AGrPerson

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Does he just want to lose his virginity, or does he want to share his first time with you because he is in love with you or is falling in love and he wants his first time to be a special experience he shares with someone special?

How do you feel about this? 

Has he confirmed he has purchased and will use condoms? What will the two of you do if the condoms fail and you become pregnant? 

I think he just wants to lose his virginity. I don't think that it's the latter. He has told me though that he looks for a long term relationship. He keeps saying how excited he is for his first time.

He has purchased and will use condoms. I'm afraid about the condom failure too to be honest.

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Based on how you communicated here I would not have intercourse with this person.  You have issues being honest and honest with yourself.  Having intercourse risks pregnancy and STDs and you then lying to yourself that you were "used" and getting some cynical attitude about men.  You're not in a place where you are mature enough and self-honest enough to take on the responsibility of having intercourse with a man you met two weeks ago.

What do you think is the best way to handle this situation? Tell him that I want us to take it slower and try to get to know him first?

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

No you didn't confuse me -you wrote something untrue and for pages now people have responded to your sharing you had intercourse - and you responded multiple times that you did.  That was untrue.  What do you mean you don't know how to respond.  You don't know how to tell the truth? You don't know how to say right up front "he wants to have intercourse in his bed and we haven't had intercourse yet" - and instead write over and over again that you and he had intercourse and now he wants to know if you two are in a relationship? How is this about "not knowing how to respond?" Isn't it about "I lied and now I am pretending I didn't?"

I'm really sorry...

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I feel - had.  I was giving you advice as were others based on you telling everyone you had intercourse already.  And now - makes sense -he wants an encore in his bed.  You wrote you discussed protection in advance.  Something is very wrong here -with you -and your approach to how you interact with people especially people trying to help.

It's really quite simple. You're bored.  You're anxious.  You're not sure you want his penis inside of you and how he's pressuring you because he's desperate to get laid.  Somehow now it's not that he wants sex again but wants it the first time.  Why in the world would you have intercourse in this situation -the problem communicating is you and it's so risky -you're going to have someone's penis inside of you who bores you and you feel pressured? Why?

I'm really sorry if I have confused you. I just don't know how to respond in this kind of situation.

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This is - really odd. You wrote you had sex on the 5th date.  Why did you write that if you did not? You are planning a night to have sex in advance.  You can say "no thanks!"

I said that we got intimate with each other. We didn't have intercourse though. We kissed, cuddled and had some foreplay.

Well, when I suggested it I had in mind that we would just kiss and cuddle. But he mentioned having intercourse too.

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He's excited to have sex for the first time? Or is he excited to share a loving, intimate experience with YOU?

You said yourself you don't know each other very well. So are you fine with having this experience with someone you don't know very well?

He's definitely excited to have sex for the first time. I'm not sure about the other one though.

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well this certainly changes the narrative.

By "intimate" you mean kissing and cuddling?  

 

And some foreplay.

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

Then do not do it.

I'm confused.  Isn't it a positive that you BOTH get to decide about when and under what circumstances you will have sex?

You have had sex before yourself?  

I mean I don't like that he told me to go to his house in order to have sex. 

To be honest we have been intimate with each other but haven't had intercourse yet. He wants us to get together at his house in order to do that. He is excited because it will be his first time, but I don't feel comfortable. I also don't like that it's something that we get to decide, cause it makes me feel like we're planning a sex night. Like we are planning to have a ritual or something.

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

^^How did he respond? 

He hasn't seen my message yet.

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

There is no pattern -it's 13 days. She is uncomfortable because neither of them are planning a real date -just sitting across each other at a table.  She is more comfortable not sitting at a table. He is more comfortable now because at home he has easier access to her naked body.  

That's exactly how I am feeling. I've told him that I think it was too soon to get intimate with each other and that I would like us to get to know each other better first.

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

But you had sex with him thinking it would "bring you closer".  BEFORE you "knew him better". 

Don't you think that's a bit backwards?

As they say, you can't put toothpaste back in the tube. All you can do is either tell him you don't want "sex at his home" dates but rather real actual dates where you two do activities or go to interesting places and have conversations. Or you can conclude he's not right for you. 

Yes you are right about that.

Just now, boltnrun said:

That wasn't my question. My question was, is that how you imagined your ideal relationship?

No it's not. I would prefer to take things slow. Getting to know the other person better first.

Just now, boltnrun said:

Is this how you imagined your ideal relationship to be? That a man would have you over to his home to have sex? No more actual dates?

I didn't think that it would get to a point where we'll only be meeting at his house.

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Do you have a sense of when it’s ok to be more personal with a new friend ? Same thing. 

No I don't. It just happens with time. I feel though with online dating that we tend to pressure things.

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you thought having sex would result in better conversations?

I'm sorry, but I'm trying to figure out your mindset. 

Well, it wasn't planned, it just happened. Not exaclty better conversations, but that it would get us closer emotionally. I'm not so happy that it happened though since I think that things move too fast. He wants me to have a date at his house again in order to have sex. I don't want that though to be honest. He hasn't done something with a girl before that's why he was so desperate for us to get to bed.

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Well ... let's just say that you need to spend time with the person in real life.  What they say is important but you need to be around them enough to see whether they actually live by what they say.

One of the guys in the past month evidently told you a lot of things about your future together before you'd even met.  You had one single date with him and then were "devastated" because he bailed.

This is something that needs to NEVER happen.   

You need to get to know the person before you "give" yourself to them.  

I think that it's impossible for you to have met 3 guys who are a great match for you within the span of 3 weeks.  

You are not holding yourself or the guys to any kind of standard.

And remember - the guy can be a fine person and still not a good match for you, or you for him.  That is normal.   So just because the guy is not a heinous cad doesn't mean you should sign up to be a couple.  

I understand what you mean. So with this guy too getting intimate with him too fast is not a good idea since I might get emotionally attached to him and get heartbroken if in the end he's not the guy he seems to be.

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It did bring you closer. You mentioned when you're home relaxing he's he's very affectionate and very caring and affectionate with regard to intimacy.

I think you're just misdiagnosing the problem that constant chatter is good or desired or something. He's fine with you in person and when you're alone together. 

Are you from different cultures? There are some cultures where incessant small talk is rude and annoying, there are other cultures where it's sort of expected to have "the gift of gab". 

No we're from the same culture. We both haven't been in a relationship before though. So we both are trying to process something new. We've both never been in more than 1-2 dates with someone.

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

What's your take on how you have had a similar trajectory with 3 different guys within the span of less than one month?  Each of these fellows, evidently, was acceptable for the role of "boyfriend" for you even before you knew them at all.

Why is that?

You mean why I keep thinking that a guy I barely know is ideal to be my boyfriend? I haven't had a relationship before so it's difficult for me to understand when is the right time to get official with someone or what are the signs that someone is great to be my boyfriend.

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

I thought that maybe it would bring us closer? I really don't know... It sounds stupid now that I think about it...

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So he's not "boring". You just seem socially awkward and need constant chatter to feel comfortable? That's 2 completely different things. 

I think we are both socially awkward, and yes I'm not gonna lie, I feel anxious because of that.

15 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Is this because you're making out / having sex?  

No, it's because if we don't have something to say we will cuddle, or kiss and there's no anxiety.

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Is this your first experience dating a man for longer than 1-2 dates?  

I ask because there is nothing bad or wrong with being silent together, you don't always have to be talking. 

In fact, I rather enjoy the silent moments together, I sometimes find those moments to be more intimate than endless chatter which can be exhausting! 

Sitting under a tree together at the park, watching the sunset, walking around the city together, sharing an apple pie in the country.

When two people are attracted to each other, just being in each other's presence is enough, again you don't always have to be talking. 

I don't find that "boring" at all when I'm with the right man and he inspires me in other ways. 

That said, if you find the silences awkward or uncomfortable, it may be a sign that's he's simply not the right man for you, I don't know. 

Learn to be comfortable in your own skin and experiencing your own silent moments.

Once you become comfortable in your own silent moments, experiencing those silent moments with your partner becomes less awkward and uncomfortable.

Even sitting in a restaurant together.  Don't sit across from each other, sit next to each other.  If nothing to say,  sit quietly together and observe the room.  Sharing finger foods, listening to the music, whatever.

It doesn't matter, again when highly attracted, simply being in each other's presence is sometimes enough.

It's OK.  

 

 

 

I see. Yes it's the first time I've been to more than 2 days. All this is a first for me. I wouldn't say that I find it boring, but I get anxious that I have to say something in order for the other person to not find me boring.

17 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

OP do you consider yourself to be socially awkward?   How are your friendships?  Do you have close friends with whom you can easily get into discussions about things that are interesting and thought provoking, or funny, or informational?  

I am socially awkward yes. I have 3 friends with which we are pretty close. We can easily discuss about anything. And there's no social awkwardness.

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's not just your problem, it's the two of you together that's the problem. 

Together, you're not a match, that's all. 

It's unclear why you're still even dating him.  

Why are you still dating him?  You had four dates before sex happened, right? 

I asked you before but what happened on those dates?    What do you actually like about him?  What makes him a good match for YOU? 

These are questions to ask yourself as you determine whether you wish to continue dating him, or not. 

He's really sweet, likes hugs, cuddles, will say nice things to me. And it's not that we won't have a conversation with each other, it's that it's awkward at times with long times of silence during which we don't know what to say.

Maybe it's the kind of dates that we go with each other. We usually go for a drink, or coffee. So during the whole date we are sitting across each other and chat.

During at home dates it's completely different, we're both pretty relaxed and comfy, so the whole awkwardness goes away.