Snowed23

30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did you post on here looking for opinions and advice? Or to be told you're right? Serious question.

Neither and both.  I don't think I was being rude by correcting someone on my name because it is my name.  On my job I prefer to be called by ny name especially when I give it to you.  And in this situation the co-worker knew my name because it was clearly on the Microsoft Teams chat but she chose to still call me dear which I think is inappropriate especially in an office setting and on a team chat.

27 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Um no, what I SAID was , hi my name is … I prefer that. Which is positive and implies no blame . 

How did my reply imply blame?  

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Lol thanks for the instructions.  make a joke of it. Lighthearted with a sandwich approach. Outer bread “thanks again for the information - it’s really helpful.  Sandwich filling:  You know when you call me “angel pie” it reminds me of when my mom used to call me that - right before she told me to do another chore!- so I’m happy to be called “Superstar Barbie” but (your name) works even better!”  Outer bread: thanks so much again -hope your day is going well!

That's a lot of unnecessary words just to tell someone to call you by your name.  In my opinion.  Let me think of something really clever as to not offend them but they, in so many words, offended me by calling me dear.

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Well, saying it isn’t work place appropriate is the same thing as unprofessional. And it was meant to put the person in their place so it  was meant with rudeness in mind. 

So when I said, "My name is  . . . and thanks (for the update)' which is basically what you said I should do. She had to come back with her response as far as being an older woman and that's just how she talks.  Talking is one thing, but typing is something totally different.  Ypou're looking at my name on your screen to type me a message but you chose to say "morning dear".  A simple "ok" from her when I gave her my name would have / should have solved everything.  But she chose to give her reply as to who she is and how she does things.  I assure you she wouldn't address the CEO, CFO, or the COO with dear if she was sending them a message.  So respect only is given to those above you.

Batya33, waiting on your reply as to how I should have handled this.

19 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Hi, my is ….. , I really prefer that. There is no need to say they are being unprofessional,that is an on purpose insult, which is why she said let it go. 

I never said it was unprofessional, I said it was not workplace appropriate.  Was that rude?

And she could just have as easily replied with a simple "ok" than to give her response, "sorry will not with you anymore."  But I guess a woman has to have the last word to put a man in his place.

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -your confrontational rude behavior likely is brushed aside by the recipient -but can quickly become a major thing as far as your ability to work well with others - which your bosses may take notice of that you are deficient in those areas. Only takes a couple of people reporting you for being rude....

Ok, so as I stated earlier, how would you approach it?  Someone is calling you something other than your name.  What would you do or how would you address it?  Doing nothing is not an option.  What would you do?  

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's wrong to approach it as you are as you described -wrong as in rude to the person.  You're correcting in a rude way. My point was use your negative energy and getting all riled up and transfer it to making the changes you would like to see.  You have a lot of anger about what you see as unfair -use that energy to work on making changes in a productive, positive way.  

So, in your opinion, how should I have approached it?  And just overlooking it is not what I'm wanting you to answer.  

22 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I think in the scope of life it is minor. There are massive issues in life to overcome , every run of the mill thing can’t be a hill to die on. 

And minor things can become major things if not addressed while it is a minor thing.

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

No one is saying it is fair.  Everyone is asking do you really want to risk offending people and putting people off for this "offense" as you put it? Here's what I would do -if you feel this strongly channel your energy into volunteering for an organization promoting feminism and or equal treatement of women in the workplace etc.  

Me volunteering to a feminine organization for equal treatment will not correct this woman on calling someone dear or sweetie in an office setting.  Women want equal treatment but balk at being corrected.  Why is that, in your personal opinion.  Equal treatment is fine until it comes to a woman having to do something she either doesn't want to do or something that's typically done by a man.  I'm married and I dare not say to my wife, "you can just as easily take out the trash."  Single women who live alone have to take out their own trash all the time or do they wait on a guy to come by then ask him to do it?  If my wife calls me saying she's had a flat tire and is sitting on the side of the road do I say to her "pull up YouTube on your phone.  There are tons of videos there to show you how to change a tire."  Now I personally know a lot of women who work in repair shops who can tear down a transmission with a paperclip and a bottle of rubbing alcohol, being funny here but I hope you get my point.  We as men should just always overlook what women do and if we don't then we're looked at as the problem.  Tell a woman to just overlook or don't take it too serious when a man walks by and calls you sweetie or puts his hands on the small of your back.  Is it wrong to just want to be called by your name?  

45 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah but, you know, rules for men are different. Also, and I dont know why some people neglect this, you are a woman called "sweetie" by another woman. Context of that is very different as, except in rare cases, there is no pretext of workplace sexual harassment. Because by definition, its not sexual at all. Another woman calling you "sweetie" is not a case for HR. You are maybe "triggered" by it. But your minor inconvinience is not a violation. Its just some older woman calling you "sweetie" by the voice. Lots of them dont really catch names and go by broader terms like that. Not because they want to "trigger" you but because simply, they dont bother to remember your name or just simply dont catch it up.

So why are the rules be different for men than they are for women?  If a man touches a woman in a non sexual way, say he just puts his hand on her shoulder while looking at her computer screen, that could come across as unwanted touching.  But if the situation was reversed he'd look like a putz if he goes to HR.  If a man called a woman dear and she goes to HR about it he will get called into HR and will probably get a nice talking to if not something put into his employee file.  Why should it be different if a female calls a male dear and he does the exact same thing?  I never said it was anything sexual but I just corrected her by saying my name is not dear.  This si someone I haven't exchanged messages with in months however, she clicked on my "name" to send me a message but still chose to type "dear".  

50 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I’d consider it a minor annoyance and not something I’d work myself up over. I’d keep my focus on resolving the issue being discussed without interrupting to address my personal preference. I’d consider that as equally rude to the original offense and not worth the friction.

But how long would you just keep overlooking it before you said anything?  You don't address it now and then 6 months down the road when you finally say something you could be looked at as "well, you've never said anything before."

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn’t be so confrontational and I wouldn’t like it either. Don’t bother correcting unless this is a person you’re going to work with regularly.  At my son’s pediatrician office I’m often addressed as “Mom” by the nurses etc. it’s fine! I’m not their mom. I also don’t need Mrs. (My last name ).  I go with the person’s intent. If the demeanor is pleasant then whatever.  I never use those terms though.

When I met my son’s bus driver a month ago she introduced herself with her first name. I address her if I need to address her as Miss(her first name). I smile and wave and I am pleasant from a safe distance so as not to embarrass my son. If she called me honey or mom I’d be totally fine with it - she’s driving my kid around. Bless her. 
You’re technically right but I’d let it go. It prolongs the convo and comes across as didactic even if you don’t mean to. 
 

I don't see a problem with being called "mom" at your child's pediatrician because that's not really a term of endearment.  That's done more so for your child than it is directly at you.  But was I confrontational?  I just said "my name is  . . . not dear."  We are co-workers and she had to click on my name to send me a message so it's not like she didn't know my name.  

Miss (Bus driver) is totally fine with me as well because that shows respect to your child as to how to address their bus driver.  But if your child's bus driver dropped your child off everyday and waved at you and said "hey sweetie" how long would you let that go on?  I just don't think it's wrong to correct someone on your God given name.  Dear is not on my birth certificate and we don't know each other on a personal or even an intimate level.

57 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

It's annoying, I get it. I don't think it's something you can realistically control though so I wouldn't worry too much or the other. 

I noticed there are certain women that relate to work as though they are mama . I have even had more than one female boss call us working under them " my girls" " kiddos". And they treated us like children she was mammaing lol. It's wildly unprofessional imo but it exists. 

On the contrary, it can be controlled.  If you don't let someone know how they are treating you or talking to you in inappropriate then they will continue to do it.  Those people get pulled over by the cops I promise you they will not call them sweetie or honey.  It'll be year sir or no sir.  Or yes ma'am or no ma'am.  Go to church and I'm sure they do not call their pastor by name.  It's reverend, pastor, priest, rabi, or bishop.  They go to the doctor and I assure they it'll be Dr, this or Dr. that.  Go to court and call the judge by his or her name instead of your honor and see what happens.  Yes, these people have titles but unless you direct someone on how to address you then they will think it's perfectly fine to address you however they want to.  

55 minutes ago, Coily said:

This is making a mountain out of an ant hill.

It's in large part a cultural thing, I can't tell you the number of times I have been called dear, sweetie, or some other polite term for "I don't know your name, but I'm being polite" by women of all ages. It's not a term of endearment it's a polite place holder.  It's stereo-typically from the Southern US, but I have encountered it from Maine to Montana, Georgia to Minnesota. It is usually from women who want to be kind and thoughtful in a disarming manner. Heck, I had a senior VP in a large national Bank call me sweetie, she was from one of the Carolinas, we were discussing access to a secured area of a bank for a project.

Now I personally never use first names in business, just a last name; occasionally Mr/Mrs/Miss if they are more senior to my position. Then again I don't get bothered by just getting called "Hey you" in a host of business settings.

Short of someone calling you "Hey hot stuff" this is just inoffensive placeholder conversation. I'd let it go.

I get what you're saying.  A polite place holder could as well be ma'am or sir.  Sweetie, honey, or dear come across as condescending like I'm more important than you.  If you don't remember someone's name there's nothing wrong with saying, "I'm sorry, what was your name again?"  A male co-worker placing his hands on a female's shoulder could be misconstrued as sexual harassment or unwanted touching.  But why should someone just overlook being called a term of endearment?

53 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I totally get it, but you can only do what you can do, and if they keep doing it you are just going to have to let it go or find a different way to use your skills. You can't control every situation...roll with it. 

 

 

I was just talking to my sister and telling her the situation and I look at it like this.  If you are face to face with someone and they are talking and say these words that's just how they "talk".  Maybe I can overlook that.  But when you type something you choose to type dear, sweetie, or honey.  My brother-in-law is a curser and I just think he's talking so much until he probably doesn't realize he's cursed.  However, I've never gotten a text from him using profamily.  

I am an at home patient services representative for a major medical company and we have Microsoft Teams to communicate with other co-workers.  I deal with patients and doctor's offices all the time.  When I answer the phone I clearly give my name and I ask for the caller's name so I can address them correctly.  You can't imagine the number of times I'm called sweetie, honey, or sugar by patients or even the staff from a doctor's office.  When I hear it I politely give my name again.  Some don't mind getting corrected while others take offense to you for being corrected on my name.  If you work in an office and see regular customers / patients face to face then calling them sweetie or honey may, "may" be fine if they don't object.  But when you call another business there needs to be some level of phone etiquette, in my mind. 

Case in point, one woman (patient) I was speaking with kept calling me sweetie and honey during the call and when I corrected her on it she apologized and said, "I'm sorry, I call my kids those names."  When did I, the person you are on the phone with conducting business, all of a sudden become one of your kids?  

Another case.  A woman (patient) kept calling me sweetie or something and then when I corrected her on my name this was her reply.  "Oh, I'm sorry.  Can I call you ***?"  

This morning I had this interaction with a co-worker, again a co-worker who I haven't spoken to since March of this year.  

A little more than a month ago my siblings and I had a big cookout for my parents.  Their 63 or so wedding anniversary was coming up.  Dad was turning 86 in Aug and Mom will be turning 80 in Sept.  So we have one big gathering and invites a ton of family and friends and a lot of people from our old neighborhood who are still living and around their age.  Ok, last week or so my sister sends out a text to say that she wants to have another smaller cookout for mom this month since she is turning 80.  Again, we just had the big shin-dig last month for her.  But this time it was just going to be immediate family and a few close friends.  We were told to just bring whatever we wanted to throw on the grill. Ok, this week my sister starts sending out a menu of what she wants everyone to bring.  She told me to bring some turkey burgers.  Wait a minute, I don't eat turkey burgers so why am I bringing them?  I was going to make me and my wife a few burgers and maybe take a steak or two for us.  If my memory serves me correctly my 40 year old some odd nephew and my brother in law are the only ones who eat turkey burgers.  So has this changed from a BYOM (bring your own meat) affair to there being an actual menu and everyone is bringing something for everyone else?  The cookout is tomorrow and she just told me what to bring today.  I don't know who all she has invited so how many turkey burgers do I buy/bring?  Right now I know of just my nephew and his dad.  What if I only bring 6 burgers and 8 people want one?  But then again, if I bring enough for 10 or 12 people and they are the only two to eat them I would feel that's a waste of my money OR I'm just buying meat for them afterwards.  Stocking their fridge so to speak.  

I guess my thing is this.  If you're having a cookout and you don't eat beef or you have dietary restrictions would it be customary that you bring your own food to put on the grill?  I have a niece who is vegan, would it be wrong to ask her to bring hotdogs or burgers?  

Am I wrong to question why I'm bringing something I don't even eat?  No, this isn't a situation of "try them,, you might like them."  I'm not going to try them because I want a beef burger.  And who is bringing the beef burgers?  Chances are it won't be my nephew or brother in law . . . since they don't eat them.

You feel me?

6 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

You can mount a tv in your bedroom wall. 

2 days a week is not bad. At least you will be child-free and can focus. However I'm not sure if you can focus with the tv on while working remotely.

 

The TV in the bedroom is already mounted on the wall but where it's mounted the desk is right next to it and the TV is technically behind the desk where I'd be sitting.  We can't really rearrange the furniture.  Not many options as far as that.  

My husband has posed this option and I wanted to get your take on it. 

Option 1:  Since I work from the kitchen and he works from the bedroom he suggested we switch places.  I move to the bedroom and he moves to the kitchen.  In the bedroom I can shut the door.  The only problem with that is that I can't watch TV.  We do have a TV in the bedroom but it's behind where the desk is sitting.  In the kitchen there is a large TV right in front of the kitchen table so I can watch it while working.  I can't do that in the bedroom without having to keep turning around.  

Option 2:  Since my office is now back open and we're going into the building 1 day a week my husband has suggested that instead of going in 1 day a week maybe I could go in other days too if the baby being here is keeping me from working.  Why do I now have to leave my house because of a 2.5 year old?  He says I could go in 1 or 2 more days a week and work there instead of trying to work at home.

What do you guys think of these options?

9 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Instead of answering "because,"  explain why as you've done in your post.  Be clear when you speak to your husband.  "Because" is too vague. 

It would be a relief to be kid-less,  get a break from noise,  have peace and quiet in your house.

Granted, his daughter is off work today and tomorow so the baby isn't here.  And she's normally not here when mom has the day(s) off.

6 minutes ago, Coily said:

I'm confused with this, earlier I thought you said he only has this one biological grandchild. It's rather a huge deal for him, or so I would imagine.

Do you have trust issues with your husband?

He only has 1 biological daughter and this is her daughter we're talking about.  I have two sons from my first marriage and my oldest has 2 kids.  That makes 3.  My husband has a god-daughter he helped raise when her own father was shot and killed when she was about 2 or 3 herself.  She calls him daddy.  SHe has 3 kids of her own and they call my husband granddaddy.  His god-daughter recently got married and her new husband has a daughter which my husband calls his bonus granddaughter so that makes 7.  Of the 7 grandkids only 1 is a boy.  All the others are girls.  Did that clear it up for you.

There have been trust issues in the past but that's behind us now.

1 minute ago, tattoobunnie said:

This sounds tough; sorry; I get this. Toddlers are very hard!!  It's not your job to raise your kids'/stepkids' kids.   But grandpa wants this, and accepts this, an knows if he tells her to go a daycare, his daughter may move away to where dad is to help make ends meet.  And there is really only 2+ years left till she starts Kindergarten.  If I were you, go back to the office full-time if you can, opt for it, and this way, you get your "alone" time.  I can't work from home with the kids; they are constant and they are school aged.

My step MIL said if she lived closer (she's hours and hours away), she would be helping with the kids.  I love her.  I think you are overwhelmed.  So, definitely opt to go back to the office full-time if you can.  

My husband is permanently working from home so unless he changes jobs he'll be working from home.  That's why I think he wants to keep her here so he can have a say so on how she is raised.  I get it.  And he likes to remind me that he got full custody of his own daughter when she was about this baby's age so don't play him like he didn't know what he was doing. Yes, he knows what he's doing.  he buys all her clothes, well, the majority of them.  Twice a year he'll order her a big crop of fall and winter clothes then spring and summer clothes.  He buys all her dresses, shoes, bows, and ribbons for church and she hardly wears the same dress twice.  He even does that with my oldest son's daughter.  He has always wanted girls.  Of the 7 grandkids we have only 1 is a boy.  Now he loves that one grandson to death too because he's the only grandson.  And he's told his daughter / god-daughter that if her and her husband wanted to have one together they would have to have another girl.  

And to your point, I would rather not go back into the office to work if I don't have to.  My husband reminds me often that covid never meant that no one would ever have to go back into an office.  It's just that his company sold / leased out their two large buildings to other companies.  My job hasn't.  They have a big building pretty much just sitting there empty for the most part.  I can't keep an eye on my husband if I'm in the building 15 miles away.  Yeah, I know that's going to come out wrong.  No telling what he's doing here at home while I'm in the building.

14 minutes ago, Coily said:

How is your relationship with your husband's daughter? Is there any tension or resentment between you two?

I'll buck the trend, as I think since the little one is probably getting the best care she can from grandfather. Kindergarten isn't far off, or even pre-k; so why rush her into the child mill of day care? Does the mother get her daughter out to socialize?

The only argument I can fathom is along the lines of is does the child get some socialization outside of your husband and the mother?

I get along great with his daughter so there's no problem there.  And yes, she socializes with her other cousins.  His daughter has other siblings and they all have kids of their own so she is around other kids.  She actually just moved into a new apartment with one of her sisters and she has 2 kids of her own.  Her oldest son was born a week before this baby so they are right there along the same age.  She is a very friendly child. She's really starting to warm up to people.  We take her to church with us on occasion and a year or so ago she wouldn't let anyone other than me or my husband touch her.  Now she's walking up to people and playing with them.  It was cute a few weeks ago.  One of the ushers who really likes the baby was collecting the offering and when she walked by our ow she grabbed the baby by the hand and she walked with her to collect the offering and take it to the finance table.  Yesterday in church she was sitting on my lap and was fist bumping the people on the row in front of us.  She is becoming a very social child but I just think it would benefit her more to be around kids her own age.

1 hour ago, redswim30 said:

Why are you afraid of being honest with your husband. 

You argument is a fairly simple and common one- you have different desires for how much you want to be around family.   

There's no right or wrong answer, but every family is different.  There's some families that like to hang out every night or have dinner together every weekend.  For others, once a month to see parents or grown children is more than enough. 

You need to be honest with your husband.  The question is- why aren't you?   He's right that "because" isn't an answer, but a passive aggressive deflection.  

He's also accurate in saying you just don't want the baby there all the time- you don't. 

That doesn't make you "bad", but since he already knows how you feel, I'm curious why you don't just say " Yes, I don't want the baby here all the time."

Where I think your husband is out of line is to say that you "weren't ready" to be a grandparent.  That's actually unfair and judgmental of him.  Some people really want to be and LOVE being grandparents, that still doesn't necessarily mean that they want a baby in their home all the time.  Not wanting the baby present all the time also does not mean that you don't love her. 

Also, I personally- but this is just MHO (ask 20 people a parenting question and you'll get 20 different answers) think around age 2-3, your child should start to be socialized.  It's been proven that kids learn through play with other children around this age and is actually really important for their development.  Grandpa may not want to let go of her, but he needs to understand that she isn't his little dolly, she is an infant human that needs to be able to learn and grow.  

So, you're both a little in the wrong here. 

Time for an HONEST conversation.  Something along the lines of

"I'd like to have a talk about our granddaughter.  I first want to apologize for not being honest with you about my feelings.  I didn't because I was afraid that you jump to the conclusion that I don't love her.   I love her very much, but I feel that she is here too much, which is not good for us or for her.  I feel we've been very fair, kind, and accommodating in helping your daughter, but now - nearly 3 years later, I feel a change is needed. 

I feel we need to reach a compromise that works for both us.  One in which you can have some time with the grandchild, but also one in which our grandchild can have the opportunity to start learning to socialize which is very important for her development.  Furthermore, while I love our daughter, she also needs to step up in taking more responsibility for her child.  She chose to have this baby.  We are the baby's grandparents, not her parents.  I worry that if we don't ask our daughter to start stepping up now that she will continue to rely heavily on us for years to come and that is not healthy for anyone.  I'm asking to have a conversation together and with your daughter to work on a compromise in which we all feel more comfortable.   We can pick a really nice daycare together.  We should start whittling down to having the baby over 2 days a week (and I suggest one of those being your in office day).  " 

Try that and see how it goes.   Don't let anyone make you feel like you a bad person or "bad grandparent" for not wanting the baby there all the time.  You are being perfectly reasonable.  And after nearly 3 years of helping your daughter with this unexpected bundle of joy, I can't blame you for feeling a bit burnt out.  I personally am a firm believer in - if you choose to have a child, you can absolutely ask for help and support from family and friends, but a line should be drawn about where "helping" ends and " I'm taking full time care of this baby cause their actual parent isn't stepping up" begins.  After all, you didn't agree to be a MOTHER to this baby.   

It's the FIRST grandchild for the family, so everyone is going to be a little "baby sick".  However, it IS actually very important to remember- Kids aren't POSESSIONS.   They are little people.  And people need to socialize with other people besides their families.  Coddling a child as if they are a doll for TOO LONG is actually unhealthy for everyone, especially the child.  Being a good parent and grandparent isn't just about loving the child, it's about doing what is best for THEM, even if it hurts you a little (ie not getting to see them as much).  And the older a child gets, the more and more decisions like that need to be made.  your daughter and your husband both need to learn this important lesson now.   And for yourself, OP- honesty is the best policy. 

 

This isn't the family's first grandchild.  It's his family's first great-grandchild so you know his parents just about give her what she wants.  Yes, it's my husband's first and only biological grandchild but between us we have 7 grandkids.  I have two sons and my oldest has 2 kids of his own.  Of course his biological daughter has this baby and long before I met my husband he has a god-daughter who he calls his daughter since he helped raise her.  She has three kids of her own and recently got married.  Her husband has 1 daugher and he calls that girl his bonus granddaughter.  Yes, my husband is bog on those kids.  He's always going to see his only grandson play football, one of the granddaughter's is in cheer team so he's always there with her.  Again, he's big on family.  I think the reason he feels this way is because he's been there since the birth of this g-baby.  He was actually in the operating room with her when she was born.  He says you hear so much on the news these days about kids being abused or neglected in daycares until he doesn't want to take that chance with his flesh and blood.