Tom224

Brought up a story about my friend who was cheated on and seeing her demeanor change. After a week it was bothering me enough to ask. Probably should have just let it go.

Let's say it's not something they readily brought up. More like in conversation you ask if they have been unfaithful and they say 'yes'.

You're dating someone for more then a few months. You find out they have a past history of being unfaithful and on more than one occasion. What would you need from your partner to feel comfortable enough to stay?

Well I did it. Told her she needs to process things before jumping into a relationship that began 3 months after 9 years. "Do you not think I was processing things from September to December?" "People were telling me how happy I seemed with you." It's not that I think things could never work out but I want a healthy relationship. "People go through breakups and start relationships. I found someone else to move on with. Do you think i should be alone and not happy?"

She is medically diagnosed as having Cyclothymic disorder. She is already getting help with counseling and medication. There are a few people in my life with bipolar diagnosis. It didn't really bother me knowing she is getting help and when I thought the issues were from her upbringing. The more I learn the more I doubt that the issues were caused from her youth and not from the relationships that she sought out and stayed in. I think she is currently depressedabout staying in a relationship for 9 years with a guy who never had any intention of marrying her and strung her a long. Strung along according to her. Now out of the relationship she questions what she ever really had with him and lost the prime of her life by staying in the relationship. Rejection is tough even if you know you should have been the one who left.

I guess I'm looking for confirmation that I'm over analyzing the tattoo or if there is a reason for concern beyond her past struggles. I get she is struggling to put things together but I want her to be happy. If the quote mirrors what's going on in her mind then she is still looking to remain deeply rooted to her ex despite what she tells me. For her own well being I don't want to see that. I'm overly analytical to a fault and I get that. I try to look at everything objectively. Its when I can't that drives me nuts.

A quick update. Haven't seen her since we've gotten back. She started painting her condo by herself. Yesterday she wasn't feeling well (depression) so she spent most of the day in bed. Tonight she is supposed to be going to a concert. She couldn't find anyone to go with her so she is planning on going alone. I hope she does. That makes me happy. Yesterday I asked if she was still planning on getting a tattoo because she previously mentioned this. Eventually she said so my next question was what are you planning on getting? She sends me a link to her pintrest account. The first tat is a flower pattern with the words "if there is another world he lives in bliss. If there is none he made the best of this". I asked her why the epithet and she said she just likes the flower and would not get the word and the quote is about God. Maybe I'm not being logical here but it's also an epithet for fondly remembering someone you lost. But he's dead was her response. Again maybe not being logical here but I don't believe she didn't know that. She is too darn smart and has a masters in both history and language arts. The other tats were all artsy or nerdier things. Maybe it really is she just likes the design but there is a lot there.

Went on our weekend getaway. She found a friend who offered to watch the cat whenever and think she is getting comfortable leaving the cat at home if it's just for a few days. She is also painting her place without the help of the ex. We did a load of laundry to make use of the amenities. She got worked up over her ex telling her how to do laundry which has nothing to do with us. We also had a pretty in depth conversation about her past. She was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship with a guy 13 years older than her who had 2 children and a crazy ex who tried to press unfound charges against them more than once. This started when she was 23. After getting out of that relationship she met her current ex. He is 20 years older than her and filled multiple roles as a father figure, best friend, and boyfriend. She says her family didn't like him because he took her away from them but I feel there is much more to it than that. From her side he was controlling but didn't go into detail. Im curious as to why he went for her? Did he want someone much younger, was it to boost his ego after getting divorce, is he closer to someone 20 years younger than him in maturity? I asked why she stayed if he wasn't going to fulfill her life the way she wanted. She want kids, he already had 2 and didn't want more. She wanted marriage and he didn't. In hindsight she agreed. They compromised on kids by saying she could raise puppies. What happened to the puppies because they never got them? They were engaged at one time but everytime they set a date he came up with an excuse. I don't know how long that or how often that went on. They were supposed to get married in 2019 but for whatever reason they did not. Than covid came and they never got married. I told her there is another side to the story that I don't know. She stayed with him because she was content and didn't have a reason to leave him. I don't know.... In hindsight she doesn't know why she didn't leave him earlier and others have questioned her on this before. Imo marriage and kids isn't something to compromise on in a healthy relationship. Her family also isn't very keen on her wanting to jump into another relationship so soon. Supposedly that was not her plan until she met me. To her credit she has been very open with me and she is trying. I just didn't really start to piece together the full extent of things prior to the last couple of weeks

Any suggestions on how best to approach her about this?

I think she is awesome but you're right she has been through a lot and has baggage. Once you're in your 30s you have to expect there to be some. If we had met 9 years ago or even 1 year later things would be different. There are times i look at her and see the person who is everything i want. Going to do my best to let it go for the weekend and just have fun with her. At some point if we're going to continue to see eachother romantically this is a conversation we must have. The last thing I want to do is make her shell up or defensive so that's going to be tough.

Right, I don't disagree. I really think she went for him as the older man who would fix her problems and take care of her. At some point she had to come to the realization he wasn't going to marry her prior to the 9 year.

From what I know she wanted these things and questions why he would string her along if he never had any intentions of asking her. She has a wedding dress in her closet so at some point they had to have discussed it. I don't think she would have one if they didn't. Did he buy it for her without proposing? Did she buy it thinking he would come around? Were they looking at getting married and other things happened?

A friend's gf works with her and set us up. Our first date lasted 4 hours and we both had a good time. She pushed to keep seeing me and wanted to keep making plans to see eachother. I tried to slow things down knowing she was recently in a long relationship. She invited me on a 10 day trip to Europe during the summer. I'm not able to take off the time because of family health issues but suggested doing a weekend getaway so we decided on that. Together I think we're great. There aren't many people I'm comfortable enough with to be myself but I feel like I can with her without judgement. I view her as a peer and an equal and hope she sees me the same. Im happy when im with her. We have fun doing things together. She has opened about some things and when she has I only listen. I don't really know anything about the ex's new girl. She thinks he found her while still dating. Maybe she cares that she still goes to him or maybe not. She tells me it's over between them and there is no chance of them getting back together. I don't doubt her on this at all. She thinks he screwed up her life. She wanted to settle down, marry, and have kids. She gave up the job she wanted and the career she wanted. He was previously married, already had kids, and didn't want that. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking this but the possible dynamic of her last relationship is what concerns me. She was closer to his kids in age than the ex. From what she tells me her parents divorced when she was young and neither were supportive. By 12 she was the most mature person in either home. I get the way I previously phrased it does sound harsh and the only things I know about it are from what she has told me and from pictures.

She did find someone else to watch the kitten. So I guess she didn't try that hard or just went to him because it's convenient.

Well I opened up a can of worms. She did ask the ex to watch the kitten. Why him when there are other options? She says she asked others but couldn't find anyone else. I suggested boarding her or paying a pet sitter. It's just a weekend trip. Leaving Friday and coming back Sunday so it would only be for 2 days. She also says she is dropping her off when he is at work and they won't see eachother. Idk know if that is the case but that doesn't really make me feel any better. He broke up with her. She says he found someone else and never had any intention of getting remarried or specifically married to her. Just speculating but I think once she was no longer a hot 20 something year old she was no longer what he wanted and he played her. She also moved here with him from up north. So she left her family, friends, gave up her career to be with an older guy who was never going to fulfill her life the way she hoped for.

She wanted to marry him but I don't think she proposed or they were ever engaged. She was bringing the kitten to his place to watch. She says it's because the kitten is so young. But it's a cat which is a self sufficient animal. I don't think she is hooking up with but it's makes me think other things like she is looking for a reason for him to be in her life and or vice versa.

I started dating a woman about 3 months ago. We're both in our 30's. It's been awhile since I've been in a relationship. I like her a lot but potentially there are red flags. She was with her last bf for 9 years. They broke up in Sept and she moved out in Nov. We first went out early December. I don't expect her to be over him completely but need to know that she is ready to move past it. When we initially started dating she was having her ex watch her kitten when going out with me. She stopped that anymore but were going on a trip. I think she will ask him again. She also wanted to borrow something from him for our trip but told her i would just buy one. A month ago she has old pictures of them sitting out. I ask if that was him and she says yes and that she is thinking of cutting out to keep the pictures. I also found out, not from her, that he is 20 years older than her. We're 2 years apart. I don't have any moral objection to it but it makes me question the dynamic of their relationship and how healthy it actually was. Most girls in their 20s are dating men in their mid 40s. I know she was with him for 9 years and he never asked her to marry him. I don't know if I'm walking into something that isn't going to work out and don't even know if it is something I can bring up to her. If anything I want to prop her up and not make her shell up.