The worst mistake of my life???

[star23]

Please help!! (sorry I know its lengthy, but its a complicated situation)

I broke up with my ex about two months ago, we were going out for over 4 yrs. Everything was ok up until the last six months...I dont know why it happened but I started to question my feelings for him; I wasn't sure if I loved him anymore and I didn't understand why (and I still dont for that matter.) He treated me absolutely amazing and would have done anything for me..it got to the point where he would want to kiss me and I didn't even feel like kissing him back. At this point I decided it just wasn't fair to be with him and so I told him that I thought we should break up. Suprisingly, he told me that he had been feeling really frustrated and stressed out and he thought it was a good idea (i'm sure the sex had a lot to do with this). When I told my friends that he had felt the same way, they said that he probably just said it cause he was angry that I was breaking up with him...I still don't know if this is true.

At first it was really easy but then as time progressed I began to doubt myself and question my motives. I began to think about all the good times that we shared together and how we had been through so much together. I'm starting to miss him a lot and there isn't a day that passes that I don't think about him. I don't understand why this is happening to me..maybe I just need to get out there and meet new people but I honestly can't imagine myself being with anyone else. I feel like if we got back together maybe things would be different and I would begin to feel like how I felt in the beginning, maybe all we needed was a break. I don't sure if I should try to talk to him about this because I have no idea how he feels. I just don't want to go through the rest of my life wondering if I made a huge mistake..... Any advice out there?

Thanks](*,) ](*,)

[Jjasonn28]

Hello there.

 

Well from what I understand, the reason for the break up is that after being together for 4 years, it felt like the spark was gone. I am curious as to wether after feeling this way for a while, did you and he try to discuss things? Or was it something that was pushed aside?

 

In most relationships, at some point or another, to some extent, this will happen. I think it is very important to talk about it, and try to mutually find some way to get through the plateau. Ignoring it, and 'hoping things might change' without both people acknowledging the problem will inevitably lead to stronger doubts. I speak from experience.

 

In regards to your question of wether or not you should seek him out and find out how and what he feels.. I say why not? If in fact, the relationship did end somewhat mutually, on good terms, and there is no real resentment on his part, what do you have to lose? But if you do decide to ask him, keep in mind that he may be very guarded about his feelings. Sure, he agreed with the reasons you broke up, but that doesn't mean it didn't break his heart.

 

If somehow it ends up that the both of you want to try again, then great. Perhaps you can both learn from the experience, and can build a 'new' relationship with a better understanding of them.

 

Or, he wont feel the same, and then, at least you will know.

[star23]

To the above member:

Thanks for taking the time to read this and sharing your thoughts...I understand that I really have nothing to lose but what if the only reason why I feel this way is because I'm lonely...I know that this may sound strange but I'm not even completely sure how I feel. What if we did get back together (if he took me back that is) and then a couple months down the road, I started to feel the same way again....it would be a disaster!

[star23]

Thanks for your thoughts Elie,

 

Who knows...maybe were not ready to discuss things yet anyways. However, he did send me an email a couple weeks ago asking how I was doing and when he seen my friend he asked her too..I dunno what to think of this. I know for a fact though that he goes out and parties every weekend, which I guess in most cases is normal considering we were together for so long. I should probably be doing the same myself..but I'm not really into the whole bar scene anymore and I find it hard to meet a guy in a bar unless I'm drunk anyways.......

 

I'm always hoping that he'll call me or we'll run into eachother somehow....

[rimshot22]

Your situation sounds earily similar to my own-except I'm the guy. My relationship lasted over 3 years and my ex developed doubts which led to our mutual break up. I would say that he definitely was frustrated and possibly was thinking along the same lines as you were prior to your breakup. Two people who are that close can sense changes in feelings (I know that I did). My two cents, from the guy's perspective (who is also broken-hearted), is to only contact him if you are SURE that HE is who you want. Don't give any false hope, or just check in to "see" how you feel. That will only hurt him and not allow him to move on as quickly. I think you are correct in thinking of his feelings before you do anything. However, if you are CERTAIN you want to be with HIM, go for it! Even if his response is negative, you will know that you tried....please just make sure it is what you want.

[Jjasonn28]

To the above member:

Thanks for taking the time to read this and sharing your thoughts...I understand that I really have nothing to lose but what if the only reason why I feel this way is because I'm lonely...

 

Hello star.

 

Well, it very well could be, that these feelings, or regrets are that you aren't missing him necessarily, but more that you are missing the companionship and comfort of being in a relationship...

 

But I still think its better that you find out. Im not saying go back to him and get into a relationship.. Im just saying contact him. If things are cordial, and friendly, meet him for lunch. Take things from there. It should be pretty evident after spending some time with him wether deep inside, there is a 'bond' between you, and wether there is that primal 'spark'.

 

I know that this may sound strange but I'm not even completely sure how I feel. What if we did get back together (if he took me back that is) and then a couple months down the road, I started to feel the same way again....it would be a disaster!

 

 

That is absolutely right, a disaster it would be. Which is why Im suggesting to take things slow. Test the waters for both yours, and his sake. First things first.... find out if he is even willing to talk to you, or meet you for a coffee...

 

Also... dont shut yourself out from other opportunities. What I mean is, you are in fact single right now. Perhaps go on a date or two? This also would help you to identify wether you miss him, or 'somebody'.

 

Its a delicate situation, just do what is in your heart.

[star23]

Thanks Jason...

Actually I just recently signed up for Lavalife and have been looking around on there..I figured that it was worth a shot and my mom met her boyfriend and probably future husband off there!

I know its a little low...but there is a lot of averge normal people like myself that go on there..this is the 21st century right? lol

Anyways, the only thing thats standing in the way right now is my pride, I know that it shouldn't be an issue cause I'm the one that broke up with him. ...but thats just it...if I'm the one that broke up with him then maybe he'll wonder what the heck I'm doing calling him. I guess I cant predict anything, I'll just have to see what happens..................