Help to move on
Dear all,
In September my fiancé (M.) dumped me, and I can’t seem to be able to move on. I keep on blaming myself and wondering whether I overdid certain things. I’d be very grateful to read honest advice.
I met M. some 10 years ago, he was married and cheated on his wife with me. It was a quick affair and we both went on with our lives. He got divorced and after a couple of years restarted contact with me asking me to move with him to Mexico (he’s Mexican and I’m European). I had a partner then and was doing my phd so I told him no. Yet, we continued in touch, he visited in 2014, and then in 2019. By then, I had broken up with my partner and M. kept on insisting that I moved with him, so eventually I decided to give it a go. He then proposed and I quit my job in Germany, sold my things and moved to Mexico. Before moving I asked him what if I didn’t like it in Mexico, and he said we could move back to Europe...
Once in Mexico, my job there was not as expected, I felt super useless and badly treated and when I told him he accused me of always complaining about everything. It was not until they threatened me to deport me for no reason and when three other people quit that M. believed me. During this time (this was all happening during the first month or two) I did not have many chances to meet people because of the COVID restrictions so I spent most days alone feeling down... Although I told him my being down was not his fault, his reaction was more like: I’m not happy like this, I don’t feel complete and by the way I’m never ever going back to Europe, so maybe it was better for me to go. This was for me a big shock, especially since I had left everything to move in with him...
After 4 months or so, I was sent a chat history between him and a female friend of his, who he introduced me to to be her friend, where they shared all sorts of sexual details, including sex with me before my moving to Mexico. The messages were very shocking or me because he takes about women like pieces of meat, me mocked me and my family when he came visit, made fun of some romantic things I had done for him, shared with this friend port videos between himself and a random girl (without the girls consent), bragged about having sex with his students or about how he was going to have to “****” the lady at the immigration department to get my visa. Also, while I was still in Europe applying for jobs in Mexico he had been sleeping around with people that were among his cicle of friend, to whom I was introduced without knowing... I don’t know, I felt totally stupid and humiliated. I told him and refused to see his friends (at least for a while) and we fought a lot. Although he admitted it, he kept on changing dates as to whether he’d been sleeping around while we were together apart or not. It drove me crazy. Was I overreacting? Or do you think his was a super disrespectful behaviour?
Some friend told me to leave him when I saw these messages but I guess I still loved him and had put too much at play to be with him... yet, even though I tried, I couldn’t help feeling very resentful and always snapped at some sexist comments of his (for instance, I used to work on Jordan and Egypt and was harassed by a colleague, and I told M. he was like: well, what do you women expect when you go to these countries)?
Besides this, when I quit that job, I obtained two very good contracts, which would however require me to travel regularly. His response was: if you’re gonna be travelling so much (1 month out of 6), what kind of relationship is this? We’d better break up.
I think the whole thing messed up my mind a lot and I keep on blaming myself for not having done more to safe the relationship... what do you guys think? Please, be honest.
E.
