basscheck

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I'm sorry to say it, but you robbed yourself of this opportunity and this choice when you left the matter in her hands. You could have talked about STDs before you became intimate. Sure, if she was an evil person, she wouldn't have told you. But if she's a decent person who's simply been misinformed (or confused by the contradictory treatment practices of the medical industry), I think she probably would have told you. I think this because she could have hidden this outbreak from you. But instead she was upfront about it.

I don't disagree. I've had to disclose once when I had something temporary so I just always assumed people would do the same. Seems like that's not the case here though. I've had a number of partners through short lived relationships over the years and not once has either party brought up STDs which I now find odd. Not sure what other people's experiences are in this category.

I did ask her if she would have told me if I had asked about her status and she said yes. I don't think she would have lied about it at the time. She was open about another life long disease she has that's not contagious so it seems like that would have been a good time to have dropped this as well

I've seen how people can be a drain on other people like this. Sometimes it's easier to stay together, but I feel like in the long run you'll be better off leaving as it gets harder to leave mentally as time goes on. It may be worth bringing up the topic of a divorce and voicing your reasoning. Perhaps he just needs the shock to get things back in order. Couples counseling could be another option as well. The sending other women money thing feels like the biggest deal breaker of all to me. I hope you can find peace in whatever path you choose

15 hours ago, sweetlady said:

She should of told you from the start she had it. But maybe she didn't want to lose you. 

But it all depends if you can look past this and how you feel about her.

Is this a deal breaker the fact she didn't tell you. Or if your honest deep down would you of freaked out and ended it. Just be honest with her if she blown it.

Honestly I think it's a pretty big life decision for me and not something that I would freak out over. I definitely have invested a good chunk of time in this relationship, but it's hard to say if I would have, had I known upfront. Alternate realities are hard to predict I suppose. Outside of this event I do truly believe she would make a good life partner for me which is the thing that hurts the most.

My test results came back negative today so at some point I need to make a decision in all of this. She's been very patient with me and understands my point of view. I change my mind on things every few hours it feels. Love hurts as they say

In my experience it is almost always is better to just suggest a single date/time. Women on average like a man who knows what they want and can be decisive. If they can't make it or don't like the idea they'll usually tell you and you can work out an alternative. For first dates suggest something with an easy out such as drinks, ice cream, or a walk in the park.

2 hours ago, gamon said:

My older sister has been back to dating for the past 6 or 7 years. She's met a lot of losers. One guy gave her Herpes 2, he did not disclose it beforehand. She gets frequent outbreaks. Now when she meets a guy she has to deal with how to tell him, and to her credit she always does prior to any sexual activity. Many guys ghost her after that. The guy she is with now, 5 or 6 months which is probably a record for her in recent years (but I digress), has the distinction of being a Herpes 2 recipient. She feels sort of bad about it but as she says "well I warned him". Meanwhile she is also under the mistaken impression, reinforced by her doctor, that she can't transmit the virus if it's not an active outbreak. She has also failed to accept that she needs to be on antivirals permanently to protect a noninfected partner. Even though an internet search clearly proves otherwise.

For whatever that's worth.

Appreciate you sharing the story! It seems crazy to me how many doctors don't really care about it/are uninformed about it

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The sad fine point here is the deception.  That's what you'll have to grapple with. For now perhaps step back and reflect how this impacts you. Maybe refrain from sexual activity until at least your tests come back. 

Yea totally agree. For now we're just talking here and there until I get my tests results back. I think I'll have a better idea of how I feel long term once I have that knowledge

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Did you ask your doctor why that is?

It just seems bizarre that it would be considered 'normal' not to take antivirals when it's a known fact that herpes is contagious even when someone is asymptomatic? 

My doctor said that he only typically prescribes them to patients with 3-5+ outbreaks per year. Didn't really follow up any more than that though. A lot of people in the medical community don't really see herpes as a big deal. It's more the stigma around it. While I don't necessarily disagree, I'd also like to not have genital sores if I can avoid them 

25 minutes ago, gamon said:

Your girlfriend has put you at risk for a lifetime of outbreaks and misery. If you date others, you'll be faced with the same dilemma all HSV2 people have. Lots of women won't want to get involved with someone who has it so your options will be more limited. It will always be on your mind when you start dating.. when do you tell them, how will they react, how will you tell them.

If things are good between you otherwise, you might have to find a way to get past what could be considered carelessness and ignorance at the very least, to deception at worst.

If you stay together and you haven't contracted the virus she needs to be on antivirals for the duration of your relationship. Or until a cure is found, but I wouldn't count on that one.

Your comment is basically all the thoughts going through my mind the past week. It's definitely a decision I'll have to make for the rest of my life either way so I don't want to rush in to it and she's been very understanding of that.

Yea the antivirals are an absolute requirement for me should things proceed and I'm negative. She's currently only taking them during outbreaks which my doctor tells me is pretty normal for people with infrequent outbreaks.

@Jibralta appreciate the anecdotes. I'm planning to get tested soon so that I can understand where I'm at. Given that I've never had a herpes test it would be good to know. Perhaps I've just been asymptomatic all these years. Fwiw even with no sores you can still asymptomatically shed and infect people. It's probably the most common way people get it since a lot of people don't know they have it because it's never tested for.

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Would it be the end of the relationship for you if you do contract herpes?

Yes, she should have told you. She knows she can pass it along through asymptomatic shedding. That happens when an outbreak doesn't result in actual sores. And she knows this because her doctor would have told her when she was diagnosed.

I'm sorry she chose not to tell you. She was likely fearful you would leave her if she told you, but that's no excuse.

If you see this as a potential lifelong relationship it may not be as crucial as if this was just a casual or short term relationship. You'll just need to keep an eye on your health and notify one another whenever there's an outbreak.

The fact that she hid it from you is a separate issue. How do you feel about that? Does it make you distrust her? 

You ask some great questions. I'm not really sure how I feel about contracting herpes. If the relationship lasts for life then it's not really a huge deal. If not, then I do think it would be harder to have relationships in the future which would be a major impact to my life.

I am definitely bothered by the fact that I wasn't told upfront. When we first talked about it she said she didn't plan to disclose it to her future partners because she felt condoms were enough to keep us safe. After talking with her about removing my ability to consent to the risk, she thought on it for awhile and came back with a heartfelt apology and promising she'd never do it again. I feel like it's possible to trust here again, but it's really hard to predict the future

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. Only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great. Not really sure what to do from here. I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now