basnik0

Pay attention that he hasn'tt apologysed to you for saying that-he just continued to be logical...like I was just talking about body parts.... come on! He didn't say sorry it was wrong to say so and I am sorry I hurted you.

To be honest, he did apologise.

He said that I was still the best looking girl he's ever seen in his life, even if someone else has better boobs or butt. And he looked sooo sory that he hurt me....

For some reason, it didn't work for me. Just sounded like he wanted to get out of an unpleasant situation.

Maybe it was just my vanity that was hurt, but I still can't shake the feeling off …

So you were seeking attention by questioning him that, and I am wondering why did you feel the need to ask that? Did you already know that he thinks you're not great looking?

I thought he found me extremely good looking! And he still says so.

The only thing that might've (subconsciously) triggered that question was his looking at other women…

Hm, I guess if someone told that to me (and I tend to think that I look pretty good) I would feel unloved, not sexualy wanted and I would loose all the wish for sex...

Ditto

When we choose a bf/gf, we look at how attractive that person is.

We expect to have sex with that person (if we stay together) till the end of our lives.

No one likes if their SO goes and has sex with someone else.

Most people think that a relationship doesn't have anything to do with physical attraction, but is based on personality match and similar interests. If it has nothing to do with sex, why we all get so upset with the idea of our loved ones doing it with someone else?

Now, I don't understand: if a marriage/relationship is only about personality and common interest (and not about physical attraction or sex), why do we have to complicate it with sexual monogamy? Or with sex at all? Why don't we simply choose partners that are on the 'same wavelength' as we are (regardless of sexual attractiveness) and have sexual relationship with people that we are attracted to?

Why do we have to mix the two?

On the other hand, if relationships are about sex and attraction, why do we complicate things by trying to find someone with nice personality?

In other words, why don't we separate this two.

It seems to me that the fact that we (as a society) keep these two things together causes more problems than it solves.

I feel I'm missing something important that everyone else gets.

Can anyone help?

The nicest air hostesses of my life where on Canadian Airlines transpacific services. Them must have been the most senior ones. Every plane, same girls. I dubbed them wrinkle counters. My gf who flew with me once agreed.

 

Them were close to retirement, capable, experienced, humorous, well lived, witty, I could have made love to them any time.

 

OK with you?

 

Edit: Sorry, mind drift - still grinning - What I mean is love the person not just the body!

I’m not trying to be rude, but I don’t understand your point.

(You loved those air hostesses? You loved your gf?)

When asking the hottest thing...are you implying physical characteristics only ???

Well, I guess I am.

For me, it is very hard to think about physical characteristics only, because I find that everything else seems to affect my perception. But I know most people don't have this 'problem'…

This came up in another thread, so I thought I'd start a new one…

Do you girls expect to be the ‘hottest thing’ out there for your bf?

How about guys?

I meant to ask you before...when this conversation came up, you said "someone" mentioned her name. So I am wondering if your boyfriend made his comparison of you and his ex in front of other people, as well. Or was it just between the two of you.

Oh no, he never went so far!

It was b/w the two of us, completely innocent.

I see a few problems here.

Second, if you expect your man to believe that you are the hottest girl out there, you will either be deceived or disappointed.

I know lots of girls who expect that.

How about girls here? Do you expect to be the hottest girl out there to your bf?

If you're 20 or under, you might be the hottest girl that regularly comes within his field of view. There's even a one in a hundred million or so chance that you are the hottest girl in all of existence. But in ten years, you won't be.

Under 20?? That leaves you only 2 years of legal age.

Isn't that discrimination?

Why can't a 30, 40, 50 yo woman be the 'hottest thing' to someone? Same goes for men.

I know this goes beyond this topic, and I know media is trying to teach us every day that only youth is good, but came on!

So, when he is 60, he will still look at 20 yo and find them hot? He will always want something that he can't have but we'll be stuck with me?

This means that we are all doomed.

But he will not think you are the hottest girl in existence. He may tell you that, but if he does he will be lying his * * * off to try to make you happy because he loves you for reasons that have nothing to do with hotness.

I think that when you choose your gf, it has A LOT to do with hotness, don't you agree?

It seem that I'm the only one to feel like this, but anyway...

I love him to bits. I think he is the sexiest man that ever walked the earth.

(I'm sure other people wouldn't think so, but who cares?)

I don't go around checking other hot men.

I don't want anyone else, no mater how hot they are; I'm not interested even to look at them twice.

And I'm not able to cut him to pieces and compare him piece by piece to someone else.

Since I feel this way, I guess, I expect same from him.

I think my problem is not the fact that there are bigger and firmer boobs out there, but that he shows interest in them.

For those of you who were wandering, I wasn't exaggerating! It was word by word.

I didn't push or nag or interrogate – I just asked simple, half serious question. (Well, at least it was half-serious at the time I asked, feels my more serious now...)

Thanks very much to all of you.

It really helps to hear other peoples' opinion in moments like this and I'm really grateful.

It seems I have some serious thinking to do.

If you have any other comments, please keep them coming.

If you're having to sit down with a pro/list to decide this...I think it's already done...

He's gone from my life, hasn't he?

It feels like it, I just don't want to accept this at rational level.

 

Plus, I've never broken up with anyone I still loved.

I don't know how I'm going to do it.

To be honest, I feel like I want to dump him right now. I also know he IS a good person.

I am not sure if it's just a spur of the moment.

I'm scared… It's going to miss him so much…

And the reason sounds so shallow to me...

Maybe I'm the shallow one?

PROS:

- It hurts like hell

- I hate spending my life with someone who will always find someone else better

CONTRAS:

- I myself know that some women have better bodies – why does it hurt so much if he thinks so too? (maybe because I don't go around looking at them all the time )

The fact that HE is getting older too will not stop him to look at 18 year olds and compare them with you.

Not fair, I know, but it seems that it is how most men feel.

As you said, most men are like that, what chance do I have?

Should I leave him only to find someone else who is the same?

How do you avoid being in a competition?

It's so confusing…

Are you over reacting? Depends. Are you over reacting to the fact you don't think you have a "better" body or to the fact he doesn't think so?

If I can say this without sounding vane and arrogant, I know I am attractive, I know men usually find me really 'hot' and I know I have a sexy body.

What bothers me is definitely what he thinks.

What bothers me is his ability to compare a woman he loves with anyone else like that (bit by bit). Is that a male thing? Maybe all men do that, I don't know.

I know I could never compare a person I love like that.

 

I think you are giving him too much credit. Usually in the beginning of relationships, people "cover up" who they really are because they are trying to "get" you. You end up falling in love with this image of the person and later when the facades come down, the love you have for the image clouds your judgment and generates excuses for what you're seeing now in this person. Maybe you're in denial, or maybe this isn't the case with him. I'm just giving you some food for thought...and this may be the tip of the iceberg here...

Definitely something worth thinking about.

 

My friend says men will always look at women and will always find someone else more attractive. Is that true?

Yep. Watch how he treats everyone else and you. This is how you really tell what someone's made of...

Well, I think I know what kind of person he really is. That's how I fall in love with him in the first place.

I just get so uncomfortable with him admiring other women's bodies, especially if he finds them 'better' than mine. I suppose this incident just helped those feelings to come to surface.

Do you think I'm overreacting?

Am I expecting impossible?

P.S. And thanks for helping me to figure things out. I really appreciate it.

You're missing the bigger point here. Ever hear of the expression "Actions speak louder than words"? I bet if you become more attentive and observant of his actions especially towards other people, you will see who he really is. That is key...

Sorry, I didn't quite understand what you meant here.

Did you mean behaviour towards other women or people in general?

Are you talking about finding out what sort of a person he is, overall, without concentrating too much on this particular aspect?

(He told me he was a "peogple watcher," lol ) What really killed me is that many of these girls were far less attractive than me, talk about killing your self-esteem!)

OMG, he told me the same thing!

Was it the same guy?

Or maybe it's a popular excuse.

He also told me he was a "people watcher," he told me he was looking at men as well as women. Yeah, right! You should see him!

My problem is, if I tell him not to do it when he is with me or if I tell him not to mention his ex's qualities, that would be an invitation to lie.

I would never know what's in his head.

Should I just accept he is interested is some way in other women? Most men are, anyway…

I just hate that so much ](*,)

This statement by him bothered me. It may be defiance but he got quite an ego.

He meant that there ARE people better than him.

He just wanted to show me that it was not a big deal to find someone 'better' and thought, if I experienced that myself, I'd be able to understand what he meant.

Thanks so much to everyone for your answers.

I've calmed down a bit now.

I know it sounds like overreacting to leave just because of one remark.

When you wake up with someone in the morning after thirty years of marriage you would have to work way too hard to maintain those sort of illusions. We don't want illusions - we want reality. And the reality is that we are not in perfect physical condition, we aren't going to be on the cover of People magazine and neither of us want to wear our glasses when looking in the mirror first thing in the morning.

 

We don't have, nor did we ever have, movie star looks. We are not, nor were we ever, 'hot'. But we didn't marry each other because of that - we married because we loved each other and we are still married for the same reason - despite, and in some cases, because of our flaws and lack of perfection.

What you're saying makes a lot of sense.

I completely agree with the way you look at relationships.

Also, no doubt he's telling the truth.

So he loves me, he wants to be with me, and we are completely honest with each other. But since I'm not perfect, he should go around looking at other women who are. Looking for 'better parts'.

I think he just concentrates too much on appearances. If how you look is not important, how come that he never misses to check out a woman that passes by?

Also, I am not always so sensitive to the truth.

I don't mind being told that I put on weight or that my hair looks awful. Those things can be fixed.

But some things can't be fixed and if he's going to spend a lifetime looking for those qualities in other women…

That would make my life miserable.

And that is the reason I'm considering ending the relationship.

If your boyfriend ever tells you he loves you and only you - believe him. Because, tactless as he is, he is a truth-teller.

He does tell me he loves me and only me. And I love him. I just always thought that a good relationship should not hurt this much. If it hurts, something must be wrong?

It's just been my experience that when a guy is truly in love with you, they tend to think you are the most beautiful girl TO THEM... doesn't mean the most beautiful person in the world by any means, but when you love someone, somehow everything about them becomes beautiful.

I was talking to him and he asked me to find someone better looking or 'better' in any way than him. I

The weird thing is: I couldn't.

I honestly don't think about anyone as being 'better' than my bf.

Maybe that is what I expect from him: not to lie about it, but to feel like no one is better than me.

I know this is just 'being in love' thing – but isn't it the whole point?

He is everything you always wanted and makes you very happy. And you are considering dumping him because he doesn't tell you what you want to hear about your body?

 

Are you sure that is wise?

It seems he doesn't make me very happy anymore.

I'm not sure it is wise, that is the reason I am here.

I am considering dumping him because he doesn't feel how I think he should be feeling about me, not because "he doesn't tell me what I want to hear".

I always wanted him to tell the truth and that doesn't change.

If you didn't want the truth you should not have asked.

If you wanted him to lie - how could you trust anything else he said?

 

Bottom line - you were testing him but the person who really failed the test was you. Because you asked a question without being prepared for the truth.

Fist of all, I was not testing him, that was never an intention.

Second, I wanted the truth.

As I said, I got the truth now and I will have to handle it

As I also said, it won't be easy, but I will do it.

What is so wrong about wanting your bf to think that you are the hottest thing out there?

Why should I accept the fact that he is able to dissect woman's body and compare it part by part?

It may be acceptable for some people, but not for me.

This is why I have decided to leave, and if you read all my posts, you will see that one of my main points is that I would feel the same even if he didn't say anything but I knew how he feels.

I never wanted him to lie to me. Never.

If I don't like what he has to offer, I can leave. As simple as that.

What I don't like is how he feels and what he thinks, not the fact that he is unable to lie.

I don't know how you got the impression that I would prefer him to lie, but to clarify that: I would never want him to lie. If I can accept the truth, fine, if not, it means that we are not good enough for each other. It does not mean that he should start to lie, just because I don't like the truth.

I have never met you and I bet your're MUCH hotter than his skanky ex

Maybe that's 'cause you've never met me

Just kidding…

I saw a photo of her just now and you'd be surprised… She's not really hot!

But who am I to decide? For him she's a goddess. Plus, I'm just a jealous gf – so my opinion doesn't count.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, isn't it?

But it still makes me fill a bit better

 

Any ideas how to tell him and (more important) how to survive all this?

 

P.S. He just call me to tell me that he always thought that I was much hotter, it's just that she has those 'parts' that are better.

Again: WHAT???

Basnik..this guy is living in the past. For him to even JOKINGLY say those things to you..was truly classless. While I do NOT blame you at all for feeling hurt..you DID ask. I have heard the truth is often spoken in jest....and in this case I think it is true.

 

I am not sure if you're really competeing with the "memory" of his ex ...or just HIS memory of his ex...but either way it's obviously causing you a LOT of discomfort.

 

How do you plan on breaking up with him ..if you do?? Are you going to say it was because of his remark??

That's a good question.

Maybe I just play cool and say it's because his d*** is not as big and hard as my ex's

Seriously, I have no idea.

When I pick up the courage, I will tell him the real reason, I suppose.

Now, I'm trying to prepare myself for what comes after.

I will be devastated and there will be no one there to hug me and make me feel better…

well you said you are told you are Hot. So it doesnt seem an attraction problem is in your stars.

 

I think you need to ask yourself first..why did you ask that question...were you feeling threatend by a memory of his? Did you want to be the one to replace that other woman?? Something other than you just said it sparked you to ask it.

 

ANd now that he answered and you know...Is it really that bad now that you know?????????????

I knew he found her extremely attractive.

So, I suppose, I felt some vague jealousy and was hoping I'm more attractive to him.

And I can't stress this enough: TO HIM. Not to anyone else. The fact that other men do find me attractive (or possibly more attractive than his ex) doesn't help to ease the pain. What counts is what HE thinks.

I guess, I'll have to change this way of thinking …

And now that he answered and I know… It is really that bad… ](*,)

And it is said that honesty is the best policy ????

 

I guess it is true...be careful of what you ask for...

Well, I think it still is.

I wanted the truth, I got th

e truth.

Now, I just have to deal with it

Seriously, I prefer it this way.

We are obviously not compatible enough, it would be even worse if we found that in a few years time, after a few kids and a few affairs.

I know it's going to hurt, but I still believe it is better this way.

Then again, we've got to give this guy some credit. He was honest in his assessment, brutally honest. I wonder how many people in relationships think what he thinks yet never say anything about it thus keeping the real truth to themselves? But regardless of who keeps the truth, the truth is still there... Curious...

 

But yeah, around here garbage day is Monday morning...and if you hurry...you might be able to make it...

I'm so down today, but you managed it again: I'm laughing!

You can't imagine how grateful for that I am now!

Thanks

 

But really:

If he didn't say that, he would be still thinking that.

I wouldn't know and we would be happy ever after.

Doesn't every man think that some other girl has something better?

 

(Am I defending him again?)

I'm so ready to dump him.

 

It is still going to be a very painful experience

I'm so scared…