minute_perception

51 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Good and don't respond. Looks like you are finally getting tired of his bs and it is bs. A meaningless word salad meant to make himself feel good and to keep you hooked as he periodically pings you to be sure you stay hooked. The more tired you get of these games, the faster you'll finally move on.

He might like to use you to stroke his ego, he might genuinely feel bad for hurting you, but he is not sorry for dumping you and is not interested in getting back together. There comes a point where that has to sink in for you.

I'll say this again - block him. I know I know....but what if....when you let go of that "what if" you'll finally set yourself free and I guarantee you that the one thing you'll feel is deep relief. At this point you are just afraid and you don't even know of what anymore. It's become a toxic habit.

Thank you. I know this sounds asinine but would also indefinite NC, be the only way where he might reconsider (obviously, along with realising more pros to our relationship etc) getting back together? Nonetheless, I am moving on and I am getting tired of it. 

54 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Has he said he wants to reconcile?

No. Only just consistently says he questions his decision and that he's probably a big idiot. We did agree a few months ago that if we ever reconsidered our relationship, it's once we have moved on from the hurt. 

Ex has apologised many times before. His most recent was that he understands I won't find this satisfying, that he does feel horrible about what happened. That I didn't deserve it and my pure-heartedness makes him feel more guilty. That he wronged me and I didn't deserve it. Nor does he expect me to forgive him. Then he went onto say a few other things which he believes I may have misrepresented him and that the bad intentions I thought he had, aren’t exactly true. He continued.. I appreciate however this has probably been my way of expressing my hurt. He hopes I'm in a better place, that I'm very special and deserve all the happiness in the world. 

Ex and I have been in contact ever since we broke up, which was almost a year ago. The longest time we didn't speak for was almost 3 months, and then I finally reached out to him. We still like each other, miss each other all the time and care about each other too. We said somewhat recently that if we ever did reconsider our relationship again, it is once we have moved on from the hurt. Ex reached out to me a week ago apologising, this is not the only time he has apologised for his wrongdoing. I sort of mentioned that I have been seeing someone. At the end of the text, I told him that I miss certain things (intimacy etc) with him but understood for breaking up (I do not, but I have to). He didn't respond to that. I'm very certain that in weeks or months to come, he'll reach out with something in regards to that, that is sort of igniting it. Reasons for why they reach out and then disappear? 

We broke up almost a year ago. Was a hard break-up, we admitted that we still like each other and that we miss each other all the time, and we both have mentioned to each other that if we ever did talk about our relationship again - it's once we've moved on from the hurt, so I don't think it's a 100% final break up where you never want anything to do with them again. I think because I still to this day felt like we broke up over very odd things and he thought the grass was going to be greener. Sometimes the texts will stop and he'll find a way to contact me weeks or even months later and it's always about how he's sorry about how things ended and just our relationship in general. He'll never directly ask me how things are unless we speak on the phone. But his texts will be wrapped in 'I hope you are truly happy and things are good'. He also apologized for things he did and says that he still feels guilty about a lot of it. He has apologized quite a few times before.

Any input?

**TL;DR** ex has apologized. We still like and care about each other and miss each other all the time. Unsure if his intent is to apologize and get together again down the road or to free himself from guilt.

On 9/20/2021 at 6:14 PM, Sonneblom said:

I do agree with everyone who has said you need to let go, cut off all communication in order to heal and move on. IMO, if he wanted you back, he would have come back and said it straight to you, the fact that he's not done that even when you have been open to communication and possibly getting back together, means he doesn't want that. LET GO, MOVE ON,THERE'S NOTHING THERE FOR YOU ANYMORE,LOVE.

Thank you! I do at times want to block him but then I'm concerned that I may prevent anything from ever happening agin? 

37 minutes ago, greendots said:

Don't play games. It doesn't work. If he was honest with you about being busy, he's definitely not going to like you behaving like that at all.

I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt and see what happens in October. If he asks you out on a date, great.

Did you end up studying with him this weekend?

I didn't no. I said after his exams is ok and he said 'that's very gracious of you' 

On 9/18/2021 at 6:16 AM, sadchick83 said:

I would not worry at all.  I have dated investment bankers who literally work 18 hours a day.  They never know their exact schedules.  You can be sitting at your desk all day doing nothing, ready to go home at 6 or 7pm only to have to work come in from overseas that keeps you at work until 3am. It makes dating plans nearly impossible.

I was in a similar industry in NYC with crazy hours that left me physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the week. The last thing I would do is commit to a date days in advance, or even think about dating.

I have dated a few younger guys lately.  Some will ask you out days in advance which I actually find stifling because I am in the middle of a work crisis and can’t chat mid day, and there are those who will ask you out Saturday morning/afternoon for Saturday night.  I actually prefer less notice because I don’t know what I may feel like 5 days in advance.  Sometimes I say no, I’m busy, but may include them in my plan and, if they decline, they simply ask me out a week or two, or even three weeks later.

Men or women who are in time consuming training like medicine, banking, finance work/study crazy hours have very different concepts of time. Waiting 3 weeks to message or re-message is not a long time to them, although it may be for you.

I suggest you loosen your grip.  You are putting a lot of pressure on this guy unbeknownst to him. Note: I would not give up on him at all.  But, I would date other people and keep yourself busy. Go on a study date with him, but I don’t think that is the best thing to do when you first meet someone. 

 

Thank you. If we do catch up in early October, it's going to be a very busy month for me. Perhaps, worst case I could sort of not intentionally but intentionally give him a taste of my own medicine and catch up with him once I am, myself done with exams. Do you think this is a bad idea? 

On 9/17/2021 at 12:17 AM, SooSad33 said:

Neither of you can truly accept, heal & move on until all of this stops.  You are just dragging on the pains.

You need to cut ALL ties with him.

If this is done, you both need to work on accepting this.

Fact is, you two broke up.

Now, you don't owe him anything, vice-versa.

And the worst thing to do is to continue on and say things like you are.. " I replied to one of his messages saying that I miss our intimacy and laughs.".

That is NOT making anything any easier.. It's continuing the pains... right?

Do he do the BU? ( as you say he thought grass was greener?) .. Then let him go!

he deserves nothing more from you.

 

So, for your own mentality, just stop everything. stop replying to his texts, stop talking to him, totally. So YOU can work on accepting this and heal.

If he ended things.. and wants to keep at you, lead you on etc... Don't give him this satisfaction!

If anything, he's being selfish here.  he should respect the fact that you need to be able to heal & move on without his chiming in now & then.

If it is done.. the be done!

* find your inner strength now & just put an end to this now*

Thank you. How would I know the difference to what I've been receiving to a man that is truly regretting his decision and wants to be together again? I guess it would be very clear that is what he wants right and would be explicitly saying that? 

I don't exactly get affected by it so much anymore, as I just see that I still have a hold of him. However, we broke up almost a year ago. Was a hard break-up, we admitted that we still like each other and that we miss each other all the time, and we both have mentioned to each other that if we ever did talk about our relationship again - it's once we've moved on from the hurt, so I don't think it's a 100% final break up where you never want anything to do with them again. I think because I still to this day felt like we broke up over very odd things and he thought the grass was going to be greener. Sometimes the texts will stop and he'll find a way to contact me weeks or even months later and it's always about how he's sorry about how things ended and just our relationship in general. He'll never directly ask me how things are unless we speak on the phone. But his texts will be wrapped in 'I hope you are truly happy and things are good'

Or for example, recently I replied to one of his messages saying that I miss our intimacy and laughs. He hasn't responded but it's almost for certain he'll try to find a way to respond back to that. Because I know at this moment, he tries to play it cool or even just compartmentalize it.

Any input?

He's sort of stepped up the plate, a *bit*. Offered to study together this weekend.

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Don't wait.  When he asks you for a date in advance decide then whether you're still interested. I'd stop chatting with him until then -don't give him the benefit of you being "supportive" or a chat buddy because right now there is no date planned.

Thank you. Would you consider last minute? 

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I think so as long as he calls to make a specific plan in advance -meaning not last minute.  He wants you to wait and not date others??

As in is that what he meant by not wanting me to wait? He didn’t say about others, no. I think just not to make me wait in general. 

So he said that his exams is in 2 weeks, he doesn't expect to make me wait but would love to see me after. Acceptable or not? 

17 minutes ago, greendots said:

You barely know each other and plus he's pretty busy at the moment, so at present you aren't a priority.

Sure, generally when a guy is very interested in you there's no guesswork. But in this case, either he's not fully convinced about you or, as he mentioned, just very busy. For the time being, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him. Show interest, but give him space as pushing him will drive him further away.

You will know for sure how he feels about you if by the time his exams are finished he has set up another date or not.

All the best. 🙂

Thank you. Yes, I told him that I don't expect for us to stay in contact but I would have liked to have known if he wanted to see me again since he asked; that I also support him in what he needs to do and to be in contact once his exams finish as I would like to see him again. 

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Get to know him better which will take months.  As time goes on, both of you can determine where this relationship is going, whether it was meant to endure or not.  For now, remain patient. Let the relationship take its course.

Whether it's bs or not, I think lack of patience and jumping into things too quickly with my previous relationship turned out to a be a real indictment. I was obviously never going to be compatible with him but probably some patience from both ends and actually getting to know each other may have deemed to been useful. 

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I think you're getting strung along. You're way too hopeful about this. 

Well aware that could be a possibility; no matter how busy he is, if he doesn't make a date, I will assume it's a polite and slow fade from him. I do find it hard to believe that since he seems genuine with his intentions with me, that he wouldn't be honest now to save himself as well. Seems like an unnecessary position to put yourself in, if he's really not that keen. But I guess - welcome to dating. 

This was his exact response: 'Sorry I wasn't able to reply immediately, I have been thinking about my answer. I'm sorry if it came across that way. You're not someone I would do that with and I had hoped to get to know you better and see where things go. I am busy but I should have more time once exams are finished. I do want to see you again so I apologise for not initiated'

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Has he set up or asked for more dates?

Not yet at least, he said he has exams.

56 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I will second what Batya said. OP, If a guy wants to see you, doesnt matter if he is working 24 hours a day or that he is far away, he will find the time and day to arrange a date and see you. "I am very busy" without anything concrete is nothing. Its basically just an excuse for him not to commit. So if he is that keen, he will have no problem arranging that. So, be very beware there. Words are nothing without action that would follow those words. Does he express his interest in any other way? Meaning like texting you first or even calling?

Yes he’s initiated just about everything. He will often double text too. No calling though. I don’t mind a call before meeting but not the biggest fan of calling, so that’s fine. 

Update: he's very keen to see me again, just very busy with Medicine and is keen to see where things go between us and wants to get to know me better. I think it was a failure on my end to not speak up. 

Can it be possible that he is interested, despite still not suggesting a day? Although, he sent a pretty brief message (like he normally messages), 5 days ago which I did not respond to. We often have days of not messaging and this was evident before us meeting. 

Just now, minute_perception said:

Thank you! His last text was ‘you too’ when I said sweet dreams and then followed up a few days later asking how I am. When he thanked me in the message, I did the same. 

Even though - hypothetically let’s say another date happens next week, that’s 2 weeks from the first date, could he be playing it cool? Given his age too. And his proneness to self deprecation and telling me he was nervous. Maybe it was a bit much meeting my mother too but he offered. 

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Why are you not responding to his follow up messages after the first date? If you are not responding positively, the other person doesn't know whether to ask you out again. You can thank him for the date and tell him you had a good time.

People can be charming and gregarious when they want to be especially in person with someone they find attractive. Observe this over time and see whether it's consistent and intentions match with actions. How he acted (the charming parts) on the first date is common, nothing out of the ordinary. Don't expect anything less than what he was when you met him. You also need to follow through and be consistent in your responses. 

 

 

Thank you! His last text was ‘you too’ when I said sweet dreams and then followed up a few days later asking how I am. When he thanked me in the message, I did the same. 

6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's too slow. One date in a few weeks and messaging on social media. The way he speaks about his ex is unflattering and not attractive in a partner. 

If he doesn't ask you out this week, I don't think he's interested. 

I think he could have just simply been making a point about his ex. Would him following up messages though (when I don’t respond) after our date, be normal of someone who’s potentially not interested though? I understand he may be genuinely time poor but I find the alternative, that he’s not interested; a little strange of his character he showed on our first date.