WaywardKiwi

Thank you it's all grand. Your comment really means a lot, as I have so much cognitive dissonance around it. I think the world of my wife, she is such an amazing woman. But my instinct around family violence and protecting my daughter is also so visceral. And as you say, it's not just protecting her now, but protecting her from growing up believing that violence is part of loving family relationships. I hope that my wife will understand and agree. I just have to find the right way to approach the topic in a non-accusatory way. She has a very strong relationship with her family, and while I also love them, in this regard we will not accept it. It's a deal-breaker, and I think I am just scared because it's the first time I am not sure going in that we are on the same page (especially since I maybe assumed we were until today). But again, I appreciate the support and fortunately a good friend has got in touch and I will talk with him tomorrow. He knows us both, so I am hopeful that he can offer good insight.

Thank you for your input MissCanuck. Unfortunately, Japan generally has poor mental health services (although they are improving). We discussed therapy for her sister and husband in the past following the aforementioned incident, but they didn't follow through (and again, it wasn't really around the issue of violence). I also am nervous to talk directly with my wife about this. We have really good open communication normally, but this just feels different. As to my AH behaviour, I think primarily passive aggressive comments and generally unfriendly demeanour is my go to. Today I did actually say directly that I was pissed off in an aggressive way (everyone is just f**ing around and nothing is happening.) No excuses, I really want to be better and not take my frustrations out on my wife in this way. It's totally not fair. But again, her reaction was just over a red line for me. I think the hardest part for me is just suddenly having to consider that when it never crossed my mind before. Like, if she ever did assault me or my daughter, I would not be able to stay and what that would mean is devastating to me... I know she deeply regrets it, we just spoke again briefly although I said I want some more time to process because I want the discussion to be as clean as possible. I still just feel that it's a much bigger issue for me and that's hard to express. Thank you again for your input.

I want to add, my wife is an Incredible mother, and my mother-in-law is wonderful with my daughter. I am also a very involved dad, but I do work fulltime and sometime long hours. I don't have immediate concerns for her safety. But this is a big issue for me.

Hey everyone, I'm feeling a bit sensitive right now, so gently gently please (as far as that goes). I'm going to omit a lot of details because it's a long story and ultimately, I think the crux of the issue is not specific to the details of this incident. Basically, I am married with a 16m year old daughter. I live in Japan with my wife and her mother in a house we built together. Over the last three days, we have been on a family trip with her two siblings and their families. Overall it was a lot of fun, but stressful organizing everyone. This afternoon we went to a park around midday. My daughter needed to eat as she was getting more and more grumpy. Everyone was f**ing around making a plan, which is something of a theme on these trips. My wife was stressed out by this, as was I. i was not sensitive to her and said something that was out of line. Like many couples we have some issues, and I can be an AH. Especially if I feel I am not being included in the decision making. There are also language barrier issues. I take full responsIbility for this, and have apologiaed and will contInue to work on it. Anyway, my wife lost it and became violent. she kicked the pushchair (I was holding my daughter) and then a post and sign. Her sister had to intervene to restrain and calm her. Again, I empathise with my wifes feelings and frustration. This is also the first time she has become violent. However, it was upsetting and, in my opInion, too violent. My daughter did not really notice as I turned her away and distracted her. I took my daughter and her food and fed her away from everyone. My wifes family all comforted my wife, understandably. We then moved on to the activity we had planned. My wife apologised, as did I, however when I said that definitely can't happen she started to become very angry again so I left. I rejoined again after sometime and just didnt say anything. I believe my wifes family believes violence is an acceptable expression in some circumstances, especially from women. On a previous occaision her sister attacked her husband when arguing at thier house while we were staying. She left in the middle of the night afterward. They have some issuea, but the violence never seemed to be considered a big problem. My wife has also told me thier mother was violent during a period of their childhood. This was told to me before my daughter was born. I never thought my wife would act this way, and I am very concerned. I have a zero tolerance for violence in my marriage and even more so toward my daughter. What concerned me the most, is after we rejoined my wife hugged my daughter and asked if she was hurt, we made me think she didnt know if she had Injured her in her rage. She was fine, but obviously I was freaked out by this. I was also concerned that if she did this in public to property the police could be involved and cause issues for my daughter. I am really worried about what to do. I know I contributed to my wifes stress, and I do generally day to day (on and off, I hope overall I make her life better but I am worried). My wife and her family are good for my daughter, my family is very insecure and basically poor and overseas, so I want my daughter to have support. But I also can't risk my daughters safety. Essentially I am all over the place, and have been for last 5 hours while drivIng back home. I left for a walk and havr contacted my support network, but they are overseas and not readily available. So yeah, just looking for input and thoughts from outside to help me organise my thoughts.

So TLDR, I was right, she was just bad at texting? You have blown her off multiple times and she is still inviting you out time and time again. If you choose to take everything as a negative then so be it, but you cant claim noone ever wants to date you or is interested in you because it is patently untrue.

I wouldnt characterise it as 'pushing me in one direction'; my wife was clear from day one, so I had every opportunity to simply turn down date number two. I used to say the exact thing Jazz describes, and my main line was 'if the right person comes along'. But honestly, being 'on the fence' is not really a position; my advice was to really consider what you want and how you would respond to the answer someone gives. What if your date says she wants kids? If that is a deal breaker, then haven't you decided not to have kids? At an advance age, 'maybe one day' runs a much greater risk of resentment and disappointment.

As someone who was very much in the same position, I suggest you should clarify this issue for yourself. Personally, my concern was the timeframe for having children, as I wanted to ensure my relationship had a sold foundation prior to bringing children into it (as well as finiancial security). In my mind, that was roughly three years or so, with plenty of experiences to lean back on. My now wife, on the otherhand, was clear that she was on the clock, and thus I made it a priority to determine quickly whether this was a journey I wanted to take. In truth, I dont know if I would have ever felt entirely ready, knowing myself as I do, so her desire and impetus was a good thing. As a father now (7 months in) I have to say, I don't regret taking the leap. It seems you could imagine yourself with children, if you found the right partner. So then continue dating and ask up front, and go from there. Be honest, and if she wants children, accept that goal as part of your joint future and work toward being ready. If she doesnt, accept that you will not have children. Finally, also consider how committed you are willIng to be to that goal. My wife and I had to go through IVF, largely due to being older. We suffered several miscarriages, which are brutal. In fact, our miracle baby was our agreed last attempt, so we got lucky. Again, it was worth it, but if you decide to take the journey, be mindful and open with yoyr partner.

Hey again, Ita clear from your reaponses her that you are intent in dealing in generalisations and vaguery as opposed to dealing with objective facts and details. I understand, confronting reality would undermine your narrative. However, its a somewhat circular and franking boring conversation. So until you are willing to actually engage, Im out. T

Do you regularly attend social gatherings such as wedding receptions, birthday parties, housewarmings or the like? Do you speak to women at these events?

Well, that really depends on the sample size. In what specific circumstances are you interacting with women? How limited is your geographical and demographic sample? What signals exactly are sufficient to indicate romantic interest? With regard to your observations of other men, how well do you know their situations? Can you give an actual example for context. You are drawing a very final conclusion from pretty shaky data it seems.

Well, I think I may be done. You refuse to focus and commit to the situation right in front of you and would rather argue about historic occurrences with totally irrelevant third parties, or hypothetical gender swaps. This woman right now has gone above and beyond, and you decided to walk away. That's not some random OLD match's fault, that's your decision right here today. I won't be replying anymore, the is no pay off for the investment.

But these are just general statements out of context, I can't draw any conclusion from them; especially when you three times claimed this women has ghosted you when she in fact hasn't. The greatest source of information we have as to the actual issues you face are what is happen right now, in this interaction. And indeed, that's the way you should be approaching it too. This girl, this relationship, this friendship. If taking a week to reply is too long, so be it. That's your standard, and frankly I would be okay with it in these circumstances. You didn't give a firm deadline, this form of texting is established in your interactions, she is clearly busy, and the content of her interactions is always positive, bar one raincheck which she made up by inviting you out twice afterwards. Basically, taking a week in isolation may be a deal breaker, but you are trying to ignore the entire context of your interactions til now. But that's your call. Just don't blame the past, or some cosmic rule. There is ample and sufficient evidence right in front of you as to how we arrived here.

In this case yes, this is why you cannot get a date. You asked her to let you know what day worked for her, and once she knew, she did let you know. And is this is the only actual circumstance I know of and not some generalisation, I have to assume this is indicative of your issue generally.

Lamb, her worst crime was being busy and bad at texting. That is the only wrong step she made in this entire process. Seriously, the reason you don't get dates are your impossible standards. Women approach you in bars, this women goes out of her way to invite you things and get to know; I have never had women be this proactive in my love life. You want a women to drop everything, fall at your feet and beg for a date, all while you maintain your disinterested facade. If you just wanna be friends, then be friendly and let go of your butthurt. If you don't want to be, stop texting her as if you do and then blaming her. I was on your side for ages, but this is on your behaviour not your face.

To be honest, I agree with 99% of what you are saying in normal dating situations. But as Lamb has pointed out so many times, his situation is very unique.