isthisaredflag

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would't bother with this guy anymore, no. Cut him off. 

He dumped you for someone else. That would be enough for me to have blocked him for good. Don't be someone's Plan B for when they're bored, lonely or looking for attention. 

So strange how he claimed he never did that, that they were just friends before and after. That it was never a relationship to him (after they went on a date). As I brought this to his attention when I was hurt at the time. But thank you, needed to hear this. 

Dated my ex for about a year. I decided to end things but we still dated for a bit and then he finally ended things. He told me he was going to stay single for a while, but unbeknownst to me, he told me he was interested in a friend (someone who I was a bit suspicious of) as he would hang out with her at the gym, once as I was going to his place, he was late and was chatting with that girl at the gym. But then claimed it was obvious they weren't compatible. This was only weeks after we broke up. It was unacceptable for me and he agreed that he should have backed off and they were apparently 'friends' for a bit. I was incredibly hurt. He told me on the phone he sort of had feelings for her before we started dating, again he never told me this when I asked who she was. The most hurtful part was that he had nothing in common with her, she was less attractive etc.

Fast forward almost 2 years ago, we've been in on and off contact and he has tried to see me since. He does express occasionally that he gets sad and misses me. We hadn't spoken for about 4 months until he reached out recently, I was happy with us talking about life/what we were getting up to. I just get this vibe that he still likes me, with lots of questions and keeping the conversation going, and says my name to all the time and joked that I'm a goth with a black love heart about some comment. You know when you can just tell someone is kinda needy/interested in you? He reached out saying he wanted to let me know that he's going on a holiday soon overseas and that he moved cities for the time being but kept saying he had a job back home (seems like he's interested still). Anyway, I asked about his house and for some reason, he interpreted that I was talking about that girl. He sent a question mark with the street he lived on and I said yes. He sent some weird message to me saying 'If it's who you're thinking about, I have not spoken to her in forever, obviously'. I quickly said that I was talking about where he used to live. Then I changed the subject. The other night I told him to stop speaking about this person. He sort of apologised and said that he doesn't want to go back to that unacceptable talk and that he misinterpreted me.

I haven't responded. I am livid really. Do I just never speak to this person again? I just feel like I've been subtly disrespected for years by him but he claims it's just because he's clueless.

Thanks, everyone. Maybe I am a bit too invested, but I just felt like we had a fair bit in common. Very similar music. Whilst I'm not directly in the medical field, have done research in a similar field that he currently works in so that as well. Just felt *right*. 

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let it go. You are overusing texting, messaging and social media even before there is interest or an offer to meet. You're wasting time on timewasters.

 Do not engage in all this chitchat and these lateral moves. Message a few times on the app. Suggest meeting for a brief coffee/drink. If there is no response or offer to meet, delete and block.

Do not add random internet strangers to your social media. Communicate through the app and meet promptly. Unless you want chatbuddies?

Thanks wiseman. So not do anything or double message him asking for a date?

I am interested in him. Thing is, I have been responding enthusiastically. Even my opening message which reasonably witty. I responded to something he said and still haven't heard from him in a few days. I'm unsure if he has intentions to even meet up. He did say he was looking at my Instagram the other day because I've got minimal photos, but he didn't follow me. We seem to listen to very similar music which is kind of interesting. Don't double message him right?

8 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

You need to let someone know you are interested in who they are.  If someone didn't seem interested in inquiring anything about me, I'd move on.

Don't be coy with online dating.  Between this and the other thread you posted, you are trying to strategize rather than trying to make a connection with someone. 

There are plenty of time wasters online and by either not being forthcoming or sitting back waiting to be pursued you will miss out on the opportunity.

Personally, I would ask to talk on the phone rather quickly.  There is a good number of people who will text or write emails indefinitely.  I would just them to let me know if they are ever interested in talking on the phone.  Those with the right intentions will jump at the chance.  You get to know them much better than you ever will texting and from there if you get a sense you'd like to meet, suggest it.  Remember it's just a meet n greet and not a date.  

Thank you. He replied with a question just now. I just do find it hard between wanting to be coy/not push someone anyway but cut to the chase like wiseman suggests. Am a pretty assertive personally naturally but I do find this difficult. Maybe with age I'll improve. 

2 minutes ago, isthisaredflag said:

Your always is always good, thank you. We've only been talking for a day, so will give him the benefit of the doubt.

Advice sorry *

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he is not suggesting meeting, he's a timewaster. Texting is Not dating. Forget "flirty and cheeky" or bantering questions back and forth. If he is not asking you out he's not interested.

You can cut to the chase and suggest meeting for a brief coffee/drink. You need to participate in your own success when it comes to getting dates. That  means skip the endless texting.

Your always is always good, thank you. We've only been talking for a day, so will give him the benefit of the doubt.

Matched with him, and messaged him, he seems to be interested and relatively engaging. A little flirtatious and cheeky, all appropriate. Complimented on a photo of mine. I admit I haven't asked him any questions and he still responds relatively engagingly in a way that almost requires a response. He did ask a question the other night, I replied but I didn't return with another question. He still responded. I finally did ask him something, so will be interesting to see if he returns a question back so the communication continues so we can meet up. He does take many hours to respond as well.

Advice?

I rarely ever message them first but with a good match, every now and then I will. But it still feels wrong to me. I cut communication if the chat gets dry/or they don't officially ask me out. I just very much prefer to be courted and it appears that any time I've 'pursued' a man, it didn't end that well. But then again, occurs with guys that pursue me too.

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I didn't mean that at all.  I wouldn't continue to date him.  Somehow you feel you owe him for a first date, you are meh about meeting up with him, making excuses, you feel you have to tolerate his sexting and also respond in kind -despite being suspicious of his motives.  This is not a potential relationship.  It's a mess.  And messy wayyyyy too soon -so I'd move on.  Interact with people where you feel comfortable in your own skin and where your behavior and choices are consistent and consistent with reasonable self worth.  JMHO.

Totally agree. I think if my heart is not really fully into it, best not to. In all honesty, think he hasn't responded as he's probably finding me difficult with not wanting to meet up/as I didn't attend his friend's thing. Probably gets the vibe I'm meh about it. But like you say, even though I've added to the fire if I'm slightly uncomfortable about things, not a good start to a 'relationship'. 

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes- so I'd explore the weird part because you're reacting to the weird part in potentially harmful ways.  

Thank you. Just back away for a bit and casually just message him when it suits me? That’s if he responds and wants to meet again. 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right of course not -you told him it was a gift.  So it is.  I'd really explore why you choose these behaviors and reactions to help you in the future in interacting both on dates and just generally in life.  

Thank you. I guess a weird part of me tried to rationalise that he paid a fair bit for dinner, so I should do the same and be even. 

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why in the world are you sending him that amount of money in this situation? Is this something you're routinely comfortable with -sending this amount of money to people you don't know well -and especially since you're very unsure about where this is headed. He took you on a first date -many people treat on a first date (although a couple hundred bucks sounds like a lot for dinner but whatever).

You think he's being demanding but he's picking up on your reactions -you're ok with him sending you all those sexually suggestive texts and then you flippantly offer to spend all that $ on him - so him asking for a ride is sort of based on the vibe you're giving off - he's a person who pushes the envelope right so where's the shocker here. What's really going on here with you?

You raise some good points and you are right. I guess if we don't see each other again, I'll just accept that defeat. As I can't really say, oh pay me back now. I can't really broach the topic now. 

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you volunteering to chauffeur him around and buy him gifts for "a few hundred bucks", if all he does is send pics of vibrators and won't ask you out again?

He did invite me to that thing with his friends on Saturday however. He said on Saturday again, that I'm more than welcome to come. Or were you referring to more one on one catch-ups?

Get out now. You do not have to put up with this. Your mental health and life are in danger and you are willing to accept this. Escape NOW. 

As I was supposed to attend last night for his friend's birthday, I just suggested we do something one on one soon. He said I was still welcome to come and I just said that I would be having a family thing in the end. We were messaging throughout the day and he asked me for a website of something I bought something from but you have to download an app to use it. I just said I could buy it for him (it was about the price of the dinner he paid for on our first date), he said he would owe me back but I said not to worry, it was a few hundred bucks. I joked that we forgot to buy something else and he said we could get it on the way home tonight (last night) after I picked him up from his friend's birthday. When I made it pretty clear that I couldn't do that as I was at home with my family. I didn't say this but then thought of it after, seems a bit demanding. I just sort of said I'd like to and would do it another time. He opened the message but didn't respond. I'm just not sure I like where this is heading but could be overthinking but is causing me some mild anxiety. 

2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Maybe he suggested the event with his friends because you'd had to say no to meeting during the week and he wanted to see you, but not miss the event. If the event is something you're interested in, then it keeps the date quite casual and not near his bedroom. 

The stuff about the sex toys, though? Each to his own, but that would have put me right off and there would be no second date. 

Thank you. Depending on what happens this week/weekend and in the future. What would you personally do? See this person again or? I think after the event though, the bedroom is probably on his cards but I could be wrong. 

12 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

This probably boils down to personal taste. What one person wouldn't accept, another might be fine with and you both took a very long time to meet (a month?). Do you mind me asking why you were chatting for so long without meeting? 

The overall feeling I'm getting from your posts is that you're unsure and to an extent uneasy about this man but not clear why. Maybe you were recently burnt from a past relationship or dating experience like the one you mentioned? How recent was that? You were involved in the sexual texts and agreed to go on chatting for a month with someone you hadn't met. I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting at a beach. 

My guess is that the texting/chatting got way too far into sexual fantasies and a storyline which reality hasn't caught up with yet because the amount of time you've been texting outweighs the amount of real time you've spent in person which is unfortunate. I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting his friends either if you're both comfortable with it but you need to ask yourself whether you see yourself with this person or whether he was fun in the moment while texting. 

Thank you. I’ll get back to these questions soon! But hardest part I guess with the last comment, is that I don’t know yet. Maybe both? Best to see him a bit more I gather and go from there. 

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I was always extremely busy at work when I dated -often crazy busy -and if I was really into someone I made time for the person unless a true work emergency.  I think you're hesitant in general to see him again.  For me the sex toy stuff and the rest would be a complete dealbreaker this early on.

Thank you. Maybe to some extent the interest isn’t fully there! Can I ask deal breaker in what sense regarding the toys etc? Someone who’s pushy etc or?

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Friends thing, no. It could even be seen as a good thing as he wants you to get introduced and doesnt hide you. But yes, as you can see by your ex, even that isnt a sign that he is serious. But its not a red flag.

Overtly sexual, though. Sending you sex toys photos? That indeed could be a red flag. And the sign that he is aftering maybe just one thing. 

Thank you. It’s hard to say whether it’s his ‘fault’ as I did sort of start the sexual train a bit and do have a flirty, sexual side. 

2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I think it’s a bit early here to be using the word red flag. In your shoes, if you like him, want to see him again, and the event sound fun—go for it. You could bring a female friend too, perhaps. 

Some big picture thoughts: A month of texting is quite a bit before a first date, and invariably creates a false sense of intimacy: kinda fun and occasionally saucy, sure, but it can mess with the pacing of everything. Something to file away, but also? No biggie. If he’s a decent guy he’ll respect you, your pace, and there’s plenty of time to, say, adjust expectations and dial back on the sauce factor. 

Curious: aside from the toys, kissing, partner references, etc. do you get the sense that he is interested in who you are? Was he curious about you in realms outside of the gloss of hanky panky? 

Good questions and advice, thank you. I do think so regarding the last sentence. He did say when I got home it was good to get to know me a little bit. We did speak about family and greater topics but I know people can sometimes just have sides to show. 

Had been talking to him for a few weeks/a month before meeting. We went out for dinner together a few days ago and all went well. Kissed at the end. Texted me when we got home. Said he's glad he's met a woman who likes similar things. Said he found me even more attractive in person. Wanted to see me a few days later to do something together, I agreed but then I had too much going on with work so he suggested we maybe save it for the weekend. He also asked if I would be free this weekend as his friends have an event on. I don't see anything inherently wrong with this, however, previously dated someone and I met his friends quite early on, it didn't last and he was also seeing other people unknown to me.

Before we met, he would talk about what we should be doing for our second date, like going to the beach etc. I'm not sure if this is an issue but we hadn't even met, who is to say we would get along? Wondering if he's doing this to get in the sack quickly as I didn't sleep with him on the first date/as we did have some sexual messages exchanged prior. Things over text got a bit heated when we got home too and even sent me a photo of some toys he would like us to get. In one of the other message, that was slightly sexual he said he wants his 'partner' to be satisfied.

Advice? Is this concerning or?