You're exactly right mrmaxumum. When I was trying to fix things with my ex, I was so careful not to upset her and give her an excuse to do it again. The things that she said that made her want to do it was so trivial thinking back on it and I realize now that I was in no condition to think things through that I was doing everything just to try and make her happy, even if it meant that I wasn't happy.
Looking back, I see now that she was willing to drive me crazy to keep her reputation in tact. This is why I'm so impressed with the way you put things JennyNifer. You simply were honest and even though you and your SO couldn't work things out, he at least is not carrying the guilt that he did things to directly cause the affair. My ex didn't show me that support that you did and maybe things would have been different if she did.
I feel that when these things happen to a relationship, both people need to sit and talk about the problem and let each other know what they would be looking for to get the relationship back. These processes are hindered when the person who had the affair is trying to throw up smoke and mirrors, trying to give some dignified response at the expense of the cheatee.