syborg

The relationship isn't "intense". Its natural, real, with no sense of false hopes or false promises. There is never a sense of trying to impress each other, or be who we ar not with each other. It feels so natural and true.

She made it clear to me that her problems had NOTHING to do with the relastionship. She made it clear it wasn't me. She confessed that she didn't tell me at 1st cos she didn't want me to get involved cos she feels its her problems for her to deal with.

Feeling uncomfortbale ? Can't use the word Soulmates ?

I'm not sure where you are coming from.

Selfish is the LAST word I was use. You are taking time for yourself, getting over a breakup, keeping busy. Thats wonderful.

When the time is right for a new special person, you wll know when it feels right

In Januray, I met a beautiful filipina girl online and we instantly got on. We established a beautiful friendship, one sooo beautiful that neither of us pushed the b/f g/f relationship cos we want to wait until we meet before that. We chat almost every day, can tell each almost anything, and we both know how we feel about each other, even although neither of us needs to tell each other. Its like we are real soulmates. Its lovely

We were chatting two nights ago on MSN and when we were about to log off for the night, I sensed she had a problem. I asked her what was wrong, and eventually she opend to me what her problem was. I gave her some advice which she thanked me for, but then, she told me she might not be able to chat for a few days cos she wanted to be alone.

The next day, I logged onto MSN to chat to her and she came on to tell me she didn't want to chat, and wanted to be alone. I said I'd give her all the time she needed, but I needed to understand how she was feeling. She told me her problem had nothing to do with me and her, and everntually, after a bit of persuision, she sent me an e-mail detailing what was wrong, and she told me shw would e-mail me when she was ready to talk.

The problem is, I can't help taking this personally wheh she sais she needs time out for a while. The problems she describes have nothing to do with me and her, and while I am happy to give her time to think, I just don't understand why this problem requires her to AVOID me for any length of time.

We are not (yet) b/f and g/f, we do not owe each other anything, I completely sympathise with her situation and WANT TO HELP HER, but I can't understand why she wants a complete "no chat" "no phone calls" situation between us. I mean, we all have problems in life, but the only time i ever want to put distance between me and a friend / g/f is if I have a problem WITH that person.

I feel so paranoid, feel like she is shutting me out, One minute we were joking and laughin, and SUDDENLY she was like, "can't chat for a few days, need to get my head together"

I'm trying to be rational about this but all I can do is wait and wait and wait till she e-mails me. How long will this be ? This is killing me.

The problem isn't really with your behaviour, but the way your husband PERCIEVES it.

There are also two points to note here .

(1) Men are PURSUERS and will always look for signs or signals from a lady, even if there aren't any. MANY MEN INTERPRET HUGS AND SMILES FROM A LADY AS A SIGNAL even althought her intetions are friendly only.

(2)Your husband is obviously aware of this and perhaps has some insecurities or experience from his past that make him jealous.

My ex used to flirt with guys both online and offline. I HATED it, not because it made me jealous but because of her SHEER HYPOCRICY. If i so much as looked at another girl, she would go off the rails. Her excuse was "Men always see girls as somebody to screw but girls don't look at guys in that way". This "one sided" attitude of hers is similar to what your husband thinks, he's not worried about how YOU feel about these men, but more like he is worried about how these men will feel about YOU. Get what I mean ?

Thats GOOD cos you quit for your OWN reasons. I was like your b/f with my g/f, i NEVER nagged her, NEVER told her to stop, all I ever said to her was "if you stop I want it to be for your own reasons and not just to please me"

It didn't work tho cos she stopped to try and impress me, but I hurt her one day so what did she do, light a cig on webcam so I would see. Her best mate then told me that she had been smoking anyway regualrly and showed me YM chat archives to prove it. That was the final straw for me smoking AND lying to me. She denied it of cours but she lied so much she began to believe her own fantasy. She was the one who threw away a liftime with me and she did NOTHING to help things.

Seek another form of Therapy.

What do you suggest ????

I have a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR problem with anybody I love who smokes. I have had two failed relationships, the second one LARGLY because she was a smoker. Even although she quit for me, I couldn't get it out my head that her lungs would be tar infested and diseased and she might get cancer in later life.

I have lived with this all my life. I am terrified to have children for fear of them smoking. Seeing a loved one smoke causes this deep psychological gut wrenching fear and pain that never goes away, its horrible, Me and my ex have been apart now for over a year, and the thought of her lighitng up still hurts.

I tried Hypnotheraphy to cure this but it didn't work.

It scares me that I am like this

Nobody seems to understand

I don't know what to do.

Twice in two weeks isn't swamping anybody, its perfectly acceptable and you are right, you ARE thinking of him a lot, a lot more then he realises but thats ok.

If you want to go down the "wait and see if he contacts me" route then that is an option, but you need to decide how long to give him. a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks ?

Letting him go is a good idea. That way you will NOT be disappointed at all.

I live in UK. Had an LDR with girl from Philippines in 2004. Went to see her for 2 weeks in July. Came back, chated on YM almost EVERY day, even got her a visa to visit me in uk...but...it didn't work so I broke her heart for various complex reasons I won't go into.

Now met another Filipina. Will happily do the same again but this time, I'll do it right and NOT break hearts.

I know how you feel, but let me tell you a situation i found myself in a few years ago....

I dated a girl from July to November 1995. It was the relationship from hell (for reasons i won't go into). She dumped me in November and I was gutted.

it took me MONTHS to get over her.

For months, I kept thinking about her, felt depressed, felt awful, yet id only dated her for 4 months it it was an AWFUL relationship, but the worst was yet to come......

In May 1996 I met a girl, we met in a night club, got on well, instant communication.

We went out on Saturday the next day and had a WONDERFUL day, you know that "perfect date" feeling where you get on so well, and everyting is great and lovely. went for lunch, went to see a movie, went for dinner

BUT

at the end of our perfect day, as we were driving home....

I caught sight of my ex leaving a bar, just a GLIMPSE

What happened was then horrible

All the lovely feelings I had built up inside me that day just.....collapsed

it was like glimpsing my ex for a split second just gave me this surge of emotion that ruined EVERYTHING that i had felt that day for this new girl.

It was horrible, We still dated and the relationship lasted 7 years, but later that year, I met my ex in the summer and spoke to her and realiesd THEN that I was over her almost a YEAR since we had being going out.

Glancing at her that day made things worse for me in terms of my new girlfriend and who knows, if I hadn't glanced at her that day, I may be happily married now.

The point of the story ? make sure you are 100% over somebody before meeting anybody else.

Your reaction is normal and the old "voicmal" when you expected to speak just rubs salt in the wound.

I WOULD call again, but don't keep leaving messges. Call him and if you get voicmail just hang up.

I feel like this all the time so its normal.

Sooner or later he will speak to you.

I see your point, but my "signature" best applies when there is a do nothing or take action scenario.

In your case, you have to decide what action to take and ANY action you take could lead to good things and or bad things depending on how you deal with it. If you are asking "do i go with girl A ?" and that was the only option then my "signature" would suggest "YES". However, Girl B changes the situation because it is not a case of "Girl A or NOTHING", see what I mean ?

Girls arn't eggs they are human beings with feelings and emotions.

NO girl should EVER be an insurance policy for another.

You CHOSE to meet girl B which means you must let girl A go. Its a HORRIBLE situation, one I have found myself in before and I understand exactly how you feel. I was tortured for months a while back - do I stick with my g/f and try and sort out our problems, or do I go with the new girl I met.

The best advice I can give you is to NEVER EVER EVER have two girls on the go at once where each one is an "insurance policy" if one goes on. If you go down that route, you will end up lying, cheating and becoming somthing you are not. I HAVE been there myself and its NOT fun.

Tell Girl A you wont be able to meet her and enjoy yourself with Girl B. If care for ANY of them then you will do what is honourable and make your choice.

A or B

In my position, I would choose B cos she makes you happy at the moment.

Fear of rejection is worse than simply not knowing, BUT knowing the TRUTH outweighs the fear of rejection any day. You just have to go through that "rejection fear" to get to the truth sometimes.

Let us know how it goes. We are all supporting you. Just be strong

Don't PLAN the conversation, just let it flow natuarlly. If you plan what to say, you will get stage fright and sound confused and flustered.

Just call him

The conversation will flow naturally.

Its over mate. Sorry, but thats the way it is. My words seem blunt and harsh but we have all been there and all experienced it.

You must let go of any thoughts of her coming back. You must let go of any false hoped. To dwell on them will make "letting go" even harder.

All you can do is let time heal you. Its an old cliche but its the truth. You will feel gutted today, tomorrow, next week, but it WILL pass if you let it pass.

Be THANKFULL she was honest. be GRATEFULL she told u the truth and din't keep you hanging for ages. Look at the POSITVIVES from this relationship and learn from them and soon you will think of this time as a valuable expericnce. She will aslo feel the same so you don't need to feel bitter and angry.

Personally, I would define a Long Distance Relationship as :

"Any relationship where distance or geographical location prevented or hindered or reduced personal contact that would otherwise exist."

Hmm

From what you are saying it doesn't sound good. For this girl to tell you she loves you to then suddenly go "leave me alone" certainly seems like a red flag to me.

Yes, she may need space, Yes she may need some time to herself but the point is, if she still loved you, she would tell you that nicely and politely.

There seem to be femails on this site who will accuse you of being clingy and demanding, but these are the same ppl who go running off to their best mates when they don't get what they want from relationships. Its not the "wanting space" or "wanting time alone" or "No communication" that hurts, its the REASONS and the WAY they go about it that is the problem that you are facing.

What would I do ?

As much as it would hurt me, In this situation I would wait and NOT call her and let her come running to you. She has been off with you, you aint done nothing wrong so let her make the effort. It will hurt, so over this next week, hang out with ur mates, try and enjoy yourself, watch some movies, do guy stuff and the answers will soon come.

Good luck

 

Any other suggestions as to how I should handle this phone call?

Pick up the receiver with your left hand and dial the number with...........sorry, just kidding. The best advice is decide WHEN you will make the call and stick to it. I know you are scared of the outcome and i know you are scared of rejection but rememebr this, HE is the one loosing out on a loving girl, not you. Call him, be brave, call him. Pick up the phone, dial the number and say "Hello, it's ........ how are you doing ? "

DONT sound angry DONT sound stroppy, in fact, you COULD use reverse pyschology and tell HIM you are sorry you havn't been in touch cos you have been busy working and going out with friends and....you know, DONT make him think you have missed him, know what I mean ? Also, use his OWN excuses against him. Tell him you are calling now cos you won't be able to call for a week cos you will be busy. There is NOTHING that will make a guy run back to a girl than a sense of "loosing control" assuming he is a contoling guy.

USE this phone call to guage his reaction, suss out his intentions etc. you will then know a ALOT of how he feels.

GOOD LUCK

Don't punnish yourelf, CALL him and ASK him how he feels.

Too many ppl use this "I'm too busy" or "I need space" routine"

If he cares at all he will tell you that himself in a nice polite manner, if he doesn't care then at least you know the truth.

People are just as busy whether they are in LDR's or dating the girl next door but being long distance seems to give ppl excuses for no conact, the "i'm too busy" being the classic one. There is an argument that time differences make things harder and that I accept but ppl need to be honest with each other and tell each other how they feel.

Fear of death can be quite scarey. One of my colleagues was killed a few years ago, and although we weren't particualrly close, it gave me this huge sense of paranoia about my own mortality. Quite morbid in a way. If your g/f lives in a dangerous area then of course youa re worried, just in the same way a mother, father or g/f will worry about their loved one going to fight in a war. God bless all the soldiers in Iraq