TrueHeart

Derik- You're moving along very confidently, I applaud you. NC is a hard step for a lot of us, especially when you care for someone so much. I would just let it ride the rest of the summer out. Honestly, if it is meant to be, it will. You should feel pretty proud of yourself, you did a very bold thing.

About her behavior before when you were eating dinner towards your reciprocation-- completely typical in that situation. Remember, how can she miss you if you're always there... NC is the best... and even if you don't end up with her, you will be a better person because of it. Hang in there!

Fear not, my brother.. Things look pretty good. Remember how you said you wanted to keep things pretty 'light' in conversation, especially since running into her was something out of the blue? I guarentee that she didn't want to come off too heavy either. Its easy to just 'small talk' when there is so much tension between 2 individuals. She's most likely thought about your encounter as well. Give it a day or two, perhaps give her a call just to see how she's doing. You DO want to appear the opposite that you have been doing by being (and remaining) optomistic, independent and confident. Ever heard the term "Keep smiling it makes people wonder what you're thinking?"--- that exact little "mystery" about you that will leave her wondering more and more.

Depending on whats going on in her life right now, I guarentee what neither of you need is drama.. You didn't break up on, what I would call, BAD terms, but just a separation to regather oneself. I think the conversation you had, though you feel was not what you expected, was PERFECT and probably couldn't have been delivered in a more appropriate fashion.

In her response to your answer about whose hanging with you being a 'strange answer'-- was probably a reference that she was not expecting the answer you gave-- thus, keeping the mystery about you.. She'll probably wonder about that answer, and think to herself EXACTLY what you thought to yourself at one point "I wonder why he said that?" I'd lay low for a bit, but you're right in feeling like you don't want to come off like a needy, desperate fool and ask right off the bat about your relationship. This doesn't mean that you SHOULDN'T express your feelings, but be discreet, concise and to the point. Remember, no one wants a Drama King or Queen.

If shes claimed there is only 3 in her life that she's fallen for-- you should feel priviledged to be one of those people. Trust in that, but don't sell yourself short. I would make casual contact at this point-- perhaps just to send an email, phone call... If her 2 best friends are out of town, maybe suggest you two get together for some coffee, or ice cream, or something "social". Remember when you see her, to be ever-smiling, optomistic and confident... You'd be surprised how you could kill someone with kindness, once again, the whole 'people wondering what your thinking'-- She will see it. Gravitate to the positiveness in you and thats the attraction.

This forum is GREAT therapy for a lot of people. I am thankful for it. And just remember that you are doing the right thing by seeking advice from other 'strangers'-- you're indefinitely on the right track! Stick to it! You're doing GREAT!!!

Best way to do it, is simply just try to rediscover yourself... They're all right.. go out on dates, try to hang with friends, organize perhaps a guys-night out with poker or bowling or something..

People are habitual creatures, and really don't adapt to change very easily. You've been used to the same person for a long time, so you're used to that as part of your routine. Now that its gone, it seems impossible to get on with what you could call "normal"-- but its possible. Treat yourself! At first it seems harder to do than say, but it DOES get easier. Just have fun! Grab the guys! Go fishing!

Derik-

For 14, you seem like a very collected young man. I'm impressed. As far as your situation, my friend, this is what happens normally-- especially going through such changes in school-- especially high school. I agree that the no-contact might be the best, even though you both don't want that... she needs to see what life would be like without you. Right now, she's having her cake and eating it to, and that simply isn't fair to you no matter how long you've dated and how many future promises you make.

You should never have to compromise something of that degree when she's out doing other things with other guys... and its only going to get worse if she keeps on this track. I have no doubt in my mind that she loves you, and is comfortable with you.. It just sounds like she wants to have her fun, and then marry you later-- that NO matter what, she'll always have someone there for her, so she really has nothing to lose. Its the worst kind of way to take love for granted.

Initiate the no-contact. In order to really have her see what its like WITHOUT you, she'll have to choose. This will be difficult for the both of you, so you must perservere... Its ok to remain friends, but do not speak for a while.. even a week. Over summer this will be easier than in the school time because you will be less-likely to run into eachother. Try it for a week, maybe even 2.. It seems like forever, but all great loves have tests... Don't sell yourself short, Derik...

Thanks Kent. I really appreciate that. Mostly, I am still a little nervous. I know of all the people (women as well), he chose me.. even over his XGF who apparently is his friend as well. I know that there are a lot of people who want to see me fail with him, and he with me.. but they can keep their opinions to themselves. Adam is not easily influenced by other's opinions, thankfully, and makes decisions for himself based on his own feelings.

I just hope that he does come around. All you guys are great! I just wish I could give you all a great big hug! I am going to leave him alone for the time being, perhaps just cool off the jets a while... We'll have to see.

This weekend, I am going to San Jose to visit a friend-- I think the time away will (hopefully) have him miss me as I will him. Absense makes the heart grow fonder, I pray that time will make me the successor in this bout..

And I have no problem being the hopeless romantic. That is why I preferred an Italian setting, very romantic. I will let him call, and you're right, the tone in my voice will say it all. I don't want to be a pest to him or bother him in a moment he needs by himself... Its all so complicated, but has a simple solution.

I am really debating on whether or not I really should go all out for it, but he is 100% worth it. I know he will appreciate it, and see it for what it is, so perhaps my actions in this will be seen as genuine as I am trying to make it... Actions speak louder than words... Oh boy, I really am nervous!

I do really appreciate all you've said, guys! Honestly. I know his honesty in that was pretty hard to admit to me, and perhaps, caused some of his depression he was feeling yesterday and last night. Trust is so hard to regain, but I have been honest with him for a very long time in trying to redeem that part of myself in him. Overnight's will never happen, but I'm glad to know that things are growing, and atleast he's thinking of me, you know?

I am really nervous about this dinner. I do not want to portray that I want someone else, but I do want to have him chase a little bit, just like I'm chasing him. He hasn't called since last night, and I know he has today off-- I'm dying inside to just call, but lots of me says not to-- when he's ready to talk about it, I'm sure he will volunteer it.

Miracles can happen.. He left his GF, and I thought that would never be-- he took me to a baseball game, vacation when he could have taken someone else... I do feel very flattered.. and some part of me tells me that he wouldn't be wasting his time in this 'woo' stage, if he really didn't want me back... testing old waters can be very scary.. I'll admit, I'm terrified too... what IF things don't work out.. what IF they do.. But I think I'm a little more optomistic than he is.... How should I handle today's contact, if any? Dinner next week? Casual and comfortable is my first instinct.

I've always of the firm belief that if someone truly loves you, or even cares about you- they should treat you with some respect and kindness knowing you have feelings too. No one should do/say things to you just to be malicious or whatever.

Indeed, it IS easier said than done, but believe me, sometimes you just HAVE to endure all that crap. Otherwise, your left going backwards. You just have to mentally get a hold of yourself and say to yourself that if he really loved me, he wouldn't be mean-- thats pretty much what it boils down to.

It is soo hard to really want to accept that this person is out of your life. I came from an emotionally abusive relationship, and it wasn't until I found this forum with all these great people on it that helped ME to realize I was truly better off without him.. I found my strength.. so can you!

Ahh- I gotcha. So basically, without it seeming like a threat or, persay, an ultimatum- just to convey that I am ready for him now, but I am not going to be waiting forever.

He once told me about a week ago that he has never stopped wanting me back, even thoughout all we've been through-- that all he has ever wanted was to have me back, but he's afraid to be hurt again-- that it wouldn't work out.

Now that he finally has the opportunity, I'm just curious why he doesn't just jump on it! I guess thats more or less my predicament...

One final twist to the mix is to remember that we want what we cannot have, so laying it all on the line may tell him you will be there for now and he can have you, so why should he buy the whole thing when he can decide later.

Thanks for replying!! I had a few questions on this last line of yours.. Could you explain that a little bit for me?

I agree... does sound like she wants her cake and eat it too. Thats too bad since you seem like such a nice guy. She does sound confused, and probably still does love you.. but won't quit her partying. Just sounds like she has her priorities all messed up.. Here is a saying that should help you have her determine what she really wants... and you too:

How can you miss someone, if they don't go away....

Folks,

For those who've been following along-- here's a new break in the ice:

Adam and I (XXBF) have been 'dating' on and off for the past solid month or so. I have spent a lot of time with him, spending nights, watching/seeing movies, going out to lunches/dinners and recently going on a vacation with him to Mexico for the July 4th weekend. Things between us seem to be as they were. We act as if we are a couple again.

On our venture home, we had a discussion. I asked him about the type of relationship we had-- were we friends, dates, 'bed'-buddies, or BF/GF. His answer kind of blew me off course, but was something I would expect to hear at this moment in time. He said that we were dating, but not BF/GF- Even though things are as they were, he said that they didn't feel the same. My reply was that we have been through a lot, and it just might take some time to get back into the swing of things.

He said he was afraid to be hurt again, and that he is afraid things wouldn't work out between us if we got back together. He said that he was hurt so bad, he doesn't think he'll ever really get over that-- though he forgives me for it.. It broke my heart to hear that. Mostly, that he thinks things wouldn't work out...

Next week, I am planning on taking him out to a nice, formal dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. I will declare my intentions to him formally, which will give me some time to tie up some loose ends (namely, my ex) I want him to feel special, and especially to have him see how special he makes me feel, and how he lights up my life...

It still seems that he is confused about things, and perhaps is just a little scared to even try. I said that I've made my mistakes, learned my lesson, and have changed because I WANT to change, not because I have to. I have fallen in love with him all over again, rekindled the dying love I thought I lost. Last night, we had dinner, and later he told me to call him.. So I did a few hours later-- he said he was feeling a little sad, and though he did tell me to call, he really didn't want to talk to anyone-- he apologized and I told him that if he did change his mind, not to hesitate to call... He said he loves me beyond any comparison, and could never turn me away..

I just wish I knew what was going through his head-- He's obviously confused and scared about something, but what? I need some help-- I'm caught between my heart and head here!

Wow, thanks guys.. Its strange too-- I know she called him the other night and asked him if he had been with anyone, and he answered that he had.. and she guessed me. I guess this hurt her a little, and thats why he was depressed. He says he doesn't want to hurt anyone, but I think its because he needs to make a serious choice--- like I have to with friends with MY Ex-- be friends with her/him, or have a relationship.. Its pretty cut and dry.

But, I do forsee this 'baggage' of his in the form of Jenna will come back to haunt me. I've asked him that I don't want to crowd him any, and he alwasy replies that he wants me to do what I want to do.... Well, naturally that is to not hurt him... but apparently, he still carries this strong torch for Jenna-- and I don't want to be the rebound... We'll see what the next few days look like...

Well thats the thing, he does know how I feel, what I've said to him is no different than what I've already told him a dozen times. So its not a question of whether he doesn't know where I'm coming from. About the whole saying things when your depressed.. that is also true, but I don't think so for this particular scenerio. If you get a chance, read some of my other posts I have-- that will hopefully help clear things up for you.. Thanks for the reply Johnny!

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with my XXBF. We've pretty much been acting like we're together again. I know that his X still calls him, sends him cards, etc.. even though shes on a church retreat... Sometimes, not always though, she'll call and he doesn't answer, sometimes when Im not there... When he is on the phone with her, he's pretty matter of fact, to the point, and openly tells her that he's hanging out with me/ watching a movie/ at dinner and that he'll talk to her later.

Last night, was one of the most memorable nights so far. We spent the whole evening together.. First going to dinner, I washed his truck because I borrowed it to go to work-- which he appreciated the gesture. He did admit to me while at dinner that he was a little sad, but it wasn't because of me. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it.. and he said not really. I don't want to press the issue-- so I just stayed chipper, happy and worked on my attempts to cheer him up by making jokes, and such.

It worked.

We went back to his apartment, smoked on his hookah while we watched Jurassic Park. I told him I wanted to make an early night of it since I was dying for a good nights sleep. He agreed. We held eachother until the movie ended and I tucked him in bed to leave him.. He said "I love you"-- which was a little strange since I usually always say it first.. This made me feel good.

Before I left, I kissed his forehead, and asked him gently.. "Hon, what are we?" -- The question seemed appropriate for the time and the messages I was getting from him. Knowing he was a little sad for whatever reason, he just laid there, and quietly said "I don't know."--

I don't feel out of line asking this, as I think its fair to know only to know my place. He was feeling depresssed, but was happy I was with him.. Any insight... I'm totally at a fork in the road here, guys...

Good for you! I think she is too a little scared of her feelings, which may have prompted her to say she really didn't want to get back together with you... perhaps didn't want to sound desperate to your/her friends. I wish you the best of luck! I hope things really pan out for you... You sound like you both are still in love with eachother! And congrats on the PhD!

And you're right. I think that she would only do that because YES she still thinks about you and YES she still cares. Perhaps, she's realized that what she lost in you. If you've moved on, thats great... but even though your converstions are short with her, they seem to annoy you a little, no? Atleast thats what I gather. Obviously, shes under some kind of impression, a glimmering hope that you'll take her back. Or... maybe she just wants to be friends.... Its a toss up.

One thing you don't want to do is volunteer your info to her.. it wouldnt get the reaction you think, and frankly, its none of her business who you date/see or whatever... She's most likely having those longing feelings coming back too-- if you seriously don't want to be with her, and are getting annoyed at her contacting you-- that would slightly be leading her on.. If you're certain that you don't want the friendship, maybe ignoring her will get your point accross... I don't know.. The story is a little vague to really judge, but thats my first impression of it.

I think that might be part of it as well, openminded. However, it still sounds like that he doesn't know what he wants, how he truly feels about things. He wants to sort things out, but doesn't know how. His sporatic emails and their content is the dead-give away. Perhaps coming right out and asking him what he really wants would be smart at this stage of the game, I'm not sure. I do think he's afraid of his feelings, but they still should be voiced..

I'd agree. At this stage of the game, when people are hurt/hurting, they'll do things that they normally wouldn't. This doesn't excuse malicious behavior in anyway, though. If someone is constantly mean to you just to make you feel bad/unwanted, than they're sincerely better out of your life. However, if making a concerted effort to really be a friend, start by making small talk. I'd say wait out the summer perhaps, and see what happens... If he has involved himself with someone else, you need not concern yourself with it.. sounds pretty impossible since you still have feelings for him, but believe me, once you end up seeing/talking to him again, you'll be a much stronger, more confident person. Perhaps try sending HIM an email if you were short and cold before.. but keep it casual, like "just wondered how you were doing.." kind of thing... DO NOT bring up WHY you haven't spoken to him in a while, as this might trigger an argument.... Use your discretion and follow your instincts.

Well... another reason to take things slow. To be honest dear, its a risk you'll have to take when you rekindle with an ex. Did you break up to begin with by her flirting? Its common to feel the way you do especially since you've been apart for so long, and all your old feelings are coming back.. My advice, just stick to being there as a "good friend"-- but one that she knows she can trust, talk to, and be drama-free. You should never have to hide your feelings. Express them openly, but use a little discretion, you don't want to come off like an obsessive fool, or cause her pressure to make a choice....

The fear of her "replacing" you will always be there until you're 100% certain she wants to be with you. If you can trust her, let things happen naturally..

If you've followed along, here's the scoop.

My XXBF dumped his GF about 3 weeks ago. I've been out of my relationship with my X for about 3-4 months. I've been seeing my XXBF, Adam for about a month now, and things were great. I was being completely honest with him about my friendship I had with my X, and he was being honest with his friendship with his X. Lately, things have been winding down a skewed road.

Adam knows about my friendship with my X, Earl.. but Earl doesn't know about Adam. Earl and I went to a concert last Friday, whereas I did tell Adam I went with him. Earl and I are complete casual friends, but he was the reason I left Adam to begin with.... So heres the update to date...

Adam and I had a discussion a few nights back. I told him that if he had a problem with my friendship with Earl, I want him to tell me. Where Earl and I are coming from, is that he is a friend-- but isn't really a good one. He's told me not but a week ago, after we fought after the concert that he doesn't like hanging out with me, being around me, seeing me, and didn't know why I insisted on carrying the friendship on... But still calls to want to chat and hang out?!?!?

In speaking to Adam, I told him all this. Adam confessed that he never stopped wanting to be with me, and admitted to always loving me-- even at a distance while he realized that his last relationship was inevitably doomed. He said he would want nothing more than to be with me, but he is not sure he can ever trust me again because I hurt him so badly. He also said that he could not tolerate even the minut friendship I have with Earl because I hurt Adam so badly through Earl. Basically, he said that he could never be with me fully also if Earl was in the picture...

I did know this was going to happen... it just was a matter of when.. Earl and my friendship is and was like our relationship-- unhealthy.. but I don't like hurting people. How do I approach this? I do want to tell Earl that I don't want to see him anymore, but is there a more subtle approach? Adam is worth it 100%-- so I know this choice is the right one...

HELP ME OUT FOLKS! [-o

...Take things one day at a time.. I'm about to do the same with my ex.. you have to be soo very careful.. your relationship is more fragile than it was when you first started.. Don't make the same mistakes.

Honestly, I think you might be reading into her actions a little too much.. More than anything, she's portrayed that she doesn't have those feelings for you.. but she's comfortable with you.. After 8 years in a relationship, this doesn't surprise me-- to be honest hon, I think she's affectionate with you out of habit, and though you're miscontruing a lot of her actions and words, I believe its possible you're trying to salvage something that just isn't there.

Perhaps forcing you emotions, affection on her has put her on a guilt trip. She's determined to find 'the one'-- and clearly thats not you. Sorry to be so harsh, but you just need to tell her that you will be her friend, but nothing more... Stop holding her and all that.. She's only playing a game. I am so sorry that you've gone through this, but after 8 years, thats quite a looong time. You just need to accept that you're not the one for her... or perhaps... better yet... SHE's not the one for YOU...

2 years is quite a long time, love. You really need to give yourself more time than a week. Remember HE cheated on YOU, and he might be sorry a thousand times, but HE made the choice-- so that says that he mentally left your relationship a long time ago, understand? First you say it (think it), then you do it.

By him not wanting you back, this could be to your advantage. Right now, he's having his cake and eating it too, and its at your expense. You're by no means a weak female, you're just one thats been betrayed-- but that doesn't make you weak, that makes you human... And atleast YOU have the feelings to miss HIM after he did that to you.

Its never easy always hearing the same ole crap over and over again about-- getting over it, move on, you'll heal... because at this stage of the game, doesn't seem possible, does it? So what you do from that point is just take some time away from him. Honestly, love-- in doing that.. it takes just keeping yourself busy.. Hang out with friends, meet new ones, treat YOURSELF-- go to movies, things like that.

You have to remember you've been in a pattern, a relationship pattern for the past 2 years-- so its hard to deviate from that.. Humas are creatures of habit, so when something comes along to break the normal flow of things, it can be disasterous, break-ups are the most common relation for this scenerio.

You need to distance yourself from him. He will have his moments too... but how can someone miss you if you're always around??? Just remember that... I hope this helps.. You can PM me anytime..

I don't see whats wrong with that. Sending a good-natured greeting is never a bad thing. Just make sure that if he has a GF, not to make the card too mushy, unless thats the kind of impression you want to give. I've never thought that wishing an X Happy Birthday was against th law...