lovingtheextra

And here I am again. I thought I had made such good progress in getting over you but I was wrong. My train of thoughts is like a roller coaster. I can't really figure out what is wrong or what is it that I want. Do I want closure? Do I want an apology? Do I want an explanation? Do I want you to feel the way I did? I don't really know. I feel as if I was betrayed and there is this anger and hate in my heart that seems to be poking at me every day. I feel anger for how you treated me. I feel angry that I gave you so much but you never realized it. I feel angry that I hate you but I love you even more. I hate that I can't get you off my mind. I hate that I still fantasize about us being together. I hate that I think of you every day. I hate that I want you to never appear in my life but I want to be with you forever. I am just so confused. I think what truly bothers me and to this day is nagging at me is the fact that you were the one. I think I know that now. But sadly our past will never go away and I am afraid we will never be able to have another chance. We will never have a clean start. I think to myself that maybe if we meet after a few years we can start again but how can I do that when I still haven't completely forgiven you. When I still am not over you. When I still long for you. Maybe I didn't show it well enough but I wish you could see that I have never loved someone as I have loved you. And I would have wanted nothing more than to be with you but I don't even know that if it is possible. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust you. I don't doubt that you loved me but I do doubt that I was the only one that you loved. I just want to be over you. It is funny I say that because the only one stopping me from moving on is myself. I am very confused, lost and hurt. Before you I knew myself, I had confidence in myself. But now I am weak, I have doubts. And I can't put all the blame on you but I will put some of it on you It's sad. I love you and want you badly but I know I can't have you because it is simply not good for me. Heroin would be a good comparison (not that I do heroin lol). The feelings you give me are just like floating in air but the comedown just sucks! Anyways I really hope I feel better. hehe