(Sorry for the horrible title. I've got a lot on my mind, and that's all I could think of.)
I'm a senior in high school. The year's almost over, and for the past two years, I've been completely single, relationship-wise. The reason stands from my sophomore year, when this girl moved here. Now, I'm not the popular kid, so I didn't really stand a chance with her, but she was always on my mind. I had a few classes with her, and we were "friends", so to speak. but, after my sophomore year, I didn't have any classes with her, but still, she was going through my thoughts more and more.
Given my low self-esteem, I refused to talk to her, and on the occasion that I did, I always ended up acting stupid. (I'm sure lots of guys have this problem) But, through some stroke of luck, we started talking again not more than 2 months ago. We've become friends, even more so than we used to be. She tells me things that very few other people know, and I feel that I can tell her anything as well.
So, going out on a limb, I decided to tell her how I felt about her. This isn't infatuation, I insisted, because that's short-term. I feel so strongly about her, that she is my reason for being. The meaning of my existence. It's been like that for 2 years. She seemed surprised at first, but not extremely. So, I thought I might actually have a chance. But, then she pulls out the wild card. She doesn't like me. *Bam* I'm completely destroyed. I can't believe it. It just blows my mind that after pouring my heart out to this girl, she makes it so easy to just say "no."
It's always been in the back of my mind that I've had some form of depression, but now, I'm sure of it. Even though she clearly told me she didn't like me, she insists on being friends. Every chance I get, I ask her what it would take for me to change her mind. She say's there's nothing I can do. I just fell into a hole that I dug myself, and she's putting the dirt back in.
So, for the past 16 straight hours, I've been searching the internet, looking at the DSM-IV, (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - Fourth Edition) trying to find some reason for me not being able to accept the fact that it's a lost cause. She's really nice, despite it all, and I truly love her, but she either doesn't believe it, or doesn't care. She's told me I'm being childish, because I get frustrated when she insists that I'm not what she wants, even though I plead, and beg that I can, and will change.
The only thing I've found is "Dependent Personality Disorder", or DPD for short. There's a fairly decent article about it on wikipedia, (Link: link removed ) and it really fits me well.
If something sounds odd, or if I left something out, tell me about it. Sleep deprivation is getting the better of me.
So, guys, I implore you. How can I get over this seemingly insurmountable hurdle in my life?
