loverUTD

"Que sera, sera,

Whatever will be, will be;

The future's not ours to see.

Que sera, sera,

What will be, will be."

Though I rather enjoy hanging onto what could be. It's all I've got, and it brings me comfort. I still can't sleep at night, but at least I can go about my day to day business knowing that we'll be together again someday.

Feelings aren't like a faucet. They don't turn on and off. She deleted you on facebook so she didn't have to see it 50 times a day.

That being said, I would maintain NC until she contacts you. No matter how you change or think you change, or how good a job you think you'll do with a second chance, first she has to want to try again. And that will come of her own accord. Let her go. If she comes back to you, then she was always yours. If not, then she never was. /cliche

Quit for her because you love her and she's trying to help you, and herself, and you're relationship. Geez.

It sounds like you messed up and ran her off. You can't make her come back. If she wants to give you another chance, she will. But there's nothing you can do about that. You can't manipulate her feelings with your online status or your away messages. And odds are, she's not trying to do that to you. She's just trying to fill her life with other things to fill the void you've left in it.

I would say block her on AIM, that way you can't see her, she can't see you. If she needs to, she can call.

That's a tough situation. Personally I don't understand that "grass is greener" feeling of wanting to shop around.

I think the thing to do would be not to update your facebook\myspace\away message every 5 minutes with what you're doing. I know there's an urge to do that because you want to think that they're checking it, that they care what you're doing, that it's like they're there with you.

Just be online when you're online. And try to restrict yourself to 3 away messages a day. And keep them general. Like "Sleeping" or "Out."

Then just try not to think about her.

I listen to sad country music every day. I constructed a playlist the day after she requested time and space apart that's designed to cut right through me. All the songs that are so applicable to our situation. To how I feel. And I've added to that over the past 3 weeks. I've done a decent job at maintaining limited contact. I plan on this taking at least another month, though I'm prepared to wait as long as it takes.

My lead song, and my favorite:

I breathe in I breathe out

Put one foot in front of the other

Take one day at a time

'Til you find

I'm that someone you can't live without

Until then

I breathe in and breathe out

I think the best way for a fresh start is to actually treat it like a fresh start. It may seem silly, but ask her out to dinner. A date. Talk to her. Get to know her again. Ask her those stupid things like, what's your favorite movie? Get to know one another again. Build your trust and relationship anew, but with the ability to sidestep potholes from the past. You'll bring the spark of a fresh romance back, and you'll have a fresh chance at what was mostly a good old thing.

Just my 2 cents.

It certainly should not be a power struggle, she chose to make it and now we are at an impasse. I have quit now and intend to try for at least 2 weeks. I'm confident I can do it, I smoked so little in the first place. But it does not change the fact that she is trying to control me. If I give in, what will be next?

Just listen to yourself. You're going to quit anyway. You could have quit for her and avoided all of this.

Feel like you're giving up control of your life by doing something to make her happy? Then obviously this relationship isn't going to last. It's not all about YOU. Your smoking bothered HER. It made her unhappy. And instead of identifying the problem and trying to fix it, you freaked out and broke up with her.

That's not the right attitude to go into this with. You broke up because of feelings that both of you are entitled to have, right? That's not reason not to trust one another. So give it an honest try at starting again. Try to start things fresh if you can. It might be the best decision you ever made in your life.

Yeah, you broke no contact. But it was reasonable. You need to look at why he told you not to hold out hope for a reconciliation. Is it because he feels inadequate and would feel guilty if you waited for him to get his act together? Or because he genuinely believes you're incompatible?

Love isn't a power struggle. You shouldn't resent her for "winning" a fight. Before there ever IS a fight, ask yourself "is this worth creating strife and friction in our relationship?" Most of the time the answer is NO, and you should just do what you can to make the person you love happy.

I don't even know where to start over seemingly choosing narcotics over a meaningful relationship. That doesn't make for a positive outlook for the rest of your life.

How long have you been together? Do you love her? Why did she break up with you?

I'm also running no contact up until around valentines day. She sent me a message on facebook yesterday letting me know that I spelled the name of a stuffed animal wrong in a facebook picture caption, and said "way to not say hi or give me a chance to" in regards to me ignoring her at an on campus event the other night. She also said I looked good.

I'm confident that things will work out. I'm actually doing the opposite of getting my mind off of things. Her pictures still adorn my laptop and desktop backgrounds. There's nothing I can do other than hope things work out, and give her the time and space she asked for. I still think we'll be together eventually, and I'm not giving up.

Chase your first love. You'll always regret it if you don't give it another chance. Never give up. I believe fairy tales can come true. I believe in true love. I believe you're not over her for a reason.

I'm not necessarily the most impartial source of advice.

I didn't really have any questions for mine. She had her breakup speach well rehearsed and practiced before she laid it on me, so she didn't shed any tears.

In a lot of cases, women believe that they are justified in feeling whatever they feel. So if all of a sudden they're "not in love" anymore, they want to justify that feeling. They'll pick random symptoms. Mine was kind enough to let me know that the symptoms were simply symptons of the overall "not in love anymore" feeling. They do feel guilt about this. They don't feel bad that they're feelings change, they feel guilty that you're getting hurt. There's a big difference there. You can't show them how miserable you are in hopes of getting them back.

I've got a non-pressuring card planned for around valentines day. Even beyond that, I have no intention of giving up on this, no matter what. I'm convinced that she's the one. Keep in mind that I'm not one to go to crazy stalker levels. I'll just suffer quietly, holding her in my heart.

I'd say block her off from contact for a while. It's hard with facebook, but don't post your facebook status every 5 minutes. Her curiosity will be what brings her back. Hopefully.

I haven't seen the full story here, but it sounds painfully similar to what I'm going through. In college, been with her for 5 months, never one fight, spent every day trying to make her happy, then out of the blue one day, she says she needs time and space to think. That we should separate. I didn't really understand. She said I did everything perfectly, that no one would ever treat her better. But that she wasn't comfortable being by herself, and had issues with herself, and felt like she couldn't dedicate herself to the relationship.

This all happened roughly 18 days ago. A week ago, after being confused and lashing out and saying things I didn't mean, I started NC.

Being in college you know how central facebook is to life. A week ago I put that I would be attending this stand up comedy gig last night. I show up and she's there. She didn't even like being there last semester. I can't figure out why she would be there. I ignored her. She was 10 feet away, but so far out of reach. It hurt bad.

Just try not to * * * * * about it on facebook. That'll just push her further away. I know what it's like to check someone's facebook 20 times a day. I deleted her number from my phone, and deleted her off yahoo messenger so that I couldn't contact her.

Why did yours break it off?

Holy christ, I just threw up again. I was having some soup for lunch and writing the post before this one and I just felt violently ill. So that's twice.

I am starving and have been for a few days now. But I don't want to eat, and it looks like even if I make myself, I won't keep it down.

Yeah, she ended our relationship on facebook and changed her picture away from us as a couple to one of her with her sister.

It was such a blow seeing that. It's like it made it all real. I threw up.

I think she doesn't know what's going on, she's confused, etc. She is prone to hormonal mood swings, and she did just start on the pill a month ago. All I can do is wait for her to figure out that she does love me. I think if I hold on long enough, she'll come back to me.

I told her I would never call her. But I will always answer when she calls me, and that I'll be waiting when she figures out what she wants.

She told me she's not in love with me anymore. She was, but not anymore. She says she still loves me. I told her to call me if she changes her mind, I'll be waiting, and asked her to leave.

I've never felt this way about anyone before. Not even close. I've never been in love before. Gay or straight I was a shallow, bad person. I never really cared about anyone.

But I love this girl and I don't want to lose her. I realize it's entirely out of my hands now. It's going to be a rough year of undergrad knowing she's nearby. I was planning on spending this year making great memories with her before going off to law school. Now I'll have to take 5 months of memories and a year of heartbreak with me.

I went to a friends new house to drink last night. I couldn't stand to drink much. I ended up hiding in a bathroom in a far end of the house, crying on the floor with my head in my hands. I slept there for about 2 hours, paced the floors for about 4 hours. No one wanted to wake up or drive on the ice. And taxis are messed up because of the weather. So I walked home. 3.5 miles. It wasn't so bad. At least I was doing something.

She doesn't know why she's not in love with anymore. I have explanation. She says I did everything right and I really believe that I did. I tried so hard to make this perfect. I don't deserve this. If bad things are going to happen to good people, why can't I catch a lightning bolt? At least then I'd go out quick and in a bang. Instead I'm just left to... linger.

I had class from 5:30 to 6:45. Now I'm watching American Idol. I hate American Idol. Just something to do to pass the time until she gets out of class at 10. That's when she's coming to talk to me.

Hopefully I can get her to tell me what the real issue is here.

It was almost a relief when she broke up with me earlier. It was better than sitting around wondering if it was over or not. But now I'm plunged back into the suspense of the unknown.

She came and broke up with me this morning. She said that the past was just a sympton of her overall feelings. She said she feels that she doesn't love me as much as I love her.

I feel that she may be trying to hide something that she's guilty about. She tried to break up with me when she kissed her ex before new years, but I pried the truth out of her and we moved on.

She seemed extremely resolute in what she said. As if it was practiced. She didn't shed any tears.

I didn't have anything to say to her. I just feel totally unloveable. I told her to gather her things and go, and that if she changes her mind, I'll be here.

She sent me an email about an hour after that saying she wants to talk to me tonight after class. Now I'm back to not knowing what may happen.

On top of that, one of my absolute best friend's in the world abruptly stopped talking to me about 5 months ago. (Coincidentally around the same time I started dating my girlfriend?) A total loss of contact. She goes to school accross the country. I've sent a few emails over the months, really just "how's it going?" Nothing serious. Never a reply. I asked a mutual friend if she was doing ok over Christmas break, she told me that she was.

Well yesterday I sent her a tearful emailing saying that I needed her to talk to me, to be my friend. She actually wrote back, asking simply "is something wrong?"

I find myself too angry with her to actually talk to her. That she abandoned me for all this time without giving a reason. I suspect it may have hurt her that I spent years being her gay friend, only to go off and fall in love with some girl at college. But I don't know that for certain. It's just a wild theory.

She came and picked up her phone charger a little while ago. I walked her down to her car, down the icy steps. I told her that I knew who I was and what I wanted. That I was the man that loved her, and I would be for a long time to come. She cried a little and said to give her a few days.

I'm in bed sobbing now. What does this mean? I'm dying here.