Inadequate

I appreciate what you're saying, coming from a similiar depression and trying to use bad situations to make you stronger. You are right, i do thank God each day that I have my wife with me. One person can really be there for someone and make a difference. I guess that's why we're all at this forum. It's just that my situation just seems so hopeless. I remember my wife's promise to help for the year testing, over next month... I think. After that she is leaving me. It's too much for her and I can't blame her. I have no job and no way of knowing if I will ever be able to maintain memories. I fear it will be like a permenant ahlziemers, but I am only in my thirties. I could potentially never learn from my mistakes. Also, my family has been cold toward my depression. They have told me it's a crutch and disabilities shoud not be coddled. They have been aleinated from all of this. I have no friends left either. I keep asking myself, "How can I start over from this?" I guess that's when the plointlessness and bleakness sets in. I'm still here and typing. That's something. Thanks for the encouragement.

Thank you to the kind hearts that were there for me last time I posted. I am sad to say things are worse than I expected. It turns out that my stroke causing overdose was a year ago and I fear my memory is permentally damaged. The memories I do have are of the incident and my wifes promise to stay with me for the years testing the doctor wanted. The whole process has alienated my family and I have no friends. I have literally nothing in the way of people in my life and possessions. My career prospects are nill and my belief that I am a dead end is confirmed. I am considering getting out of this sick joke of a life but am not to the brink yet. Please, help me! Help me see why on earth I have any other choice. I mean really, how much can one person take? Isn't suicide justified sometimes? I have no dignity, no respect, and no future. Why not finish this and sleep?

I don't know why I am writing. I guess it is because there is a small part of me that doesn't want to do what I am going to do. I honestly don't see why i should not take these pills. I have been dealing with a damaged memory for the past.. I am not sure how long. Because of a stroke from an overdose of celexa. it's funny in a sick way. I was in a situation that I couldn't get out of and tried my last alternative, only to have more heaped on my plate. I have spent the last year trying to have some scrap of dignity, only to be victim to cruel games played against my memory situation. I am surrounded by no one to trust and no one who cares. Every one I interact with is repulsed and cold. No matter the effort, I am shunned, alone, and horribly inadequate in this life. I am a genetic and social dead end. Now I am alone, physically, today and the pills are a taunting exit. I know that if I take enough I will rid everyone of the blemish I am. It really is more for myself. I do not fit with this world and I have no other choices, either suffer more or not. I am so tired. Thank you for reading this.