Kristen Mcgee

When you go to get married just be very honest foremost with yourself and then with your significant other. Make sure you have no doubts that is the best advice i can give anyone.

That is where I went wrong and honestly now looking back I realize why my parents said that I was too young to get married. I was barely 23 and I see the world so differntly now then I did back then. But still I will make my marriage work both for my child and my family.

I am sorry this post is not meant to make you feel as such really. All I can say is you have to live your life and deal with the issues as they arise. Do not let other peoples experiences stop you from living your life.

I wish I could answer your question, but I think young people make mistakes and they only come to realize it years later.

I knew when I started dating my now husband that even though I cared for him deeply, I was on the rebound and would have gone back to my ex in a second, but still it was easier to be with my husband then alone. I figured with time I would forget my ex and time would heel all wounds, I don't know why in my case it just never did.

Now its even harder because I know through the years my ex was also thinking about me. He even made the comment that "I am actively a part of his life/thoughts even before we started talking again".

The bottom line is when you get married, just make sure that you really have no doubts in your head and discuss this with your to be wife. If you are honest with everyone including yourself then things are more proned to work out. This is where I made the mistake, I was not honest with myself all those years ago and now I live to regret it the rest of my life. Good Luck

I don't know your story as I am relatively knew to this board, but is there something going on in your wifes life that you don't know about? She sounds like she is going through some type of a crisis/situation. It doesn't make sense how she could just want to throw away everything for no good reason. 'Don't know' may translate into 'I don't want to tell you' maybe. I am really sorry for all the pain you and esp your son are suffering, but I commend you on being such a wonderful father and I am sure your son will really appreciate that one day.

To rockchick:

I have a couple of questions - was he in the middle of the divorce before you guys started talking again or did he start the process after?

I think in some sense our emotions are very similar. I have thought the same things.

Here is the way I have looked at it, as much as I would love to see my ex to see.. , I wonder to myself if the opportunity was really present would I do it..

You are right I believe after so many years of marriage things become 'routine', work, bills, etc and sometimes, that other person is exciting, new etc. brings out all these feelings in us. But then you have to wonder - is the grass greener on the other side? You may not have those exciting feelings that we once had in our early 20's but would you want to risk the easy, no complication life you currently have to feel that excitement. Here is the other question - is it only this person that you would be willing to give your husband up for or could some one else (new person) potentially cause you to have these thoughts? If your answer is yes to this then you should really think hard about your feelings towards your husband in general. Do you love him or maybe you are just bored with life right now?

With all that said - since you don't have kids, I think your situation is less complicated, at least you only have to think of your husband. In my case kids are involved but I can honestly say that if there were no kids involved then I would probably defintiely pursue to see what if with my ex.... As I have now come to realize that life is too short and you should live every moment with as much happiness as you possibley can.

I really thank everyone for all your comments and thoughts. I think hearing your perspective is certainly helping me.

I know I will never completely get over him or will forget him, but I do need to focus on the here and now. I have a wonderful family and I have to continue to focus on that.

To be honest, I don't think I will really get over my ex, I have certainly realized that now, but I have to do what I did all those years ago, just bottle up my feelings and close the door and move on. I need to stop checking my email hoping for his emails and I need to focus on my future and realize that I will never see him and thats the way life was meant to be. My child is number one. This is all that I think and want to do, but it is hard. I have my good days and bad, but hopefully with each passing day things will get easier, I just hope it doesn't take another 9 years.

I know you are right about having no contact which is the way things are headed now as it was his birthday last week and I didn't contact him at all, but you have to remember we had no contact for 6 years and even though it got easier with time, he was never out of my head completely, and you are right talking to him again has refreshened every feeling once again.

I just really thought if we could see each other that what we think we feel or have is just in our heads thus we could both move on and it would be closure, but he doesn't necessarily think that. He told me as much as he would love to see me, he does not want to see me because he thinks that our connection is still there full force due to our online/phone relationship.

I don't know where to begin. I have been married for 8 years and been with my husband for 9 years. We have 1 child. When I met my husband over 9 years ago, I was on the rebound from an ex boyfriend who was soon going to be my fiance. To make a long story short, my ex and I broke up because of the distance we lived in 2 separate states, 1000 miles apart. Anyhow my ex and I broke up and when I met my now husband, I was on the rebound and now I realize I have always been on the rebound.

I have moved on with my life and I have a relatively happy marriage, I am not head over heels for my husband, probably never was, but I do care for him alot. (I should add that my ex and I both married that same year, he ended up marrying an old ex girlfriend) Anyhow, after 2 years of marriage and never forgetting my ex, I contacted him via email. At the time his wife was pregnant and we quickly persuade a 'online relationship', via email, IM and the phone. After a couple of months and him moving we stopped contact.

I moved on with my life, but never completely forgot about my ex. On occasion I even would search for him, just curiosity, but I never made contact again.

Well about 2 months ago, one late night, he made contact with me via email. He is now married with 3 kids and has a happy life and marriage as he has told me. Well the one email once again turned into an intense 'online relationship' that I don't think either one of us was planning we just couldn't control ourselved. (neither one of us are the cheating type) We started talking via email, IM, phone everyday, every single moment we had for several weeks, until finally he said that he just couldn't continue like this. He couldn't stop thinking about me, he couldn't function or work because of all his emotions, but he did love his wife and family and had a commitment and though we had admitted how much we cared for each other that we couldn't continue talking like this. But he still wanted to keep in touch maybe occasional "hellos" or life udpates, because he wants both of us to be happy.

So basically we slowly stopped talking, would email once a week and slowly less. He also told me that he never stopped thinking about me either over the last 9 years, but he did not want to see me. I on the other hand wanted to see him becasue I was hoping that in person the connection would not be there and maybe we could finally have some closure and we could just move on, but he thought that it was too risky, he thougth that our connection via phone, online was already so strong that he thougth in person it would be too hard and it would even complicate things more.

Anyways, the point is that he has obviously moved on, or can move on much better then me. No one knows that I am going through this, so on the surface I am going on with my life, but inside I am dieing, I feel like 9 years ago when he and I broke up. I guess I dont' understand how easily he was able to get wrapped up with me again and then turn around and just move on with his life. He even told me that he thought the fact that he thinks about me is fine but talking to me all the time is not ok. (this is weird he said he even was thinking of me just recently before we started talking when he was going to have a vasectomy) The way I look at it is neither is actually ok, but I actually don't think its fair to either of our spouses that we have this other person that is always on our mind. I have tried everything to forget him and I just can't get him out of my head. For me now so even more, after talking to him again.

What do you think he is thinking and how do I pick up the broken pieces and move on again? I feel like everyday my heart is breaking all over again. I know since my dear husband has not been able to get me over my ex he never can, even though I am trying to focus on my husband.

I am now 30 and I can't believe that this is effecting my life like this, but I just can't control it. Thanks for listening

Like I said, people think they understand these feelings, but they have not a clue. They have no idea the struggle you have within you, they just know how to judge your 'depicable behaviour'. You don't have a clue!

ehhhhh, this is such a tough situation and I am sure that many people reading these posts are thinking that you and probably me too are very selfish.

But they have no idea what we are feeling and how strongly we are feeling and probably never will (in some ways they are the lucky ones). I am sure you have just as I have tried to fight these feelings and tried so hard to forget about our ex and move on, but somehow it just never seems to end. If after all these years neither one of you can forget about the past, then I feel like maybe there is something there that you both need to figure out. I think its owed to everyone involved including yourselves and your spouse and your children to figure out why you still have these emotions for someone else. (I tried to explain this to my ex, hence the reason I wanted to see him, but he feels as though, thinking about me on a regular basis is ok, but talking to me/or seeing me is not - I think both are wrong, but if he can't stop thinking about me, then he should figure out why - I don't think its fair to his wife or to my husband) Maybe you and your ex never had a closure, which is my case and seeing each other somehow will give you that closure and then you can both move on freely with your lives or maybe you really are meant to be together.

Who knows what the future holds, but the bottom line is that you are not happy with your current life for maybe even reasons you don't realize and maybe in the end of all this you will be happy. Whether it is closure with your ex and a full commitment to your current family or a life with your ex that you have always wanted.

You are lucky that your husband is supporting you with all this and you are lucky that your ex wants you back.

I have told my ex all this and he realizes that we are both living a 'happy life' but neither are truly happy, but he still loves his family and does not want to see me, b/c he feels as though it would really complicate things. I can tell you that even though I am happily married, if my ex came knocking on my door, I would definitely see if things could work out with him. Even though I love my family dearly, I just adored my ex and I will never feel the same about anyone and it makes me so sad that I can't be with him ever again. And I have realized that life is too short, you might as well live it the way you want, even if others don't approve of your decisions. Your kids should come first but not at the expense of you ruining your life.

I am so glad that I found this post Linda. I have a similar situation to yours. I have been married for 8 years, with 1 child, but I have an ex that I almost married but we ended up breaking up because of the distance. We live in different states still.

It has been 10 years since I have seen him, but I never stopped thinking about him. We got in contact over 6 years ago b/c I emailed him first, at the time his wife was pregnant. We talked for a few months and the feelings everything was still so alive, but he ended up moving and stopped his contact with me.

I never stopped thinking about him, I moved on with my life but he was always a part of me. Now back in July of this year he found me again and he is happily married, we both are, with families, he has 3 young kids. Somehow we started talking again both on the phone, email, IM. We admitted so much to each other that we basically still care so much for each other and he said if it wasn't because of our families that there would be no question we would be together. We continued this talking everyday for over 3 weeks, but it was getting to the point that neither one of us could function on a daily basis, our minds and emotions were so just on each other. He even told me that he felt like such a jerk when he would go home at night, sitting there with his family and all he could do is think of me. Needless to say, he decided that it was for the best that we stop talking. So we have, except that we still exchange emails once in a while. this was his idea, he didn't want to loose touch and wanted to know about my life, so he thought that we could send emails to each other on occasion. So far it has been 1 email from each of us per week, but i know it will gradually get less.

I married my husband on the rebound from this guy and now 9 years later, my husband has not been able to get me over him, so he never will. Because I know how you feel, my advice to you, is to be careful. You do have 4 kids to consider in every step that you take, but I also think that you are human and if you truly have a second chance to really be with the one you really love, then maybe you shouldn't turn your back. No matter what the kids will grow up, and even though this is not completely fair to your kids, is it fair that you live this misery of a life, being with one man when your heart and soul belongs to another?

I wish that we both didn't have these kinds of feelings and just could live our life, but the truth of the matter is that we can't just forget our feelings. In my case, my ex, has made the decision for us as he stated "we need to be happy with what we have now and live our life". I don't know how he can do it and just move on, but it has been so dreadfully hard for me and I think it is going to be so hard for me to move on, but I don't have a choice. You do have a choice, but be very careful every step of the way and remember that the grass is always greener on the other side.