JustAstrongGirl

For an update, I kept quiet and focused on working on my projects—and focusing on friends that I know I won’t easily offend lol and when I came back to my messages she had sent well over 50, and was in response to me asking for a solution, which for her, she doesn’t have one. She was saying I was trying to make her out to be an idiot when I suggested not to invest so much time in helping people to the point of exhaustion etc. and that I only want to make this better, asked what she needed from me, and if it was something I can offer her… but it can’t be done over text. She said she’s too exhausted to talk on the phone, and said she has so much going on, and that I have “no idea what is going on” with her, but then compared me to her pharmacist and masseuse saying they showed more care than me when I’m supposed to be her best friend. I’m a little blown away. She added that she “knew” I was mad at her and that’s why I didn’t reach out. “My instincts are always right” she says… “and I was this time.” Wow. I wasn’t mad at her for even a second, I don’t even know what she’s talking about. Yikes! What my take away from this is that she doesn’t understand that people love and show care in ways they know how—not always the way we want. But it’s up to us to see their love and care. I sense she had an unspoken expectation, one I certainly was unaware of. She’s reaching for every possible explanation… But I would think knowing each other for over a decade being gone for a few days and recovering from Covid would’ve been an easy thing to work out. Oddly her husband texted me a funny meme—he has done that periodically, I’ve known him a long time too. I never talk to him beyond when I’m on the phone with her and giving a random hello on speaker phone. I wonder if they are even talking or are in good standing and that’s what’s happening? 🤷‍♀️ Feeling a bit crushed honestly. I rarely ever had blow ups with friends in my life, I can’t remember the last time this happened to a close friend. Maybe back in the 90s as written here by @Batya33! I’m just sitting here scratching my head, asking WHY?

Very good question—I don’t know for sure what type of social life she leads. I know she and her husband work a lot on their business. I remember her saying she made a new friend who I think is a tenant, who also shares her name (this friend has a kid), but I did notice she would talk about how she’s heavier than her and needs to lose weight. She just had a kid a few years ago but is far from overweight! 🤦‍♀️ Her other friends are the wealthy ones she helps out when invited on yacht trips etc. Those people are not near by to her, maybe 2 hour plane ride. As I’m writing this out it’s making me think.

Gosh, there’s a lot of really wonderfully intelligent and insightful people on this forum. Thank you so much for everything. Before some of these recent comments, I did try one more time to clear the air, and what I got back was basically her keeping track of the things that she has done for me. She told me that I was selfish. She told me that I’m not as much of a giver as she is. But the facts are We both have listened to each other’s troubles, we both have sent each other gifts for birthdays, holidays etc. I never really thought once that this was out of balance, it definitely made me regret telling her about all the abuse I went through in my last relationship, and any other stuff that has come up in recent months. I don’t have a burdensome life, but stuff has come up. Same with her. I also listen to all of her stuff too, like when she was getting sued by a tenant, when she and her husband were having issues, her health stuff, I sent her a gift when her cat died and listened to her as she cried about it. Supported her in her workout choices, gave her fitness advice when she was feeling frustrated, complimented on hair cuts…facial injections (though I didn’t think she needed them)… Basically all the things you’re supposed to do as a friend.. I didn’t know she was keeping score. I certainly wasn’t! I ended the conversation with me basically saying that I will not beg for forgiveness, I am done doing that with anyone. And that if she can’t forgive me, then I can’t do anything about that nor will I. I made it clear that when I say I’m sorry I truly mean it. And if she feels I was being selfish, it was never my intention, and no relationship is ever perfectly balanced at all times, and what I do I try to make things count. I will take her note back and evaluate it—maybe talk to my therapist about it because I want to make sure I am doing right by people I care about. I don’t think I have been a bad friend, but I’m not so obtuse to think I’m perfect… but as the saying goes always good to checkity-check yourself before you wreckity-wreck yourself. 😔

I absolutely did apologize to my abuser for things that didn’t need an apology. Just to gain approval which seldom lasted. He expected an apology for me feeling feelings or being hurt! So yes, nasty stuff and far from ok. It was one of the worst times in my life—it’s gone now, but clearly I have some stuff that needs to be worked on! And thank you for the laugh—😆 she’s 54 years old at this stage and doing that selfie count stuff. That’s kinda new behavior or at least something I didn’t notice before. I’m writing this down in my journal so I do better next time something like this happens. Very very good lesson and reminder of my healing journey. At this stage I feel like I wasted money sending flowers, basically because I did as they don’t mean anything to her. I won’t do this again for that kind of person.

Oh yes, I didn’t mean to put it exactly like that—I do have wealthy friends, just not like the ones she’s has. I totally get what you mean. The ones in my life are very reasonable people. 🙏

Thank you all for you input—this makes me feel wayyyy less crazy. I should add I came out of an abusive relationship 3-4 years ago and have been working tremendously hard on boundaries with people and healing. I have to say, for the most part, I’ve done really great and do have some amazing new friends local in my town, but I have more growth to go. This will be ongoing for sure for years I’d say. I am very aware I tend to people please, and that stuff has to stop. Backbone needs to be better!! Thank you for reminding me of this!! I didn’t think about how rich folks can behave—being dead to someone after an offense, even minor ones. Very helpful, and since I’ve worked with those types for years, I can’t disagree … but I let people be who they are, though I didn’t make any of them my friends. When I read that, I basically thought, “well crud” and looking at this situation and times before this, for example when she told me what’s going on with say her car (she was relentless with how the dealer didn’t help her to her liking), writes people off forever who don’t say sorry when she thinks they should, and the selfie taking and sending me screenshots of how many likes her stories get, I might’ve had signs she could be this way but being the person I tend to be, I just let people do them. Perhaps this is a lesson in outgrowing someone? My circle of close friends is small on purpose, but it seems as though it got a bit smaller. I’m ok with this but just disappointed and sad. I’ve known her a long time; and I value my friends, but perhaps people change and become more a certain way. Her way isn’t aligning with my values currently. Thank you all for chiming in, your opinions were helpful. I appreciate you all. 🙏

Hello everyone! I recently had issues with a friend of mine, we’ve been friends for about 12 years. We live in opposite sides of the country so we rarely get to see each other but we talk on the phone or chat online all the time. The exceptions are when we go on trips, or during the holidays and things like that. We are often supportive of each other - happy times and in our life struggles. I recently got Covid for the first time and was down for the count for a while, and my friend checked on me as I was healing. As soon as I tested negative I had taken my mom on a trip in the mountains, but still had to work remotely. I was so dead the entire time, still am. I have tremendous brain fog, and I’m struggling every day. What was supposed to be a great mother-daughter trip ended up with me sleeping the majority of the time. A few days prior to my trip my friend ended up getting the shingles shot and she had a pretty yucky reaction to it. So both her and I were down for the count. I did check on her prior to leaving town and I called her on my way up on my trip (Sunday) to check on her (3 days into her shot experience) she said she couldn’t talk because she felt bad, and had a very long list of all the ailments she was experiencing. Just as I did when I had Covid. Pretty fair sharing there. I slept most of Monday, and spent time with my mom. In my brain fog on Tuesday, I asked my friend if she could quickly screen capture something for me on her phone (a site permissions issue), I thanked her for that right away. I felt like crap that day and just slept after that. During my 5 day trip I sent her the usual stupid memes we send each other. We didn’t talk at this time but typically we don’t when either of us are on vacations. For the next couple days I slept, sat outside, took migraine meds, and spent time with my mom (I had not seen her while I was Covid positive so it was a catching up time), and then eventually had to drive back home, which was a very painful drive for my head. I had terrible headache’s for 13 days. I come home catch up for 1.5 days, call my friend on Saturday to check on her, and she answered the phone with a terrible attitude and wouldn’t talk to me. I asked her to just call me back when she was less busy, it seemed like she was moving a lot of stuff she basically just hung up on me, I sent her a text to apologize if I interrupted anything, and to ping me when she had time to catch up. She never did that. I ended up getting a long email the next day explaining that she was surprised I even reached out and that I had the audacity to apologize for interrupting her busy day. I sent her an apology email, not entirely knowing what I did, but I knew something was wrong and I apologized anyway and I asked how she was doing and I expressed that I hope she was feeling better and that she wasn’t overworking herself again like she normally does. I didn’t hear anything for a couple days. So I sent her a bouquet of flowers and another apology note. Next, she didn’t respond until that evening, expressing she didn’t expect the flowers to be from me she thought it was from some other friend. And seemed offended that I spent money on her. She then proceeds to explain to me that her vacations are different than my vacations, and that she felt like I should know what I did wrong, and didn’t entirely explain to me what I did, but wanted me to explain to her what I think I did… then it dawned on me, it appears that she was upset that I didn’t check in on her while I was away, but customarily we don’t really talk to each other when we’re on vacation. So that’s why I was confused. I expressed that I wasn’t entirely sure what I did wrong, but I’m very sorry that I upset her. Because even unintentional hurts, deserve an apology I never ever intended to make her mad, or ignore her, that wasn’t my intention! I was just feeling quite terrible and had to juggle dealing with my mom and a remote job, the trip was really a waste for me honestly because of how much I slept and how bad I felt. She didn’t seem to notice that I was still struggling post Covid and kept bringing things back to her and her shingles shot. I was thinking this is just a bad misunderstanding, but maybe I’m an idiot. I did apologize a handful of times, but I don’t think she’s going to forgive me. She tends to hold grudges for a very long time with everyone that does anything wrong by her. I will note that the vacations that she normally takes are with people who are EXTREMELY wealthy, like a bit insane type of money.. and she does a lot of “babysitting” of these people and supporting their wants, doing chores for them at their houses, etc., but takes pics of the yachts and fancy dinners as if she’s in this same pool of wealth … I never mentioned this to her, and just supported her fun being at fancy parties… I really can’t offer the same level of benefits that those friends can offer, but I never really cared but maybe that matters to her now? She doesn’t necessarily rub elbows with me in that way. I don’t know if this is a change in personality or priorities, or something that I overlooked and now see?? :( So sadly i’m doing a lot of self blame right now, and I’m still so tired from Covid. It’s really hard to think straight so that’s why I’m here. What do all of you think about the scenario, I really don’t know what to do. I apologized and sent flowers. I apologized if I was being stupid and disappeared, I really didn’t think this was out of the norm. I didn’t mean to cause hurt...but I did explain why I was slim on the communications. But still very sorry! I don’t think that she’s going to accept my answers or apology, but I did explain that forgiveness is like a gift If it is sincere. And when I say “I’m sorry” to someone I care about it is so very truly sincere.

Wiseman2, very wise comment indeed! 👍 I only mentioned scared since his body language shows me he has “moments” that could be interpreted as such … he has every option to stop chatting and hanging out, but keeps findings reasons to keep talking or quickly searches for new topics. I’m sadly one of those people who try to figure people out, and likely while I have the most convincing poker face that I’m not doing any of that! I make sure I lean back here, I don’t want to put him in any wired places or put pressure on him. Too much respect for him to do anything funny. But perhaps end of the day, the kind of heart this man has is an example of what I can look for in my future life partner.

I absolutely love all these feedbacks. All of you have given some great thoughts. I’m contemplating all sides of the coins! I was in therapy while I ended my last relationship, it actually lasted longer than it should have because I had to protect some financial assets. But I prepared my escape fast. When I left, I felt wonderful relief and truly worked very hard to look at why I stayed to begin with and have grown into someone I really respect (that’s a lot of self parenting). Plus It wasn’t a long relationship, two years total. I took the last year to prep my escape. Covid made it more of a challenge. I did go on lots of dates once single just to see what was out there and actually met some very nice men—just nobody I felt a good click with… until well… you know who. Since I tend to appear stoic, now it is very possible that he can’t get a read on me. I have an excellent poker face. So I have to own that I might’ve made this man kinda confused too. I’m not sure what his type is… maybe it’s a question I can tease out…He might feel I’m out of his league given my career status etc. but it might be worth noting he masks up everywhere and is extremely cognizant of not spreading Covid and he’s actually very concerned about giving me Covid. He wears his mask at my house And actually doesn’t go out to eat or drink socially he just basically goes to gigs plays on the stage and then goes home he doesn’t really hang around in groups at all with this going on. But who knows why he politely declined my invite… My first hit was that I scared him (he’s shy) but not sure! It wouldn’t be the first shy guy I scared away. *shrug* All that said I’ve been trying to be very careful about not putting more into those “relationship “than what he’s putting in so I try not to initiate all the conversations and I let him guide how much time he wants to invest… Because I do not want to have any sense of codependency because in reality I really do enjoy my freedom but would like to find a nice life partner.

Soooo since people have mentioned that I should ask if he’d date a student, he did say he makes a policy not to date band members, or fans—but he has made a few exceptions. I’m not a band member or a fan… not sure what this means. He did tell me some relationship stories, one was pretty sad—I don’t pry much on that because I like what our present is. We don’t talk too much about past but we have. Our chats are more focused on current life, fun things, we can talk politics, and how we feel about things in life etc, ethics etc.

Sorry Heartgoeson, my typo! I’ll fix. I meant HE.

Wiseman, yes… I would like to date this person. His heart appears to be very genuine and kind… it’s certainly caught my attention in a big way.

Nope he is single.

He barely charges me anything, it’s a silly low amount…which is really odd. He charges people way more than me normally. He’s “forgotten” to invoice before also, which I remind him. I thought about the money thing to, but I honestly don’t feel he needs my money. Hmm. But still a consideration.

I am considered attractive, but I’m super humble and shy about this. And yes I take lessons from him. He has invited me to his shows also bc he knows how much I love that kind of thing. I am going to invite him to some of my sporting events I partake in to see if he shows interest.

I’m in an unusual situation (for me anyway). I’ve found myself crushing on someone I’ve known for a while (about 1.5 years)—we started doing music lessons on zoom and when vaccinations came about we started doing in person lessons (masks on). He comes over to my house since I have the space and ability for louder volumes. We bonded well during Covid, and we get a long really well. Things got even more fun and awesome in person. We jam together, then hang out for HOURS after. Sometimes when he comes over he stays for 6-7 hours!! No joke. We can talk and talk, fun topics to sad ones. There was one point we did a zoom lesson while I was traveling and it was a 5 hour hang out. When I visit him at his shop, she treats me so well and special. We gave each other birthday gifts for each of our birthdays. We text somewhat regularly, but not too crazy with that. When we talk on the phone, which is sometimes a couple days out of the week, it’s usually no less than an hour, but up to 3! I am in my early 40s, he's mid 50s. We are like big kids together. It’s fun and feels super safe and so nice! He is very polite to me also. He has said flirty things, makes jokes all the time (always makes me laugh), I have too, and I have seen the “sparkle eye” with him if you know what I mean. Ha! Its been a little confusing though, bc for his bday I offered to take him out for drinks and he said he was going to have a low key night, but then did a small music gig last minute when he was invited out to that. He sent tons of selfies that night and really over explained himself. I think he felt guilty? I’m cool with whatever he wants to do, but thought it was odd he did that. A week later I visited him at his shop, we chatted after his work for an hour before I said I need a coffee. He said he had a 4 o’clock but told me to follow him to show me where a coffee shop was. Before I knew it he was parking. I asked if his 4pm was here, and he said yes, “my 4 o’clock is at this coffee shop.” Apparently I was his 4pm appointment. We tail gated (being safe with Covid outside) for a few hours and sipped coffee and watched funny youtube videos. Anyway we see each other usually once a week for our lesson and always hang out after. Like I said the texting isn’t too crazy, he’s not a big texter, better on the phone or in person. I’m unclear what to do here other than enjoy this friendship, which has been really great. He has soul, super smart and empathic. I kinda sense he might not want to risk ruining things, I don’t either. I really value this human. Another thing too, about 6 months ago I got out of an abusive relationship (verbally not physically), and my friend was one of the first to know… and was actually super supportive of me. I have gone to therapy for this also, and feel the healthiest I’ve ever been! I wonder if he may be playing this slow also, because of the timing. Again, shows respect if anything here (maybe caution also, again that’s ok). Seeking insight on this. I normally don’t find myself with such soulful humans, it’s a blessing. For now, one day at a time as I enjoy this beautiful life 🙂 thanks all!!