sadcomposer

Hi superdave and everyone. I have been reading a lot of your posts and they have really helped me. I am on day 18 of my BU and now am at day 4 of NC. I take the challenge. Thanks

She called me this morning, she wanted my mailing address so she could send me a letter. I told her I'm meeting with my therapist today, which is close to her place, so I could stop by and pick up the letter in her mail box. She said she would be home. I said if she did not mind seeing me I would knock, take the letter and leave. She said ok. She sounded sad, but I can't tell. I don't know what to expect. I sounded very serious and firm. I will let you know how it goes with the therapist and the letter. Thanks

I decided to meet with a counselor. I have an appointment tomorrow. I will see how that goes before I do anything. Thanks Karvala, I really appreciate your insights.

Should I wait 2 weeks, or tell her now? Thanks

Well here is my plan. I am quitting now. I won't tell her or try to contact her for 2 weeks. Then I will look at my options. My problem is that over time, I might be tempted to smoke up when she does not know about it. You can't have a relationship hiding stuff like that, I would have to tell her. Would she leave me then, or would she support me in my effort to keep on trying. I am pretty confident that I can stop completely, but I can't predict the future. As far as my pride goes, I can swallow it as long as I don't have this cloud over my head, always afraid that she will leave me if I make a mistake.

just read my other thread called "we broke up". It's not just bout weed

It certainly should not be a power struggle, she chose to make it and now we are at an impasse. I have quit now and intend to try for at least 2 weeks. I'm confident I can do it, I smoked so little in the first place. But it does not change the fact that she is trying to control me. If I give in, what will be next?

My brother came to visit last night. We talked quite a bit about my situation. I think I have to face the fact that it's over for good. The only way it could work was if she backed out, and even then she might resent me for it later. If I give in and quit smoking pot, I will end up resenting her. Why does life have to be like that? I can't think of any scenario that would work.

Ok, maybe relapse is too big a word. I guess what I am saying is if my musician friends came to my place to jam, and I took a puff. Would she leave me right there and then? I am quitting for now, but I'm not sure I want to give it up altogether. Only I should decide that.

Yes there are other things. I like to play pool. She is really insecure about me going with my friends to play once in a while. But she was willing to accept it. So we were able to compromise on that, but it does show that she wants to control things because of her insecurity.

Yes, there are other things. I like to play pool. There is a local bar where I have been going to for years. A bit like cheers. I know a lot of people there. I used to go about 2 times a week before I met her when I was single. I would go, have 2 beers, play some pool and go home. I never drink and drive, I have a perfect driving record. In the 8 months we were together, I went maybe 3 times. She did not like it at all. She came with me once and said there were a lot of women there and she was not comfortable with that. So there is an insecurity there. I have always been faithful in all the relationships that I have been in. She knows me very well, my family and my values. Once again, she wanted to control me. She finally agreed that if I went with friends once in a while it was ok. So we did manage to compromise on that. But it still shows how she can be. Thanks

I also believe it's a control issue. But she will never admit that. So I am sticking to no contact. I'm quitting pot as of now, but I am not going to let her know. I just want to do it to prove to myself that I can. If she makes contact, I'll have to see what she has to say, and really make her understand that I feel that she does not accept me as a whole, that it hurts a lot, and that she has a lot of work to do to figure out why she wants to control me like that.

Thanks Shadow, I think you said it right. I wish somebody would make her understand. I am willing to quit, but on my own terms and in my own time. I'm even willing to see a counselor to find strategies on quitting. I'm pretty certain that I can quit on my own without any help, but if I do need help, I will get it. Having her support would certainly be better than having my back against a wall. But to be honest, I snoke so little, I really enjoy it when I'm improvising at the piano, and overall I don't think it's a big deal. It has never taken control of my life. Thanks again

I told her that my door is always open. I asked her to reflect on her decision. She thanked me for all the good times we had. It was all very civil. She knows that I am a NC advocate, so I did not have to say it.

I am at a total loss over this. Now, even if I quit, there would always be a doubt in her mind. If she came back and told me she decided she could tolerate it, I would actually be more motivated to quit. I hate that people (her included probably) think that I'm choosing pot over a woman. It's not true, I refuse to be given ultimatums. How can I make her understand that? I am keeping no contact for now. I hope that with time she will miss me enough to want to talk and try and work things out. But it must come from her. She told me that she never loved anyone so much before. She was married twice. But I am so sad, I can't concentrate. Geez, she makes me feel like a criminal. How could she take 8 months to say this. Why did she start going out with me in the first place. I told her everything right from the first week and told her if she wanted to back out, then was the time to do it.:sad:

Sorry, but I was willing not to smoke in her presense. I smoke less than a gram a week. I would not call that chronic. I don't smoke everyday.I can undertand where you are coming from, but she still gave me an ultimatum. I was willing to compromise and she would not. I think I am being reasonable. I'm even willing to try and quit, would she leave me as soon as I had a relapse? What I need is support, not ultimatums. If that is not good enough for her, it's sad, but it's over. Thanks

Exactly,what will be next? I think there is somethng deeper. I even asked if we could meet with a counselor to try and find a compromise. She disagreed and said she would not change her mind. She just does not want to be with someone who smokes. NC bigtime for me now. I will try and quit, but for myself, to see if I can. Not for her or to get her back. She must learn to compromise. You can't base a relationship on ultimatums. Thanks

Thanks Rosie. She says that it's illegal, is an addiction and that it scares her. She thought I was funny when I smoked and she said that we actually had some very deep and interesting conversations. That's why I have a hard time understanding why she is so rigid in her thinking now.

I think I could quit. I'm going to stop now, wait a couple of weeks and tell her that I have not smoked in 2 weeks. I will see. But I still think it's not right to try and change me like that.

I'm 41, she's 43. I have one 17 year old daughter, she does ot have any kids. But it's true, if she can't accept it, I have to let her go. I would be wiling to try and quit, but the doubt would always remain with her. I think I might as well get over it. I'm very sad that things did not work out. I really loved her and she loved me. If she had told me something like "If ever you want us to live together, you will have to give that up" or " don't smoke it in front of me" or even some kind of a deadline, I would of really considered it, it's just that overnight it has become completely unacceptable to her, and she gave me an ultimatum. I told her I could try and quit, but that I could not predict the future and make promises that I'm not sure I can hold. Thanks

Hi, I'm a newbie here. I fell in love with this girl 8 months ago. I am a musician and I like to smoke pot once in a while. I smoke about 1 gram a week. I have a good job, own my house, pay my bills, never do anything stupid whn I smoke. I told her all of this from the beginning. Now she told me that she thought she was falling in love even more with me, but that she could not see herself with a man that smokes pot. I told her that I was willing to try and quit but that I could not make promises and that I did not think it was a big deal. She would not budge, at all. She told me to leave and only call her once I have quit. I think I would be able to quit, but I think that it's not right to impose your will on somebdy like that, to give ultimatums in a relationship. There has to be room for compromise. So I'm really sad. I hope she will miss me enough to reconsider. Just ranting but any advice or support would certainly be appreciated. Composer:sad:

Thanks Wimpy, you wrote:

"A year on the only thing that has kept me sane is knowing that I at least dealt with him in a compassionate, honest, decent and loving way. How he ended things nearly destroyed me but over time I've got back my life and I now know that I am way better off without him."

I feel the same way. I gave it my best shot and it's her loss. I've been doing much better the last few days. I think I'm almost ready to bump into her and not care. I'll try and be civil, but that's it. No small talk or whatever. I really would prefer never seeing her again, but I have no choice. I can live with that now, it will only make me stronger. Thanks again.

Thanks jman, I'm going to keep NC for now and I won't rush to meet her "accidently". I see the store from my house and when her car is there I don't go. I want to get to the point that I won't even think of looking for her car, and just go. Not to care anymore is my goal, but I have a feeling I'm not done for a while yet. It really pisses me off that she just goes around the village with no care in the world. Well, I don't really know that, but it seems that she is still with her new guy, so obviously she is not thinking of me. I'm just sick and tired of this sadness and anger.

Well I've had the weekend to think it over and I'm sticking with NC. I'm pretty sure that she is still with her new guy, so what's the point of contacting her? I just have a difficult time with her being around the corner. If I do bump into her (and it will happen) I'm still not sure how to handle it. Do I put on a teasing smile or just ignore her. In one way I want to look like I could not care less, but in another I am still so full of anger that I don't even want to acknowledge her. What do all of you think? Thanks ahead of time

Yeah, I responded by email with anger about her doing this after having encouraged me to buy this house. After that I went NC. Only a few emails here and there to exchange keys, belongings etc... So about 5 months NC now. The worst is that I still love her, still think we had a good thing going. I have to leave for the weekend now. Thanks everyone, I'll be back on monday.