Well, it is a long story. And i guess im really embarrased and ashamed by it all because of the circumstances and how i acted. i met him as a girl who was just trying to get over the first guy i ever dated, but was not a real boyfriend. he came along, i didnt love him at first, but then i came to. but he started going really fast with me after aprox. 6 months, i was trying to take it slow. he said he wanted to marry me, ..and i guess i believed him, itried to tell him that it was too much and he slowed down. but then over the course of our relationship, red flags started to come up. all of a sudden he would get mad at me for little things. i would be on the phone with him, and i would be in tears when i got off with him. i still cared about him, and he would want to break up with me and i would beg him to come back and for some reason he did. then one day he decides he wants to break up with me and just tells me over the phone, not even in person, i get upset and say i want to speak with him in person, he says no and just dont come over. 3 days later he hooks up with a girl. i go to his house saying that i want to talk to him. he says dont come over , i do anyway. that was a mistake. i go there and she's there and i dont want to start trouble with her. i just want to talk with him. and he tells me " * * * * you". then somehow some month later it dosent work out with them, because she's cheating on him, i am somehow still friends with this person. i want to get back together with him and he somehow says yes. that very night he tells me he wants to spend the night at a hotel with me. at the hotel he ends up wanting to have sex with me. during our previous relationship , he would tell me it wasnt working because he wanted sex and wasnt getting it , amoung other things. i think that if i give him my virginity, he ll stick around. it ends up being a painful experience, and he just cries while i am bleeding and just talks about how * * * *ed up his life is, (not admitting that he misses the other girl) meanwhile ignoring the fact of the pain i am going through. even when i am losing it to him, he tells me i am not 'doing it right'. the next day he says that i need to forget about him, he's messes up in the head. ..etc. but that he would call me because i wanted him too, even though i should not talk to him anymore. and somehow he and this girl get together agian, and when she doesent want him, anymore or he decides that he dosent want her because she's cheating on him, i say i want to go back to him and he takes me. so we are together agian, and during this time, maybe i was not a perfect girlfriend,always insecure, asking if i am pretty or not,,etc. and still left with a grudge from him dating that other girl...he still get;s upset at me , and says horrible things about me, ..over stupid things...like for instance i once told him the only reason he liked one song is because the girl who sang it was hot. he got completely raging mad at me and called me a * * * * *. . he said things like i was worthless.. i wasnt a nice person.. he called me a * * * * once and he was really my 'first guy'. i never cheated on him, or called him names,,,..but i was very insecure, i was jealous of his sister in law because i thought she was flirting with him, i was jealous over girls that liked him, and would talk to him, flirting, and i would tell him that i didnt like it and he said that i was a jealous * * * * *.. yet just the way they were talking with eachother seemed like flirting..( over the bar ..she was a bartender...her making a special drink for him...her leaning over the rail close to him, and him seeming to talk to her leaning towards her..he even saidthat he thought she liked him, and he would talk about her occasionally...i did have my problems, i wanted to know if he really loved me so i did another insane thing my reading his journals...i felt that he really just was a player and wanted to be with other people and that he would flirt with other people and that he would do it in a way that would make it seem like he wasnt. the way he looked at other girls sometimes even. in a lot of ways he was a good boyfriend, when i was living with him, he paid most of the bills, and he would tell me i was pretty alot of times. i guess i just still didnt feel reasurred and with him looking at other girls and what have you ,,how could i have felt pretty? i didnt contribute alot ,and that is my fault..money wise.i didnt make alot of money at my job, ..and i should have paid for more. but it was the first time i had really been out on my own, living with someone. and i do feel completely ashamed of this ..and sad because he was working so hard...and i think i was just making it hard on him. it just got to the point that one day he just said i love you and we had even been intimite with eachother, then on the same day his friend comes over and in front of his friend he tells me i ask him: 'are you trying to break up with me?' he says yes. so i still live there because i have no place to go. and he sleeps in the bedroom while i sleep on the couch.and i guess it makes sense because he pays most of the bills right? i finally move out because i still love him and i cant take it ...not being able to be with him. over the next course of months i try and be friends with him. when i go to see him, i just want to be friends,and he wants other things. so for a long time i become his friends with benifits. then in between those times, when i become too clingy or insecure he does things like hang up on me when i want to talk to him about my feelings and when i want tosee him. he once hung up on me when he was at work. when i called back he said we shouldnt talk anymore. when had just been togther 3 days ago. wheni see him in a club i go to he sees me, dosent even acknowledge my exsistance. i try to confront him and he says that i am not a * * * * but i am a animal with no brain. and i am useless, he dosent care what happens to me and i am evil.
a coulple weeks pass i call him and he hangs up the phone on me. a week later he calls me up. i try to be friends with him, and things seem somewhat cool. then he shows up at my work one day to talk and the cycle continues. excpet that now he dosent want to have sex with me anymore. because apparently, he dosent have interest in me. saying things like 'i dont' deserve your body, i dont want you to hate yourself.' ..i dont think he said those things because he meant them, i think he said them because he found somone else. and the girl that likes him and that he likes already has a boyfriend. when i heard that i just was baffled. because here i was...this girl who was not nessesarily the best girlfriend at all, but i loved him,and tried the best i could to keep him when i was with him. i would have tried anything, but it just was not good enough for him. his friends thoght i was bad because he was 'taking care of me' yet these other girls he had been with him were cheating on him, and yet this girl already has someone but stilll likes him? it didn't make sense to me why i was so bad after that.why would his friends think i was so bad when other girls were doing this to him or were llike that girl?
i tried to be cool with him after that. but i called him up one week because i had seen a picture of her. she was pretty. and i thought she was prettier than me. and it hurt. i asked him things another hurt person maybe would have asked...' is she prettier than me.. do you like her better than me.? i would want to talk about these things and my feelings and he would get upset and say: ' you are just being a * * * * *." you never loved me ...now all you want is for me to say nice things about you because i used to. ..and " people only hang out with you because they feel sorry for you'..' and then he said: " i dont want to talk with you anymore. , you can hang up and keep your dignity or you can hear me say more bad things about you...'..
I guess this is just wear i go crazy i guess..i go over to his house..and i bang on his door crying.. and i keep doing it until he opens up.. and he tells me that if i dont go away that he will call the cops on me. ..then closes the door i keep reapting what i did. and then he says that he will talk to me if i go outside. i say okay. then he tells me that is i dont be quiet and i start talking he's going in. so i say okay ill be quiet, as soon as i do that he goes in the door. (so he lied to me.) so as he closed the door i start to push open the door i get inside and tell him i wont go until he talks to me. he just says he;s gonna call the cops. i try and yank the phone from him. he then calls this girl(what ever status she is to him i dont know) and he tells her what happening. he then tells me that she is 'upset' and she wants to come over to 'kick my * * *', but he told her not to. he then tells me a moment later that she is not coming. he tries tocall the cops agian. and i just starting to (not hurt him) just putting my arms around him(hugging him, hopeing he has some sort of compassion for me) and he just manages to say agian that he will talk to me if i go outside. i say i will if he does talk to me . he says yeah. and then as soon as i go out i say just one word and he goes back inside agian. as far as i know , he's never told this girl that he was my first or anything really about the truth of our relationship..why would she want to do that to another girl he cared about and was with for 3 years, espcially if she hardly knows anything about me? was this the kind of person that he wanted?.. i didnt come over there to hurt him. yet when i was hugging him he informs me that if i touch him, it could be considered 'battery'. he is 6'3.. i am only 5'0. what damage could i do.? and i wouldnt hurt someone i loved and still cared about, i wouldnt physically want to harm anyone, even if i didnt like them..Not Only that... HE WAS WITH ME INTIMITLY JUST 5 DAYS AGO. AND DURING THAT TIME HE NEVER TOLD ME THAT HE LIKED THIS GIRL. ONLY THAT THERE WAS A GIRL WHO LIKED HIM AND SHE HAD A BOYFRIED ALREADY. HOW COULD HE TREAT SOMEONE AS IF THEY WERE NOTHING? I HAD JUST BEEN INTIMITE WITH HIM 5 DAYS AGO. HOW COULD HE TREAT ME LIKE THIS? could someone explain that? i ended up going to a neighboors house and talking to them, some young guys who looked friendly. to calm myself down. since then i have tried toget some counseling but it's hard with out insurance. but i am going to a support group, but it is really hard because i am so ashamed of myself and what i did. i talked to one guy and he told me it sounded like my ex was a 'fixer' and that he had a bad case of it. attracted to drama. and that the reason he was problably attracted to me was because when we met i was a 24 year old virgin and i had emotional instability. and that he was problably attracted to this girl for not all, but some of the same reasons. and that when i did try and do good, wheni tried to get my stuff together, it just seemed like there was another reason to say that i was not trying hard enough,or good enough, or mostly,i heard this the most TOO LATe, your DOING GOOD NOW, BUT IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE IT'S TOO LATE, YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED EARLIER. i tried to keep him, but it just was not good enought. maybe i didnt try enough, i dont know.i know it wasnt easy to be with someonewho has a low self-esteem. i also think he took advantage of that but that is something he wont admit. since then i have felt really bad. like maybe it was all my fault, maybe my ex did what he had to do because he felt like he had no choice. but then my guy friend tells me he was just doing it to be a * * * *. i sometimes think that it is both. i know i have alot of issues. it is just very hard to carry this shame around with me, and this sadness. sometimes i want to callhim up and apologize, but i dont want to hear him call me bad names or be hung up on. or worse yet,,have him not even pick up..i really feel bad..so bad sometimes that ido think about not wanting to be here. like i am worthless, even though i am trying to get my life together. ive told my ex in the past , i was sorry for the things i did., but i could not change them, he would just tell me sometimes that i was not sorry because if i was i would change my behavior. maybe this is true. but it's not all true. every day i carry a shame of knowing i did things wrong and because of that hell never want me agian. it's so bad now. depression wise sometimes, i do think of thoughts of suicide. and its just really random. i do want to go on with my life,,but it's just too damn hard sometimes. i dont have a support system, i have a really messes up family..that accounts alot for the way i am. i dont know what everyone will say to this except that i hope they will give me some objective insight.
