bec83

Goodbye, this has been a long time coming. From this day on, you are no longer holding me back from rebuilding my life. It has been just over year and i have tried to the right thing and give you want you want i.e the chance of one day being friends. But through this long journey there is one thing i have overlooked... i don't wat you in my life. You screwed up my life (or at least i let you) and by staying contact there will always be this part of me that fears you and your actions, that fears my guilt and what my guilt may make me do in regards to you. But no more. This is my life and i will not be held back by guilt. I will not be friends with you just because i think it will hurt you less, as it will always hurt me. I may well feel guilt for a while longer.But this is one of the best things about me. I have a huge heart (no matter what you say) i feel and give too much and i can love. so i say goodbye, goodbye to all the rubbish you put me through, goodbye to holding on for your sake and finally goodbye to whats been holding me back. Instead i say hello to the beginning of the end of us and the guilt. I will hurt, but sometimes it's the harderst things that we have to do that are the best things for us. Goodbye R, goodbye

I'm exhasuted of constantly being let down. I just need you and your empty promises out of my life. YOu make me cry every time you break them. I actually do not really care about the £4000 you have repeatedly promised to pay back and then forgotten about. It's just money and i have never asked you or pressured you to pay me... It's you that reminds me about it, tells me a lumpsum will be paid and then just don't bother. If this is the price i pay for my freedom from this situation then it's worth it... It's just money.. my happiness is worth so much more than a few grand. I'm not going to say anything further, it will just be empty words to fuel an empty promise.

Lesson’s Learnt Someone once sang of a time after time, For you, this only relates to your lies You seem to forget any promises made And worse still, you feel no regret or shame. Your expectations are vast, Sometimes hypocritical and cruel The feelings of others. Have no place in your view You temper and tantrums Get you, your own way, But the cost of your actions Hurt more by the day But to all this, I might add You add something more You took away my freedom And gave me nothing to live for Eventually you became too much For my poor, broken soul So I walked away To make myself whole My life is now mine, And my love will be earned My future is brighter And my lessons are learnt

I feel for this new girl you're with, you'll either get bored with her after 3 months (like the majority of your other relationships) or you'll suck all the happiness out of her over two years like you did with me. You can't be by yourself, so you use other people. Most people enter relationships thinking how can i make the other person happy. You see these girls as a way to boost you self esteem and you think 'how can they make me happy.' Even your dad warned me of your selfishness...

You really need to stop playng mind games. Seriously sending me a text asking to go on a picnic and then 2 seconds later sending another message telling me it's not for me... i'm sure you would have put at least one x if it was meant for someone else.. You haven't sent anything to me with an x since the break up! I know you're hurting and you're too scared to admit it. Instead you want to hurt me or make me jealous.. the thing is it's this type of behaviour which makes me not want to be with you. If your wondering, yes it does hurt to know you could be moving on (if there is actually someone) but i also feel slightly relieved that you heart can be fixed again and hopefully i won't have to deal with this behaviour for too much longer...

you blocked my number.. i guess i expected it. But it just hurts I'm starting to feel all alone and like i'll never find anyone again...

I've been wallowing in guilt for the last few days that i broke up with you, but i'm starting to have some revelations.. All i really need to do is remember all the bad things and not the very distant good memories from the early relationship. So now i'm going to list them, writing them down will make it so much easier to realise i'm not guilty for making myself happier. You told me i had to be on the same level as you emotionally from the beginning of the relationhip or there was something wrong with me. You made me listen and watch all the things you liked as you said they would 'broaden me and educate me.' You wouldn't do the same for me - you would turn over or talk all the way through about how rubbish it was. You stayed in contact with your ex's and met up with people on dating sites as 'friends' as we had nothing in common and you needed a best friend. You got angry with me when i sent a happy birthday message to my ex and told me never to speak to him again. Yet you didn't care how much it hurt me that you still spoke to R with her constant stream of how she loved you still missed you. In fact you told me you like the attention. I supported you on the weekends for a year, paying for everything - petrol, meals, little treats to make you feel better; while you looked for work. i even gave you two lumpsums to help you start your own business which you gave up on after a week. I felt under such pressure, which you didn't really understand. On your last day before you started your new job i took a day off so we could spend it together and you decided to help out your mum instead, which i understood. But when i said i would make other plans, you got angry at me and called me selfish! You took your moods out on me, walking out in the middle of the night and getting angry with me when i didn't follow when you asked me not too. You walked out 20 mins into of a film i wanted see, as you were in a mood.. not with me, you were just moody. You told me that if i didn't want sex with you, then we were just friends and shouldn't be togther. You almost broke up with on Christmas day, when i had tried to compromise and fit both your nan and my parents into the one day and you called me selfish and said i should have cancelled with my parents. You said you had to look after me like a child, but you were perfectly happy to put all the things you wanted on my credit card, for me to use my savings, for me to cook, clean everyday when we lived together. You asked me to marry you, you told me to look at rings and then never got me one, saying it was only a symbol. You then changed your mind about marriage and kids and completely crushed my dreams, when we took a break because of it you then said it was what you really wanted and you were just scared. How can i really trust that? there so many many more things, but that will do. I felt obsolete, trapped and no matter what i did everything was my fault and i was the selfish one. Is it any wonder i couldn't love you anymore? All the things you say about loving me for me and how i'm the best thing in your life and your missing you best friend, i really find it hard to see from my view point

I went to the cinema last night with my friends. I can't stand being in crowded places, lining up with all that noise just made me feel really alone. There was so many couples there too and it kept making me think that i'm all alone again. I can't read gossip magazines either, there's just too many people getting married or having babies and i feel my future for that is so very far away. The worse part is that i don't think i miss you but the comfort and safety of a relationship.. but then surely that means i done the right thing? Guilt is a horrible feeling, maybe one day i will forgive myself for hurting you... maybe

I found out you're going on a date today. I knew you wouldn't wait and i know i broke up with you. but it's been just over a week since we split and you were really against it and phoned me the next day to talk me out of it.. I guess in a way it makes it easier. You were still on dating sites saying you were single when we were trying to work through issues and meeting them as 'friends.' I couldn't really trust you and i guess this proves it. I just keep wondering if you're take her back to the flat that was supposed to mine and that i'm still partly paying for. I feel like a mug for caring that i hurt you, still i'm in a bterr place away from you and that will make me smile today

i'm not sure i'll ever truly forgive you for ruining my christmas and then calling me selfish. Less than four days before christmas when special food had already been bought for you by my parents as you don't like christmas dinner. You say you want to go to you nans. I have no problem with this and say we can work out a way to do both; Just find out the details so i can arrange things with my parents. You don't, you then get in a mood and later on say you've cancelled it with your nan. On christmas day, you wake up moody and don't get dressed in time. You start an argument with me and threaten to split up with me. You say i'm selfish and should have cancelled with my parents as you don't often get to go to your nans. You say you don't want to come to my parents at all, so i go alone and have to lie and say you're ill. Wondering the whole day if i'm going to go back to a relationship, while you spend the whole day at home... I was trying to compromise and do both and apparently i'm selfish for that, 4 days before christmas i can't just cancel with my parents completely.. it was my christmas too and i wanted to see them too...

i'm so sorry for hurting you. I'm so sorry i couldn't let go and feel like i did before. I wanted it work, but my heart wouldn't let it. I'm sorry you fell in love with me and shared all these feelingw with me that i tried so hard to return and couldn't. I'm so terribly sorry for what i did to you, my best friend. I have a hole where you used to be, but i refuse to keep doing this to you when i'm not 'all in' I'm sorry.. please forgive me