? Dont let the "sweet nothings" or " i love you's " fool you. I had all of that, and he still didnt want me back. If he truly loved you, he wouldnt need one minute to decide whether he wants you back or not...

Dont make him turn this round onto you feeling guilty about how he feels about this apparent innocent situation. The start of the problem was him not wanting to progess to the next level. i.e moving in..i.e more commitment from him..

Dont lose sight of that and dont lose yourself in manipulative mind games. This could be a ploy to see just how much you really want him....even if you choose to participate in this dangerous game it will backfire on him in the long run..resentment is the quickest way to kill any relationship.

GetMeBack

So he had an alcoholic problem cali...?

How long were you together if you dont mind me asking and what was his reasons for the break up?

GetMeBack

x

WELL DONE ON DAY 32 STILLSMILING

I DONT KNOW YOUR FULL STORY BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR COMING ON HEAPS AND BOUNDS WITH YOUR HEALING...

I AGREE WITH YOU COMPLETELY ON THE ONLINE DATING FRONT...

IN THE PAST IT HAS definitely INCREASED SELF ESTEEM BUT IT HAS ALSO DECREASED IT TOO...

GetMeBack

Hi Ccali

You sure as hell will find someone that will want to date you..

I would take your time though, your a very preety lady and men will be beating down your door if you put an ad up on a dating site, with that picture attached..

If your feeling vulnerable right now, I would leave it a little while as it can be soul destroying going on date after date and not getting call backs, or you finding that your not compatible e.t.c. Or even worse attracting men that prey on women who are vulnerable. Sometimes all of that can just make you miss the ex even more; idealising what you had when really its just not the right time for you to start dating..

Its better to be in a stronger mental place before you have to deal with all that. Believe me, I made the mistake of dating too soon, and it affected me a lot.

Its awful your ex was still seeing you while dating someone else, but what goes round DOES come round.

It was very selfish of him, and when you come out of this you will realise this and see how much of a better person you are then he was..

When you start feeling better about yourself, you will realise that he is her problem now, thank the lord!!

GetMebACK

I will be back later guys!!!

GetMeBack

We were together for three months. Been apart for two. It's over and I accept that. NC has really helped.

 

The number of women who don't commit has definitely been on the rise the last few years. We're living in a generation where divorce was so common, 50% of all marriages were cut in half (I may add that most of these were marriages to very young people, and those that occur passed the age of 25 tend to last, like only a 33% divorce rate). Even if this percentage is dropping (which it is), the effects don't go away overnight. People grew up watching their parents fight, and cheat and hurt one another, and now we're struggling with the long term effects.

When I said its rare to find women who dont want to commit I dont mean that we are living in an idyllic world where women dont cheat e.t.c

Mainly, as women we want to commit as we put LOVE way up there on our list of things to do. Women love to LOVE, its as simple as that.

However, your relationship only lasted a few months. I dont believe that coming off the pill caused her to not be attracted to you or maybe there is something I am missing there..

I mean, would you say your quite an intense person when you go into a relationship. All guns blazing, and wedding bell talk within a few weeks? Did you feel that after you spent time with her and you enjoyed your time together. She would pull away for a while, and that shocked you? Just a thought, as I did meet a guy once who was so intense it was draining on me. I have a post on here with an email he sent me. I think if you read it you will catch my drift! lol..

Women love men that want to commit to them, and I am trying to put myself in her shoes. If my world was ending today, and I had the biggest load on my shoulders I would not say NO to love unless something was just not right between the two of us..

I may be wrong but thats my two cents..

GetMeBack

I completely agree with you, I hope you didnt mind me asking about that. The reason I did because its very rare to find women who dont commit, its usually the other way round..

How long were you together?

Also, how long was you together?

Hi he2etic,

You say you have been together with a few commitment phobes before, and it made me question a few things. I dont want to get to pychological here, and Im not sure if you believe in psychological theories into why people do the things that they do, but there is much to be said about how our childhood can affect the relationships we have in later life..

Now this might be absolute bull**** in regards to your situation..

But did you have a parent that made it hard for you to get love? Were they inconsistent with affection? Was recieving love as a child a struggle? Now you probably had an idyllic childhood but any psychologist will tell you that your primary attachments as a child sets a baseline for future relationships. i.e sons that get on well with mums make good lovers e.t.c I maybe completely way off..

Something to think about maybe?

I do not want to remove him from my friends list....as we were never really together. I fell in love with him BEFORE we actually made it together. I do want to be friends with him at some point, so I dont want to remove him from my list. I also think it would be giving him the wrong message (giving him too much importance). I have to be strong enough NOT to go look at his page....and if I do, oh well...I will survive nonetheless...

Hi Ixtapa, thats fine whatever you feel comfortable with.

I just feel that things such as status updates e.t.c can be very misleading when your trying to heal and vice versa.

Also, I didnt want my ex seeing what I was getting up to without even talking to me, that was a privilege I believed he didnt deserve..

GetMeBack

Hi David..

Hang in there! Share your story if you like..xx

Day 21.

 

I tried the commitment test on one person who I suspected would not be a commitmentphobic. Worked like a charm on her. No discomfort, no strange looks. Slight increase in heart rate which suggests she was more excited about the daydream then scared of it. Her behavior matches it as well, as she is in a relationship she is trying to make work, but has put deadlines on her actions (and stuck to them) to get out of it and find something else.

 

I think this week off from really working out has helped me too. I kept my diet regular, I haven't regained any real weight, and my BFP remains constant. But, my body has relaxed from running and working out, so when I start doing it again, it will "shock" it into losing weight. Useful.

Hi he2etic,

I havent read your story but if you dont mind, please take the time to tell me yours ...

I take it your ex may have been a commitphobe from this passage?

GetMeBack

GetMeBack, I will take the time to read your story as well.

 

You have good words of wisdom. I hope life is happy for you now.

 

Thank you for sharing ...

Hi stillsmiling, its been a rough 9/10 months but I have met someone else and im engaged which is something I never thought would happen.

I have just realised how really bad for me he was. I am practically kicking myself for putting up with the bulls*** I did and feeling as if I couldnt go on over " him".

I am so glad I can see all this now, and you all will too..

Hi Xtapa,

Whoever invented facebook should get penalised every time some has a break up in my opinion! lol

It does nothing good in a break up at all.

I would say, stay clear.

I will be honest when I did this challenge I deactivated my account for 30 days to help me do it. It was just all too easy to look at his page. Hae you removed him from your friends list?

I was able to click on my exs profile just recently and it let me in. I looked at his pictures and felt nothing. He even uploaded a picture of his new gf, again I felt nothing. Its a weird and wonderful thing when that happens.

I found that looking on the facebook helped every now and again to gage how " much in love " with him I was..

BUT DO THIS AFTER THE 30 DAYS.

If your ex's dont even bother to make contact you/beg you back in 30 DAYS whatever is on their profile can wait.

I would reccomend to trash all pictures of ex, memorabilia, if thats too hard put it in a shoebox and stash away until you think its safe to look at..or you " feel nothing" like I do...

my ex broke up with me in the novermber of last year which seems ages ago. It really isnt and we have made contact since and he was bitter as anything even though he says " he has moved on ". He did dump me?!.

If you read through my threads, please do not make the mistakes I made. He played me like a fool and would not allow me to let go..

I hope this helps a little...

GetMeBack

(NC Challenge Mentor lol- I love my new role )

Day 2.

 

Crap crap crap. That pretty much sums up today. Doing better than yesterday though where all I could do was cry. Haven't cried today (yet). To be honest, I don't think I will ever see him again and that really hits home. Like.. I don't know. It's a very scary thought. After having someone in your life for almost 9 months, seeing eachother almost everyday, to suddenly disappear out of it. How will I get by!? I'm just not used to it.

Hi xroh...so much for posting tomorrow eh! lol..I couldnt help it..

You are going to feel really crap for the first couple of days of cutting complete contact. Its like starving off an addiction, going " cold turkey " so to speak. You will feel a myriad of emotions, which is something that you are going to have to deal with . However, be kind to yourself at this unsteady time. You will get days where your on top of the world and you dont miss him at all and you wonder what you was worried about yesterday In contrast, the next day you will be in absolute despair and you feel as if your sinking into oblivion Awful. no doubt about it. The inconsistencies become further and further apart though.

The thought of not seeing him again is crushing, especially when you would have spent the 9 months of your relationship building dreams, hopes and plans for the future. However, those dreams are still valid, but they wont be with him. I got over my last relationship by facing all my emotions head on. I didnt throw myself into work, I didnt over work out, I didnt drown my sorrows in alcohol. I just felt writing on ENA helped a great deal and crying a lot helped too. Crying is a sign of healing after all.

Dont think about too much for now..just concentrate on existing as awful as that sounds but that is all you can or will feel like doing.

You will soon find your make new plans, new goals, and have new dreams..

and thats when you know your making it...

GetMeBack

I tried this before and failed but I am ready this time. Today is day one of the rest of my life. No more ex I am very excited about this...

Just wanted to say welcome to the challenge ccali and we are all here for you..

Post as much as you like.

GetMeBack

Hi, all

I am going to take the time to read all of your recent posts tomorrow.

Not so long ago, I was where you all was and struggling so bad..If you look through my threads I too did the NC challenge and am a NC graduate..lol.

I posted like a MOFO and it really did help.

Some people reccomend taking time away from ENA but I actually found I missed it..

I also felt that dealing with the hurt head on helped me recover a lot better..

Keep strong everyone and I will post to you all tomorrow

Love GetMeBack

x

Well day 32 , the challenge. 43 days since I actually spoke to him on the phone.

Feel very disconnected from him, like he is a stranger and I dont really know who he is anymore.

Its very sad. I would be lying if I said I dont miss him.

I think of him at least once a day.. but it is getting less.

I will never initiate any contact, I just dont want to hurt myself anymore than I have. I am protecting myself.

I do hope he is happy, and I do love him still..

But I know someone will love and cherish me, that I deserve.

Day 27.

 

Feeling odd today. I woke up feeling quite detached from the situatuation. It feels like I'm forgetting things about him and he is starting to seem like more of a stranger to me everyday.

Hey, its day 28 or 29 for me....I completely identify with this. I feel really disconnected from him now...as if I dont really know him anymore. Its kinda sad really. Its been nearly 40 days since I heard his voice in total,but I know that what we are all doing here is for the best...x

ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH DELETE THE NUMBER HUN!!!! XXXXX

33 DAYS SINCE I PHYSICALLY SPOKE TO HIM ON THE PHONE

22 DAYS ACTUAL NC

I AM RIGHT BEHIND YOU ANGRY HEART..

Hi everyone..I mentioned a little while back that I didnt know where honeyspur had disappeared too. Her advice was an inspitaration to us all

..I do feel that you all need support in NC as it was very difficult for me to start off with also.

So as of from now...I will reply to all posts made on this thread. I am your new mentor hehe...and any questions you may have come up about your NC. I will try my best to help you all the best I can...

Love

GetMeBack

well, I havent posted in a while...

But its been 3 and a half months since I seen him in person ( He lived an hour and a half away )..28 days since I spoke to him verbally...and 17 days since any contact at all..

I have been thinking of him less and less

But I would be lying if I said I didnt miss him because I do..

Everytime I think of him, I just feel sad.

GetMeBack