Nfllover99

Just now, Seraphim said:

Well,  my mom was cheated on and beaten by my dad and I was sexually abused and beaten and had my knee dislocated and my head repeatedly slammed into the floor so I don’t like abusers , ok with you?

I didn’t know we were having a war on who is more relatable. No one is saying you have to like abusers, I never said I did either 

Just now, Nfllover99 said:

Wasnt trying to be funny so glad I’m not making you laugh. I’m glad you guys are letting him know what he doesn’t deserve. Kudos. Now let’s focus on what he can do to have a more successful relationship next time… be truthful, grow up, and learn respect. My mother has been divorced 2x.. both times because the men did not respect her. My step dad used to always watch porn in other rooms while my mom laid in bed crying every night wondering why she was not enough. He would lie to her about getting home late, manipúlate her, check out other women in public, and cheat on her. This man says he would never physically cheat on her, but he is already showing he is okay with hurting her feelings and disrespecting her boundaries, who is to say he won’t take it a step further and instead of porn maybe resort to prostitutes, etc. These are all things my mother went through. And yes i wanted to beat this man so bad for messing up my mother emotionally. This post hits home for me as well. I don’t think he deserves to be hit, I think we’ve all made that clear, but he also shouldn’t treat women like that especially if he says he loves them and is thinking about buying a ring. 

Just now, Seraphim said:

We are letting him know he doesn’t deserve physical abuse . Some men think it is ok if women hit them. My brother was physically abused by his beast of a wife. It is NOT OK. And men need to know that . So you are not making me laugh. 

Wasnt trying to be funny so glad I’m not making you laugh. I’m glad you guys are letting him know what he doesn’t deserve. Kudos. Now let’s focus on what he can do to have a more successful relationship next time… be truthful, grow up, and learn respect. 

On 10/20/2021 at 4:23 PM, SherrySher said:

You are taking a very deep interest in this particular post and this particular man.

That leads me to believe you are the woman in question.

I'm sorry, but you can't throw yourself into victim mode and place all the blame on him.

Is he a good boyfriend? I think from everything everyone has advised towards him, it would be a resounding, no.

He is immature, lacks standards, has low morals (to some degree), and doesn't understand that lying is never the answer. 

He should have told her right from word one, that he loves porn, and that won't ever change.

Then at least he would be fair to her, and fair to himself.

But he was a coward, and I think we can all agree on that.

However, this woman needs to take accountability for her actions too.

If a man treats her badly, she needs to get some reality, realize that this is who he is, stop justifying, stop ignoring it, stop giving chance after chance, and stop going back to him...all for the sake of some kind of toxic love, that is more fantasy, then real.

There were many signs as to who he was/is before it got as bad as it did.

She should have packed her things, told him she refuses to deal anymore, refuses to lower herself any further for a man who does not have to same standards, or outlooks as she does...and leave!!

There are only so many times he can behave badly, and she stays, where it then becomes her own fault.

 I still stand by what I said previously, he needs counselling on how to behave in a relationship and how to stop the toxic behavior (lying), hiding, manipulating.

She needs to get counselling for her anger issues and to learn that you never, ever have a right to ever touch another human being in anger....ever.

But NOT TOGETHER. These two people absolutely do not belong together at all!

I agree with you, as I’ve told the other thst have gotten bent over what I said, is tht I’m not here to counsel the gf…this post and these comments left here are meant for the bf.. and so I feel we should focus on helping him see his error more so than hers. She will figure out her own issues.

On 10/20/2021 at 4:27 PM, SherrySher said:

 

"It looks like he drove her there and she lost control".

You better change your tune, and quick!! If you can't handle your temper when it comes to a man, and know when to walk away, you will become someone who better not ever have children and use this same, lame excuse.

I mean it.

No one drove her to hit, she drove herself there because she has a very bad temper and can't keep her hands to herself.

He drove her to be angry, broken hearted, upset, hurt.(That's when she should have walked away, and left for good!).

Her anger and temper drove her to take it to the next level and start hitting.

LEARN THE DIFFERENCE.

 

Never said I disagree with you. I just don’t see the point in analyzing the gf when the OP is the one asking for advice. 

On 10/20/2021 at 5:14 PM, MissCanuck said:

Yeah, exactly. Outed herself right there. 

They make it so easy sometimes. 

I’ll refer you to the post on the bottom. You guys are making me laugh

On 10/20/2021 at 5:08 PM, gamon said:

How do you know she's not on this post and not reading it? The only way you would know that is if you were her and if you were her then you would be on this post and reading it.

Now I have a headache.

You guys think too much. My point in saying that is that this post is for the OP. Not the gf. He is the one that is gonna take away from whatever we say. So I’m focusing more on helping him self reflect rather than focusing on bashing the girl. Who yes is also wrong but I don’t feel like wasting my time pointing that out because he already knows it, especially with everything everyone else has posted, so I’d rather point out what he may not realize about himself in order to maybe strike some self reflection for his future relationships.

On 10/19/2021 at 12:35 AM, nman414 said:

Hi all, So I came on here last week to see how I should ask out a girl that Ive been acquainted with since childhood but never really knew. I ended up texting her and asking if she would be interested in getting some smoothie bowls and eating them on the beach while we caught up. She accepted and it went super well, we sat and talked on the beach for 2ish hours before I dropped her off. I think Ive made it clear that Im into her and she has dropped signs that she is into me as well(sitting very close, lots of exclamation points and smiley faces in text.) I just don't want to take things too fast and have her get scared.

So after our first "date" she texted and said how she had a great time, I invited her over to my apartment for dinner on Friday and she said yes. With it being a college apartment, there is only a couch and a kitchen in the common area, no where really to eat so I was planning on just cooking the food and eating out in the courtyard. 

So that part of the date is fine, Im just wondering how I should proceed from here. I would love to show her my room and maybe lay in bed and cuddle/watch some Netflix with her, if she took things farther I wouldn't oppose, I don't really plan on initiating anything just yet though. 

So my question is, should I just ask if she wants to head to my room? Are there any good ways/questions to ask in order to test the waters and kinda see what she views me as? anyway to end up in my room without scaring her into thinking I'm pressuring her for sex?

Dude. Really? Second date you wanna show her your room? Chivalry really is dead I feel bad for women. After dinner you kiss her goodnight and plan a third date, preferably not at your apartment. 

6 hours ago, emm2000000 said:

My husband and I got married 3 weeks ago and 2 weeks before the wedding I caught him speaking to a girl, totally out of character and absolutely broke my heart. I only saw a small amount of the conversations on his iPad, I had gone onto his iPad as mine was dead to watch Netflix in the bath, and it asked me to log in his iMessage, so he had switched it off. It then showed brief snippets of a couple of messages, nothing that extreme but we went out for a date night and she was meant to be going to the restaurant too but didn’t and he said something along the lines of ‘oh what a shame I could’ve met you by the toilets’. I confronted him and it’s a girl in his work and apparently they are just friends. I asked him to show me their messages to prove they were just friends and he quickly deleted them, and said he just wouldn’t show me because I’d read into it too much. He said he just enjoyed the attention and that it would stop and he’d have no contact with her other than passing in work. I was so close to leaving in and I think he could tell, but we went ahead and got married. I really did genuinely feel like the messages were just over. I don’t think for one minute he ever cheated on me but I couldn’t understand why he felt he needed to message this girl, that I had never even heard of before this point. Last night I had an awful dream that he had cheated on me, I know I’m in the wrong for looking, every time my gut tells me something most of the time I’m true. There was a photo on his iPad sent from WhatsApp of a lecture at university, with the course that I know she’s studying in the background. I asked him again this morning if they’re talking and he said they’re not and since that photo she sent has moved to his recently deleted. I saved her number to my phone and I paid close attention all morning and they were online and the same time / minutes apart so it really is obvious that I’m correct. I know I’m in the wrong for searching through his iPad and trying to find information, I know that. And I look like a psychopath. But I need evidence because I cannot stay with a man who ive been married to for only 3 weeks when I cannot trust him. I don’t feel like I’m ready to ask for an opinion of a friend or family member, I never told a soul about everything that’s happened because I feel so ashamed and embarassed by it so I wanted to seek some external advice. Just to add, he has a daughter who I have taken under my wing (only part time, her mum is around) who I love and adore and would do absolutely anything for, so I just can’t understand why he’d want to risk throwing everything we have away for her. She’s 22 and a university student and she really isn’t attractive so I’m baffled and need some advice.

thanks 

You need to leave ASAP. Plenty of good guys like me to go around. Drop him it will be better for everyone l

22 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I am sorry this is long. I am 23 and dated my ex-partner who is 27 for a year. Our relationship was not perfect, but we had a strong foundation, shared the same values and had so much in common. Although we had not been dating for long, he talked to me about wanting to getting married, having children etc, which made me very excited about the future. He tried to be a good partner, but there was always so much pressure on as he is in his final year of completing his PhD and has been dealing with personal issues. I was always understanding of his situation, compromised, was supportive and tried my best to be a good partner until the very end. Plans kept getting cancelled, I had to cancel my plans and make time to see him whenever he had time free as I knew if I did not make time, I wouldn’t know when I would see him next, I know he didn’t want me to cancel my plans for him but I wanted to see him. This was not an issue I was a university student as I had more free time than him. But this became an issue when I moved to a city an hour away 3 months ago and started working full time. We had to do long distance which I really struggled with. The plan was to see each other most weekends and work together, FaceTime/call most nights but this rarely happened as he became more stressed with work. My time became limited as I only had weekends free, so he had to compromise too in order for us to see each other. I know he loved me and wanted to see me as much as he could but his main priority was his work.  Not being satisfied in the relationship and made me less supportive than usual and made me speak up about my needs.  Not knowing when I am going to see him next made me feel anxious, I sometimes had to wait 2/3 days before a weekend to get confirmation that we were seeing each other. He would tell me it’s only going to be like this for the next few weeks and then I am all yours, but something came up all the time. In the last few weeks of our relationship, I felt disappointment as plans kept getting cancelled, I did start some silly argument with him, which I now regret now as the final argument resulted in a breakup.

I was struggling with work a lot and wanted a bit more from the relationship. I called him one night to talk to him about how I was feeling again. I was calm, I did not want a break up, I just wanted reassurance that things will get better. He told me that he does not want to do any more as there is so much pressure on him. He told me he wants to break up twice, then apologised and said he wants to fix things, he seemed mentally unstable. Then he got very angry, called me abusive, toxic and many other names, said he wants to break up and hanged up on me. This had happened twice in the past where he had broken up with me due to feeling overwhelmed and then apologised to me for making an impulsive decision. So I did not take the break up seriously. I tried contacting him later on that night, I apologised for the argument and said I felt bad for putting pressure on him and tried to reconcile. I got ignored, I tried contacting him for a few days but got no response, I sent an email apologising, I did everything I could to reach out to him for a week as I began to worry about his health. I felt so anxious that I had to leave work, I ended up driving to his house as I was so worried about him. He was initially very angry; told me he had a relaxing week where he had more time to work and focus on his hobbies. After talking to him, he calmed down and told me he was glad I came down to see him and he feels much better but does not want to get back together today as it is not good for him, he needs to focus on his work and does not want any other responsibilities or distractions, he told me his mum has asked him to  forget about his love life until he finishes his PhD in 4 months and did not want to disrespect his mum.  I said everything I could to get him to take me back as I did not want to lose him, especially as he is so close to finishing his PhD. I asked him if he wants me to wait for him, he said no as he does not want the of pressure of someone waiting for him or having to worry about finding a job in order to progress things with me. He wanted to remain friends for now and keep in touch, he told me he still sometimes sees a future with me. I got a message a few hours later saying he has thought about it and got hit with a panic attack, he wants to break up, he does not want to wake up the next day having to think about me as he wants to focus on his work, I asked if he still sees a future with me, he said no and asked me to leave him alone and asked for no contact for some time. 

It has been a month since we last spoke, I still feel so hurt and confused. It hurts a lot knowing that he is probably not hurting like I am. I feel so devalued because of the way he broke up with me. Break ups are never nice, but If I loved or cared about someone, I would try to do it in a nicer way. I have spent a month blaming myself for the breakup, If I hadn’t told him I wasn’t happy maybe we would still be together, I just wanted to see him more, it came from a place of love as I missed him. I also feel so unappreciated and disposable. I don’t know if I should wait for him or try to contact him in 4 months to see if he wants to get back together. 

 

You should get over it. How it happened doesn’t matter move on. 

30 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You gotta be kidding me! That statement wouldn't hold up in court at all.

"Oh, I am sorry I shot this man, your honor, but he really upset me, therefore it's justifiable".

Ummm, no.

You always have a choice to leave the situation before something bad like that happens.

She had a choice to leave him. If he continued to be awful to her, then again, she should have packed up and left, but using her hands is assault to which she should be criminally charged for, and I hope she is.

Again, I never said it was justifiable or okay, just asking for a little self reflection as well. If she wasn’t abusive and he did this in another relationship, he would constantly be “losing the love of his life” also looked at some of his past posts and it looks like a previous gf saw him as not prioritizing her at all. It looks like that’s the same thing this girl feels every time he dismisses what she asks him to respect and puts the porn and lying first. I’m not defending this woman, she is not on this post or reading this so he knows what’s okay and what’s not. I’m simply offering him some insight on himself, so that he can learn from his own mistakes as well

because this man has also shown very manipulative  and emotionally abusive behavior

12 hours ago, Nfllover99 said:

Ive gotta ask, are you 18? 20? This can’t be a grown man talking because the If I can’t have it I want it more statement sounds very immature. I’m not sure how old you are but if you are a grown man, start acting your age and start wondering why the woman you love is hurting you after you’ve hurt her multiple times.

Also, obviously it is a deal breaker if you can’t watch it, because if you can’t watch it you lie to her, which IS the deal breaker. 

12 hours ago, Seraphim said:

So you are saying if she does something he can hit her ? Because , well, because it is something that hurts him ? She hits him so he should turn around and smack the crap out of her ? You understand hitting us assault no matter who does it ? It is also a CRIME. Yes, lying is wrong but it deserves hitting ?! No, she should have walked away and stayed gone . 
 

Another thing , lots of women don’t care about porn. Porn is not illegal. Should he be with THIS woman no. But lots of other women don’t care. 

Well she made it clear she wasnt one of those women that were okay with it and he stayed and misled her. That’s one him for ignoring her early on boundaries. Also I never said hitting is okay, I just said he wonders why she got to this point, it looks like he drove her there and she lost control. Still wrong to hit I agree, but let’s stop pointing and labeling the one who was emotionally abused first.

12 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Someone who CHOOSES to hit someone as opposed to WALK AWAY is to blame 100%. 

Why would she choose to walk away, when clearly he is a good liar and probably manipulating her into staying. He says she packs her stuff and threatens to break up, that means somewhere along the lines he asks her not to.. wanna know how? The answer is in his OP.. he tells her what she wants to hear and reels her in. Emotional abuse. You all are quick to point fingers at the physical abuse which probably hurts him less than the emotional abuse he’s put on her.. how many times did he say he lied and said he’d stop? Oh he said at least 4 times. Stop dismissing emotional abuse as a society, it can be just as harmful 

On 10/18/2021 at 2:19 PM, RobTaylor10 said:

It shouldnt be that important to me and its not a dealbreaker to me in the fact like if i cant watch it i dont want to be with her. I do want to stop to avoid long term affects but that mindset of wanting what you cant have is starting to creep in

Ive gotta ask, are you 18? 20? This can’t be a grown man talking because the If I can’t have it I want it more statement sounds very immature. I’m not sure how old you are but if you are a grown man, start acting your age and start wondering why the woman you love is hurting you after you’ve hurt her multiple times.

On 10/18/2021 at 1:52 PM, RobTaylor10 said:

Thanks for the replies. Its so hard. When her and I don't argue or go through this makeup period, it feels like heaven. Back to all the loving texts, the cuddling, the intimacy. Its blinding almost and makes it so hard to think about the possibility of letting go. I hate that I have to be monitored and I do want to change my ways, but the thought of that is overtaking and becoming a point to where she forbid be to do it and took away all options im in the mindset of wanting it even more now that i cant have it

You are your own worst enemy. You love her and it’s heaven, then why did you put her through all this just for porn? It sounds like you are immature and undeserving of an honest and serious girlfriend. Stick to the basement and using porn, and stay away from women until you figure yourself out 

On 10/18/2021 at 2:24 AM, poorlittlefish said:

She told you what her boundary was from the start, giving you the option to leave if it wasn't something you could agree to. Her mistake has been in failing to uphold that boundary by continuing the relationship after you lied time and time again. 

She absolutely should not have been physically abusive, but you have repeatedly broken her trust, so enough is enough - time to end things. You will be free to find someone who's happy with your porn use and she can find someone who's more honest/more attuned to her morals. 

This is what I don’t get, you took the words out of my mouth. He says he loves her, and she has sex with him frequently, yet he continues to lie to her. To me, I believe she shouldn’t hit him, but I don’t think she is the one to blame at all. Lying is manipulative and you my friend has constantly manipulated her. The only thing that is her fault is that she has chosen to give you multiple chances instead of leaving. She is trying to make it work with you, but she is falling apart is looks like and hurting. You may need to break it off, not because she is abusive as these people are quick to say, but because if you truly love her you wouldn’t lie to her and you’re doing this woman a disservice. Not all women are clear with what they want and it looks like she was with you, and you took advantage.