lovergal

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, the snark isn't necessary. We're just trying to help.

Good luck.

I think people on this forum must be 50+

I feel like I'm just repeating myself over and over again lol 

Telling an anxious person to not be anxious isn't helpful.

But thank you for all your suggestions.

He hasn't even texted me since this morning so idk what is going on lol but time will tell. And I will just wait and see how it goes.

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I worked far far more than full time for most of the 24 years I dated (until 2005) plus unpredictable hours for about a dozen of those years.  Plus a social life, volunteer work, family obligations. And I made time to meet over 100 men in person typically within a week or less of first contact. Sometimes it was only for an hour or a quick workday lunch.  But the proof is in taking the action to meet -not typing and talking to a stranger.  Had you been out of town, sick, caring for a sick family member, covid exposed or pulling all nighters at work, fine.  Otherwise yes I had a life and IMO if you get so anxiously attached -meet in person ASAP.  

well clearly that didnt work out for you if you had to meet 100 men.... lol 

I couldn't meet up for one weekend. i think you guys are more butthurt than he was. he couldnt make it this week. so hopefully we can meet another time.

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

The problem with weeks of texting and phone calls with no in person meeting is the tendency to get "attached" to words on a screen and a disembodied voice. You know that isn't a real relationship, just something you get used to. And so many times the real life person doesn't measure up to the fantasy that's been created by electronic communication.

I just think it's a shame you're feeling anxious over a guy you haven't even met yet. If you're not having fun, what's the point?

i agree. im an anxious person in general. like i just wanna meet up already but i think that itself is giving me anxiety because i think he's not going to make it. and im usually right

17 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So you declined last week but rescheduled, right? If it’s correct, I guess you did your part. Don’t reach out again. 

How is it that the texting is becoming boring? May I suggest some tips:

1. Do never text a guy when you have nothing to say. 
2. try to make some variations between selfies, voice message, videos, funny memes etc… 3. Don’t reply to a texts immediately. Wait sometimes 2 hours, sometimes 5minutes and sometimes reply immediately. 
4. don’t expect good morning and good night texts when you aren’t in a relationship. 5. keep texts always lighthearted, funny and positive

etc… etc… 

Yes, I tried to reschedule lol

so we text pretty much the same thing every single day.

so he texts me good morning, and then we talk about work and then what we had for dinner and then the next day its repeat

My friends have told me I am a dry texter so maybe it is on me? idk

I noticed when I had a flat tire and more to talk about then we texted more

2 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Thats why you have to tell him to call you again.

Once he calls you again, you tell him "looking forward to talking more to you at the Maze." Then don't text him any more. The mindless texting is killing the tiny flame between you and him.

I feel so weird asking him to call me - I feel like he should be doing that if he wants to lolll

15 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Agree, stop with the mindless texting. I think if he texts you, take awhile to text him back and say "Hey I love talking to you on the phone the other day and I am not really a text person. I prefer hearing your voice."

See if he calls, and if he calls, great. You can just tell him towards the end of the call "I am pretty busy but I can't wait to talk more at the maze." Listen to his response to see if its positive and confirms the date. If its somewhat "not sure" just play it cool and say "Okay, I'll put it in your court to let me know." Then go radio silence, and wait for the maze date. See if he reaches out when time gets close.

Doing this, you won't be emotionally investing so much into someone you are not really sure if they're in to you or not. Believe me, no one is that busy not to schedule or reschedule dates.

 

So I would take naps everyday after work and as a joke i told him to call me after work so I dont fall asleep and he did it once but thats about it lol

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So he should have backed off when you said you were too busy to meet him ?

Even though I said I was busy (which idk why everyone is ringing this over my head. do you guys not have lives???) I still created convo and still made effort. I didn't just end the convo. I also made suggestions on where we should go and other available days that would work.

I think the convos weve had lately are just pretty much the same talk. so maybe hes tired of it idk

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think this^ is fairly common among many people during the precarious early stages.  Even typically secure people. 

It's called "uncertainty" and there's not a person alive who doesn't experience uncertainty on some level from time to time.  Not that I know of anyway.

It's actually one of the early stages of dating.  Read John Gray's many books and articles, he discusses this.

Once you get into actually dating, it eases up a bit but it may still crop up from time to time. 

Anxious attachment, secure attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachnent - I can switch back and forth among all four depending on the stage we're in and how I'm feeling.  So have my partners.

Right now you're feeling uncertain so you're anxious.  It's normal. 

Meet him and see how it goes!  Not everything has to have some sort of label attached, doing so gives it more value than it deserves.

Good luck and have fun!

Yeah I guess so.

I just feel like he's not even want to meet up with me lol

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

That's true. A guy who's interested in meeting doesn't say "I don't plan". Does he want to meet sooner than 2 weeks from now or not at all?  Doesn't "not a planner" mean if/when it's convenient for him and he doesn't have other dates lined up? If you sense he's jerking you around, just step back until he steps up.

 

So last week I asked him what he was doing the weekend of Oct 7th and he's like I don't even know what I'm doing next week and I'm like oh youre not a planner, like you dont plan ahead? and he's like no i go week by week and i plan my weeks every sunday lol

yesterday, there was this new halloween maze that opened up like 2 hours from us and he said he was down to go lol but those are just words

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ sort of explains my earlier question.... tnx.

what was the question?

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So who's plan is this maze thing? If you want to invite him go ahead. If he keeps stalling about meeting you may have to write him off. What exactly does "not a planner" mean? He won't set up dates? 

 

We both agreed mutually to go to the halloween maze. So I asked him last week what he was doing next next weekend (not this weekend coming up - the weekend after) and he said that so far ahead - he plans his weeks out week by week lol

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Could it be you're simply anxious to know if he really likes you even though you don't know whether you like him?  

Everyone gets anxious from time to time, it's natural.  Even when we've never met in person. 

What typically drives that anxiety for some people is an unhealthy need for validation. I say unhealthy because you don't even know whether YOU like him.

Also a fear of rejection so you reject first to avoid the possibility of him rejecting you.

Even though again you've never met, texting is virtually non-existent, there's actually nothing there for you to be attached to.

Or is there?  

Or are you attached to the anxiety itself? 

I'm totally confused, please enlighten me. I've already Googled it. 😀

 

I think everyone's anxious attachment is different. for me its the unknown.

at first I didn't realllly like him - like we were talking but I didn't read much into it but then we spoke on the phone and i really liked his vibe and the convo and we had a looot in common and then I guess from there because I had interest in him I started picking up on things like how often he replied and stuff like that but thats because I am interested.

The anxiousness comes from him not communicating well and not texting me a lot (he still has not responded to the 10AM text) but then to try to calm my anxiety I tell myself that we havent even met and just focus on the communication after we met.

But then also my anxiety tells me he doesnt even want to meet me - hes leading me on.

its just a lot of anxiety and overthinking.

11 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Maybe you just need to find someone who matches your energy… he says he is not a good planer? Well maybe you need to find someone you is eager to plan a date with you ASAP and who is willing to text as you do. How about he is not a good match for you because of his nonchalance… my concern is you didn’t meet that guy yet and he is already making you feel anxious… 

Just one question… do you know where you anxious attachment comes from? And are you doing something to become less anxious in your relationships? Like therapy or coaching… 

 

So we were texting for a few weeks and i had no sudden interest in him, it was just whatever. then one night he called me and it was way better than texting. like we just clicked and we had a lot in common as well and from there i was like wow i really liked that convo, i'm interested in meeting him asap.

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Definitely try to set up a mutually convenient time to meet in person. He stated he's away on business? Perhaps stay in light touch and focus on setting up the date for when he returns. 

So he says he's not a planner and plans his week every sunday lol

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It doesn't make sense to be "attached" to literally just words on a screen and a voice over an electronic device.  Keep reminding yourself of that.

Once there's a solid plan to meet in person and you actually do meet, then you can decide if you want to continue.

In the meantime keep the texts to a minimum. You two are not in a relationship so there's no need for daily check-ins. 

Clearly you don't know what anxious attachment is.

Google it.

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

of course you reply… Don’t back of without explaining him why you do it. Just tell him that you prefer keeping the conversation for when you actually meet and that you are looking forward to it. Always be kind and polite… (I mean, not like me 😅) 

 

My first reaction when guys get distant is just to back off so there's no "rejection" lol

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I understand your anxiety but you didn't meet him yet, so keep in mind you might not like him in person that much after all. 

Try not to worry too much, it seems he wants to see you next weekend, and I don't think there's anything wrong with light texting until the two of you meet.

Ok... so if he texts I should reply? I was thinking of backing off until next week lol

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It seems you're already afraid of "losing" this guy. You haven't even met yet!

Please, try to calm down. For all you know you'll meet him and realize there's no in person chemistry.

Yes- that's how I feel! I mean thats what anxious attachment normally is.

Thank you! I needed that!! 🙂

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Just stop texting or calling him. You said you will be free next week, so if he wants to meet you, he will reach out. Don’t text unless it’s to set up a first meet, because this is the best way to become boring, in fact. Just tell him that you rather talk to him in person and that you are free next week if he wants to meet. You already waisted to much time and energy in a guy you don’t even know…. He is just a number and a photo on a screen and the same goes for you. 

 

omg youre so harsh and miserable lol but ok....

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't get this "being busy" stuff, it takes 30 minutes to meet for coffee and gauge in person chemistry.

Did you not have 30 minutes during the entire week to meet? 

IDK, if I were him, I would be questioning your interest. 

He has a work trip so perhaps that's different however when two people truly want to meet, they make time.

Do you know what attachment style he is? 

Last week, I was busy with family stuff, work and school. I also had a flat tire and had to get my car fixed which took 2 days. Then I had my period. I suffer from endometriosis so when I'm on my period - I can barely leave the house from all the pain/bleeding . So no... I did not have 30 mins. l'm usually not a busy person and can easily make time but last week I just couldn't.

But I'm free this week (he's not free) and next week.

I'm not sure what his attachment style is. But I get a sense that he thinks the texts are getting boring. So I was thinking of randomly calling him tonight before bed. But idk if its too much

Just now, boltnrun said:

Yes. Meet in person ASAP so you can see if you two actually hit it off in real life. And stop with the meaningless texting. You can't conduct a relationship over an electronic device, especially with someone you never met and don't know. 

I completely agree.

He's busy this week with a work trip so hopefully I can see him next week.

He messaged me last week asking when he could see me but I was busy last week.

Hey guys!

I started talking to this guy a few weeks ago. We met off a dating app but we haven't met in person yet. We text daily and we talked on the phone twice.

I am slowing getting interested in him and unfortunately, that has spiked my anxious attachment and I don't know what to do.

Here are some context:

Sometimes when we text - he texts back quick  but sometimes hes slow... but today for example the last text sent was by me at 10am and it is now almost 4pm and he posted something on social media awhile ago.
He says he wants something serious but he goes out a lot like partying 
When we talk on the phone - its great! The convo goes sooo smooth and we could be talking for an hour but it feels like 20 mins
Last friday - he randomly called me while he was driving, which I appreciated
Our texts are pretty much the same everyday (good morning, hows work, what are you up to)
He is busy this week and I want to see him next weekend (the plan is to go to some halloween maze - he said he was down but idk I'm always thinking the worst)

I feel like I should just pull away. He doesn't seem interested. And I already am getting anxious and in the past that never works out for me.
Or I was thinking of just pulling away and then texting him next week to make plans.
How can I make our texts interesting? Or how can I work on communicating better?

Any advice?

i feel like there are other issues in your relationship... you didnt know he was gonna introduce you as his gf after 5 years? lol what????

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you still talking with each other? How did you leave things? 

I told him how I felt and how we can reconnect after the 8 months. He said he's still here now but he understood where I was coming from.
After that he responded to my snapchats (it was my cousins bday and he was like where was my invitation - as a joke)

but thats about it.