beanpot

Why not today?

I'm at day 18 or something like that, and things are really looking up. I haven't been this relaxed or happy in my relationship. The stress of trying everything to make something work not being there anymore is so relieving.

Good on you! Even if you have those days/moments when you feel really down about it (and they will most certainly come up) don't let it worry you. It's a rollercoaster and there will be high points and low points. The goal is to continue to hit higher and higher points : )

Day 8 I think

 

Today's a bit harder than other days. He invited me to spend time with him and his extended family for thanksgiving. I want to punch my old self in the face for ruining everything. On the bright side someone just invited me to their birthday party so there's that to look forward to. I'm not sure if counting down the days helps. I think it's best to put the date on a calendar or maybe have it as an alarm on your phone. No one should live life counting down the days to a situation that might lead to better or worse things depending.

Completely with agree your last sentence. Nobody should live life counting down toward an event. We've all done that so much, especially just immediately post-break up because there are things that were planned together, special events, holidays, etc... I found that the easiest way to move past this was when I didn't hear from her on my birthday. Somehow that huge level of disappointment allowed me to move on faster. Try to use those disappointments as a positive force for you to move on.

I think I'll be rejoining the no contact challenge again soon.

 

Things are not going well

 

Sorry to hear friend I hope things can improve... otherwise don't let yourself sink into that pit again too deep. Come out early while you can as soon as you realize things really aren't going to work out. We will all be here!

lje1994 - I actually think it's quite classy to break NC for such a reason, as long as she doesn't know you went for a cyberstalk afterward. Get back on the train though, and keep chugging one day at a time.

 

Heh, reminds me of the little engine that could. IthinkIcanIthinkIcan...

 

Sorry to hear that rlhuk. What's happened?

 

Another update from me. Her sister's FB had a tagged update about a holiday thing she did with her sister and her bf. It was cute. I hit 'like.' Yesterday, I shared a funny video, and her bf hit 'like'. Starting to think again about refriending her and moving from NC to LC. It's smaller in my mind when I'm not trying so hard to avoid her actually. When you are so connected to your ex by threads you refuse to cut, while there are times where you need NC - I don't know if it can be a forever thing. I'm just going to go with the flow.

 

This is random, but I found a comment card from some device I bought. It's an interesting card, that says "happy?" on one side, and "not happy?" on the other. I've put it on my desk with the "happy?" side facing forward. When I get up in the morning and look at it, I decide if the answer to that question is yes or not. If the answer is no I will flip the card to the other side. I haven't had to flip it yet

 

Love that. Keep that card with HAPPY side facing you always

Hi guys,

 

Looks like I'm leaving this thread (and not coming back I hope), as after seeing each other at the weekend and lots of declarations of love etc, he told me that he wants to start seeing each other again and see how it goes. I'm completely shocked tbh, I've been wanting to hear him say that for the last 2 years and never thought he would.

 

Thanks for all your support, it's been so helpful to me. Hang in there lovelies

 

Wish me luck x

That's wonderful Agree with Saluk to remember all the lessons you learned from the failures before so give this new opportunity the best chance for success!

I'm kind of on the opposite end... with us being NC day count buddies and all haha (though I lost count). I'm finally reaching a point where the light at the end of the tunnel is visible. And it's a beautiful bright light... marching toward it one day at a time.

Thanks for the advice to block... but I think that just puts a band-aid on it really. When they get engaged I'll still hear about it. I will see her across the room showing off the ring to her friends. When she is pregnant I will know. I will see the bump. Our lives are too enmeshed to put my head in the sand. Getting distance has been good and necessary, but I need a slightly more comprehensive strategy now than just "it's not happening, it's not happening". We aren't fb friends, and I rarely go look at her page, and I've unfollowed many mutual friends. So it's really on me if I see this stuff. But...

 

I'm actually glad I saw that yesterday, it lets me know where I am a little more clearly. And I was able to work through it a bit - it didn't ruin my whole day or anything.

 

I'll keep thinking about how best to relate to this situation. A year ago I got to the point where I accepted we aren't a good match. Similarly, I need to find a way to accept that she has found one? It's really not about me. I think when I make it about me (see above, "she didn't think I was great enough?") I am being unfair both to her as an independent person, as well as selling myself short. I was really great! And we didn't quite work. And he is also really great - I've met him, I like him, and though I worry about some things with his past and her ability to stick with it... in general I approve. Maybe they will fit in a way that we didn't. And that doesn't say anything bad about me, or my ability to fit with someone else. And to fit even better.

Sorry you saw that Saluk... I can imagine it being gut-wrenching. I will say that the way I started to finally get over my ex was to see all of the things that was posting on Instagram... I had held onto hope thinking she had not moved on. When I realized that she had... then my grip opened and I let go. I wish you godspeed as you progress toward that goal... life can be sweet again...

I don't know if any of you watch The Big Bang Theory... but this last episode ended on a bittersweet note.

"I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn't one of them"

Not going to expand on that... if you watch the show you'll understand

I'm happy to say that I feel like I'm to that point... maybe... finally...

Day 79: Rare instances of sadness and sorrow. Always, inevitably, due to music.

Nov. 5, 2015

 

NC Day 1.

 

I deleted our 6 month long convo on viber, and FB messages. That's the first step.

My mood today changed from being super sad on the verge of crying, angry, full of love, to being fully in acceptance and faith that I can do it. Emotional rollercoaster!

I CAN DO IT.

And just to let you know that the thing that made me realize I absolutely have to go no-contact were his last words yesterday: "Do something with your friends this weekend".

How dare he give me advice how to move on?? I should be the one to make this decision. Period.

 

P.S. oh and another thing that got me thinking was this movie the Break-Up with Jen Anniston. Watching her character's journey, how devastated she was at the beginning and how happy, healthy-looking and radiant she was at the end really convinced me of what's right.

Welcome It'll be a rollercoaster indeed, but we'll be here.

I got this message from my ex via FB earlier this morning. I posted this on my main thread too. I'm honestly not sure what to make of it or how I feel about it. I'm going to assume it's her version of a closure letter and/or no longer angry at me and/or no longer blaming the breakup on me and/or responding to the closure letter I gave her in Sept:

 

"M, I hope you know that it is not your fault. You gave as much of yourself as you could give. And I knew that we had come to a point where we were at risk of giving up way too much of what we individually needed in order to try to stay together. I couldn't ask you to give anymore of yourself; I know that you gave what you could. And I couldn't give up any more of my own self in order to embrace the status quo. I think we both did the best we could. Were there times when either one of us made mistakes or could have done more? Of course. But is there a fault or a blame? Absolutely not. I hope that you know that. I think we both did the best we could. I hope that you are well. Thanks for listening."

That's a tough letter to read. A bitter pill. It indeed sounds like a closure type of email. Part of it might be sad that it is taking away threads of hope. Part of it is good in that it gives you a way, a reason, to move on... How are you holding up.

I BROKE NO CONTACT. IDIOT.

 

Day 1..................................

What happened?

Day 68:

 

Feeling absolutely awful, don't know where this has come from. I had a dream about him last night and woke up crying. I've been crying at my desk at work today.

 

Keep at it friend... I have those days too. It feels bad to have them despite being NC for so long which is the worst part But at least it's not every single darned day anymore!

Year 1: Tickets to her favorite musical for her and her dad to go to

Year 2: Card with her favorite animal

Year 3: Edited film of a play she was in that I had filmed and had been working on putting together while we were dating

Year 4: Nothing. Not even a FB happy birthday

 

My advice: get to year 4 in faster than 4 years

 

Day 51: Dido's white flag came on the radio. Stupid song.

That's a tough path that you've been on my friend. Thank you for sharing your experience so that we may learn from it. And I totally hear you about songs... any music... goodness I can make ANY song about her haha... it's horrible.

Well, I sent S's birthday card this morning. Depending on when the post office sorts it, it will either get to her house Saturday or Monday (her bday). When I got the idea to send her a card with a dorky message in it, it was more of a "oh hey, remember me?" type of thing. No expectations. But, since I'm trying to be honest with myself, it is a tiny little piece of a wedge back into her life. I do have expectations, and that would be to get a thank you back. If I don't get that, I will be disappointed. If I do, well, I deal with how I feel about it then.

It's a slippery path my friend but I totally understand the desire. Regardless of the outcome, you can fall back here.

There are small things... small things... that I still cling onto as hope despite losing hope...

Day 65: This...

I love your well wishing all of the holidays together to get them out of the way. Stealing that if I ever get my heart broken again lol. Thanks for everything and merry christmas for the next 4 years!

HAHAHA awesome

Yea I stupidly fell for it 2 weeks ago when she was planning our future together (even though we had broken up) yet then went cold. Step Sister is good at letting me know. I saw ex yesterday to exchange rest of stuff, we had tea together and had a laugh but I can't keep having illusions of getting back together no matter how much I want it that's why I guess I owe it to myself to give this a go

Welcome It'll be tough especially if you have chances to see her. I'd go out of my way to avoid contact and seeing her to make it easier on yourself

Thanks beanpot!

 

The last couple of days have been alright. Mornings are kind of hard, but the day gets easier as it goes along. Last night ended a bit sour for me though, not because of any relationship issues, but more of my fundamental personality. I've joined a large running group recently and meeting people there has been great! It has taken me a bit out of my element, as I am somewhat reserved until you get to know me. Well, last night I was just not clicking with people. I kind of felt that conversations were going on all around me, but not with me. I felt almost invisible. This happens a lot when I'm in a large group situation, but I don't know any of the people well enough yet to just have one on one discussions. Plus... I'm going to a Halloween party Saturday with this group. It was great to be invited, and I'm both looking forward to it and quite nervous about it.

 

Oh, S sent a followup message the day after our last 'conversation' saying "Thank you, btw, for your encouragement through (mutual friend) the weekend of the run. That made me smile. Hope you are doing well." So know I know that (mutual friend) will pass things along. I didn't reply, nothing in the message required a response.

 

I am going to break NC again tomorrow by sending S a birthday card. It's a simple card, and I'm going to write in it "Hope 43 is a prime year for you (math joke). M" (Yes, I am very dorky, but that's one of my charms.)

 

So, day 3/-1 NC I guess.

Oh and good on you for joining a running club! And for being able to spend Halloween with them I am actually going running tonight for the first time with the new running club I joined so I am pretty excited about it. Just to get out and run makes me happy... and doing it with others seems quite nice.

I've been there for a while. Don't worry, another 60 days, or maybe another 60 after that, and I bet it starts to come in there. Not that you should date again that soon. My problem is there is a difference from wanting to date and actually having a willingness to open my heart to someone. That second one I'm still struggling with big time. I'm pretty sure everyone I've dated so far hasn't been right for me. But the intensity of my strong desire to NEVER date them again after 1 or 2 times feels disproportionate with the actual suitability of the women involved. So when I see my ex with her boyfriend holding hands, it's frustrating because I feel very far away from being able to hold someones hand even.

Part of the problem is... with every ex, there is a new bar. That new individual has seemingly impossible odds to overcome. And I have seemingly impossible standards. Don't know if you have these same thoughts/issues.

Thanks beanpot!

 

The last couple of days have been alright. Mornings are kind of hard, but the day gets easier as it goes along. Last night ended a bit sour for me though, not because of any relationship issues, but more of my fundamental personality. I've joined a large running group recently and meeting people there has been great! It has taken me a bit out of my element, as I am somewhat reserved until you get to know me. Well, last night I was just not clicking with people. I kind of felt that conversations were going on all around me, but not with me. I felt almost invisible. This happens a lot when I'm in a large group situation, but I don't know any of the people well enough yet to just have one on one discussions. Plus... I'm going to a Halloween party Saturday with this group. It was great to be invited, and I'm both looking forward to it and quite nervous about it.

 

Oh, S sent a followup message the day after our last 'conversation' saying "Thank you, btw, for your encouragement through (mutual friend) the weekend of the run. That made me smile. Hope you are doing well." So know I know that (mutual friend) will pass things along. I didn't reply, nothing in the message required a response.

 

I am going to break NC again tomorrow by sending S a birthday card. It's a simple card, and I'm going to write in it "Hope 43 is a prime year for you (math joke). M" (Yes, I am very dorky, but that's one of my charms.)

 

So, day 3/-1 NC I guess.

The end of the year is dangerous because of all of the darned holidays that make us think about our exes... I basically wrote her and said "Happy Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years" so that I could get that out of the way... so I would not be tempted to be break NC again. Breaking NC is really tough, really tough. Think about getting all those well wishes out there in one go and letting it be

Day 64: One of those days... thinking about her a lot. All of the wonderful memories. Thinking about all of the errors of my ways. Wishing I could buy a time machine.

(Copied from my thread in )

 

Well, I broke NC, essentially sent the breadcrumbs I mentioned above.

 

I got a letter yesterday from a credit agency saying "Hey, someone hacked us and they have your name, address, date of birth, SSN and drivers licence number. But don't worry, no financial information was taken." (Whew, huge relief there).

 

I was livid to say the least and it triggered in me a F--- It, I Don't Care anymore response. After sending the message, I shut down the computer for the night. I didn't want to be online if/when she responded. She did end up responding (just a few minutes after, I believe) with a little inside joke and thanking me for congratulating her on the race.

 

Therapist appointment in two hours. I need it. The steps backward are turning into a slide.

 

Day 1...

How have these past couple of days been? Small back track but keep looking ahead I read your post from your original thread though; you've come a long way. I'm impressed with your tenacity. We're all here for you

Over the weekend I was thinking about heading to the theme park with my sisters and their friends having a girl I've been talking to come with. I found out from my sisters that not only would SHE be there, but her BF as well. This made me almost want to go more. It would be so awkward, but wouldn't it be fun seeing what it was like? My girl was sick so couldn't make it. I decided not to go, and found out later that he didn't show up after all. I'm half proud of myself for not going, and yet there is a part of me, a bad part of me, that wishes I had gone. Just to know what would happen. Maybe it's time for this period to end and for everything to go back to normal?

 

Then yesterday I got all upset at the two of them holding hands Not quite there yet. But it's still more in the vein of "grr, why do other people get to be happy and I'm still alone" then "grr why does HE get to have her and I don't". I mean, other couples holding hands pisses me off sometimes.

 

Outside of this my dating life has kind of sucked recently, so that adds fuel. I have to remember NOT to put the fuel on the flame.

 

Today I'm close to fine, and tomorrow I'll probably be back to my cheery self. I HATE that I still let her have an affect on me. I like logic, and this does not compute.

 

Congrats beanpot and rlhuk on your 60 day chips Keep the train going no contact peeps. It DOES get better and no contact is the cleanest way. Do it early or you'll end up like me, 3 years late and still struggling to move on.

Thanks Saluk The 60 day mark does seem really wonderful; I wish it was that easy though. "Reach 60 days and everything will be better!" would be a lovely slogan haha. Honestly though, I don't know how those of you who actually SEE your exes on occasion do it. My 60 day mark is absolutely no contact and not seeing or hearing...

Glad that you are able to even want to date someone else though. That's ... a pretty huge step I would imagine. I am not there. I'm far from being there. In fact I'm at the point where I still cannot imagine anyone else but her so I want to stay celibate for life haha.

Day 37 and I feel like I'm moving backward. I have an incredible urge to contact my ex, even if it's just to show her the menu for a new place in town and congratulate her on her half-marathon a week ago.

 

I've been keeping myself very busy, but the thoughts of her keep creeping back into my mind. My chest is pounding and I feel like I did near the start of the BU almost three months ago. I feel that I'm going to break soon. Ugh!

Man I've had those days for sure... I mean pretty much every single day from NC 0 until 40 was that... so I'm pretty excited that you're only feeling that occasionally. Oy I know the feeling of finding something new / interesting / unique / cool and wanting to share it all with that person... But ultimately if they don't want to share with you... I feel like I might as well save it for someone else... There are already enough things that I associate with my ex, I don't need to associate another one. Because those things that I have already associated with her only bring me pain when I think about them. I don't want to keep bringing pain into my everyday life. I do that enough as is with all of the memories that we had... I don't want to make up imaginary new memories for me to grieve over. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Get a few pictures together, play a few of your old songs that you two shared, cry for 10 minutes. And then go on a long run... We're all rooting for you.

Day 61: Next stop is 90 days But already doing much better. Ran 10 miles today during training for the marathon. Running has been a huge, huge, huge help in getting over her. Can't emphasize how amazing physical activity is in keeping the mind sharp and sane.