kissfrk101

HAPPY UPDATE, She did call & in the seven days of no contact she was more stressed than I was. We talked, I kept the conversation lite & upbeat avoided the issues. She finally brought up the problems we were having, within a 1/2 hr we had the hugh miscommunication we had going on figured out & what we were going to do to not fall into this problem again. The holding out respecting her feelings for space really paid off. Thank You to everybody for the advice & keeping me busy with the nice replies. Hopefully everybody's relationship problems will work themselves out & no contact is a big help. Good Luck to everyone I'll try to keep you posted over the next little while. Wait & see how this plays out.

I had an important doctors appointment today should I take it as a real bad sign if she doesn't call to see how I made out? She's gone with me to all my appointments in the past. She also had an appointment should I drop her a quick line or no. Were not in NC just she needed some space to sort her head out. Like I said i haven't talk to her in 7 days & it would be a short e-mail. Advice Please!!!

She knows how I feel about her & left it that 7 days ago, the ball is in her court now & I've got it in my head she's not coming back rather than sit around waiting. All the issues are her problem & how she has conducted herself, I've been rolling with the punches. Talk is cheap & I fell for the sales pitch, now I'm seeing the reality of who she is. If she wants to piss her life away on some fantasy with this guy that's her problem, not mine. She's going to have too make some changes to get me back. Tough talk eh! we'll see what happens.

I agree with everybody space is the way to go & I haven't spoke to her in 7 days & I'm ok with it. It's the constant flury of scenerio's going through my head of what the true problem is that I'm dealing with right now. Won't know the answer until she calls but I will if she doesn't. Stay strong & play the waiting game is my plan, I'll keep all you nice people with great advice posted. Thanks!!!

Oh I do see things but I'm thinking with my heart not my head at this moment. last night I was using my head. The longer the no contact the better I'll be. She just needs to figure out what she wants & I need to stop judging her. I'm sure she has very good reasons for her actions which only she understands. I've been very good to her except for my pressing to find whatever the truth is. I need to show her I love by letting her deal with whatever her issues are & hopefully she'll come back to me if not well life goes on. She needs to be happy before she can make me or anyone else happy.

Well until I hear from her I am moving on but the not knowing is keeping me guessing. I'm afraid my obsession with this guy has stopped me from seeing the truth which is what she is telling me. I'm sure she isn't going to end her friendship with this guy for me not knowing if things are going to work out at least this early in the relationship. Why lose us both? Need to just be patient & see how it plays out I guess! I can't understand why she would try this hard to decieve me if that is in fact what she is doing?

That's how things have gone for the last 2 months I let her call & decide when to spend time which was alot. I believe she was trying to be there for me & be the girlfriend she thought she should be. Things just weren't making sense to me. She'd be coming on to me 1 second then rolling over & going to sleep the next. Making comments on how I'm not allowed to fall in love with her. That I don't know her & may not like who she is. Just really negitive stuff then on top of that my suspicions about the friendship with this guy. Before I found out about the affair the way she would talk about this guy, like he walked on water. She even told him she loved him at the end of a message she left for him while I was standing there. She has just created such an insecurity for me I don't know what to believe. She swears up & down she has never cheated on me. I've asked her if she had seen him outside of work (He is a cop & they cross paths once in a while) during our relationship. She pause for a long time then said no (which would indicate she's not telling the truth to me). When I found the video tape we had a conversation where I said don't hide things from me. I hoped she would come clean about the tape & she didn't. Then I really lost my cool on Saturday when I found a recording of phone messages he had left of how much he enjoyed having sex & how much he loved her. I was under the impression until that point they had only done it once, realized their mistake & just went back to being friends. Another lie I caught her in surronding this guy. Yet she can't understand why I have such an issue with him. She did explain some things to me & I didn't break up with her like I was going to. I was hard on her but left feeling we could still make this work, she ask for the key to her house back & I left. When I got home & slept on it I wrote her this email: This is for all the readers again, lol I'll try to keep this short. I left last night unbearabley upset, I felt that you were willing to work this threw & I'm still positive we can if you decide that is what you want to do. Believe me I've thought about things all night & tried to put myself in your shoes as to why you wouldn't tell me the truth when I found the letter. I want you to please know that I do understand your feelings knowing how crushed you are about the fact it happened, the story you told me was the quickest & easiest way for you to deal with it & put it to rest again & that you weren't tring to decieve me intentionally. I BELIEVE that this was your reasoning. I BELIEVE you when you say have never lied to me about anything else & that you have been open & honest about yourself. I know you feel responsible the affair happened & you don't want his life ruined because of your mistake that is why you are concerned about it getting out & I can't imagine what a heavy burden that has been on you. My heart is so heavy & sad of the thought of you not being in my life anymore I can hardly stand it. I can't believe because of one bad judgement call that had nothing to do with us that it has come to this. We are so good together, from the first day it was like you were a hugh breath of freash air in my life. We've had so many warm loving moments together going for walks holding hands, cuddling on the couch, just the other night brushing your hair, not mention all the fun travelling around on road trips all the giggles & teasing each other. As tough as the last little bit has been we've had alot of great moments together it hasn't been all bad in fact it has been mostly great. We always seem to focus on the bad for whatever reason & not remember the good. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me & I don't want this mistake that was made in your past, to stop us from the happiness I know we would have together. I'm begging you Kel to try and see past this. In all your e-mails you say that you want me in your life & you care about so please give it one more chance. The air is cleared about things if we could just start over I know it can work. I don't know if it freaks you out to hear me say this but I LOVE YOU, the pain I was feeling last night at the thought of losing you I knew that I loved you I knew it before but there is no doubt in my heart now. I called last night to at least tell you how I feel about you. I know you have a lot to work out & deal with. If we have to stay apart till you can sort your feelings out I will do what ever it take to make this work. You are one of the most special people I have ever met the way you put yourself out for anybody and that is an incredible quality that few people have. We've all made mistakes but you make up for yours ten fold by being who you are & what you do for others. If there were more people like you in this world it wouldn't be the way it is. All I ask is that you take the time to think about what we could have together, you feel it the same as I do that there is something special between us we knew that when we first met. We wouldn't have even made it this far if there wasn't something there. I know your upset as much as I am & I hope your ok, my heart is breaking for you in what your dealing with. I forgive you for the lie, I do understand the position you were in & why it you told it & most important of all I TRUST YOU!!!! I know you were not tring to decieve because you've never lied about anything else.

Thank You all, I am listening to everything I am hearing & holding strong. I'm not hurting to badly just upset that I really may have misjudged who she is as a person. I'm really questioning whether she is the person for me at this point. Her morals or lack there of has me wondering. Everyone makes mistakes but for her to be around this guys wife & daughter once in a while with no sign of guilt makes me wonder. I can only imagine what this woman would feel like if she found out the truth. what I know about her affair & how she has conducted herself since is real & your right I'll never know the real truth as to why she needs this space. I think maybe the only way to win is to just move on & leave all the drama behind but there is that part of me that wants to believe in her. She did get me through a really tough time with my eyes, why would she bother & then just piss it all away. I think she is just a very confuse woman who has never had any real support from anyone & hides very well the hurt she feels. I'm getting all sappy here but I do see the good in her. When things are going good in a relationship it doesn't take a lot of effort. When things are tough it's when you need to be there the most to show you are supporting them. This is why I am giving her her space to sort this out for herself. I hope she realizes that what I'm offering her is a real loving relationship where as she is only a piece of a** to this guy with alot of sweet talk. Time will tell & I guess I'll make my decision when or if the time comes.

Yes, this has been a lesson. Gokker hit it on the head if she has that much selfish in her how is she going to treat me. Correction has been treating me, complete lack of respect for my feeling and now running away instead of working through the problem till we find a solution. Early warning signs of the future I'm sure!

It hurts most because I don't if she was just playing me or not. I'm usually upset with myself for giving too much to quick then looking back & realizing how blind I was. I kind of lost faith in relationships as you could probely tell by my 9yr break from them. So I thought I'd take a chance & here i am 3 months in & the same old BS. Seems to get worse as we get older everybody with tons of baggage. All I wanted for her to do is tell me the truth & she lied from day one, I guess i should be thankful it's only 3 months & not 3yrs. I guess I'm just more disappointed than anything. We keep pluggin though!!! Thanks for the words it's helped clear my head.

Ya she has all the real issues to deal with, If you love something set it free, If it loves you it will come back. Just sucks! finally get back to work next week after being off for 5 months. Lost my eyesight in one eye because of diabetes. I'm sure that's been a good chunk of my problem too much time to think. She even mentioned that. Thanks Again!!

Thanks & I have been doing that. It just blows me away how such stupid things can get blown so far out of wack. It's just hard knowing when it call it quits. I usually tough it out till I get crushed & that's my fault. We'll see what happens next. Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll need some help!!!

I haven't talk to her In five days & unless she calls me I don't intend to. I don't want to feel it's over & then have her call me & want to work things out. I guess I'd rather deal with both scenerios so I'm pepared. I can go either way at this point.

Oh I've got tons of friends & interests I'm just really on the fence about this right now. Your right I just gotta get my head around that need to let her go, I don't like to give up so easily & it seems more like denial on her part. I'm holding on to how great we were together before this stupid issue came about & if we could get past this & whatever else is bothering her could be again. As tough as our situation is at times it been mostly good. I guess I need to hear from her first to know for sure. I'm hopeless I know.

Yes I gave her that letter last Tuesday before she left on her trip. I sent her an e-mail before I gave her that letter which was way off the mark on what her issues where. I didn't want her to leave thinking I'm not see her side of things. No I haven't thought about any future with her I'm not that far out of touch. Trust me I have thought about everything your saying over & over. Do I accept she was an evil person which she has admitted to being at the time or do I accept she was at a low point in her life & this guy took advantage of her by showing her attention & manipulating her. She feels she wants this guy in her life because he's been there in troubled times she just doesn't see him for who he is. Do I take a chance & play the fool (for awhile) or take a stand (which would surely end things in there current state). That is really my struggle, she may realize what this guy is up to now that I have given her my opinion on him because up until now only her sister knew about the affair & I'm sure she wasn't that forward. Again I don't plan to make contact, I've put myself in her shoes. She may feel ashamed to have me find out about this in such a new relationship the fact we've even made it this far says something of our commitment to one another but it is taking it's toll mostly because I keep dwelling on it. Here is a bit of e-mail she sent me last Sunday: As I said before I have some issues I am dealing with and one of them to me that has been my major issue(and I know it is my reason for holding back on the affection and being the touchy feely person that I am); I am having a hard time with letting myself fall in love with you. Its not because of you its because of me. I love being with you, doing things with you, cuddling with you, but I am not ready to give my heart fully to you and it has nothing to do with that man!!!! or you!!! Its me, I am not able to fully commit to anyone, as I have also explained to you when we were up north. I don't know if it is a protection thing or what it is and I am trying to understand it. You are a wonderful, sweet, caring, loving man and I don't understand what is keeping me back from letting go, other than possibly I fear losing you. As I have explained to you before I lose everything I love, so it is easier for me just not to love!!!! But I am sure that is not the whole issue. But because you have become so focused on the other issue, I find myself pushing away from you more and more, and not really wanting to understand what's holding me back from letting go and just loving you. I felt up till last night that eventually if you could just let go of the past issue, we would have a wonderful fun life, but honestly I really don't know anymore. I don't know where I want to go from here. I have so much else emotionally I deal with on a daily basis that I can't control , I just don't know any more if I want to try and make this work. I agree it could have been something so wonderful. I have fought for us for 2 months now, and frankly I am just exhausted from this fight!!!!Two people who care for each other should not be letting anything interfer with there relationship, yet you have let it WHY, WHY IS this been such a big thing for you???? I have tried to understand really I have, but the way I look at things life is too short and I don;t know that I have the fight to make this work anymore because I feeling like I am going to find myself walking on egg shells or wondering if you will be going through my stuff, whether or not you are being open with me, what is bothering you when I sense something is wrong, etc. I don't know what to say to you at this point as I don't know what I want to do. I need to get my head on straight before I can really figure out whether I want to fight for this relationship or not. Answering that question now would not be fair to you or me, so I leave it in the air for now. I am sorry but thats the only answer you will get from me right now. I am barely functioning, please do not push me for an answer.

I do care about her so much when she told me about her life I felt bad for her one bad relationship after another always ended up being cheated on. She is freaked out because she says she's never had anyone treat her like I do & she doesn't know how to deal with it. I've being trying to show her I'm not how much she means to me but it seems to be backfiring on me. Nice guys finish last thing & then this guy chipping away at her emotions on top of everything else she has to deal with. I just feel helpless that were not even going to get the chance to even get this thing between us going. I'm going to give her the space I just hope my pressing for the truth hasn't ruined things already. I to have been cheated on more times then I care to admit & because of that have add to this problem to the point she feels it's not worth it. Very bummed about it.

Thanks for all the input, I am definitly not going to call her. I gave her the suggestion before she left that we just go back & date which we really never did. She would call me when she was feeling rested & we'd meet for a coffee or a movie keep it simple. She was open to it but just didn't know what she wanted at that point. I do have a big problem with trying to fix people maybe this is a good learning experience. Thank You for the help it is much appreciated just gotta have some faith. I do feel very guilty about pushing her to ease my insecurity I see the mistakes I've made hopefully my letter will help her realize that. I included it for those who like to read: I thought I’d sit & try to put down my feelings of the situation we find ourselves in & how I feel about you. Mostly I hope to make you understand, I realize your needs & what I am willing to do to make things right between us. I had been single for nine years for many reasons mostly because of my cynical attitude toward relationships. I wanted to enjoy life without someone holding me back or making & issue out of any stupid little hobbies I may have had at the time. It seemed my life was made miserable over the most insignificant things. In then end though it always came down to betrayal, not being able to express my feelings & being able to trust the person because of suspicious behavior. This continues to be my biggest fear of investing my feelings, time & money only to be left with a broken heart at the end. All that being said I always said to myself if someone incredibly special comes into the picture I would not pass up the chance. When I heard your voice for the first time (because it was dark in that yard) I was instantly attracted to you, something in your voice, your attitude, your laugh (that’s why I crack so many jokes I loved your laugh) it was amazing to have that feeling about someone again. Then when we got up to leave and you walked through the breezeway & saw how gorgeous you were I knew I had met the woman I had been dreaming of. I however had a very low self-esteem problem because of my health, my sexual problems & that I didn’t want to burden anybodies life with my issues. I had held back a bit because of nerves & thoughts of why would a beautiful woman like this be interested in a guy like me when we went for dinner. Then I had the problems with my eyes & my whole world fell apart. I was depressed, scared, feeling lower than I have ever felt, didn’t talk to anybody, slept most of the time. Debbie invited me to Joe’s party & I think the only reason I went is because they said you were going to be there. You showed up & sat beside me, we talked for really the first time. Everything that was going on with me just disappeared & I felt truly happy. You asked me to the party you were having for Steve, I even stopped drinking, I didn’t want to feel like crap cause there was nothing going to stop me from going to this party. We just clicked I felt a confidence I had never felt before, you made me feel so comfortable & secure it was an incredible feeling, it gave me the confidence to ask you to my grandmothers birthday. From that day forward it has been one of the most incredible feelings of my life, I have never felt so close or bonded with someone like we have. Like with all people there is always some baggage from our pasts & the pressures of survival in our daily lives. I have been completely ignorant to just how much the thos pressures of survival have been affecting you. I’ve forgotten what it’s like trying to deal with hugh financial responsibilities, never had to deal with children, shift work, brothers, sisters, volunteer work, just being exhausted mentally & physically in general. All my worries were lifted from my shoulders when you came into my life. I have completely ignored the real reason for your change in mood & affection because I was so afraid of losing such an amazing woman that has brought so much to my life in a short time. I re-read my e-mail I sent you the other night when I told you I wanted to give things another chance& realized your right I did nothing but dwell on that one issue. My focus has been on my biggest fear of being betrayed, I’m feeling threatened by this man because of the information that had surfaced & ignored the real issues affecting you lately which is the everyday struggles to survive. It has caused me to act & do things I would normally never do like invading your privacy (I never went searching through your stuff but my fears pushed me to do the wrong thing when I came accross that stuff). I have no way to take back the things I’ve done or if my apologies & explanations can ease the pain I’ve caused you over the last few months. I can only hope that you know in your heart the kind of person I really am & that I never meant to hurt you or betray your trust. I’ve learned from these mistakes & will make a conscious effort never to make them again. I will always confide in you when things are bothering me that is one of the things I love about you is that I can do that. I’ve had too much time on my hands to dwell on my fears instead of listening to what you were telling me & understanding what the real issues were for you. I truly believe that we were meant for each other, your need of space & your independence is really a new experience for me. I realize how important thos needs are & will focus on giving you your space & independence. I can’t tell you how much you mean to me, I’m so overwhelmed with guilt about how insensitive & selfish I’ve been acting to you. I only hope that you can understand my intentions were meant to be good but my fears have caused me to act so foolishly & do the wrong things. I LOVE YOU & I can only hope your feelings for me are still there & you can find it your heart to forgive me. I hope you have a wonderful trip & enjoy the time away.

How should I handle things if she calls & wants to get into details maybe to dig us deeper. I almost feel that she is trying sabotage the relationship because of me finding out so many details of the affair.

I realize that affair is her business & I don't have a problem that it happened. She has a real problem that I found out about it before she was ready to tell me. What I have a problem with is him crossing the line of friendship during our relationship & my concern that she is doing nothing about it. What kind of message is that sending to me? I feel he's munipulating her & because of her feelings for him doesn't see his motives. Which are clearly to draw her into the past. He still wants his cake and eat it to.

I wrote her a letter and gave it to her before she left telling her mostly about the mistakes I've made dealing with this. I think I'll just wait till she contacts me, she just got back from her trip last night at midnight (that was the details before she left) & then had to be up for work at 5am to work a 12hr shift. She is very confused of what she wants because of the arguments prior to her going away & probley I caught her in a lie. She told me the affair was a one time thing & I found out it went on for sometime. If she doesn't call then I guess I have my answer but I have appeared needy trying to understand her position & find a solution so I can't be making any first moves. I probley also made a mistake by taking to her sister, more asking for advice & to vent. I've keep the details of the affair to myself at her request because she doesn't want it getting out. I couldn't talk to friends or family & didn't know about this website at the time. Her sister was the only other one who knew about it but my girlfriend may see it as I was fishing for info. Your right I need to relax

I've been so threaten by this guy & the way she admires him, it's hard to think of anything else. She has given me a trust issue which makes it harder to just accept what she is saying plus she's being so defensive about the issues around him. Hiding something or just guilty it happened? My other issue is if she feels so guilty about the affair how can she still be friends with this guy & occasionaly be around his wife & daughter. That's very dissrespectful to me considering the wife has no idea. She seems to be a good person but makes really bad judgements & selfish

Thanks Survictor your right that is what she is saying to me & I plan to give that space. So I should talk to her but not see her?

Thanks, it has been tough deciding what to do. As of yet I haven't heard from her & i don't intead to call her. If she does call I'm just going to keep things lite & not get into the issues, let her bring up wanting to talk about things. Unfortunately these issues I'm having with this guy are going to have to be resolved, sooner or later it will become an issue again being as they are still friends. I feel her main problem is that she's hiding something & by me wanting to talk about it is that she is feeling pressure of no being straight with me to begin with. I feel most of our other issues have been a smoke screen to avoid this but I am not sure? She seems to be attacking my integrity when in fact it was her disshonsty in the first place that has created my insecurity. I want to make a stand & say if you want the relationship to contiune we need to resolve these issuses but I also know I have to give her the space to get her head straight. I don't want to give her the impression I'm just going to let go of these issues over time because they need to addressed for my sanity. I know I'm doing a lot of over thinking, she may never call again for all I know. It to me seems like it's such a simple thing to fix but I'm having such a hard time reasoning with her, she would rather just avoid the whole subject & sweep it back under the carpet where it was before I found out about it. This guy still wants more from her but because she feels in control of her feelings that I shouldn't worry & why I keep making a big issue out of something that happened in her past. My issue isn't that she had an affair, my issue is he's sending her love tapes during our relationship & for some reason can't make her understand my point on this. This guy is such a manipulator she has herself convinced it was her fault the affair happened which makes me concerned about what kind of spell he still has on her. We just keep going in circles & It's driving me & her to where we are now.

Thanks for the advice! I think for the last 2 months she has been pushing me away by her actions but I was very confused by how great the 1st month went. I went into this wearing my heart on my sleeve as she did but she's now backing off. She's telling me I'm more emotionally envolved than she is, she's spun on a dime after I found out about this secret from her past. I've outright said to her if she's not interest in the relationship tell me & I'm gone but she insists how deeply she cares for me, wants me in her life. So I've stayed & tried to be there. The whole relationship has been complicated by the fact she had an affair with a married man a yaer ago prior to us. They've both remained close friends & although there is nothing physical going on there is definitly something emotional. He has sent her a video tape with a bunh of crap on it but telling her how much he will always love her at the end. She hid the tape from which made me very uncomfortable but she can't seem to understand why because she says she would never go back to that situation again. Then on top of her behavior I don't know what to believe anymore.

That's the plan! should I give it a time limit or break down after awhile. She has got some pretty major issues to deal with which includes me finding out about a dark secret from her past which has affected her which has to do with the lie she told me about. This is the first time I've had to deal with this space thing & in most opinions it's a sign she heading for the door.