Coldandsleepy

Happy anniversary.

Hey love, I miss calling you love, the other day I wanted to add 'handsome' to all of my good night messages (I was texting three different friends last night). I sat in the park and looked at the stars and they were so pretty. I've been looking at the stars more and more lately. I hope you do too because they truly are beautiful. I have dreams about you sometimes, little dreams like walking to the shops together or last night we were watching tv together and you were getting frustrated at the main character. I know that's usually me in reality so it was kind of funny. I saw you yesterday, I doubt you saw me but I was working in the back of the kitchen at college. I came out to do something though I don't recall what and I saw you. It made me really happy at first. But then I had to tell myself off because I can't get happy every time I see you anymore. You changed your profile picture today, it looks nice and I was waiting for the day you replaced the picture of us. It still hurt but I'm glad you kept it for so long, it helped me be prepared for this moment. I'm sorry I messed everything up, I've been reading a lot of self help blogs and I realise when we started the relationship I was confident and deliriously happy. But I did too much research online that said you should make sure not to come on too strong. Not to think about the future yet. So to curb my excitement I kept reminding myself of the bad things. Every time I would have a random thought of maybe being with you for the rest of my life I would shut it down and remind myself you liked two other girls when we first got together and you only chose me because they didn't like you. That was silly I know but it meant that time we saw the cute baby in the park and you looked at me horrified I was genuine when I said I wasn't thinking about that for us. Though it did sting how horrified you were. It also stung when I found out you actually had thought long term. Had thought that you would possibly marry me one day. I would have loved to be able to think about that with you. I know that I became insecure and so I wasn't much fun to be around sometimes. I was getting upset easily and I didn't organise for us to do anything exciting or fun. I want to change that but I still don't know how. I was to genuinely be able to say I have changed and so we should start fresh but I know that for one you don't want me back and for two as hard as I'm trying I haven't fully changed. I've tried to stop biting my lip for example, I know you hated It, but when I'm nervous I do it anyway. And then I tell myself off and try to stop again. I'm trying to be more adventurous though. I went to Macias with Amy after harbour cruise and I started a game of cards against humanity in top D. I started a conversation with a stranger on the train and we ended up talking all the way to central. I've started working on saying Thank you instead of sorry and I've been working on getting back into the habit of cooking. I really wanna make beef stroganoff for you. I've been going to the gym and found a class I really Like, I've even started jogging! Imagine That, me jogging around the park! I'm going to keep working hard but if you could find it in your heart to still love me I would really like to at least be friends but possibly work our way back to being more. That day you told me I was your best friend was something truly unexpected. I knew people said you should make your significant other your best friend but to find out you actually thought of me that way was really wonderful. Lucy keeps trying to get me to go to Zumba on Tuesday night's with her. I know your mum goes on Tuesday night's though and I don't want to be a stalker. (I know cos Mal told me while I was working). I guess what I really want to tell you is I love you and if maybe you still love me too we could make something work? Love, Your Beautiful