Hello everyone! I'm new here and I hope not to violate any rules.
But I'm wishing everyone well and a huge thank you if I get a reply to a bunch of nonsense I'm about to tell...
The thing is I have a crush on my friend whom I met online 10 months ago.. He told me back then he had a girlfriend but I got a crush anyway. We talked lots during first 2,3 months. After I understood that I had a crush, we somehow got into flirting. He told me things were rocky between him and his gf, he never led me on and told me the flirt was just for fun. I didn't like it but I had feelings for him and I was happy to get a bit closer. Sometime after I felt bad for it, of course
After 2,3 months things slowed down. I offered to send him a birthday box but he refused afraid to hurt his gf. He was also very busy and I didn't want to text first too and bother him. Back then I was quite hurt but it was more or less bearable, it didn't give me such a huge depression as now. Then we didn't chat for almost two months but we did send Christmas congratulations. And since then we were chatting once in a few weeks. Once we even chatted all night in April. But I wasn't hurting anymore, felt like the crush was gone and I just liked him as a person. But I was very happy to chat with him every time anyway. And then a little more thank a week ago he texted me and offered FaceTime. I was super nervous but agreed and it lasted for more than 5 hours. It was the happiest time of my life, truly. We laughed and smiled non stop, and I saw what a wonderful person he is. I mean I knew him pretty well before from all the talking but in real life all his good qualities just stand out and scream, there's so much about him I was astonished to find out and see. He's an incredibly warm person. I knew he was exceptionally kind but seeing it in real life, his kindness was even bigger. And generally I felt incredibly attracted to him. I love everything about him, his views, how his mind works, how he treats his family, how I feel with him, our things in common, I love his eyes and nose and lips, hands, his face and body in general. He's truly perfect. And during FaceTime he couldn't stop complimenting me for all those hours. He would exclaim out of the blue "Gosh, you're so cute!" or "Everything from your eyebrows to your chin is beautiful" and other things. And also exclaimed "gosh! Why didn't we do it before!" (meaning FaceTime) and I just happily laughed, smiled and agreed. I felt like the most happiest girl in the world, I felt liked and wanted and I saw he was incredibly happy to see me and talk to me and the same was from me.. That chat gave me hopes to be with him. It also gave me hopes for another FaceTime. The crush came back and now I have hopes and want to be with him so much.. I knew him pretty well before but from this chat I saw him a lot better.. It was absolutely amazing.. We talked about meeting and what we would do and we flirted a bit too.. (Which is bad if he still has a girlfriend). But that's the thing, I was afraid to ask because I was afraid to hear he does have a girlfriend still, he's been with her for a long time and so I didn't ask but I want to be with him so much.. Just scared of the truth.. And now it feels like a long time ago and he's been busy, we barely talked and I'm scared it won't happen again, although he "yelled" how great it is to chat to me and that we should do it again.. I texted him exactly a week after the video chat hoping he would offer it again, I also sent him a silly short video of myself but the conversation was short and made me very, very sad. I felt like we would chat again so soon but that hope crushed. And now I'm suffering from hopes to be with him, from fear he has a girlfriend, and I'm terrified that all that talk about meeting was just empty flirt for fun, even though he sounded like he really wanted me, it seemed serious at the time and I believed it was serious.. I'm just tortured and it never made me so depressed.. So very tortured.. I had crushes before but this time it's different.. This time I can't cope. I miss him badly and want to chat or FaceTime and want to be with him but I'm scared he has a gf. And I sit and think.. Why would he spend his entire Saturday evening chatting to me when he's so very busy and it gives me hopes.. But I'm terrified it was one time thing, even though he exclaimed he wanted more and we should have done it before...
What I'm confused about is the difference between how we were on FaceTime. I can't even express it enough, it was never ending smiling, laughing. I was probably looking at him with hearts in my eyes and to be honest, I felt like he's attracted to me too. He was looking at me with huge kindness in his eyes and I hope I saw feelings too. But now I'm confused, the difference between that video chat and our barely talking since then hurts badly.
Another thing is that somebody told me that if he was into me he wouldn't stop texting me and such. I know he's very busy, but that thought saddens me that maybe it's true. Maybe it's true that if he had feelings for me, was into me, he'd get every opportunity to talk to me
I'm scared to ask him if he has a gf because I'm afraid of being hurt very badly in case of bitter truth
I don't know if I should confess my feelings because I didn't the first time as I read advice online that you shouldn't confess your feelings to you crush if he/she isn't single. I'm scared to make him uncomfortable or lose him at all
I'm confused whether he has feelings for me because during video chat I certainly felt like he did. But I'm scared it was empty flirt for fun, all the talking about meeting. I have no idea how men's minds work
Another thing that scares me is that he said during video chat "we're thousands of miles away from each other". I don't remember the context whatsoever but scared it was a hint that we can't be together..
That's about everything that's torturing me.. I will be immensely grateful to all kinds of replies, thoughts or advice...