bbogdanov

I am grateful to you all for the opinions! I am going on a weekend trip out of town and I will try to respond to everyone when I get back. I am just overwhelmed with so many opinions (I didn't expect it) and I will need a little bit of time to reply to everyone and provide additional information for clarifying thing.

43 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'd like to know too @bbogdanov

 

She does most of the food. We decided to live together because we both wanted it.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Way too much too soon. Whose place is it or do you co-lease or co-own? Why aren't You cooking or doing more around the house? Yes, stop insulting her cooking. Cook yourself or get take out. Move out you're incompatible and you're picking too many fights.

We rented the place. I do everything around the house. Cooking - rarely. I don't insult her cooking, I just don't lie if she asks me if I like it or not.

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I just read this:

How to deal with 'insults' from girlfriend

You don't.

 

Respect is an essential requirement in a relationship. It's a deal breaker. If your closest partner can't respect you and help you flourish and be your best self, then they're not the one for you.

You changed your mind and don't want to eat that meal? That's okay. She could have taken it and ate it herself at another moment. There's no reason to make drama out of this.

Don't put up with. Don't start walking on eggshells. She's shown you her temper, and that's just who she is. I'd out personally.

I feel like walking on eggshells when I eat her meal because if I don't like it and she asks me - I can't lie. Or if she sees me eating something else she'd know that I don't like her meal. I have to be cautious.

1 hour ago, Betterwithout said:

Firstly, she is coming from a place of insecurity when you slings the insults, so it's a weakness on her part.  Some couples can throw and receive insults with humor and without cruelty and it's all part of the dance.   Usually someone who throws insults is already frustrated in the first place, and it might not be you that is that actual frustration point but something else in her life.
Either way, it looks like she doesn't have a lot of respect for you and that's a key issue if it snowballs.

Secondly, perhaps it is not about the food, the main issue could be communication between the two of you. 

In that particular case she said that she got angry because of her thinking about me and leaving the meal for me while I didn't appreciate it. She was mad that she'd put me before herself. I don't know if that's the main issue?

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

Often times the thing you are arguing about isn't really the root of what's troubling you.   Had you both been better connected and in a good place, the issue with the food would appear silly. 

If you were to dig deeper, would there be something else that is causing the tension that shows itself in this way?

I dated someone who leaned towards using insulting words to express what he was feeling.  It was a deal breaker.  I warned him a few times that he was entitled to how he felt but if he couldn't express it in a mature, respectful way, the relationship would be over.  Ultimately, he could resist, and I left.

In that particular case she said that she got angry because of her thinking about me and leaving the meal for me while I didn't appreciate it. She was mad that she'd put me before herself. I don't know if that's the deeper meaning?

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Agree. Especially on throwing food away. Definitely disrespectful and frowned upon in my house. 

I don't like to throw food away but equally I don't like eating food I don't enjoy.

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think its important that you both share your fair share of blame in the situations you mentioned. 

She has over the top reactions and there is no need for name calling. Its something that you shouldnt need to deal with and develop "thick skin" for. 

On the other hand you are pampered. To just say like a little kid "Nah, I took a bite but will take something else" is a definition of that. Also, most of people I know would just say to you that, if you dont like their cooking, you can make something yourself or buy something else now or tomorrow. But nah, you ate her cooking but then complained about it. She prepared something for you and you didnt like her cooking. Its like you are looking for an argument lol. 

Living with somebody requires certain adjustments. That means that you wont get everything you want every time and that you would need to tolerate some stuff. You cant tolerate her being rude for example, that is over the top. But badly prepared meal every now and then, you can certanly brush it off and dont complain about it. Sadly, you are pampered so you cant really comprehend that your actions are not something that should be done. So you cant adjust on the other person who is also inperfect on her own way. And that creates an argument. So work on yourself, because, again, I dont know anyone who would tolerate your pampered butt criticizing their cooking skills. Again, if you cant see how is that a big "no-no" from your side and that you need to change that, than I dunno what to tell you.

I don't want to say anything like a kid, I just want to be able to eat (in that particular case) whatever I like without it being a problem. I am not looking for an argument at all, I never explicitly tell her that I don't like her cooking. If I don't like it, I just eat something else. I am not purposefully insulting her that her dish is not good. And I do tolerate badly prepared meal (in fact it isn't badly prepared at all, it's just up to personal taste) and I don't make a problem out of it. I just eat something else without complaining. I got to the point that I now fear her asking me how I find the meal or seeing me eat something else, I don't want to insult her that way, let alone explicitly telling her the meal is bad (like your point here).

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

To me be being called spoiled and pampered isn’t abusive . It is an opinion. EVERYTHING is abusive nowadays which leads to people not being able to handle the slightest bit of confrontation. Apologize to each other and move on . Name calling is a whole different level. I would call someone selfish and pampered who took two bites of something I wanted and then said nahhhh I am not feeling it. 
 

Maybe it is because I was raised in a time where it didn’t matter “ if you were feeing it “ Food has never been something we just throw away because we don’t feel like it that day. 

 

It's not abusive but I find it insulting. It attacks my personality and feels bad. It is just a food to me and I'd like to be able to eat whatever I want freely without thinking about the consequences.

1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

I think she's got anger issues and may need some help to learn to control her temper.  I see why she would be annoyed you didnt finish the leftovers but really she could have finished it when you decided you didnt want it!  Not had a hissy fit.  I find her reaction to be mean and immature.  

She is going to push you right out the door if she doesn't learn how to communicate without name calling and getting mad when things dont suit her.  I agree, you shouldn't be living together.

I tried to state my opinion that she's got anger issues and she agrees to a certain degree. If we don't live together, though, what would we do?

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I think being able to argue without name calling and keeping the respect level high are important components in any relationship.

I have dealt with many people- friends, family, romantic relationships - that can't communicate at a mature level. They go to snarky comments, name calling and then blame it all on being mad. 

For me, this is a deal breaker.  The way people act when they are emotional says a lot about them.  I might not end a relationship with a family member or a friend but it does limit the level of relationship I have with them and I will pull away. These people just aren't my people. You know? And for my romantic partner to act this way would be the end the relationship. 

I know enough to know you can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.  

Sometimes you have to look at your life. Because right now is life.  Your girlfriend is abusive and mean. 

You might be a spoiled guy, but that's on you to decide.  Is it really loving to go to name calling over leftovers? And why do you have to have what you want? Are you this way all the time? 

You can only fix yourself and you can decide someone isn't right for you. these aren't mutually exclusive nor are they necessarily connected.

If you don't like how she argues, tell her. If you can't, that says a lot. 

That's my opinion too - people are their true selves when they are emotional and pour out what they really think. That's why I am sad when such things happen... I don't necessarily have to have what I want. If I want something I will try to get it but it isn't a fixed idea. I did tell her that I don't like how she argues and it is not the first time, I am honest and don't hide my opinion. But it still happens and she admits it is some flaw of hers but nothing comes out of it.

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Maybe you guys are not ready to live together? I would be annoyed too if someone asked to eat the last portion of something I wanted and then took a few bites and said nahhhh and started making something else. That is a bit spoiled. Being called pamper and spoiled is heart breaking ? 
 

Nope, it is not time to live together. 

We are living together for almost an year now, what would we do if we didn't live together? I didn't say it was a heart breaking to be called names but it isn't the first time I hear unpleasant words and I find it unfair. That's why I am asking here for advice, I can't control my emotions and I feel terrible after such a fight.

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

No, you do not have to be more “thick skinned”. She’s very rude and abusive to you despite you acting a bit spoiled in that one instance. If you know someone would want to eat something and usually keeps their word while you have more of a habit of not eating it the next day or even a chance of doing so, why on earth wouldn’t you let her have it? Don’t be so selfish next time. 

I really wanted to have that dish because I had eaten the same food the previous evening but I didn't find it tasty the 2nd time, it wasn't on purpose. I will take a note.

I've been in a relationship with my gf for an year now (we live together) and there were several occasions when we had a fight over some petty (from my point of view, though) things which got her really pissed off and angry. 

She is really raging in such moments and tends to act a little bit over the top (my opinion, again).

The latest situation: we discussed the dinner and there was a serving for one person left from the previous evening so I asked her if I could have it and she could eat something different (I am selfish sometimes, especially when it comes to food). I ate a little bit but didn't really enjoy it this time (didn't find it tasty at that moment) so I got myself something else from the fridge. She got mad that I didn't eat it because she'd made a sacrifice and had left it for me when she could had eaten it. She angrily called me "a pampered boy" and a person that "was being spoiled" through most of his life and left the kitchen. I felt terrible and insulted and wanted to distance myself (I need alone time in such moments, that's my way of dealing with pain) which leads to a vicious cycle because she hates distancing and gets even angrier.

There were couple of times in the past when I didn't like some of her dishes, for example, or other things which got us into a fight and she has this habit of bursting out almost incontrollably and sometimes uses insulting words (there was once a case where she called me "idiot", I don't remember the exact reason).

I feel awful for couple of days when such things happen. We are greatly damaging the relationship this way (at least that's what I am feeling) to the point that I outright offered her to leave. I struggle to find my way back to her after such arguments because I feel really insulted by words. She really apologizes usually but it's like I am seeing two different persons - the ordinary one and the angry one.

Am I exaggerating things and how can I cope with my feelings of hurt so we can enjoy our relationship? Am I being too dramatic and how can I be more thick-skinned?

Thank you!

I almost forgot about this topic. I am close to 6 months of NC now Feeling great

27th day - a record for me

I set a new record today it's day 22 for me

I would not reply, although I know it's hard (I've given up many times)

Not at all, she've "seen" it but did not reply anything. I poured my heart over her, but... Honestly, I don't expect anything, I know she doesn't love me and I don't expect something different. I just needed to tell her I love her (for the millionth time in the past 3 months )

Day 20 - I BROKE NC messaging my ex-gf I love her i cried and felt so depressed, I am complete mess...

I think it is normal - I also sometimes wish my ex contact me but I don't think it will ever happen and I don't think there is a point in it either? Maybe it's just a "natural" thought to have, but I get it more and more rarely as the time passes by.

Its been a full week NC. Never made it this far during a "break". and honestly, it's been a great week, and I don't really want to reconcile.

 

My theme song has been "Better Man" by Little Big Town. except I don't really miss him all that much. I miss the companionship, the having a partner and the affection, and the sex. But I can't really say I miss him.

I was thinking the same thing! I am not missing my ex so much but the things you mentioned - companionship, having a partner, sex... I now even hardly imagine how she looked like.

I read that if you weren't that invested and didn't communicate that much then NC would actually hurt your chances even more.

Well, what to do then? Cant' do NC, can't embarass her with texting, calling... I have no options

I know that NC is really for you, to take time and heal yourself, but as there are some exes that also get influenced by NC from the dumpee, I was wondering - what if you had been ignoring your ex prior to the breakup? If there was some kind of NC while you were together? Is there some logic that you reach to your ex at some point?

Although I stopped all contact and blocked her from everywhere, I ordered a delivery of flowers for tomorrow at her workplace (anonymosly of course) :stupid: