Boris 42

@Tinydance I guess neither of us thought it through originally and thought the relationship was strong enough, but we didnt know it would be a year before seeing each other again..At the time i fully supported her move there... Since then we have spoken about keeping communication open etc, and now if there was an enddate i think the LDR could work... She just needs to now decide if its me for the long haul or if its US guy for a short term fix, but then loosing me for good in the meantime...

Thanks @Tinydance, I get you completely. The thing is she has to stay in the US for at least another 2 years for her job, otherwise the last 2 years has been a waste of time as she needs to get things finished there which i understand. She said she was going to start looking for oppotrunities here for when all was done there (in 2 years) and i believe her about that. What i ask for now is that she gets rid of US guy now or in the very short term if she really does see a future for us... As i say i guess the proof is in any action she takes but then why tell me she feels guilty when with him? I am going to give her a couple more days before i take the decision out of her hands, and make it myself- my head is all over the place at the moment..

@Wiseman2 She told me this wouldnt happen if we continue..... im being too patient perhaps

A quick update... So i asked her if she saw the American yet since she has been back and she says she has, and therefore obvioulsy hasnt split with him yet. In the same breathe though she tells me she feels awfully guilty when with him... I told her that i dont want her to feel guilty she just needs to make a decision and stick to it, as otherwise im off the radar... Lets see what unfolds... wish me luck... Thanks again everyone for being here- its really helped me being able to write this down sometimes and getting your opinions...

I completely see your point @MissCanuck. This is why i have to give her a chance to break it off with this guy and if she doesnt then that tells me all i need to know in terms of how she really feels. Then indeed, i wont be hanging on as an option... Cheers

It does indeed @MissCanuck... I guess i will just have to wait for the next weeks to see what happens, with the hope that she realises what we have and could have in the future is stronger...If its not the case, then its obvious she is not the one for me, no matter where she lives and decides to be in the end.... Although to be honest, im not sure how long im going to wait, as if she knew, it would be done straight away without keeping me hanging and talking to me every day! I dont think i will ever understand...

Agreed @Wiseman2. If there is any indication he is coming here to meet her parents its game over....

Wow, sorry to hear that @Kwothe28.. Indeed, i obviously dont want to be the reserve... i still think i have to give her some space to sort out her feelings for this guy, but maybe again im being too generous... For example, she just sent me a pic from her bed with the American pets in there (she lives in a house share) and id find that very strange if she was doing that when he was around... i just have to have some patience i guess and hope she realises that what we have is worth keeping, even if it does mean LDR for a couple of years....

Hi All Just a quick update without a real update. So, she is now back in the US and has been for the last few nights. Each day she has been sending me multiple messages updating me on whats going on as well as sending 'night night' texts. Surely she wouldnt be so viscious to be sending those whilst slept next to this other guy? She has been away for 2 months, so i know if i hadnt seen my 'girlfriend' for 2 months i would make sure im with her when she returns... Am i reading too much into this, when actually i cant read anything? As ive said ive told her there can be no boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with this guy, but its fine if they hang out and he knows she is with me, and they need to change plans re:coming back to the UK etc... If she was being honest with this other guy, if i was him i would also have ran, but who knows what she is telling him as well.. i cant even find him among her socials (and neither can our mutual friends who arent in the UK, so its not as though its blocked to just me....) I know i should just tell her to p*** off but i cant help thinking she is a bit confused at the moment and i need to give her a few weeks to decide and gather her thoughts about being in an LDR for 2 years..(again i know very generous and i should just run, but i care so much about her...) Any further advice welcome- although im sure i know what im going to hear As they say, there aint no fool like an old fool! 🙂 Cheers again

Thanks again @Stargazer2. Yes, love makes you do strange things hey! 🙂 Agreed, its a shame im not friends with any of her American friends, although i have connected with a couple of them on FB, as i stayed with them when i went to visit her the first time. But they will always take her 'side' as they have no allegience to me.. I guess we just have to see what happens the next weeks- ive made it very clear to her where i stand and she now has a long journey back so hopefully it will give her time to think and action... Wishing you all the luck too- but hold on to the good in your life... 🙂 Cheers

Thanks @Stargazer2 She told me about the 'coming back for Christmas' as she said they had plans that werent easy to change but could be... I dug a bit and she finally told me ..so i dont think this came from a vicious place..She also told me it wasnt a serious relationship but wasnt casual either, so i think she is just a bit confused - as to me these are contradictory terms... As i say, i have now made it very clear to her that this cannot happen if she sees a future with me and she needs to finish with this guy in days/weeks of getting back to the US.. On another note, her parents also still stay in touch with me- which i find also quite strange to be honest (they (and her) sent my daughter a birthday present a few weeks ago for example...) It was also her bday a few weeks ago when she was back in the UK, and i sent a bunch of flowers to her as a gesture (at her parents house as thats where she was) and yesterday, before starting her journey back today, sent me a message saying she was pressing the flowers to preserve them.. If i was the other guy in this id also be the one running if i knew she was doing this, on the other hand if she is doing it and prepping to get back to him why do this and more importantly why tell me? I dont think i will ever understand to be honest... If the dumping of this guy is done (im going to have to take her word for it though..), then it will at least demonstrate the first bit of commitment to me for making a fresh start for us (and also show her i trust what she has said is true) , and then we can look to the next years to get her back to Europe together..and make the most of the situation for the next 2 years... I really appreciate your advice along the way. You all, just like my friends, tell me i need to get rid and move on but its tough when the feelings i have for her (and our potential future, which i think she has for me as well in many ways when we look each other in the eyes...), so i will give her this final chance to see if her actions speak louder than words... but it really is her final chance, despite the hurt it will cause i know it will be for the best in the future... Cheers and apologies if i sound like a broken record... 🙂

Thanks again all.. @Stargazer2 I did ask her if she loved this other guy and she quickly said no. So to me she is playing us both at the moment. As everyone says she needs to dump him- i see this needs to be face to face- so will give her a few weeks to do this. If it doesnt happen then indeed i am closed off to her for anything in the future and will do my best to move on.. Another issue is that as we work in the same field, her face, name comes up sometimes at conferences etc, but ill deal with that when we get there, and in the meantime block her (and her family) from all socials etc...

Hi All, Again thank you. i see all your points and i will act on this if within the next 2 weeks something isnt settled as we cannot continue like this for anyones sake.. @smackie9 indeed there was a point that i was going to propose to her but it never felt important to her- we also discussed this recently and she doesnt even think if we had been engaged she would have not gone to the US for her career. I see your point regarding new bloke, so again lets see what the next two weeks bring. If she doesnt end it with him, then indeed our relationship needs to end here, no matter where she plans to be in 2 years time... @JoyfulCompany, yes we hugged, yes we held hands, yes we kissed.. It didnt go any further, im guessing out of respect for the other guy, but now i need to be shown some respect by her comitting...From what i understood, this guy likes to plan, and she has just gone along with it. She has made it clear to him that she she probs wasnt going to stay in the US, but now hopefully she goes back, says look im going back to the uk to be with my ex, and they finish- end of.. For me this has to be the first sign of her commitment to me.. I completely see where you are coming from, and i also believe she has issues and is a bit of a mess about it all- i also just want her to be happy so im trying to get out of her what will make her happy! If thats not with me- fine, but then dont give me a BS story about planning to come back and then keep on messaging me daily telling me the last time you dreamt about! 🙂 Thanks all

Thank you all..Again, she said she was going to make steps to come back to the UK to be with me even if its not the best move for her career... As you all say, my big worry is this other guy. They have obviously made plans for the not too distant future but she is telling me they are not serious. At the same time I told her specifically that with him on the scene we are not going to move forward in any respect.. She has told this guy she was meeting with me, and also told me that she doesnt love him, so... i think the proof of the pudding will be in this action of letting him go. If this doesnt happen, then i agree, she needs to go... Thanks again @Wiseman2 @JoyfulCompany @MissCanuck @Andrina

I think i am going to give her a couple of weeks to end it with this guy. If she doesnt then indeed, distanced and blocked...

So, this afternoon was interesting... We met for a relaxed lunch where She basically told me she is going to start looking at trying to get back to the UK in the next couple of years so she can be with me.... At the same time she told me she is seeing this guy in the us and was going to bring him to meet her parents for Xmas, despite the fact she had previously told me that it was nothing serious but they have been dating for 2 months.. I told her that if she is already setting plans in motion to get back here to be with me then this relationship needs to stop now if she still wants to make a go of it between us. So now she says she will sort it out and has to think about it .. She says i am her future, so i say to her then we need to start working on it now.. i think she agreed in the end, but now i guess i wait until this guy is off the scene as actions speak louder than words. I would understand if we both go down the route of having friends with benefits and thats something i said id be willing to discuss with her for the following two years, but to have someone who you are bringing into your family to meet is something else completely... Any advice? Cheers

Thanks again all.. I completely see where you are all coming from. I dont think it is one way love, i just think she loves her job more than she loves a person! I have the feeling she may ask for an open long distance relationship with the aim for her to get back to Europe.. Lets see what the next 24-36 hours brings. Thanks again for the support to all of you

Thanks both. @Tinydance @MissCanuck When i asked her if she saw me in her ideal future she said she did...so i do think she sees there is a future there. Regarding leaving me behind after 6 years, we have spoken extensively about this and she thinks this is partially down to getting control again as we were also in the middle of the pandemic and this was her way of re-establishing it again.. not ideal i know but thats the character she is and one of the reasons why i love her... Indeed, we wouldnt be able to see each other too often but i could go and stay for a few weeks at a time, as i can 'collaborate' with her work there as well (as we work in the same field). My worry is indeed that once she is back in the us she changes her tune, but given the fact she was telling me how much she missed me before she came back im hoping that she will still want to give it a go... I am meeting her tomorrow for brunch, so lets see.. Thanks everyone..

Thanks @Andrina, I appreciate your opinion. We didnt break up when she left, we kept the LDR alive for a year, but a year without seeing each other due to the pandemic was too much. There was also always the talk that she would come back, but due to the area we work in there are more opportunities in the US, and she love her job- which i get, so she started to think about staying there more long term.. She now realises that actually she will more than likely come back to Europe.. We are meeting up later in the week to discuss and see what to do.. This evening for example she sent me messages along these liness..."I miss you so much. Yes I think there is potential. But I have to decide what I can give up or promise now." as well as telling me she loves me.... i just hope we can get to be on the same page, or at least the same novel! I do adore this girl, and from the way she still looks at me i know its still there for her too, its just practicalities and is it is actually possible... Any advice, again, much appreciated... Thanks

I see your point @JoyfulCompany. The issue is she was the one who wanted to meet up the first time last week, and the one telling me she misses me more now than she ever has done, and that although she is dating, its not serious and its not me... At the same time, these are things she has been telling me for a number of months, so i dont think its a light hearted decision, i just feel that now some decision needs to be taken as otherwise we need to go completely no contact (perhaps selfishly on my part). We did this before and i started 'recovering' but then when i heard from her again that all went to pot... I completely agree with you that the hardest part would come once we tried to re-establish the relationship- if that is what she wants ultimately. I am just finding the whole situation of not knowing very tricky in terms of how to handle it..I would just find it all a shame for us not to give it one final goal knowing how much we miss each other when we are not together (even in an LDR) Hoping that makes sense to you, Thanks for reading....

Hi @SooSad33 thanks for your reply. Yes indeed the first time she ended it was over distance- as it had been a year between seeing each other. I also thought the 'missing' each other would get better over time, but she tells me she thinks about me more now then she did when she split with me, which is what i dont understand..Also she has been messaging me daily since we saw each other, which we havent done in a long time (initiated by her).. Surely if she didnt want a relationship she wouldnt do this? Or again maybe im reading too much into it... @MissCanuck, Thanks for your msg. I didnt mean she didnt have her senses about her in general, i just meant it may reinforce positive feelings she has for me. You may be correct in the fact that this isnt what she wants, but then why meet up again with me? Why tell me that she doesnt know what to do instead of just saying look i cant be in an LDR. The scared point was more about control- i think this was one of the reasons she moved to the US in the first place as she wanted to take back control during covid times. She doesnt like to be out of control of her feelings (who does...) so i think is worried that if we did get back together she would feel forced to come back to europe when then potential better job situation would be in the US... I hope that makes sense...

Some of my friends work in the same field as me and she is giving a talk at my old institute and will see them there... As is say- complicated! 🙂

Thanks Tattoobunnie- appreciated- problem is in our line of work its always temp contracts.... but indeed you are right, and i should accept that- that if she really wanted to be with me then she would make it a priority...

Thanks both Should i just cancel our meeting later in the week? She is also seeing some old friends of mine before then so i hoped they may speak some sense into her, or make her realise what she is missing... I think if communication is kept open we could do LDR, which, last time didnt happen due to various reasons... I know it wont be easy, but surely it could all be worth it in the end? Thanks again

Thanks Rose, I know you are probably correct. I would just like to give the long distance thing a go in non-covid times... I would be able to get out there every 3 months or so i would hope, which is a big difference to us not seeing each other for a year as it was the first time... I guess i just have to wait to see what her thoughts are later in the week and leave her be for now.. If, indeed, she doesnt want to try, then i really do need to remove her from my live completely and tell her that if she does come back to europe to look me up and we will see where we both are... Thanks again