Respectfullylogical

My significant other gave my dog a home cooked dog meal that had fish in it. I have a sever anaplatic allergy to fish and shell fish.

I’m my puppy licks me all the time on the face and etc and I hug my puppy we are very affectionate. But my partner knows I have an allergen and I asked that they never feed my dog any fish or shell fish core products and they did it anyways . Idk how to feel about this. My trough swells shut and I die without my epi pen. Help me sort how I should feel cuz I feel like I was being murdered by blantant incompetence 

I want to thank everyone that has replied to this topic it has been helpful to me in a huge way to conclude here . 
move decided to get ride of them even tho I could keep them and store them elsewhere and that would be sufficient to make all parties happy . However upon thought and with the questions you guys had asked me I’ve come to realize that I may have been subconsciously been following a belief because it was just something I thought was a thing you do . I couldn’t seem to answer the this without looping into circles or saying idk 

line of questioning :

Question : why do  I keep these

Answer: they were from his time in jail and the memories

Question : what memories that you want to hold onto or to remember 

Answer: the time he was locked up and writing me  that it was important then 

Question : what is it about him being in jail or his time in jail that is important to you 

Answer: idk they are memories 

Qustion : so with understanding that you hold onto mementos as a way to not forget the moment a way to always have a piece of the moment the will remind you of your memories. Similar to keeping your exes shirt to help you feel close to them for when they are away or overseas etc.    similarly when you go trough a bad break up or experience something tramatic you get ride of any triggers of that even. Sometimes to the point if it’s bad enough your subconscious will block it and suppress it from your consciousness. And if it bad break up you will get ride of everything and everything to not be reminded . And if the event is neither good nor bad and is neutral you just log the memories and don’t tend employ  a insurance policy to ensure you retain the memories nor would you avoid things that remind you of the memories  . With that being said what is it about the memories you deam important enough to want to keep and not forget ?

Answer: nothing 

Qustion : then why keep them and fight to keep ‘em and use time energy and effort to keep them 

Answer because there memories ….

this is where I would loop back to my previous answers . Do I have decided to just throw them thank you everyone this fourum was very helpful 

On 11/15/2023 at 11:16 AM, HeartGoesOn said:

Spot on!   This simply does not add up.

Think it’s the blindly ignoring the action that shows it and believe the words that say it. Most likely it’s that the one makes more sense but the other hurts less to accept 

On 11/15/2023 at 1:12 PM, smackie9 said:

It's 2 years with no reoccurrence of infidelity so he either forgives her, or ends it. 

There was a one . 8 months later with same guy 3 days before his birthday. But it hasn’t happened since then.

1st time cheated  12/24/21

When he found out 12/27/21

2nd time 07/31/22

when he found out 08/03/22

birthday is aug 3

as far as he knows there has not been another act of unfaithfulness since

On 11/13/2023 at 2:57 PM, smackie9 said:

I'm gonna go against the grain here...people cheat for varied reasons...some selfish, some not, some due to mental health issues, some do it as an escape, that dopamine high, attention, loneliness in the relationship, etc. She should have walked, like he should have. He's now being the A-hole because he holds this over her head as a form of punishment. I'm sure he keeps bringing it up in those opportune moments when he's mad at her or depressed. I highly doubt he would ever accept any explanation. he's too far gone. At this point it's about a butt hurt ego. He needs to end his own torture to himself and hers.

He keeps believing her words instead of listing of to what her actions say. He is being naive. He didn’t grasp  that concept he goes to why if someone don’t want to be with you or don’t care etc would they say they do and argue as if they do but act opposite of what they say 

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You look back fondly on the time when an old ex boyfriend was in jail?

Sorry, that is odd to me. 

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Memories of jail?

You don't make sense, so I can understand why your partner is frustrated with you.

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I guess I don't understand why your boyfriend being in jail is a happy memory and something you "like".

It’s not that I look at the him being in jail foundly but the memeries of him writing me 

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In your situation I completely understand why your bf would be extremely concerned about your continued connections to this person.  Does he know all these details -the shared passwords, the porn, the videos - and this person is an ex-con on top of that?

Again to clearify the picture of a sick pick is a different ex not the same one that was in jail . I had it just never deleted it. I was not like trying to hold onto it l. it was there because of my lack of action . Me and my man have a few home videos of xxx content of ourselves for our selves to have not for any others . And definitely not to be put online or shared as porn. Me and my  man know each others logins for emails and Facebook etc. and yes the ex bf is and was a ex con and not a mature man or one of being a provider and 

In short my man :

1. Is the one I share my logins with for email and Facebook etc. and his with me.

2. There is no porn.

3. he is the one the xxx videos are shot with and are for him and me only ‘ IE not to be shared.

In short the ex bf :

1. Is and was an ex con. correct!

45 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Challenging yourself to get clear about your reasons could help you to give your partner a better understanding, too. Or, it could lead you to recognize that you can't even identify any real importance of these things to you, and this could liberate you from something habitual rather than meaningful. That could help your current relationship, too.

That’s  what he certainly thinks he feels there is an ego defense mechanism in play here that’s not allowing me to see the truth . But let’s pretend that’s the case. That I’m minimizing ,rationalizing, reasoning, denying ,etc  how am I able to decipher that if these defense mechanisms work on the subconscious part of your mind . Meaning your your not aware that your lying to yourself ?

On 11/11/2023 at 4:17 PM, Capricorn3 said:

I was going to ask the exact same thing, lol. 

On 11/11/2023 at 3:58 PM, catfeeder said:

What it it about being in jail that is special to you?

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Why?

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

His time in jail meant a lot to him? Well ok. Why does it mean a lot to you? 

Memories / and because I like them 

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Then he financially supports you?

Yes I suppose he does but I do contribute and do half and half of anything until I don’t have money left then yeah he takes care of the gap but he takes care of anything that I’m short of

49 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why?

Memories

On 11/11/2023 at 6:56 PM, Batya33 said:

I think there are a lot of issues here with the living arrangements and your dependence on him financially.  And lots of issues with you keeping nude photos of these kind -that has nothing to do with memories etc.

I wasn’t keeping them it was just on my google photos but they are of another guy I dated for a lil bit but I do have hundreds of photos on my google photos of me and different exs hugging kissing cuddling etc and non of them bothered him and the only one he asked me to do anything about was the 1 *** pick and to delete it . But I mean I have my own job but only pays 200 a week . But we have been together for almost 10 years 

15 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You want a happy relationship with your fiance or not?

 

Easy decision 

Yes and I have agreed to store them else where but I can’t help but feel like it’s still hurting or bothering him . Band he is just holding back because he knows logically that asking me to do anything further is not reasonable. He made a hint that he feels hurt that this guy means ,meant more to me than our relationship or has higher importance than us 

On 11/11/2023 at 7:13 PM, Wiseman2 said:

On 11/11/2023 at 7:13 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Please change all your passwords, stop using his devices, unsync all your accounts, and find safe secure private places and devices to store your data. It would be wise to delete any content you would not want to be shared on the internet or sold on pornhubs. Please be responsible for your data and take all of it off your BFs devices. 

As far as house vs home. Yes his house is your current residence however please don't fool yourself with double talk about "your home", that just means you have a place to stay.

Legally it's his house and he can ask you to leave at any time. As far as physical moments it's fair to ask you to store them at your mother's house. 

I’m not worried about the password stuff and the porn hub etc . I have access to all his things he has access to all mine were rather forth comming in those regards now after years of being together. I also we have done a few xxx videos for our personal usage . I once made a joke about him using it as revenge if we broke up he replied to that with “nah unless you cheat on me so don’t cheat on me . Fast forward to today I cheated on home 2 years ago on Xmas and left him for his ex friend . He had stopped talking to him because he felt  like the guy was a fake friend . Anyways after I left him for his friend and told him I cheated he had over a month worth of time to do such but never did I asked why he never did he said besides the fact he was to preoccupied picking up all the shattered pieces of his heart and life . That he really does love me and couldn’t hurt me intentionally by doing such. But in regards to the store them else where yes I have agreed to that but I’m still searching for deeper understanding about what’s at play here so Imwe can be better in the future

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why?

I will definitely get back to you about why once I first figure out exactly what it is that makes it special these questions are ones I guess I’ve never asked myself in the first place . I instinctively wanna say “idk that it just is “ but will get back to you

On 11/11/2023 at 4:17 PM, Capricorn3 said:

I was going to ask the exact same thing, lol. 

I guess it’s more of that it was a time that meant a lot to him so special to him maybe  let me ponder that. I  don’t think I’ve taken time to try and figure that out ever. Very good question I will reply just want a moment to think on that

On 11/11/2023 at 3:58 PM, catfeeder said:

What it it about being in jail that is special to you?

Nothing special about it but like I would keep anyone’s notes that I got during their time in jail 

On 11/6/2023 at 6:02 AM, Kathryn657xx said:

I think there are some very judgemental opinions on here, but opinions are opinions nonetheless.

I'm not sure there is always a "reason why" someone cheats but if he is still searching for this maybe he is fighting a losing battle. There must also be a reason why he decided to stay with this woman - does she have good qualities? Was this just a blip, a mistake? Maybe she is working hard to build back the relationship but can still not understand her own reasons why let alone justify it to someone else. Human beings make mistakes unfortunately. 

I think couples therapy would definitely help in this instant. 

If he continues to confide in you about an event 2 years ago, he is clearly not 'over it' and perhaps needs a budge in the right direction. It isn't as easy to tell him to leave or that he should've left at the time - he didn't and this implies he wants the relationship to work - which it still can given the right advice and direction and willingness from both parties.

Solids advice and judgmental is correct I felt persecuted just for asking like I was being drilled for holes in my story like yes I just wanted help to help him within the reality of the variables I laid out . Clearly it was best if had left but I need help with what he did moving forward not help what he should have done 

but seriously perfect reply .are you a therapist or something?

On 11/6/2023 at 5:02 AM, Kwothe28 said:

I think its irrelevant why. Cheaters often give themselfs all kind of excuses. How their partner didnt pay attention to themselves, how they got drunk and didnt know what they are doing, how they were eating burgers every day and wanted to try pizza etc. But at the end of the day its just their excuse. So they can justify horrible thing they did and not be a bad guy. Almost nobody of them has basic accountability. To admit they actually did a bad thing. But, if they thought they were doing a bad thing, they wouldnt done it in a first place. That is why they need excuses. 

So again, its really irrelevant. She is a cheater. Him taking her back wont stop her cheating. If anything she would think its OK to do it again since she got out easily first time. Even him looking for an answer(and giving her a year to come with one, ***) is way too extreme. She doesnt have a good answer why she cheated. Because again, its all excuses. In 2 years he could have already be healed and found a new woman who wouldnt cheat. But instead he chose to stay with somebody who already betrayed his trust and where things are so bad that even after 2 years he still looks for an answer why.

I agree fully its a ego and I’d thing we don’t see ourselves as a bad person .and we only do bad things if we can minimize rationalize or justify a otherwise bad action .we don’t go into it thinking I’m a bad person to do this and then do it . No we make it reasonable where we still see ourselves as a good person when doing a bad thing but also I think he was just hoping for her to really be honest with him and herself even and admitt what it was even once you take away all the ego defenses and what it teuelly was which in my opinion is like very rare to see anyone do

On 11/6/2023 at 12:03 AM, MissCanuck said:

He is wrong. 

Dumping her is they key to prevention and closure. He is being foolish (with himself) by staying in this relationship. 

Prevention for her doing it to him again yes for sure but not prevention for any future partners and closure is just knowing the answered to why please refer to the reply to wiseman2

On 11/5/2023 at 8:16 PM, Capricorn3 said:

I'm also wondering why this "friend" would share this with you instead of seeking counseling to help him sort through the issue.  He certainly can never trust her again.

As to why she cheated? Like any other cheater, they enjoy the attention. The thrill. The ego boost.  The list goes on and on. Low morals - shows disrespect to the partner, and zero self-respect. Low values, etc.  Perhaps she's the one who needs therapy more than he does.

Please refer to the reply to wiseman2

On 11/5/2023 at 8:06 PM, shouldhavelearned said:

He should have left her when it happened. 

Worked on himself and moved on. 

 

He knows this but he chose to do the harder thing so moving forward with that as the variable he wants to know what he can do

On 11/5/2023 at 7:42 PM, Wiseman2 said:

How do you know this friend?  Why is he confiding in you about this rather than a therapist, couples counseling ,etc.?

How old is he? How long have they been together? Unfortunately his ideas make no sense. What does he mean by "prevention and closure" and what type of answers is she supposed to come up with for him?

Obviously he hasn't forgiven her or trust her (perhaps rightfully so) and simply wants revenge with this no-win situation he's creating. Try to step away from his personal life and relationship problems. They most likely need professional couples counseling or ending the relationship.  Confiding in you rather than speaking to her directly is quite strange. 

Friend is my step brother we have more of a friends relationship instead of a sibling relationship.

He is a guy so that’s problem why he’s talking to me before therapist.

couples counseling is not an option at the moment because she doesn’t think it’s something they need. 
but to clear the confusion they are not married they have been together 10 years tomorrow 

he is 33 yrs old she is 31

and as you see I cannot not just step away it’s my step brother once removed and my friend best friend honestly but how does he want to make her suffer he is the one suffering not able to move past it and just wanting answers I feel is normal however 

starting at number one is his direct replies because I just forwarded  the questions to him and this is his reply text exactly as follows

1.  Prevention involves awareness of potential risks and threats. For relationships, it means recognizing signs that someone may intend seduction or have hidden motives beyond platonic friendship. 

2. Closure can provide understanding to prevent recurrence. Even after ending a relationship, one may still desire insight into what went wrong and how issues arose. Difficult experiences drive people to analyze what happened to avoid repetition. 

3. Identifying the factors leading to the problem is equally important. Only by understanding the cause can one develop solutions and safeguards. Even without immediate escape, knowing how the pit was reached allows avoidance of similar risks going forward. The lessons learned may protect from falling victim again elsewhere. Fully analyzing situations prepares one to handle future challenges through gained awareness and insight

EXAMPLE :

 So imagine this scenario. You're just going about your normal day, walking the same route you always take. Suddenly, you fall into a deep pit! The walls are steep and it's not easy to climb out. 

The first thing you need to do is get your bearings and figure out exactly where you are. To do that it’s best to figure out where you just were before ending up where you are. Now  Knowin that  the next step is figuring out how you ended up in this pit in the first place. Did the ground collapse beneath you?  Did you not see the pit? Pay close attention to any clues that might reveal what happened. 

Figuring out how you got into the pit is really important. Not only could it potentially help you find a way out,
  (going out the way you came in )but it will prevent you from or at least make you more aware of how not to fall into pits like you just did . You don't want to  escape the pit just to wander into another one do you? 

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

This is a good solution. Simply pack them up and store them safely somewhere else.  Is it his house? Either way,  try to consider that chapter closed so you can move forward. 

Yes it’s his house and he provides I’d be living with a friend or my mom if it wasn’t for him tbh . I don’t make near enough to be paying for an apt on my own let alone a house.

that reminds me he did say something like “I’m not paying to provide a space for other men to live in our home “… btw he refers to house and home as different things a house can be a home but home is not only a house home is any place you build a life and family together so it’s his house but our home and just covering bases here but if we broke up or something it would be just a house to him no longer a home maybe he would say it use to be me and her home but now it’s just my house. Idk if that makes sense

If I missed any one or forgot to answer a ? or reply to someone please let me know