gxzone

Kylie, I'm trying my best to move on without you. I want to say I'm doing fine but I'm not. I still have hope, and I know I need to kill it, but its so hard when you NCed me with no warning. I have no closure, and have to accept that I will not have any. To this day I don't know how you really felt about me during that last month or two. I want to reread our Facebook logs but it would break my 12 days of NC. I know I have to be strong, not look at or read any reminders of you and move on. Technically, although you gave me a lot of signs that you were slowly pushing me away, I always doubt if you really were. It was never clear to me just what you wanted out of me, but it hurt so much when you simply would not see me because you will be busy. The lies hurt when you kept putting off our meeting date for an excuse that didn't turn out to be true. I told you to not lie to me, I would forgive if you simply told me the truth, but you kept lying... Some signs just do not make any sense, like how much you dressed up and groomed yourself for me the day we finally met after 7 months of LDR. It was only to see me, so why would you do that to someone when your feelings were dying down for me? Or were they? Again, I have no closure at all. If you have strong feelings for me, I want to know why we can't be together. I am willing to accept your reasons. If you want me, I needed to know, because I always was hurt thinking something was wrong. You told me you tried not to have too much feelings for me...because you were scared of being hurt again...but wasn't this a bit much? If you have feelings I want to be with you, I DO! If that is true the main reason we failed is because you were too scared to let yourself fall for me. If you don't feel the way I do, the least you can do is make it clear to me so I can accept that and move on more easily. Someday, I hope all of these mysteries are solved, but for the moment we are both too deep into NC to risk that now. I regret sending you that email of breaking up. It was done in an emotional state, and I should have NCed you for a few days before I did anything drastic. At the very least, I should have worded it differently and talked to you about it. In a way, I sort of did when I sent you that huge email after we met. I expressed everything I felt - every doubt, every happiness. Your reply just felt like more pushing me away. You told me it was ok to see other girls and even more than hugging was ok!? That its not because you don't care, but because you believe you don't own anyone. Its not what I needed to hear to continue believing in you and to stop the hurting. If you liked me as much as you seemed to at one point, you SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME. If not, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME. There were so many times you said things that hurt me because it made me feel unimportant, but I unbelievably have doubts about how you really felt. I am having such a hard time convincing myself this was the best, that you never had the feelings for me that I desired you to have, and that I just had to give you up because being with you would just be more painful and more frustrating because you kept refusing to see me despite that you COULD. WHY!? Why would you do this for any other reason except that you wanted me to give you up. It only makes sense, yet I feel tremendous regret and doubt that you really wanted this. Even after I ended it with you, you reached out to me by text seemingly crying and expressing regret at the things we never got to do on our date. You hesitated when you blocked me on Facebook and had to unblock and do it a second time. Why hesitate if this is what you wanted. Why cry and express regret about how our only date went. Why dress up so much just for me, someone you wanted to fade away from. WHY!? I'm struggling to keep myself convinced that this was all for the best, that staying with you longer would just hurt me more. I actually thought a couple times in our past about breaking up. Oh how I wish I could remember the reasons I felt so. I can't think of very many reasons to be angry at you. I haven't been angry at you very much, just sad at regretful at myself. I want to be with you and I want you to let yourself want me the way I believed you felt for me, or I want to not care at all so I don't feel all of this pain and sadness. Why did YOU NC me, it makes no sense, I didn't bother you at all after we broke up, and I thought that is what you wanted! You started fading me away from texting, then on the date you told me you didn't even like the phone calls. What is left!? Was school so important to you, were you so naive to think that being so selfish for your own needs would keep me around for once you were ready to make me a priority? So many questions with no closure to help me move on or fix what was broken. So many broken promises and lies that I should know better that you are not right for me, yet I still keep going back to wondering if you really still had feeling for me and I had made a huge mistake? I know that at some point your feelings for me were very real and very strong, but you always expressed hesitation or confusion at what you really wanted from me. Even when I asked you if your feelings for me had faded and that I could not date a girl who didn't have feelings for me, you never admitted, you dodged the question and only said what you wanted to say. In a way, NCing me is really a nice thing you are doing to help me, but please, you should of done it after you talked with me. Then again, I also should of talked with you more and insisted on more direct answers to my questions before I made that decision on my own. Back in September I didn't contact you for a whole month because you said you needed to focus on an application. A month later you messaged me angry at me because you thought I had lost feelings for you. I NEVER lost feelings for you and could not believe you were getting angry at me over that. When I had a chance to move away, you reeled me back in. Was it just selfish? Did you really have strong feelings for me at the time? Its all very, very confusing. I wish you would contact me and tell me what I need to hear, but I can't be the one to break NC, I can't. Why? Because all common sense says it would be wrong and only hurt me more. But I don't want to live a life with regrets, so what the heck am I supposed to do now!? Just wait until we both lose feelings for each other, assume that common sense is right yet again on what I consider so important in my life!? Why, after all this, can I not even say one bad thing to you, that I don't care and am glad you are gone from my life like these other posters? All I can do is be sad and let out my frustration and stress through tears and exercise. Why is life so unfair, that such strong feelings one way are not enough for a successful relationship, that misunderstandings might happen, and that nothing is ever for sure!? Just the thought of moving on and finding another girl better than you makes me feel exhausted. What am I doing, I'm at work. I wonder if I should even visit this forum anymore. Don't get me wrong, you guys are great, but I wonder if typing out all this stuff is really helpful in my healing? Maybe I just need to cry when I need to, exercise, and go absolutely bonkers with NC to the point mentioning her is not even allowed? Has anyone tried this? Obviously if they did they could not post their results here until they were finished...