usedtobestrong

Hi all a little update. Staying strong and every day gets easier. Almost too easy, but hey I am now at the point where I can see him separate from myself and those feelings I had. And suffice to say I don't like what I see. I am dating - and suprisingly enough, my standards have risen and so are the quality of men I am seeing. I am no where near ready for a relationship but I am ready for fun. To be able to look at a man and not feel those feelings of fear, shame and guilt is better than an all expense paid trip to Bali. Time does heal all wounds. and I have lastly forgiven myself for staying so long and I see more now than not the person I used to be and she ain't so bad. Thanks I will be updating.

Hi All, your right, I do understand that his "taking for granted" was much worse than mine. But I am only recognizing how much the abuse and control had changed me. The longer I stay away, the more I see. I became someone I did not like and as a result I too became abusive or as close to it as I would like. I cannot solely blame him. We make our own choices good or bad and I chose to stay with a person who in a nutshell was bad for me and honestly it was the intense self hatred I had for myself that led to the final straw. I know that this person is sick, and has even managed to find some order in his internal chaos. BUT I do know that this person does not want to be this way. But obviously not enough to change himself. He still believes different scenery will change him. I feel sorry for him, because as we all know you can run, but you can never hide. As far as I am concerned, each day is getting easier but harder too. I cant seem to wrap my head around the fact that people like this exist and I gave my all to one. And it disturbs me more that I truly believe in this life when you get a chance to ammend your wrongs , you do so with all that you are.But than again, how do ammend almost taking someone's life and spirit? So I am choosing to just try to ride along on this new journey that has begun. I have to believe that it will end up somewhere better for me. I got some insider information from a friend of mine who is very similar to him and he basically told me that I was a pawn in this crazy game that people play. I certainly did not know this, I still believe that honesty and trust will get you everything, not manipulation, control and fear.And pretty much, he has found someone who apparently has experience in the game. I deceided that the best way to win was not to play. I dont want to know the rules and how it works.So still n/c and definatly more calm these days to say the least.

Hi All thanks for your words of encuragemet. I havenot had any contact, and I am recovering from the "ring" incident. I am starting to find myself again. I still think of him, but not in the desperate way I was. I am trying to focus on me. The me I was before him. It is still painfull and I am at a loss on how we let it get so bad, how we did not take care of each other. I am amazed how much we took each other for granted.

Thanks all, funny you should mention the helping others... I filled out an application to volunteer at the local hospital childrens ward just the other day. I have never heard of stockholm syndrome and I looked it up. It sounds a bit extreme, and could apply to anyone but in my case it was abandonement issues combined with post traumatic stress that lead me hear, I am sure over time stockholm sysndrome began to take effect but it was really the abandonment thing. I am just o angry, I feel like I have been used and abused just like a prostitute. He used me and abused me and claimed it was love. He controlled me from day one. When he finally gained the control he left, I was not an easy nut to crack through which would explain the intense abuse and control unlike the rest. I really need to make one good thing happen to turn it all around, but my spririt and soul are so wounded, i am at a loss on how.

Hi Avman, Thanks it seems the word for today is ALONE. I know I must look back in order to go forward, but when I look back I see how much I lost... Friends, A good Job, my self esteem, my drive and my passion for life. I feel as though I am an empty shell of a person. I gave too much and I am not sure I can gain it back. Life was never this hard for me- until I met him. Sure we all have had our problems, but mine were either dealt with or managable. Now This is totally becoming unmanagable. I I know that it was such a game to him, he played me perfectly right along with his ex girlfiend and even now with his new girlfriend. I am choosing not to participate any longer, but I still don't know if I can ever regain what I have lost. The shame from the abuse forced me into isolation, I lived in constant panic and fear not from him but from life, as a result from the abuse. For some reason I am feeling hopeless and cannot get myself past it like I usually do. Its scary for me to even think that people really are like this and can be so controlling and manipulative, that they can only see me me me and not be considerate of the people in their lives. It scary to think that people dont believe in love enough that they have only learned how to misuse and manipulate it. What ever happened to honesty and trust?

Hi Avman, I know your right. I am much better when I dont see or talk to this person. Its just so hard for me to believe he is such a monster. I must always remember all of the horrible things he is capable of. Its just hard because some days he was not violent, neglectful, hurtful to me. Also, its hard for me to understand why he was rewarded with finding someone new and possibly marrying this girl. I know I am not supposed to care but its difficult, it has only been 8 weeks and I am in disbelief. I am starting n/c again and I am considering changing my numbers, but there is the issue of the fact that I still work with his ex girlfriend with whom he still speaks. I feel like I cannot escape him completely. I am searching for a new job and a way out. He is still in contact with all of his ex's but I do not feel that I should be like the rest or he is deserving to know me, especially now with the ring and all. Another slap in the face of how much I really meant. I am angry, hurt and sad.

Thanks all, I know your words are true. I am trying my best. It is just so hurtful. I still find it hard to believe that people like this exist. They prey on others. My mind could never work in this manner. Its scary. And even scarier I shared my life with this person and somewhat still do. Its hard for me to remember the bad. I have hard a rough go since I was a kid and the thing that made me get past it and be able not to be tarneshed by it all I have always looked for the good in people. I wish it would all go away. I wish he would make it all go away.

Hi Avman, I know your right. My head says the same things you are telling my but my heart thats a different story. Its tough right now. I hope I survive this. I feel so weak. But I'm still here so thats a start. Thanks, I just dont understand the game he plays. Why?

Thanks Avman, I know you are right, its just so hard to stop caring about someone. Deep inside I wish he wuld come back and say all those things that I would love to hear. I want him to feel I am the only one. Just without the abuse. Without the abuse our relationship was good. He was not a monster all the time. I know it sounds weak and lame, I am just furious on how he can treat someone who is doing a quarter of what I did for him so much better. I cant stop crying and I keep getting sick to my stomach. This hurts and I dont see and end in sight anytime soon. I know over time it will get better but right now I am unsure of everything, myself, him, my life.

Hi All I said I would keep posting... Good Bad or indifferent. Oddly enough yesterday was another difficult day. As it turns out around 10 PM last night I opened my door and guess who was standing there??? HIM. He said he had just come by to check his mail and saw that the lights were off and he didnt think I was home, so he wanted to come and talk to the dog through the door. Now mind you I had asked him not to do that because its upsetting to her, she is already sad about him not being here. BUT as I was talking to him I noticed he was wearing a RING!!! I asked him if was married or engaged, he said no. It was just a promise ring that she had givien him. I said oh that was nice and told him he finally got his Tiffany, now he never knew what Tiffany was until I told him and he went and got my engagement ring there. But anyway, he asked me about an email he had me CC on for his business and I told him I got it. He started to pet the dog and I told him he may as well come in and get the email (thinking lets just get this over with) he then went into the bathroom and I said, excuse but you didnt ask and he did, I said sure. I then started to get emotionally sloppy, telling him that he was an awful boyfriend and its better this way- blah blah blah. When he started to leave he asked me if he could pick up the dog and keep her while I was at work. I told him call me in the AM. But after he left I called him and said, it was quit a shock to see the ring and it was hurtful, it had only been 7 or 8 weeks and is that possible? Was his heart whole to give? he never answered. We went back and forth a bit about how I always made him feel not good enough and now I am free to go get what I want, blah blah blah and he told me he is really just dating this gorl and she gave him the ring and what was he supposed to do, say no I cant accept it and hurt her feelings? I said I understand it was all just a bit much. I said thats the one thing we never got to do was date, he said well maybe.... and I cut him off and said no I dont mean now I mean when we first met ( he was living with me within 3 weeks due to fate by fire circumstances). I am hurt angry and confused. I know he only cares about himself it is just hard to accept I meant so little and still do. How can he not feel the pain?

PS Loser Girl... It has only been 7 weeks since the split. I havent met anyone or in fact thinking about it. I am dealing with the issues that even allowed me to entertain the idea of staying with someone who does not love me, adore me, and admire me.

Dear Loser Girl Yes I went back and forth for 4 years. Not with him but with myself. I want to refrain from giving you any advice, but rather share with you my experience. What I found the truth to be was this.... Being with someone who mistreats you even if its "occasionally" is just like being alone. The self blame and hatred we put ourselves through is just like isolation. We start to lose who we are and it puts us further from ourselves and our loved ones. I wouldnt say that I am strong at all, if I were stronger it would have ended a long time ago. But what I was , was sick of it. I couldnt take the uncertainty, the lack of respect he was showing me but mainly the lack of respect I was showing myself. It is hard and it is sad and it is lonely, but at least now I am available to receive the love and respect that I give and deserve. My life is ever changing and for the first time in a long time I am guarenteed good change. I do feel weak at times and wish he would come back, but only the way I would want him to be. Which will never happen. It would take a miracle for a coward to become a man and sad to say he did not think I was worth growing for. We can hide from ourselves for only so long. I am sure I will run into him eventually again, and you know what its ok. When he see's me he will always feel a tinge of regret and most of all loss. But furthermore, each day that passes is one more day I didnt spend in a world of pain, anger , self hatred and fear. I wish you the best and I am glad that these psotings have helped someone other than myself. The people on the boards are nothing short of amazing.

Hi All, I said I would keep posting so here we go. I ran into my ex again..... yesterday. Somehow someway it ended up being a 2.5 hour long talk.. We had our closure. He said he still loved me and I was the best woman he ever had and that he was sorry for all the awful things he had done to me. I told him that I forgive him, but the chapter is now closed and we are much better off. I said I really didnt see the point in being friends because I didnt want to surround myself with anything negative. He told me he may end up marrying his girlfriend of all of three months and that she was a "good girl" and they have had some problems with her being submissive but she asked him to be patient and she would fall in line...Anyhow, he said ot was hard to be around me because it made him weak and vulnerable and I said the reason being is because I know the truth. I wished him the best and all the happiness and I also encouraged him to curb his issues if he really acred about this girl to make it work. But here is the truth... It hurts like heck and I cant beliebve he is even considering marriage, but I know deep in my heart he will marry her, because its ,much easier to do that than it is to deal with the pain of me and us. Stangley enough after the conversation was over and I went home he called me and played the Supremes"someday we will be together" My response was thats so cute thanks, I will never say never but who knows - take care of yourself. I barely slept, I cannot eat and I feel sad and lonely. I know this will pass and in the long term I know I am doing the right thing but what do I do until that day comes? I can totally see how the effects of this person makes me feel so bad. And I am starting N/C again. But my head definatly knows that I wouldnt want him back right now, he has not changed and has not grown and honestly I deserve someone who knows that they do not want to spend a day apart from me and can say it and mean it. He is not equipped. I wish I could find a way to just not care anymore. Its not my ego or pride, its the love feelings that I still have that making me feel like shhhh... As bad as I feel though I could not even imagine having this person in my life again. help...

Hi All thanks for the encouragement. Its been tough and lonely but day by day. So today was the day... He called and I did not answer or return the call. I am staying strong but it is tough. Overall the most frustrating part is what I lost over this, a great career, ime with my kid and all things about myself I used to love and be proud of. But one by one I am not only remembering what those things look like but what they feel like too.I dont view him the same anymore, but now its just breaking the habit & routine. Thanks and Ill post soon.

Hi all, I know that its been awhile and I apologize, and oddly enough someone PM me and asked me if I was ok, Thanks you for your concern but I was just thinking today I should post. Its been officially 6 weeks and I am officially out of crisis mode. I have been staying busy with work and friends. I still think of him everyday, its just now it doesnt feel like I am going to die without him. Now when I think of him its 40% with rose colored glasses and the other 60% of truth of all the physical harm, stress, control and selfishness he brought into my life. We have spoken several times and I actually ran into him, and it didnt hurt and I looked at him with more sorrow than love. And I was actually ok. No tears. I actually told him I had no regrets , i only had one wish... that it had ended sooner. There are days when I get lonely but never scared and that is such a relief. Leaving or deciding to end it is such a scary thing, but the truth is at least you know the fear, anger and pain will eventually end. People who are abusive really offer you and your life nothing but heartache, physical pain and emotional drain. The truth is love was never involved. It is all codependence and abuse. I am certain at some point we all thought WE were in love, and that may be true, but the truth is our abusive partners never were. I am somewhat angry and would love to tell him off, but the truth is, paying him any attention at all is exactly what feeds the beast. So I guess I must starve it to death.. I am now not answering any calls and really comitted to phasing him completely out. He really does not deserve to know anything about me. I am continuing with my group and one on one therapy and they both are really helping. I have met some wonderful women, with horror stories worse than mine and they still have managed to be happy and have functional loving relationships. I am sorry for the rant but today has been one of those rough days, but I know this will be over soon.