OldSoulPH

Thank you, very well said.

Thank you for your reply - I am very grateful for your perspective. It’s possible that growing up I was frequently led to believe that all marriages have their fair share of ups and downs, so I was not surprised when my wife and I had our share of issues. After reading your post I thought back to a few months ago when I was talking to one of my neighbors - a woman in her early to mid 80s whose husband recently passed away. She told me in 61 years of marriage, they never argued once. I didn’t think too much of it at the time but now it’s starting to have an impact on my thought process. Some days my wife and I can’t even go 61 minutes without arguing about something. It’s not healthy. The grass may not necessarily be greener on the other side, but what I have been dealing with, especially the last few years, is something I can’t keep up forever. I definitely don’t want to be alone but don’t want to deal with abuse either. What also is on my mind…if, hypothetically, I was starting over today being single again. If, for example, I tried to be with any woman other than Melissa, I feel I would be settling. Even with no guarantee it would ultimately work out, Melissa is the only woman with whom I have ever felt that intense lightning energy. Sometimes just the thought of her causes my arms and legs to become numb. I know it sounds crazy, but that is what I experienced. It makes everything that much more complicated. I just wish I knew if lightning could strike twice in the same person.

You are absolutely right. The fact that I even developed feelings for another woman after I was married is something which I am very embarrassed and ashamed. Nonetheless, I still have had to deal with it internally and sometimes I feel like my soul is in prison. Apart from this message board, the only person who I have told about these feelings is my psychiatrist. But the happiness and comfort I feel around Melissa are probably easily noticeable to those who are with us. It’s tough to say the least. I can say that I have never met Melissa without Kate being present and never talked about anything inappropriate with Melissa. But I can see how it can be perceived that a boundary was crossed.

Thank you - I completely agree. I have tried that many times with Kate and one or more of the following happens - defensiveness and unwillingness to accept responsibility for her actions, attempting to shift the fault to me, or empty divorce threats of her own. I have lost count of the number of times she has brought up divorce over the most trivial things (even before I knew Melissa), but acts like nothing is wrong later that same day. It’s very unhealthy to say the least. I really want Kate to seek professional help but I can’t force her to. There is only so much a person can take.

Thank you very much for responding to that area of my question. What you said makes sense. I feel that I am still married because I vowed to be with Kate for better or worse. It has been becoming more difficult due to her refusal to seek counseling or other professional help and not being open to the fact that her behavior (disrespect, sometimes verbal abuse) is frequently a problem. This was going on even before I met Melissa. Despite what some may think, my feelings for Melissa developed unintentionally, and I am well aware that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Perhaps this is not entirely about Melissa herself but also about the desire for a woman who treats me better. Several of my family members have told me I deserve much better than Kate.

Thank you for your honesty.

Very true, thank you for the reply.

Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it. Much of what you said here is exactly what I keep telling myself, and will most likely seek professional help to work through it. Part of the issue is that Kate refuses marriage counseling and thinks she is never wrong. Everything is always my fault (goes back to before Melissa was in the picture). Kate also recently made the comment that Melissa is morally corrupt, something she never once mentioned in the past 6 years. I haven’t figured out if that is really the truth (as we all have made mistakes throughout life) or if it is just Kate’s angry talk. Most likely a little of both. Kate and I usually can’t talk about Melissa without getting into an argument. Again, thank you for your honesty.

Thank you very much. I completely agree.

While it’s pretty clear in my mind for a number of reasons that Melissa feels the same way about me, you make a valid point. Very much appreciated.

I am writing to ask for genuine, non-judgmental words of wisdom for a difficult situation. I have been married to “Kate” for almost 8 years, together for almost 10. Like any couple, we have had our fair share of ups and downs. About 1.5 years after our wedding, Kate and I attended a gathering of a few of her friends from college whom I had not met yet. Long story short, I developed a crush on Kate’s friend “Melissa,” who is single. I didn’t think too much of it at the time but I unintentionally found myself thinking about Melissa far more often than I should have. It definitely was not love at first sight, but after spending more time with her (in a group setting), the passion for her continued to grow. We could talk for hours and she could instinctively understand me. After about a year of knowing Melissa, we again attended another gathering of friends. When we met that night, we made eye contact for about 3 seconds, and I felt like I had been struck by lightning, a feeling that I have never felt with any other woman. Ever since then (about 5 years), I knew that this was way more than a crush. The happiness and comfort I feel when with her is beyond surreal, and it’s very possible that Kate sensed it and became jealous and/or threatened. I have never cheated on Kate, but she has since greatly reduced the time I can interact with Melissa. I don’t even think they consider themselves friends anymore. Yes, I am well aware that even if I had a chance with Melissa, it may not have worked out. However, mourning the loss of this potential relationship has taken its toll on me over the years. I am not a strong believer in the sayings “if it’s meant to be, it will happen.” This adage takes choice out of the equation, as we choose who to let into our lives. Any relationship takes work as well, from both people. Surely the divorce rate would be much lower if this saying were true. So what I am asking: If you are a man responding to this, how have you dealt with intense feelings for another woman, and the anger/frustration that came with not meeting her first? If you are a woman responding to this, what goes through your mind if you develop this lightning energy with a married man? What do you then do about it? Any other details that are needed, please let me know.