Big Jim

Thanks guys,

yeah i agree competely with you guys. It is just a cycle and only now have realized "we will never have a chance getting back, or me moving on" in this situation. Why the hell wouuld she get back with me? She is so comfortalbe in this mess, she has me whenever she wants/needs, and i m allowing this by sticking around. Shes so miserablae and down that she is probably loving where she is right now, she is free and single, but pretty much in a relationship with me still when she wants that. This is not on purpose, but if i were her i would not be taking any steps in getting me back, cause i show her all the time im not going anywhere.

I need to get far away from her, she broke up with me, ive been dealing with it since nov, she has not at all. I should have listened to you guys a long time ago, but i am stubbron. Thanks again

Thats what i was trying to say, not that im using it to get her back, or any of that, but that by stopping trying so hard and fighting for nothing, i have gained back a great feeling of control.

I may very well think back in a month or two, man i never realized but i could not stand this or that about her. What im trying to say is it gives objectivity to a very subjective issue.

Trust me , i am very past the "i cant live without her, shes the only one for me, shes the best thing that will ever happen".

As i told her "i can easily live without you, just would rather not, you add so much to my life".

I am for the first time in the last 5 months really going NC. I have said it before, but i was always just pissed off and talking big, i realize this now. I knew i was only half heartedly NC since i knew i would see her during the week in class. Now school is out and i feel different. I have tried everything over 5 months, talking it to death, not talking about it at all, playing it cool, being intense, being her support and best friend, being elusive and not avaliable, spoiling her, acting like she doesnt exist, all of it has been done. Here is the most important thing you will read in this post... None of it works.

Yes, I got big results, she would freak out, wonder why i pulled back, call me like mad for a week. Or when i spoiled her, she would tell me how good i am to her, and be very clingly and close. When i was her support, i would get 2am phone calls with her problems, listen attentively, give advice, put a smile on her face and have her tell me i am so good to her, she loves me, im the best thing in her life. When we talked sometimes i pushed her away, sometimes she opened up and was closer then before. I won all the small battles, however that never changed the outcome of the war, we were broken up.

For those new to the site and are looking for answers, please listen to this, for gods sake cut your ex off immediately. I was skeptical of NC too, felt she would forget me etc. But no scheme you have is going to get her back.

I cant explain this feeling i have today, i did not tell her we are not talking anymore, just walked away when she was bit$@ing at me (for no real reason), this feeling is no longer one of helplessness.

Its funny the more games you play, schemes you think up, plans you follow, the more helpless you feel, you feel totally out of control, because in reality you are, you cant change his/her mind. You put so much effort, think it to death, go crazy about it, and what do you get? NOTHING. However, once you "give up", you feel so good, you feel there is nothing i can do at all (truth is, there isnt). It is so calming, its outta my hands. Think about it, what feels worse, doing nothing and getting no result, OR doing everything you can and getting the exact same result.

Truth is i only came to this realization after doing everything everyone advises against. That is just me, im a fighter, i am stubborn, had to give it "a shot". My mind is at ease now, completely. I did everything i could, gave it my all. But if you are strong enough do it right away, it will be better trust me, i had 5 months of absolute hell.

In case you are thinking, yeah my situation is different, he prob had five months of him beggin to even talk to her. Think again. The last 5 months were what most people on this site would kill for, her calling me everyday, going out together on weekends, going sking together, hanging out all the time, her telling me she loves me all the time, her being the one ( 90%) contacting me, wanting to see me. Her calling in the middle of the night, just missing me. Her always telling me how we are not just friends, we are specail, just working on it, we dont consider ourselves single. She still sees me as her boyfriend. When she thinks of the future, its me she sees. We should move out together etc. Us being physical once( if i had wanted to, could have been all the time). I had it as good as it gets but even then it is not what any of us want. We want it all. We want to be back with them.

Trust me, i had it great for the majority of the 5 months, but it still wasnt what my heart wanted, i wanted her, no ifs and buts. But it will never happen like this, this i know. She has her cake and is eating it too. Think about it, if i was in her shoes, why would i be prompted to make a descision, to realize what i lost, when i still have everything i want. This is not a consicous descision on her part (i hope not), she simply feels no need to change anything. Is she a bad person, no, does it look like she is stringing me on? yes to anyone but her, but truth is, it is only cause i let her and have not pushed her to make any choices. Of course she is not going to make any big desicisions, she is in a very comfortable spot. She hasnt "lost" anything. I finally realized this tonight.

I finally have my self respect back and am standing tall and letting go of it all. Dont think i dont want her back, nothing like that has changed i love her with all my heart still, i only know it will never happen in this situation. But i have the strangest feeling that she will realize her mistake and want me back down the road (she is messed up right now, life is a mess, didnt break up simply cause "we dont work"). Am i clingin to that hope, maybe, but i am also moving on, i went out with a girl tonight for example , had a good time. She will always have a place in my heart, i will always love her, but weather in the long run she has my whole heart or just a part of it, only time will tell. Go NC from the get go....

i agree with trident completely

Sometimes the best thing is to let go and stop trying to control everything. In a previous relationship, a girl was somewhat stringing me along, was acting distant etc. It ended but she wanted to stay in touch, she told me. I called, she called, then she said ill call you on such a day. Never did. I didnt call wondering why, didnt try anything, just said forget it. Well 2 and a half month later she calls to meet up and told me how much she missed me etc, wanted to get back etc. Sometimes the only way not to give up , is to completely give up.

That is what i am doing in my current situation, the hot and cold from my ex was killing me, so im letting go, i would kill to be back with her, but realized what exactly am i holding onto? her snaping at me one day and in love with me the next, her being lukewarm to me? her only really wanting to see me when she is down and miserable? I am not holding onto anything, truth is i lost her when she broke up with me, and this is all meaningless in a way. So im letting go and feel so much better, its out of my hands now.

Of course a lot has happened since i last posted.

After her drunk phone call and her email apoligizing, i got 5 calls the next day. She was beggin me to answer so i called the next day. She has stayed home and was about as down as she ever has been. I talked with her for 45 min and later that ngiht got a text saying "thank u so much for today i miss you so much". Well the next day i ran into her at school, she wanted to drive me home, (ie talk), so i said yes. All i heard was "i love you, miss u, dont want school to end, want us back, miss everything about you etc". We got dinner and had a great time. She called me that night wanitng to hang out but i was busy. This went on for the rest of the week like this, calling me, wanting to see me. Finally on sat i started bringing stuff up, is anything resovled? is that other guy still calling you etc?. Well she freaked, said she cant deal with this right now, etc etc. We stopped talking...AGAIN. The following thursday she called shcool related stuff. Got talking and met up for a bit.

She started crying telling me she cant do this on off stuff anymore, i agreed. Then she started opening up about things i had never heard. How throughout all her teenage years, whenever things were going good in any area of her life, she has freaked out and deliberately messed it up (school, work, friends, previous relationship etc). She is really messed up, and i do believe her when she says she wants to be with me but will just not allow herslef to because she is scared, of what is not really clear. I really dont know what to do anymore..

Dont put too much stock in the whole smothering thing. Its all perspective. I have always been independent and like doing things on my own, but my ex was really clingy. When things were great between us (until the last little while) she would call me like 3 times when i was out with the guys, and constantly during the day etc. Not to check up on me, but just get a moment away from her girlfriends or whatever she was doing to say hi, etc. It was kinda cute, you really feel wanted. Well after about 2 years i got the same way with her. If i was at work id text her, shed call me any chance she got, we were always like " i dont see you enough". BUT, when she started changing her mind about things, all of this was "sufficating" and i was accused of not giving her space. Ironic because every weekend i was like you shold see what the ladies are doing, "no i really just want to see you tongiht", also i was the one with a job and played sports, she didnt do too much. Its all subjective. If you are really happy with the relationship, this is never an issue, its just being "in to eachother". As soon as things get sour, people resent the other for taking up too much of their time, its stupid to be resented simply because your other doesnt have their own life.

You guys are giving him too hard a time. The guy just has a broken heart and is taking it really hard. So I am, I have a couple drinks and talk about it with my best mate (who surprisinlgy hasnt shot me yet), but it makes me feel a hell of a lot better. Mark here, well this is his outlet. I would bet he doenst really talk to anyone else about this. Hey man, if you feel better venting every detail that happens i say go for it. Your posts are coming less frequent with more time in between, shows this is helping you. As for the email thing, im gulity of that too, not that huge of a deal, i know my ex checks mine, ive been signed out randomly before, and would bet majority would once in a while if they could.

I say if this repeated posting helps you man, go for it, you are not crazy or need help, just hurting bad, im there too. Sometimes just bic#%ing about it till you are sick of talking about it helps so much. Hang in there man

I really dont know how i would take that email. That thing about slience and descisions kinda is throwing me off. sry

Well nc was broken not on purpose.

Friday night i was out and around 1130 my cell is ringing. I didnt know the # so answered it. It was her of course. She was at the bar drunk and saw my friends there and was wondering if i wsa there too. When i said no, she was like ok. Then she started to bring up all sorts of stuff, i cant believe you did this etc. She eventually hung up on me. She called again later i didnt answer. Got an email the next day apoligizing for it, said she was very drunk. The email was so formal. No idea what this girl is thinking.

So there was only one guy she dated? what about yourself, i thought you were still seeing a girl, were you not? perhaps i missed a post

Man, shes acting like a late teen, early twenties girl, guess she has never really grown up or found out who she is exactly. Shes 29 now, there is a chance shes not going to for a long time. She has to grow up. She is into the "bad boy" right now, loves that idea. You are her prince charming, she loves that idea too. She is just mixed up bad, i wouldnt hang around for her.

Quick questions for you scruffism.

1 What was her reason for ending it? ive read your posts just forget

2 does it still bother you that right after you guys broke up she was with that other guy, how long were they together? did she date anyone else during this time?

3 From your posts its hard to get an idea of time, i know you broke up early fall, but what was teh longest streak of absolute NC?

Did either of you two date anyone during this time, and are you both single now???

I have to somewhat disagree with some of the statements. I know numerous cases where the "explorer" left and a couple years down the road came back. My bros friend broke up with this girl, 3 yrs they went out, he simply ended it because he was about 20 wanting to experince life, find himself , all that. Well hes 24 now, and my bro told me, he still regrets that, and would take her back in a sec, only problem is she has moved on completely (she was devastated when they broke up). Also, my ex is a perfect example, she dated her "first love" in high school, he was a little older, broke up with her when he hit university, same reasons as the above. No one thought he would ever show up again, he appeared to be having hte time of his life, dating numerous girls, travelling all over, partying. Well, she moved on, we dated, and about a year into our relationship, guess who was back, begging and still is. At that age people are so unpredictable and flakly its impossible to know what they are really thinking.

But looking back, if i had been dating someone seriously when i was 17, the same thing would have happened to me, i just didnt know who i was, and would have broke her heart. Would i have regretted it? who knows. But the real kicker here is, my x is now doing it to me, im 2.5 years older than her, and shes lost in life etc, and broke my heart in two. I know i want to be with her, but she doesnt know what she wants at all anymore. The sad thing is, after she has done her growing up, and dated around etc, found herself, i would bet my life she reaches out to me in the future. But i know i will be long gone by then, her own best friend told me, her life is going to be a big "what if", always looking back. Sad the way it works out, but who knows maybe its all for the best??!

Dont mean to give you false hope, by all means move on. By that i dont mean try to forget her, but be selfish and focus completely on your own life. One day you will realize you have moved on and didnt even try to. Maybe your ex will show up, and you will want another go, or want nothing to do with them. You ever know whats going to happen, only can work with how things are in this moment, right now.

No i completely agree, you dont have to act like a bad boy, or bad * * *, but what a guy cannot be if he is pursueing a girl is a pus#y. But a confident, nice guy, id agree with you and say is still the ideal.

Man, i totally understand where you are coming from. I too was trying to be there whenever needed. My x has some serious issues, shes half crazy (and all women start off half crazy, so just picture how far gone she is jj). No i dont mean to make light of her situatoin but i too was trying to be there for her and got so burned in the end. It got to the point where she would call me at like 7 in the morning because something happened and she was down about everything. I of course dropped everything, missed school, to spend a day with her just listening to her, holding her, talking about everything. I actually did help, cause she would cheer up so much. However it became that whenever she was down i was there and we were so close and we would kiss, and she would say how she has missed me and loves me, and imply she wants to get back together, but then when she was happy she was distant and trying to move on and would get stressed if i mentioned i missed her and would give me a lame "you know i do too" if i said i loved her... I was used so bad. My buddy put it best, if she really missed you that much, she would do something about it, its that simple....Believe me it is not worth the heartache, cut her off

Im with Royltnxile here

Being her best friend is not going to help you get back together. If you go the contact route, go like scurffism, lite brief contact. I dont know about you but when i went to high school there was always the guy (nice guy, decent looking) who tried to be every girl he liked best friend. Lets just say he was always crushed when she would complain why so and so doesnt like her

Haha asexual haha

good job, all the best, take it slow though

Yeah thats what i think too. I read a lot along the lines, we are only human, make mistakes in a lot of these posts, and was just curious

Ive read a lot of posts about a long term relationship ending abruptly, the dumper moving on right away, then a little down the road come back. I guess people call this "grass is greener" sort of deal. My friend's girlfriend of 3.5 years moved to europe for hte term, and has started seening some guy. Yet everyone knows she is not at all over her ex, but they both felt they needed time apart, but odds are they are going to end up together. What is peoples' thoughts on this, as i dont understand it. Do people need to reassure themselves there is nothing else out there and legitimately do this to find things out about themselves? Or is it just a low move of coming back to a safe spot when the other things fail?

whoa sbrew21

slow down a little. You went out, had a great time, looked great,etc. All these things will affect him. Yeah hes playing it cool, doesnt want to lay anything on the line, but i am sure if he has any feelings for you he is doubting things big time. As a guy, whose done what you just did, you got to give it time. Both of you are trying to hold on to pride and prove to eachother, i dont need you. Sounds like you couldnt have asked for it to go better. Dont beat yourself up, your expectations were too high. See what happens

I was getting worried scruffism! I misread your post and thought i take advice from harry potter??? jj

haha too late for that haha

No i had told her that once when she was having a "close" day with me, and asking why i think she is like this. I suggested it, she was receptive. haha did bring it up in a fight once, not pretty. But i doubt she will do anything, looks for quick fixes all the time.

From what ive told you, what do you think of my "anaylsis" of her? lol, i talked to her brother and he said about the same thing

yeah getting much more level, seeing things for what they are, not freaking out waiting by the phone. Getting better