EdnaMarie35

My initial gut instinct would say yes, she is probably at minimum flirtatiously speaking with other guys, or worst case actually getting physical with these other guys. 
 

I’m sorry you are going through this in the relationship. I have been there so I know how it feels. My opinion is it’s time to let go of the relationship, it is indeed toxic.

It won’t be easy but it will be worth your sanity and peace. Best of luck ❤️

On 9/6/2022 at 11:07 AM, boltnrun said:

What's up with all the digging up of old threads?

I still check back from time to time for new opinions 😉

I do agree with everyone, tell your mom what’s going on. She needs to change her passwords immediately and also get a new up address for your home. I know at that age it can feel like your parents are against you but they really love you more than life itself and will do almost anything to protect you. I think I was 15 when I realized that my mom is my #1 supporter and best friend. She can help you get out of this in the safest way possible. To answer your question no, you are not a cheater. You are in a tough place and at your age it’s honestly a whirlwind of emotions. But keep your head up and stay focused on your well being. Also maybe taking some time without a relationship after this is over with would be helpful. It’s easier when you have a “rebound” but it might just end up hurting the “rebound” person and creating for pain for you in the long run. I really hope you find the courage to remove the toxic person form your life and confide in your mom for help ❤️

The long awaited update:

yesterday I found out I have Covid, my boyfriend was already at work and I told him that he should come home to my house and not go by his dads after work and expose him to Covid (his dad is 67). He says “we will see how it goes”, I wasn’t going to argue with him while he’s at work so I get off the phone and a few hours later text him and tell him that he should really consider the risks of going to his dads house and I really don’t think it’s a good idea. He sends back a trump meme with a hand movement of “whatever” implying it’s not a big deal. I am now immediately alarmed, what is so important at his dads house that he is willing to risk his dads well being? I then said to please call me right when you get off work. I wanted to further convince him not to see his dad when he could have Covid. He doesn’t call, it’s almost 6pm so I text him “everything okay?” He text back yes he is on his way home now to his dads and just gonna grab clothes and head home to my house. I call him right away. I am upset he is going to go expose his dad, I asked him to call me so why didn’t he? I said to him clearly there is something extremely important to you that you need to go there everyday and im super sketched out, and I think he should come here and talk about this. He was angry.

He gets here, I ask again what is so important at your dads house? Why can’t I just wash your clothes you have with you? Do you really plan on going to work?

He says-I was just going to run in real quick 

I say something is being hidden there’s a reason, I have a gut feeling and I want us to just be open and honest so that I can understand.

He claims 3 times there’s nothing being hidden and I am just trying to pick out flaws.

I persist that I know in my gut that there is a reason and somethings being hidden from me.

He finally says he has attachment issues with his dad, he doesn’t want to up and leave him.

I ask so you think your sister up and left him?

He says yeah pretty much.

I ask does your dad expect you to live with him forever? He doesn’t expect you to move out, get married and start a life and family of your own?

He says yeah he would probably love it if I lived with him forever 

I said well what do you want?

He says he wants to get married and have a family and admits he is afraid of the commitment, especially since he can tell there is a distance between us and he thinks I don’t like him anymore. 

I admit I am resentful and it probably does show. 

I explain the reasons I am resentful, circling back to the lack of willingness to commit to our relationship and the sketchy living here not living here situation. I finally say okay I am going to be honest with what I think is happening. I think you watch porn excessively and  that is why you are going to your dads house everyday. I think you are embarrassed of it and don’t want to admit to me that is what’s going on. 

He immediately denies and says that 2 months ago when I voiced to him how it hurt me that he was watching porn everytime I left the house, that he hasn’t watched it since. 

I say I don’t believe you.

He says it’s the truth, looks me in my eyes. 

I said do you swear that’s the truth?

Again looking me in my eyes says I swear that’s the truth. 

I said okay can I see your phone?

He hands it to me willingly. 

I search the history and begin to see porn sites 4-5 days out of the week for the past month. I say outloud to him a list of porn that he watched and then said oh yeah that was even on my birthday. Oh and look the next day you got off work, went to your dads and watched theses porn videos and then came over my house to have company over and have sex with me later that day.

I say to him, how could you look me in my face and lie just now? I gave every opportunity.

He is speechless for a while.

He claimed he would have never told me about it and didn’t think that spouses should discuss that. Also tried the “all guys watch it” but I shut that down with the no, not everyday, it’s clearly a problem don’t you think so? He says no.

I say how it hurts me, and how does he jack off in secrecy and still have sex with me the same day? Isnt it difficult to cum twice with only a few hours between? Is this why you havent been “as hard” as you used to be? 

He claims he doesn’t jack off everytime he watches it. 

I say that it is even more hurtful, because it isn’t some sort of release or stress relief then. Does he have fantasies I cannot fulfil? Why does he feel the need to watch pornography he isn’t masturbating?

He claims he has watched it this way since he was 13.

I said it seems like a deep rooted addiction and I think he needs help.

He says no it’s not a big deal and he will just stop.

I asked him why he would not come clean to me when I just asked him? And then again when I directly asked about the porn he lied straight to my face, how can you so easily and willingly lie to me?

He doesn’t really have a response.

I ask him if he claims he’s spending quality time with his dad when he does there, where is his dad while he’s watching the porn? Does he watch it while he’s sitting right next to him having a conversation? It doesn’t make sense.

he says no, he would watch it in his bedroom. So I say then when are you spending anytime with your dad like you claim you are? It’s not adding up. But he swears up and down the reason of going to his dads everyday is not to watch porn but because he is extremely attached to him.

I tell him how about I be like the girls he watches?  If I start doing cam girl videos it’s only on screen just like the porn he watches right? It’s not cheating because I’m not interacting with anyone, just on screen like he does. He says it’s different and I say how? If anything I’m becoming more like the girls that you seek out to watch everyday instead of me the actual person you are with. You should like me more then right? He says no and of course “the porn has nothing to do with me” and that he is attracted to me. I then argue the point that he isn’t looking up porn of 130 lb brunettes, he is watching porn literally of girls who are opposite of me in everyway when it comes to looks, and that’s hurtful. It makes me feel so unattractive and just disgusted and unwanted and not enough. 

He says he understands and that he will just stop watching it. 

I say well you just lied to my face, how am I supposed to believe you will just stop? When in my opinion it’s a serious addiction and needs help to break it. Why wouldn’t he just tell me what I wanted to hear in the future, continue watching it and then just delete the history after?

He doesn’t have a response. I say I just can’t believe you lied to me, how can I ever trust what you say?

It circles back to the bigger problem of our commitment and trust issues with each other.

I say that I think we need to be open and honest with each other or else our relationship cannot work, these are things we need to talk out and come to an understanding on so that we can move forward without paranoia, resentment, and stop the distance it has put between us. 

I felt better to finally get everything out on the table, but at the same time he just showed me he is a liar, and will lie to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. And I hate that, how do you trust after being lied to, whether it’s big or small? I suppose I will find out if it is possible, in my experience in the past after being lied to, it only creates more paranoia and distrust. Sorry I know that my decisions and actions are not what some of you have advised me, but I’ve done a lot of thinking and talking with my best friend and I decided before this conversation that if he is willing to admit these “flaws” and talk them out to work through them as partners in life then I am willing to work through them, but if he was unwilling and just “shuts down” on me then the relationship will never work due to lack of honesty and communication. He did deny, lie and shut down at first, I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t ask to see his phone and prove that he was lying? I’m still hurt, but at least everything is out in the open and we are both willing to work through it together. I know that I am not perfect either, I have flaws, the painfully obvious one being trust issues/paranoia of betrayal. I’d like to blame it on previous trauma, but I acknowledge I am more extreme than the average person when it comes to this. I told him if the way I am in this respect is bothersome to him then I am willing to talk about that and work on it, but I also told him I am being transparent with who I am and you can choose if you are willing to accept how I am or not. I asked him to please give me the same, don’t hide these parts of your life or who you are, be open and honest with me and let me choose how I Feel, don’t force a fake reality on me.

We both agreed that we need to resolve the issues of the trust he has broken with me, and the resentment I have towards him before we can move forward. I mentioned that we are in a catch 22 situation, he is “afraid” of committing to our relationship and I see that. So in turn I became increasingly paranoid as to why? Why even be in this with me if you aren’t going to BE in this with me? So I grew resentful and waited for him to show me he is ready for this. But when I became resentful he then became even more afraid to commit any further. So something’s gotta give here right? Time will tell…… Thanks everyone for your continued support ❤️

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If you knew he  was never going to marry you would you stay or go.  How long would you stay.  You figure out what your "more time" date is and on that date you are ready to move on.  He hasn't told you what "little more time" means and he's staying in the mornings -because you asked him - so it's still stalling.  If he'd said "I need until the end of the summer -labor day weekend -so I can [insert concrete actions] and then I want us to [insert concrete plan for the two of you] -that would be different.

You’re right, he did just leave it ambiguous like he has before. That is a great idea, I am going to set a time limit for myself what I feel is appropriate to “wait” and from there if I feel I deserve more than I am getting I will consider letting this relationship go as it has proved to be going not where I want to be. I can’t thank you and everyone enough for the advice, reassurance, and confidence to figure this all out for myself. I really felt like I was going crazy two weeks ago and finding this forum has really helped me sort things out in my head as best I can. Thank you 🙏 

On 7/7/2022 at 10:35 AM, lostandhurt said:

Edna,

 Many times on this forum someone posts a thread about an issue in their lives and as the thread goes on the onion is peeled back and the real issues are exposed.

 This isn't about porn, this isn't about his mom or dog dying.

This is about a guy that has one foot out the door at all times after 2 years.  "I love you" "I want to marry you" I want to have children" "I want a life with you" These are all just words but his actions clearly say something else.

 You are right to feel like the relationship is stuck in neutral because it is. I don't see anything bonding you two together really after nearly two years.

  Everything he has told you are just excuses not to move forward in the relationship.  He can visit his father anytime he wishes and still live with you. The loss of his mother and dog didn't stop him from getting into a relationship with you so why are they stopping him from moving forward in the relationship?

 I agree with Wiseman, you are doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship, providing a place to visit, have sex, hang out and then bail with no ties to it at all. 

 I am sorry but you are at best a part time girlfriend and he is unwilling to make you more than that in his life.

  I suggest this not to punish him or scare him into action but to allow you to clear your head and see things clearly without the fog of love obscuring your vision.

 I think you should let him know you would like several days to think about your life and how he fits into it so you can decide how YOU want to move forward.  This means no contact at all so you can spend a few days 4-6 to clear all the excuses and justifications from your mind and see this as clearly as possible.  You should suggest he does the same thing and then you both can sit down and talk about what each of you want for your futures.  Let him go first and see if it matches what you want.

   You are so close to this right now and your heart wants what it wants so you are ignoring a lot of red flags.  Don't feel bad it happens to all of us.

  Don't let anyone shame you for wanting more, don't let anyone make you question why you want to live with your bf and never apologize for wanting a life where you wake up next to the man you love each and everyday.

 Lost

Thank you, Lost. I agree with your suggestion and pretty much everything you said. I do need to decide how I want to move forward and that is a big struggle for me. It’s hard not to be upset with him each and every day that’s gone by. And it really is not a happy way to live. I was feeling desperate last weekend and I directly asked him to stay here in the mornings, which might have been out of emotion but he has been staying here in the mornings. he still goes to his dads after work and showers there then comes here.  I have since had another talk with him about how I feel about the relationship and moving forward. I expressed that I am sad that he always has one foot out the door. I told him the things that I want and thought we would already have in our relationship (which is what I’ve mostly already explained here) and asked him what he wants and thinks. He said he does want these things with me but to just “given him a little more time”. To me more time feels like just becoming more distant, and me growing more resentful because of it. I so badly want to say to him if you want this then man up and be part of it but I know that is insensitive and shouldn’t be said. This is really great advice, I do need to spend a few days apart and really figure out what I want for myself and my life, and what I deserve. I can’t thank you enough for your help and support ❤️

9 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I think it’s admirable that you’re thinking about the relationship critically. Most people enter relationships and get caught with feelings and proceed regardless of the dynamics being very skewed and unbalanced. 

I’d be very concerned if he and you aren’t able to see eye to eye on finances and your contributions currently or if you feel shy or too self-conscious to bring up this issue. It does seem that you’re both not ready to move in or spend this much time together on a regular basis. Be clearer about your expectations. Also, it’s horribly hard to get someone out once they move in. Be wary in general letting this man into your home permanently with these issues going on. 

Thank you. Yes it is concerning, and I have tried to bring it up a few times in a gentle way as to not make him feel attacked or like I am trying to force him to do things he does want to do. I voiced to him that I would like that I have been sad because I feel that he does not want to take the next steps in our relationship and he said that he noticed and can tell I am upset. He then said that all of these “things” I consider moving forward in our relationship would happen after marriage in his mind. I said okay why haven’t you asked me to marry you yet? He says he is apprehensive because he’s never been in a relationship this long and a friend of his just got married and divorced a year later. I didn’t want to keep pressing this issue because I didn’t want to put pressure or force him to do something he doesn’t want to. But in my mind I’m thinking what kind of bs excuse is that? And after we are married then I can learn of his porn habits? What if he has terrible credit and owes a bunch of money? I feel that these are things we should know each other before getting married. What I did say was something along the lines of if you are afraid to lose me then wouldn’t you want to marry me? He said he has been waiting for the “2year” mark and that it’s really expensive to get married and he isn’t prepared financially yet.

You’re right, if I ask him to not stay here anymore it would probably end the relationship or damage it to point we wouldn’t be able to come back from it. At the same time if I do tell him I don’t want him to stay here anymore and the reason why then I’m basically giving him an ultimatum to either actually live here with me as a partner or leave which I feel would be forcing him. At this point I guess I am realizing words are only words, his actions show how he truly feels and it’s apparent that for whatever reason he doesn’t want to move our relationship forward. I am resentful about this and it reflects on my everyday life and he knows it and does nothing about it. This is a sad situation for me and unless he magically decided to step up I don’t think anything will change. I guess my only solution is to tell him how I feel again, but maybe unfiltered. It might just cause a fight or scare him away and if it does then I guess my decision will be made for me.

7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

The fact alone that he comes to your home after work and spends the night there every night without paying a dime for any electricity and cable and water shows he doesn't really care about you and lacks the normal ethics and empathy of a decent human being.

I feel embarrassed to ask him to pay some bills, I feel like he should offer. I know you don’t know him but do you really think that makes him a terrible person lacking empathy? What if he just doesn’t have the money and is embarrassed to admit that? Don’t get me wrong I do agree with you on this, but not that he’s a terrible person for it. I appreciate your opinion on it, it is very helpful.h

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

When things don't make sense, pay attention, such as his super early morning visits to his father. Even if he wasn't just going there to watch porn, do you really want to be with someone who chooses to visit a parent daily? My elderly Dad, lives within 10 minutes of me, and I stop by there once or twice a week, which to me is normal. If my husband went to see a parent daily, I'd think of this as too overly involved--an unhealthy balance of his time.

This is true, I felt this way before I discovered the porn history. Going there everyday twice a day was weird to me and he dismissed me the few times I tried to bring it up. My thinking is when we have children is he just going to wake up and leave me with them while he goes to his dads every morning and after work everyday? But that’s the thing I can’t force him to, and I’ve never demanded him to. The only things I’ve said are asking him to officially move in and telling him that I he can keep his work clothes here so he doesn’t have to go there in the morning to which he replied he will fall back asleep if he doesn’t get up and leave… I never questioned further because I didn’t want to offend or put pressure on him about it. I wanted to let him know how I feel and make his own decision about it.

15 minutes ago, Andrina said:

And when a person has nothing but excuses for not moving a relationship forward, well, in my mind, I would never be with anyone who, after being with me almost two years, wasn't 100 percent confident in building a forever life with me.

That’s how I am feeling, his actions are different than the words he tells me. He tells me he does want a life with me forever and to get married and have children. I’m struggling what to believe.

17 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Everyone has minor flaws, but when a person has one or more major, dealbreaker flaws, you walk away

Very true. That’s why I am here asking these questions. I am trying to figure out for myself if this is a major flaw or if it is a minor flaw I can live with. I guess it’s apparent these are major issues. Thank you for your opinion it really is appreciated ❤️

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just stop letting him stay over no-strings attached, then pressuring him to get married. You are acting one way (accepting someone coasting along free-loading) and saying another. He freeloads off his father, so why off freeload off you since you allow it?

 Also stop talking about nonsense like car insurance and joint accounts. You are stepping on the gas heavily and he's pumping the brakes steadily. 

Now it's "only fans" to blame why he doesn't want to buy a cheap ring? That is as illogical as thinking his checking out is due to porn "addiction". He's distancing himself from your pressure and checking out. But you don't want to accept that.

He does NOT have to discuss his finances with you because you are NOT married. You Stop letting him sleepover/freeload. It's that simple. it's the only leverage you have.

Talking at him with wild accusations about 'porn addiction' and 'only fans' spending is not helping. You need to change the dynamic and tell him to collect his stuff and not sleep over.  Otherwise you are fostering his complacency and freeloading.

He's not moving in because he doesn't want to. He's not buying a ring because he doesn't want to. But you prefer to believe this porn addiction and paid webcam girls theory.

It is true that I am pressing the gas while he is pressing the brakes, and I guess I’m trying to figure out why. It’s not like I’ve been making demands of these things our entire relationship, I’m just at the point now where i feel we need to either move forward or we need to start questioning what we are doing together if we are not moving forward.

I can tell he is distancing himself, that’s why all of this is even happening. I’m not in denial of it, I’m trying to figure out why. You say it’s the pressure I am putting on him, but I don’t understand that. Do you mean because I talked to him last weekend about how I want to move forward and do these things with him? Again I’m not demanding, we aren’t arguing about any of this, I feel I have just been shy in our relationship when it comes to talking about how we feel because I am afraid to “scare him off”. We have only talked seriously about our relationship maybe 3 times in the past 2 years. I have been in my opinion patiently waiting and am running a little thin on it at this point. do you mean I should never talk with him about our relationship if I am feeling this way?

I also don’t 100% think he has a full blown porn addiction, everyone has there own scale of opinion but that’s what my original question was on this post. I came here to ask if people think this is an addiction and if I should be worried? I’m not dead set that this is 100% the case with him. I’m also not bothered by it to an extreme degree, I am a reasonable person and would be willing to accept this behavior if I understood more. Just the initial discovery of this and all of these factors combined is just a real blow to my confidence in the relationship and in myself. I just want to clarify I’m not being an extreme and demanding person in this. I guess I type a lot of what I am feeling in my posts but not all of this has been discussed or said to one another and maybe that can be misunderstood. I appreciate your input ❤️

46 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

-by doing the things you're commanding him to do and sharing all his personal finances with you and his financial situation.  Doesn't work that way, sorry. And it's really off-putting to most reasonably secure people.  

I didn’t command anything, I simply voiced to him that to me discussing finances is something that we would do moving forward in our relationship. He said he isn’t ready for that yet and I said okay. We don’t argue, and I don’t make commands of him ever. This is not a toxic relationship, even thought the past few weeks I have let my insecurities overcome me and I am aware that my snooping is not a good trait.

49 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Trust him as to how he handles money -you don't trust him and he knows it so he figures - these porn sites don't try to control me and my every move and try to get me to buy a cheap ring and propose

I do trust him and how he handles his money, we never discuss what we spend on anything with each other. I’m not sure why you would think he thinks I am controlling his every move, I’m trying to think of a reason or something that would indicate this but i have never demanded any of these things from him. When I explained to him I don’t need a big fancy ring because I don’t care about how much money you spend on it, that’s not what matters. To which he responded he knows that but he thinks I deserve something big and fancy and wants to be able to give that to me.

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd have run really really fast if he'd treated me like you are treating your partner. 

This was a little hurtful, I’m curious what you mean by the way I am treating him? Because I am snooping in his phone you mean? Or what other things at I doing that are wrong? I’d like to correct them if I can understand

15 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I don’t think this is about a porn addiction at all, OP. Sorry. 

He isn’t ready for what you want and is afraid to commit. He responds to your detachment with detachment also and doesn’t approach you with intimacy when you equally withdraw. You went through his phone and he may be having more reservations about you. 

Why do you see yourself with someone who doesn’t share the same enthusiasm and goals as you?

This is a good point. I guess I am just now realizing that I’ve believed what he has been saying but not his actions. And I’m at the point where things should’ve happened by now if they were going to so that’s kind of why I came here is to figure out for myself if I can still see myself with him or not.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's a lot more than porn policing and confronting going on here.

He doesn't want to live together, be your tenant or pay rent.

He has not made one step in the direction you wish.

No engagement, no proposal, no desire to have a family.  Right now he's just camping out there overnight and using it as a free storage unit and BNB.

Policing his phone and confronting him about porn and masturbating is not the solution. That's not the reason he won't commit to you.

Sadly you want a home together, husband and family. But he does not. It's easy to google "porn addiction" and run down that road.

It's harder to face the truth that he's just camping at your place for now and doesn't want what you want.

It's a lot less painful to think that he is addicted to porn (thus he's the problem), than it is to face the truth that you've overinvested for years begging and chasing for a morsel of commitment and love from a guy who's just coasting along and doesn't want a future with you.

I’ve thought this too, so that is why I have asked him on multiple occasion what he wants in this relationship and he tells me straight up that he wants to marry me and wants to have kids and a family life together. In our most recent talk that was the main topic, and I told him the things that would be moving forward in our relationship are things like, staying here in the morning/actually moving in, getting things in our names or together such as car insurance (we would even get a better price on the same plan but he said no to that twice), Changing his address, paying a portion of the bills and getting married. I told him I’ve expected these things to happen over the past year and now I’m at the point where I believe you don’t want to move forward in these ways. He claimed that he did want to move forward but that he was just apprehensive because this is the longest relationship he’s ever been in and is basically afraid to commit to all of those things because none of his relationships have ever lasted in the past and doesn’t want to get “screwed over”. Which is a bull*** excuse honestly. I asked him why haven’t you proposed yet then? If you’re so afraid you might lose me then why not ask me to marry you? He claims his reason is wanted to wait until after 2years of our relationship which is in august, and for financial reasons. My other concern I have about that is if you’re staying here not paying any bills how have you not saved up enough money for a cheap ring? I’m not a rich person and I don’t expect big fancy things. I’ve asked before what do you spend all your money on and never really get an answer. He also won’t really discuss finances with me. That is another things I said that moving forward as a couple we would need to do. I’m almost wondering if he is spending all his money on something like onlyfans. That would be the only explanation I could see. Do you think I should tell him that this is what I want in our relationship and if we don’t do these things then we shouldn’t be together? If he does want to do all these things I mention you think I should just be okay with him watching porn all the time even when it makes me feel so terrible about myself?

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So that's the issue I see -you see sharing physical space where he officially lives with you as part of strengthening your emotional commitment and as some sort of step to getting married. He doesn't. I never did - never saw living together as some sort of increased emotional commitment -we moved in together when we married. 

Before that we spent lots of time at one of our places - but we each had our own place.  Had no bearing on our bond or commitment or readiness for marriage.  What did was deciding to conceive a child -we were older, we tried before marriage - and deciding that I would relocate for his job. 

And moving in would have actually hurt us because a few months after marriage we were sharing my 550 square foot apartment with our newborn and all his stuff.  Living together as parents of a newborn is nothing like just two people living together. So that way I had no expectations of what it would be like living together.

You see it as moving forward in your commitment. He does not.  So it doesn't matter to him if he spend most nights with you at your place as far as whether you two get married.  If he wants marriage he will propose to you and then logistically you'll move in together as an engaged couple or a married couple (I think sometimes engaged couples move in because the lease is up and the wedding is soon)

 

I understand that, and also I get that “traditionally” or for religious reasons people think the way is to get married, then move in together. My mom always taught me that don’t truly know a significant other until you live with them and has always said to live with someone before you marry them. So far life has also taught me that is so true. Living together makes it hard to hide parts of yourself that you otherwise could if you lived apart. From the little things like eating munchies in bed to the big things (in this case the - in my opinion - obsessive porn watching). I think to myself that if we changed our morning habits then he would break his habit of watching porn. Realistically it’s probably just wishful thinking on my part. But now that’s my hope I guess.

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No in general -what is your purpose in having him move in with you?

I want him to move in because I want to move forward in our relationship, get married, and start having children. We even talk about it and he says it’s what he wants too, but it doesn’t seem like we are moving forward in any way. And now this happened 😔

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you want him to move in? 

Do you mean why do I want him to move in even after finding all of this out?

On 6/30/2022 at 12:06 PM, Andrina said:

Sadly, addictions usually always win out over any person in the addicts life. It takes an epiphany for a person to no longer be an addict, either by will power or professional treatment.

What would I do in your shoes? Be honest with how you feel. I'd say something like:

"I hoped to build a beautiful life with you. However, during the last 8 months, there's been an emotional connection lacking in intimacy. What I've read about how regular porn viewing scares me. It can actually change the neurons of the brain where a person's go-to for excitement ends up being the porn instead of a live human being.

You argue the point, so even if you think your amount is normal or minimal, the fact is whatever the amount you're engaging in now, is affecting you.

I love you and want a lifetime with you, but don't see that happening unless major changes take place. I'd like to book an appt. for us to go to a therapist to work together to improve our relationship."

If he balks and refuses therapy, unfortunately he's choosing the addiction over you. People who care will comply to reasonable requests, wanting their partner to be happy, and facing embarrassment and tough effort to overcome the addiction and/or issue.

I know how it feels to have a great beginning that falls apart, and you hang on, hoping for the good stuff to return. It's only good to wait around for change, however, if your partner actively begins the effort needed to get mentally healthy. If he doesn't, you have to then do the hard task of moving on for your own good.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

This is the most level headed response I could have, it is just going to be very difficult to bring up. I don’t feel that he will be very perceptive to the idea of therapy, I know the chances of fixing this without it are slim. But my blinded love brain tells me we can beat the odds. Or is this truly addiction? Some people don’t think so but some do. I will definitely keep you updated with my decision and how this ultimately plays out. Thanks so much for your honest opinion ❤️

21 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Edna

Your bf will likely never admit he has a problem or that watching porn is anything but harmless but it is causing you and the relationship harm.

Here is the definition of addiction according to Merriam-Webster

Definition of addiction

1 : a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence : the state of being addicted.

He isn't missing work or other responsibilities and he is able to perform in the bedroom so this should be relatively easy to turn around if you can someone get through to him how you feel.

 It may be while you were unable to have sex he ramped up his watching to the point he is at now but  now it is more habit than actual desire to watch.

  I have no idea how you even start this conversation.  Just don't do it in bed, wait until things are calm and you aren't tired or rushed.  I know you don't want to tell him you snooped so it may be pretty hard to get him to admit the frequency. 

I am curious what times of the day it happens.  Does he rub one out before work, one at lunch and then one on the way home?  Does he masturbate every time he watches?  Lots of questions but hard to get at.

Lost 

There is some background info I did not include in my original post because I didn’t want to make it too lengthy.

We went on our first date and then started hanging out everyday since. Our feelings for each other grew and grew each day for a few months and by then we were officially a couple. When I met him he lived at home with his dad. His mom passed away suddenly when he was seven, and his only sister (29) moved into her own gown with her now husband about 4 years ago. He would spend the night every night at my house, wake up in the morning at 6:45am and go back to his dads house for about an hour before going to work. Then after work go to his dads house, shower, visit with his dad for a few, then come to my house. We have done this for the past 2 years and I have tried to voice to him how I feel. About 1 year into the relationship I asked him to officially move in, to which he replied he already does live here. I then said to him you’ve never moved any of your belongings here and you don’t shower here. He says he has everything he needs already here, which in reality is just clothes that have accumulated over time. Nothing changed and I asked again a few times and made comments here and there, but I was polite and not seeming upset (even thought I was little) but rather excited to be moving forward in our relationship (because I really was). Each time I would just get a sarcastic reply and he would laugh it off and still nothing changed. When I asked what he does when he goes there he says just to visit with his dad which I totally understand and told him that’s not a problem I would like it if he even spent more time with his dad. But if you live here you come home home, shower, then go visit with your dad, not this weirdness that’s been happening. And I asked is your dad even up at 6:45am? His response was sometimes. Still never got any real answered so I have let it be. This went on for almost 2 years now. Since last weekend when I made my discovery of the porn watching, I decided I need to confront him because there were so many things going on that just made me feel like I’m being lied to, somethings being hidden and why does this man not want move forward with me? So I did bring it up again in the same conversation about our sex life, and the porn watching. He was quick with the response of “my mom died, then our dog died a few days later, and now Katie is moved out, I don’t just want to up and leave my dad all alone”. Which is hard to respond to because his mom is a touchy subject with him. I realized when I saw the porn (and have been honestly still looking at it daily to see if he still is watching it) that he was watching it in the morning when he goes to his dads to “visit” before work. I even asked him if that’s what does when he goes there and straight up said no. I let him think I believed it though. I’m not ready for confrontation yet so I said it’s okay if you’re not ready to fully live here yet but I would like it if you did and it would be moving our relationship forward. I also wonder is he actually masturbating when he’s watching it just straight up watching it like a tv show? I’m also not sure. But I know I gave him a blow job on Tuesday night before we went to bed and he woke up the next morning, went to his dads and watched porn. I decided yesterday to tell him that I want him to stay here in the mornings because I miss waking up next to him, and we could make breakfast together before work, and maybe even some morning sex here and there. I could tell in his face he didn’t really want to say yes, he would never admit that though. He said yes he would and then this morning he did stay until about 7:20 and then said he had to go back to his dads before work to get his boots and some drill bits. I am currently at home waiting for him to come home from his other home… lol. It’s a strange dynamic and I feel like this definitely plays a part. Because if we actually lived together I feel like I would’ve found out about this sooner or it would even be happening at all

7 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Running experiments or tests on your relationship is probably not a good idea.  I know you are hoping it will all work out and you can stay together with good results from your survey but you cannot compete with porn nor should you have to.

  I know talking about this is hard but the alternative is breaking up so which is harder?  Which will hurt more?

 Bring up it up again but this time as a concern after you have gotten some good info on the affects of porn on a relationship.  Ask him straight out how often he watches porn.  Everyone lies about how often or even if they look at porn so be prepared for less than the total truth but it should be somewhere close.  He will not want to look like some porn addict so he will at least cut it by half more than likely.

The key here is to keep the discussion going so he can understand how much his porn watching ultimately hurts you, your self image, your feeling of being wanted and desired and your sense of security and self worth in the relationship.

 This is a problem for you and he needs to know this.  It simply is not fair to either of you to break up over this without making sure he knows all the facts and feelings on your side of this.

  This could be a bad habit he needs to break but until he really sees and feels the impact it is having on you he is not likely to make a change.

  This is tough territory to cover but you have every right to express your feelings and be heard.

  Don't try and out sex his desire to watch porn, don't try and be these fake women he is watching, just be the woman he fell in love with.  If that isn't enough then he has made your choice for you hasn't he?

  Keep posting

 Lost

You’re right and I know that is toxic trait to start tracking and collecting data, it’s hard to explain but it’s like if I don’t see and know all of this stuff I feel anxiety-like sick to my stomach. But I also know I shouldn’t have be made to feel this way, if I was able to trust him I wouldn’t feel compelled to do any of these things to snoop. It is possible I have apprehensions about trusting in general, like maybe I’m a little damaged in that way. But I needed your reminder to be myself and not try to be someone I am not. Thanks, Lost ❤️ This is really great advice. I can’t say enough how much I appreciate your help and support. This is my first time posting anything here and I’m overwhelmed with the response, advice and support.

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What happened 8 months ago? You seem to describe an abrupt turnabout in his interest. He's probably masturbated to porn since puberty, so what makes you think it's that? You seem to have stumbled across one piece of the puzzle but there's more to this.

Was there a change in jobs? Finances? In his life, yours?  Changes in mental or physical health? Changes in the amount of time you spend together? Or go out or communicate or affection in general?

Wow… I just realized what happened 8 months ago and could possibly be related. Pre-cancerous cells were found on my cervix and I had a procedure to remove the cells. There is as 2-3 weeks recovery period where I couldn’t have sex. But I still did oral at least a few times during that period. I’m not sure if this is relavent, maybe it’s something else but this is the o my thing I can think of.

9 hours ago, SherrySher said:

It's actually a big deal, yes.

He is picturing women in a porn, instead of focusing on the woman in his life. 

You can pretend that it doesn't hurt, but it does. And you know what? Lots and lots of women feel the same way as you.

Porn watching from one partner can most definitely affect the intimacy, the closeness and if he is watching it that much, it will start to affect his ability to have a decent sex life.

It also bashes your ego, and that's also normal to feel that way.

Not many women can honestly say that they feel good about their significant other getting hot over another woman (even if it is on screen).

He could also start to have issues getting aroused (which it sounds like he already does). He will start having issues being able to maintain and erection, and he will start to have problems having an orgasm.

He is getting his brain so used to being hard wired to porn, that he is ruining the quality of his sex life with you, his partner.

It's a real thing, don't dismiss it and think it's made up.

These issues in particular has been noticed far more in this generation than any other due to the availability of porn.

It's becoming a definite issue with younger guys (under 35) having far more problems then ever with their sex lives, and the majority of it comes down to porn.

Lastly, please stop diminishing your own feelings by confusing yourself and trying to convince yourself that what he's doing doesn't matter....that "all guys do it". Or that it's not a big deal.

Has everyone over a certain age most likely seen porn? Probably. But does everyone (even guys) watch it to that degree? No...not everyone does.

Believe it or not, there are men out there who are more than happy with their partner and don't need porn like that.

I think todays society are so used to the idea of porn that they try to normalize it, when normalizing watching other people have sex in the most graphic way, really isn't normal, you know?

At least not to the level of needing/wanting to see it to that degree where it's an every day thing.

YOU are allowed to not like it. YOU are allowed to want to be with a partner who isn't watching porn to this degree. YOU are allowed to even be disgusted with it.

You're not alone, lots of women feel the same and prefer to find a partner who isn't needing/or wanting to watch porn on a daily basis like this (and yes, men like that do exist!).

I know you love him, but he is into porn.

You can either end things with him and try to find someone who doesn't need porn like this, or you can push your feelings down inside of you, ignore you needs, convince yourself that it doesn't matter, that you're "cool" with it.

But eventually it will blow up. 

You and he aren't the same when it comes to this issue and you will be hurt by it if you stay.

Sometimes the person you really want to be with, just can't, or won't ever be the person you want them to be.

 

I needed to hear this, thank you for validating my feelings. It’s hard to judge whose right and wrong when I’m in the middle of this. I’m so heart broken, everything else about him is everything I’ve ever hoped I would find in love. Like you said unless he stops, this will continue and things probably will turn bad in the end. The only way it could get better would involve me being so controlling of his internet usage and even then it can all be so easily hidden. I’m curious on your opinion on my plan to “track” the says of sex and porn use I mentioned above?

9 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Your boyfriend enjoys porn. It's got nothing to do with you and how attractive you are. 

He still would be looking at porn regardless of who is was dating.

He does have an addiction to it, and he's kidding himself that's it's fine with saying "every guy watches porn".

He's watching it to an excess, and no, it's not healthy.

What can you do about it? Unfortunately, not a lot.

You could possibly suggest to him that he has a problem, but no doubt he wouldn't agree with you and you'd get into an argument.

Anyone that has an addiction, won't believe they have a problem unless they decide for themselves they have a problem.

No one else will be able to convince them.

If your boyfriend doesn't see an issue, he won't stop watching porn.

If you complain, he will just find ways to watch it in a more sneaky manner.

The only thing you can do is to decide if you want to deal with a boyfriend who is going to constantly watch porn, or leave him.

But you cannot force, or guilt, or punish, or demand he stop.

He's going to have to want to stop on his own, and by the sounds of it, he doesn't want to stop.

All emotions aside this is exactly what it comes down to. You’re right it’s ultimately up to me to decide if I can be okay with his porn watching habits. I guess my apprehensive mind thinks that if porn is actually causing our lack of sex problem right now, it will only get worse in the future and do I want to risk putting more into this relationship if it’s only going to crash and burn later because we aren’t sexual anymore because of his porn addiction? This is the choice I’m struggling with, love is blinding and it’s hard to make a rational decision. I appreciate your input, I will likely come back your post and read it many times for help in my decision.

9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I agree you shouldn't just give up on an otherwise good relationship with someone you are in love with.

If the relationship is to survive he needs to stop watching porn on his own accord, not because you police him like you are his parent. That will lead to resentment and a breakup.

  Saying he is addicted is not accurate.  Look up addiction and the symptoms. Does he watch way to much porn?  Absolutely but I don't think a clinician would diagnose addiction yet.

 He has a beautiful woman that wants to be intimate with him and yet he chooses fantasy instead of real life.  That is the question that needs to be posed to him.  Why is he watching porn so often? Does he think it is a problem? Does he think it is affecting the intimacy in the relationship? 

In the end he has to want to stop and if he doesn't it will only get worse.  He will begin to loose his erection with you, avoid intimacy and then finally use porn for all his wants and needs.

  Ultimatums are not a good idea so don't threaten breaking up over porn.  You can talk to him about your concerns and say things like "I don't see how our relationship can continue when porn is ruining our intimacy"

 Good on you for speaking up and talking this out but you need to articulate to him how serious a threat to the relationship porn has become.  He needs to choose just like he is choosing to watch it so often.  If he really wants to he can stop, he needs to want to though.

The relationship is on the line so don't back away from your concerns.  Also don't let the fact that you have dated 2 years stop you from ending it if he does not step up and put you and the relationship first.

 Be brave, be smart and stick up for the relationship.

  Lost

I can’t thank you enough for this input. 2 days ago I posted this because I was at such a loss I didn’t know who to turn to or what to do. I felt that way because I did bring up to him how it made me feel but I didn’t let on that I can see his browser history and I didn’t make any demands to stop watching porn because of the exact reasons you said. I don’t want to police him and control him because he will only resent me for it in the end. I’m feeling extra hurt because even after we talked, had sex 3 days in a row he still watched porn on those same days we had sex. He doesn’t know that I know this and I haven’t brought it up because then he will know I’m looking at his history and will probably just start deleting his history. But that kind of leads me to believe that even though he knows it could be hurting us and me, he still wanted to watch it anyway assuming that I just would never know. Which makes me think he doesn’t really want to stop on his own and does not think it’s a problem in anyway. Tell me if this idea is too crazy:

my next plan is to have sex as much as we urge to with each other, and see if the problem of him not initiating is still happening then I will “track” the days he watched porn and see if that is actually affecting our sex life. I suppose it will take about a month? What are your thoughts?

3 hours ago, mical said:

I don’t think the issue is about porn, but that you either don’t trust him or worry he doesn’t care as much, in which case you should let him know that you feel this way.

I was curious what % of people watch porn and came across this - “73 percent of women and 98 percent of men reported internet porn use in the last six months, for a total of 85 percent of respondents. For porn use within the last week, the numbers were lower: 80 percent of men and 26 percent of women.”

I didn’t expect the numbers to be so high for women. Lots of naughty people out there! 😆 

This is true, it really isn’t about the porn. I’m hip to the “all guys watch it” and I watch it from time to time as well. It’s the way I described how it happens and how it makes me feel about myself. Before reading some of the responses I honestly thought to myself that this is my problem, it’s what I’m creating in my head, what’s the big deal really? And I guess it just comes down to I can’t help the way I feel, I just need to learn to cope and I am struggling with that. Thank you for your honest opinion

11 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Before you throw it away it owe it yourself to ask for change first.  Granted it may mean more of the same and the only way to know it likely more policing.  That and he may just get better at hiding it.

If you're up for it, insist on change.  That habit is hard to break but you some people are able to walk away from it.  You won't know unless you ask.  If you are not up to the struggle, noone would blame you.

For no other reason than - you'll have no regrets.

Thanks for this, thats definitely what it comes down to is if I am up to the struggle or not. I feel like I’ve already invested 2 years into this and of course I love him very much. Such a hard decision, I appreciate your help

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop giving him oral. Stop having sex with him. 

He's selfish. It's that simple. 

Don't waste your time policing his porn or rifling through his phone or lecturing him.

He's lost interest, gotten lazy and complacent and sadly you're enabling that.

Your premises are that he's "addicted" to porn.  But that's incorrect. He's selfish and you assist him in that with blowjobs and zero intimacy or relationship requirements

End it. You're sexually incompatible

Thanks for the perspective, ive never thought about it this way. I am sad to see this is my reality. I appreciate your thoughts on the situation. I can’t say I’m not heart broken…