LightWave93

If the sex is consensual, and you both enjoy it, then...does it matter?

Yes, dry orgasms happen. They are common. If she doesn't believe you, tell her to do her own research.

EDIT:

Apparently not available on here?

Arrival. Pretty good, I enjoyed it.

My OCD kicks in every time I read your thread title. Please get a mod to change it.

Tada! I can kick snakes!

SWEET

Valiant ants undermine ludicrous tollbridges

WORTH

A parody of the Suicide Squad trailer.

I've been watching the Youtube "KSI" a lot more recently. He does make me laugh.

Don't beat yourself up over it; the MO of the insecure person seeking reassurance is precisely to make you feel like it's your problem, that if only you would offer one more thing then they will feel okay, and if you don't, then you're being cold and selfish. It makes you doubt yourself, and you don't want the conflict, so you try to fix it by offering that one thing, it sounds so reasonable. Problem is, that thing didn't work or wasn't enough, and you're told you need to offer just one more thing. That doesn't work either, though, and then it's constantly just a bit more, just a bit more. Sometimes it will seem like enough, but then it will blow up again and they'll need more, and more, and eventually you get to a point where your own self-confidence is shattered and you're being made to feel like a terrible person because you can't seem to make the other person happy no matter how hard you try. Sometimes, the other person has something specific in mind that they want from you and will keep going until they get it (if you happen to successfully guess what it is), sometimes nothing at all will satisfy them and it will literally keep going until you run out of options or run out of patience. It's no good appealing to the goodwill of the other party in this situation, either; they are in a very bad place during this, the misery you see in them is very real. It's not conscious manipulation (in most cases anyway), it's that they genuinely feel like they need rescuing, and are oblivious to the fact that there is nothing you can do that will actually rescue them. In the end, only you can shut it down; you have to choose what you think is a normal/reasonable level of reassurance, draw the line there, and not budge no matter how upset they get. You'll feel guilty when you do it, but it's the only way out of that situation. If they're sensible, they'll acknowledge this after they've calmed down and returned to normality, and look to avoid getting in that state in future (and probably get therapy etc. to address the underlying insecurity). If they're not, it will keep happening. If it does, a break up is absolutely the only solution; fundamentally you're incompatible because they are unable to feel secure in the relationship because of their issues, not because of you.

 

So here's the mantra: it's not your fault. It really isn't your fault. There's nothing you could have done, and the break up is actually helping both of you ultimately, because it would have just kept happening over and over, and probably getting worse each time. It's his issue primarily, and he needs to address it in deep therapy, before he's fit to have a relationship with anyone. When I used to be like that, eventually one of my exes exploded at me and told me she was tired of being made to feel guilty and like crap all the time by my emotional demands, and couldn't stand being with me anymore. It was a real wake-up call for me, and I had a lot of therapy afterwards to explore the issues around my background to help me understand why I was like that and what I could do about it. I won't say I'm entirely "cured" - that's not really possible - but I know how to manage the situation and ultimately I know objectively what I regard as a reasonable standard of behaviour. It did come up again in my most recent break up, and I can hold up my hand to my part in that, but on the other hand my ex was definitely behaving in a way that crossed reasonable boundaries (essentially spending more time one on one with her ex than she did with me, and eventually rediscovering her feelings for him as a result, which I warned her would happen), so my insecurity was inevitably provoked by that. In your case, it sounds like you didn't do anything to provoke the insecurity, and so there was nothing you could have done to prevent the situation. The break up was inevitable, and ultimately, months away perhaps, you'll be thankful that it happened.

Hands up, this reflects well on what happened in a previous relationship of mine (though to a much lesser degree, I think). The both of us were insecure to one degree or another and had our demons to confront, albeit we never did so things just fell apart. I'd like to think that, given time, things would have been okay...but that ship has long sailed. For me, I never felt I was making my partner happy. I tried doing everything to make her happy, to feel safe and secure about herself. Never worked. There would always be something else stopping her from being content. Like you said, it made me feel like a terrible person (I spent some nights crying myself to sleep because I felt like the worst partner ever), and it got to the point where the same would happen to me...because I just felt so bad, any attempt on her part to make me feel better was "never enough". Sex and communication were big issues for us and my partner at the time rarely initiated intimacy, I never once felt attractive throughout the entirety of our relationship, but that was an insecurity I had always had reinforced by certain behaviors. Definitely something I've worked on over the year, like you I've been to therapy, so I feel confident that next time will be much better in that regard.

@reinventmyself

It's unfortunate you had to go through that experience, I can't imagine what it would have felt like being in your shoes. Just know you did enough to make the situation better and, like polaris said, you did nothing to provoke that reaction from him. Unless he were to have sought professional help, nothing would have changed.

Real elephants lick ice cubes. *shrug*

SWEET

That's why whenever I see someone gush over their partner publically on Facebook, or post photos of flowers and gifts from partners "for no reason", or overall showing off their relationship, I always take it with a big grain of salt.

 

Interesting and sad how deceiving people can be, often not with an intention to fool the world but themselves.

As a university student, this couldn't be more true. I see this ALL THE TIME. One couple on my Facebook paint themselves out to be loving, caring etc, yet I know that for a good month or so the girl was flirting with other men. Another couple do the same thing but for weeks they were arguing constantly over something trivial. I know of other people who do the same thing, and their relationships are far from perfect.

I try to take social media with a grain of salt because of stuff like this, but still...it is genuinely amazing sometimes what goes on behind closed doors.

I’ve had some time to be objective and reflect back on the past 8 months.

In the beginning you shared with me your insecurities and trust issues. I saw this a sign of strength and vulnerability.

 

In the end I see that it become mostly my job to accommodate to your insecurities. Yes, you worked on them but as I mentioned once before I think you just got better at hiding them. I knew this because you would say and do things that would give yourself away.

 

It was never my job to help you get over your insecurities. As a grown man, it was yours.

But the insecurity card is the very thing you used against me. It's just another form of control.

 

I can be sensitive to them, but to continually ask me to change my behavior to make you feel safe was wrong. That’s what you do to people who owe you restitution and have wronged you and want to re-earn your trust.

But you see, I never wronged you to being with.

 

I never once gave you any reason to not trust me, but I was accused of doing things and often inferred that I might and challenged about innocuous things that were never once remotely inappropriate.

 

The constant need for reassurance was exhausting, but I was determined.

I would no sooner acquiesce to a request and you would set the bar higher.

 

Those crazy making conversations where we would try to resolve a conflict - were all the root of some insecurity.

For you feelings are facts. There was no consoling you. It didn’t matter what I said, even if it was my own experience. I was damned.

I sensed the closer I got to the truth the harder you fought to throw me off.

 

I never stood chance.

I paid the price for everyone that disappointed you in the past and I naively thought if I loved you more than

anyone before me, you would trust me.

That isn’t what I signed up for, S. At least not knowingly.

 

You just don’t trust women.

And. . .I just happened to be one.

I can feel myself in a moment about to shed a few tears; not only is this heartbreaking, but I can relate to this so well. I've got a letter of my own that I've written, but like you I will never send it.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're making strides to get better. You'll be okay.