NIN2000

Her excuse for postponing on both occasions was a work related emergency requiring her attention to deadlines.

Wiseman2, thank you for your response. However, I’ve learned in life that people will find time and energy to do the things that they want. In the second cancellation, she didn’t offer an alternative or a follow up date. Just an apology, followed by no follow up plans and cold silence. On the other hand, I was very interested in her, nevertheless this doesn’t seem sincere.

We met at a dinner party of a mutual friend.

Recently I met someone at an office through a business deal. As I sat in her office I was in shock by her beauty, her charm and positive demeanor. At the same time I felt confused and a strong sense of deja-vu overwhelmed me.

During our meeting we veered off business talk and began talking about our personal lives, specifically travel. To my surprise she volunteered personal information, such as the neighborhood she lives in, and shared that she is “single” along with the type of flowers she likes. 

Regardless, I did not ask her out nor got her number. Instead I felt confused with a high level of deja-vu, as if I had known or spoken with this woman before. 

Later that night, everything became clearer. Specifically, with clarity I recalled where I had met and spoken with this women before. I even recalled what we spoke about.

As a result, on the next day I passed by her office and left her a thank card with her secretary. In one hour she called me, happy and very elated by my action. I then shared our past encounter and she admitted having a strong sense of deja-vu when I was in her office on the prior day. 

We spoke a little and before getting off the phone she asked me to stay in touch. At that point, I explained that I was leaving town for a week but upon my return would like to invite her out to lunch. She became very excited and agreed on a day.

During my travels we stayed in touch via text, but nothing elaborate. However, I was surprised by many of her responses stating that she couldn’t wait to get together and see me again. 

When the lunch date arrived, she called me to cancel due to a work emergency. She apologized and promised to make up for it. In the same conversation she stated that she was staying late at work and ask me to pass if I was in the area. When I passed by she gave me a big hug, flattered me with compliments on my clothing and became very flirtatious. We then looked at the calendar and a dinner date. 

Everyday after this encounter she would text me messages eager for our dinner date to arrive. Three days prior to meeting up, I called her to make final arrangements such as time and place to dine; she then stated that she would call me back. Instead of calling she sent me a long apology text -once again cancelling, this time with a lame excuse of why she could not make it. Moreover, she didn’t even bother offering an alternative date and just went cold silent. I don’t understand why someone would go through all this effort, and with no logical reason close the door and treat me as persona non grata.

Even though she doesn’t owe me anything, I felt misled and somewhat emotionally used.

Why shower me with praise? Why urge me to pass by her office more often to see her? Why the endless text messages expressing how happy I made her day with my card, text, dinner, messages or flirtatious comment's? Why keep this chain of events going and on the day of getting together responding with an apologetic cancelation? Why waste such time?

We all faced rejection in life. However, what bothered me more was the misleading contradiction of her actions. This was coordinated and for what reasons I don’t know. Eventually I have to return to her office and deal with her for business reasons. When it happens, I will smile, keep it professional and avoid bringing the topic up and move on. It’s best to avoid (on a personal level) people like that. However, I don’t forget and the feeling of being emotionally misled will always bother me. It’s disappointing and to a degree disrespectful.

What do you think?

I have a faint memory of my 8th birthday, stunning till today was the indifference of all involved: my mother, step father, grandfather etc. It shocked me to the point that I never again celebrated another birthday.

I remember at age 25 a few friends surprised me with a cake and sang me happy birthday. I remember feeling surprised yet feeling awkward. Awkward that a few friends sang me happy birthday while my parents, brother and immediate family never bothered to call or mention anything.

By age 30, the loneliness of my birthday was much deeper, to the point that I ignored the day all together and instead decided to go to work and keep my mind preoccupied with the goal passing the day fast. Upon arriving at work, a good friend of mine took me to his office, called his wife and his two year old daughter (who till today I adore) sang me happy birthday. Privately I cried. 

Years ago my aunt sent me a text wishing to meet up for by birthday week. Quickly it became apparent that she did not know the month or day of my birthday. She was 3 months off and I politely declined.  

Then there was my x-girlfriend, we are 32 days apart on our birthday. However, as my birthday got closer I noticed that there was no mention nor the slightest idea that my birthday was arriving. The day arrived, she was off from work and was clueless of my birthday. On the same day, my attorney, who knew my birthday as a result of legal issues contacted me and invited out to lunch. I accepted, told my girlfriend that I had a business meeting and left in her own world.

My brother, my parents, my aunt, my girlfriend-those who are supposed to be important in my life never mentioned a word.

As I get older, the thought of my birthday becomes harder to accept. It’s a day filled with empty memories of neglect, emptiness and regrettable memories which I can’t shake nor shake. February 9 is the worst day of my life. 
 

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

tolerate the likes of your girlfriend because no one will change for you.

You are absolutely correct in your entire response. This is an issue of different personalities and expectations, and I am realizing that we are not compatible. The righting is on the wall, as painful as it will be, I'm going to have to cut my losses and move on with life.

I've dated plenty but never was there an issue of hygiene or cleaning with any of my past girlfriends. 

Thank you for your reply.

38 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I'm surprised you didn't see that behavior in the past, as I'm assuming you had her sleep over before you moved in.

The behavior has been there but it has had its up's and down's. The first time it happened, I sat down with her and politely asked her to help me keep the house clean and organized. At first she felt embarrassed by her bad habits, with time she started to make faces and act like if I was pestering her. It was then that I started to realize that we have different expectations when it comes to cleaning and personal hygiene. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Tell her your expectations:

I've sat down with her in the past and explained that I clean up after myself and ask that she do the same. I don't like food in the bedrooms due to possible spills, bugs, etc. Sometimes she helps me in the garden, gets sweaty and then leaves to go see her family. At night she returns and "forgets to take a shower." The next day, when we wake up, her side of the sheets has black dirt on it due to her dirty feet. (This has happened a few times). I understand scenarios when she woke up late and is running for work, as a result, she left the bathroom messy -that's fine, that happens to all of us. But when I wake up and find dirty dishes left on the dinning room table, an empty Coke bottle in the bathroom, a half Coke bottle in the bedroom on the floor, dirty laundry on the floor throughout our master bedroom, and it happens over and over and over and she take no corrective action -that's different. The biggest shock in my opinion is her blindness to the above -she sees nothing wrong with walking barefoot outside, soiling her feet and jumping in bed dirty. leaving a mess all over the house is another thing. I've politely explained to her that I don't want to arrive from work and have to pick up after her.

As for the mortgage -my house is paid off, there is no mortgage. 

My girlfriend and I have been living together and in doing so, I am beginning to question if we are compatible. I recognize that relationships are difficult and there are many issues which bring people together or apart -in the end nothing is perfect. 

I am a homeowner and my girl moved in with me over 6 months ago. As a homeowner I take pride in keeping my home clean, organized and properly maintained. On the other hand, my girlfriend is very messy and not too clean. According to her, "I'm picky and overreact". Perhaps I am and I would like everyone to provide me with feedback.

On many occasions, I wake up (my girl works earlier than I therefore she is gone by the time I wake up) and find her pajamas, shoes and other items laying on the bathroom floor, her breakfast half eaten left cold on the dinning room table. As I organize the bed, I find Crums of food in the bedsheets or a few coke cans on the floor next to the bed. We live in a large house with a dinning room and a kitchen and I have asked her NOT to eat in the bedrooms -she on the other hand sees nothing wrong with it.

My girl likes to walk barefooted in the back yard and on many occasions fails to washes her feet before going to bed. On a regular basis, in the morning as I make the bed I find the bedsheets with soiled foot print marks. Sometimes when she has a long workday she refuses to shower and downplays it. I find all of this to be very disgusting.

I've sat down with her and politely explained that I don't want her to pick up after me. At the same time, I expect her to pick up after herself. She downplays the issue and claims that I am "just picky;" I am not happy with any of this and the more we live together the more disgusted I am by her low expectations. In addition, this is my home and I think I deserve some respect.

In the end, I am starting to believe that we are not compatible. We value things differently. What do you think? 

Her episodes occur once a month, prior to the start of her menstrual cycle. She starts to sleep 14-16 hours a day, develops headaches and withdraws from me. She also suffers from depression, no doubt that doesn’t help. Topics of conversation which were once normal or funny a week prior become insulting under these conditions. Once her cycle starts she goes back to normal; however, her comprehension of her behavior from the prior week is warped. I don’t know if it’s the depression (which she’s medicated or something else). Either way, these monthly episodes are destroying our relationship.

Im trying to convince her to see a therapist, and a primary care doctor.

Either-way, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

She would need to talk to her doctor about her symptoms and ask for diagnosis and treatment.

Have you asked her during a calm time if she would like to talk to her doctor? 
 

my girlfriend is in the medical field and thinks “she knows everything” I’ve begged her to get help but she refuses.

Thank you for your response. However, there is more to this story. 
 

my girlfriend suffers from depression and is heavily medicated. No matter, 5 days before her cycle she starts to withdraw from me, sleep 14 hours a day and develop severe headaches.

A week later, after her symptoms pass, she returns to normal and doesn’t even acknowledge her destructive behavior from before.

I’ve been dating someone for 10 months and a disturbing pattern has materialized which is jeopardizing our relationship.

For the most part our relationship is excellent. However, every 30 days, 1 week prior to her menstrual cycle, my girlfriend becomes very tired and sleeps 12, 14 or 16 hours a day. She then develops severe migraines and she withdraws from me. Any conversation during this timeframe is misconstrued -what was a joke yesterday becomes offensive leading to a fight. 

Once her cycle begins her attitude changes for the better. However, she doesn’t seem to understand the damage created from our arguments prior to her cycle.

Anyone experienced anything like this?

32 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Lesson learned, don’t date someone with a pet you wouldn’t want to live with. 

I agree!

14 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

And you are absolutely free to have that freedom, travel, and do anything you like. I think you are out of line though in the sense that you asked your girlfriend to move in but you said: "Your dogs can't come". That's actually really unfair because she never misled you that she has three dogs and even that she wants more dogs.

Though you say you had dogs for a long time but you don't really seem to be a dog person. You seem to think of them as only a nuisance and that's it. You don't actually seem to understand that to a dog owner and especially if they've had a dog a long time, there is a strong bond and love. It's not just a temporary thing like owning a shirt or something and then you decide you need to declutter and you downsize your clothes. I just don't think you get it at all.

You speak quite condescendingly about your girlfriend and her love of dogs, and her dogs.  So yeah I think you should just end the relationship. What you're asking her to do is cruel because the dogs love her and are used to her. When you re home dogs later in life, it causes them trauma. And it causes the owner trauma who had to get rid of them and misses them dearly. 

I don't understand how you actually thought that if you move in together that she would get rid of them for you. That's really selfish.

My girlfriend spends lots of time with me and her sister is always calling her demanding that she spend more time and care of her dog. In other words, my girlfriend loves her dogs but the reason they stink and don’t get bathed for 3 months is because my girlfriend doesn’t take the responsibility.

If she moves in with me and brings her dogs, the above scenario will continue but I will have to do the work. That’s not happening!

She opened the door and brought up the conversation of moving in. I have no objection since she spends 5 out 7 days at my house, but now she insist that the dogs are a part of the move.

Call me selfish (I can care less) however; I am the owner of the property and have a say. If she doesn’t like it, then it’s time to move on. I’m not going to sacrifice my health for anyone.

On 7/25/2022 at 7:27 PM, catfeeder said:

I would lay off the money and material stuff, and go with the allergies.

Nobody should have to live with something that triggers those, it can actually be deadly.

Keep seeing one another and help her find HER new place, but I'd put my foot down on the dog visits for health reasons. If she argues with that, then this is someone without your best interests in mind, and you can do better.

I agree. Thank you for your feedback.

On 7/25/2022 at 9:30 AM, Lambert said:

I think you've received a lot of good advice here. You are incompatible in many areas.  Her dogs are not the only reason but they also highlight her immaturity, selfishness, lack of self awareness, inability to be self-sufficient and poor judgment. 

Why would you:

move forward with all these red flags? Settle for someone so different from your own values and achievements? Sacrifice your health and financial stability? Basically blow up your life?  Do you think you can't find better? 

I agree 100%. Thank you for your feedback.

On 7/25/2022 at 5:46 PM, Jaunty said:

You seem very angry at her, why?  She came with the 3 dogs and you chose to be with her.  The dogs don't seem to have prevented the progression of your relationship.  Frankly, this surprises me - with your negative feelings about her animals, it seems like they would have already come between you.  

That said, you still don't need to sacrifice the lifestyle you've worked hard to have in order to live with her and her dogs. 

Just live separately, if you want to stay together.  

I still have to ask "why" though.  You are mad.  

 

You are wrong, the dogs were never an issue. They were at her apartment with her sister. They were never a part of our relationship. She never brought them to my home nor did she ever discuss or say much about them.
 

Moreover, my girlfriend stays at my home all the time and knows very well how I live. She also knows that I have health issues and has seen how hard I’ve worked to get where I am.

The dog issue materialize recently when we discussed moving in. It was then that she insisted on bringing the dogs and demand that they sleep with us in our bed. (Hell no!)

On 7/25/2022 at 4:06 PM, MissCanuck said:

What other problems have you two had?

I am sensing this is not just about the dogs. You seem very resentful of her so I am wondering what else is contributing to this. 

In all honesty, we dated for a little over 1 year and we never had any issues. This is the first and May be the last.

On 7/25/2022 at 3:22 PM, Cherylyn said:

I've resided in suburban houses all my life.

I grew up having a backyard dog during my childhood.  My parents didn't do anything with the dog other than feed it.  There were no walks, human interaction, regular grooming and the like. 

During the early years of my marriage, my husband and I owned birds, cats, a dog and aquarium fish.  Our young sons had lizards in a terrarium and a hamster. 

We've since owned several indoor dogs along the way.

My beloved Golden Retriever passed away 3 years ago and I miss her sorely everyday.  She was calm, quiet, extremely intelligent, always eager to please, possessed incredible self control, extremely well behaved and the model dog.  I give her the highest praise because she was of noble character and would put many human beings to shame.  She received outstanding care from us including plenty of daily exercise, two 45 minute walks per day rain or shine.  I made her a doggy raincoat!  I cooked homemade dog food for her.  I brushed her coat 3x day, she went to the professional groomer's regularly, my husband brushed her teeth every night, cleaned her ears, she was wiped, cleaned and sanitized EVERYWHERE throughout the day.  She was trained and of 'Guide Dog' for the blind caliber.  I kept her so clean she didn't know what dirt was!  Her paws were cleaned upon entry to the house 6x day.  We don't wear shoes indoors.  She was never on the furniture nor did she ever want to be on the furniture except her extra large dog bed on the floor.  She never begged for table scraps, never jumped on us and had impeccable manners.  One of the saddest days of my life was the day man's or woman's best friend passed away at age 14.  Whenever I think of her, I really can't praise any human being as much as I can praise my late dog. 

My furry pal transformed me into a dog lover. 

Having said that, I doubt that my husband and I will own another dog.  Our previous dog set the bar so high that I doubt I'll find another as good as her but that's not the main reason.  As much as we loved her with utmost devotion as much as the loyalty and love she gave us thousandfold, we want an easier life with less time consuming responsibilities.  We've honored our 14 commitment to give her a great life and we keep moving forward by keeping busy as pet-less.  I see a lot of dog walkers in my neighborhood and admire other dog owners but my husband and I are done regarding pet ownership. 

The freedom to come and go as we please, not worry about kenneling or dog sitting while we're not home, not having to race back home to let the dog out or feed it, not having veterinary and dog food expenses and more TIME is something my husband and I savor nowadays. 

Like you, my mortgage is paid off, I own my house free and clear.  I'm a clean freak and a neat freak.  I no longer tolerate fur and dander.  My allergies are nowhere near as bad as if was before. 

I've outgrown dog ownership.  Been there done that.  However, I enjoy other people's pets occasionally.  My sister has 2 dogs and after being at her house with ear piercing barking noises, I've had my fill and ready to go back to my quiet, dog-less, cleaner house. 

Don't move in together.  Change the dynamic of your boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with new enforced boundaries.  If you can't compromise, then you don't have a long term future with your girlfriend.  Remain realistic, practical and move on. 

 

My condolences for the loss of your pet. Everything you stated, I felt and experienced as a teenager. After my dog of 14 years passed away, like you I decided to utilize my free time differently. 
 

Dog ownership is a serious responsibility which requires time and devotion. While I no longer have the time nor devotion I am also concerned that my girlfriends standards for dog ownership contradict mine. She rarely gives them a bath, brushes their coat nor offers them proper exercise; and I can see myself having to do these (unwanted) task.

I am the home owner who paid off the mortgage -not her. I will not allow any pets in my home. If she doesn’t like it, she can move on. But I’m not reversing my stance.

On 7/25/2022 at 12:53 AM, MissCanuck said:

Just break up with her. You two are not compatible long-term. 

Agreed.

On 7/24/2022 at 6:36 PM, Andrina said:

I really don't understand why you didn't have the foresight to put pet owners on a no-date list.

If your longterm goal was to have a lifetime partner, why did you even bother dating her? Most longterm couples end up moving in together eventually. 

If she decided on being a dog owner after she began dating you, knowing you were allergic, well then that's the point you should have broken up.

I would also question her decision making skills as it's a lot of work to walk three dogs many times a day when there is no yard at her apartment. 

I entered in a relationship with an interest of getting to know and date my girlfriend, not with an interest of adopting 3 smelly dogs. Her pets were never an issue as she kept them at her apartment. Usually we spend time at my home, we travel without the dogs. We go to the beach, restaurants, concerts and watch movies without dogs.

This issue (moving in together) came up recently.
She insisted on moving in with the dogs. Btw, my girlfriend works in the medical field, her jobs consist of 12 hour shifts. During her work hours I would have to feed and take out the dogs. I wouldn’t mind these task for a few days but definitely not for a lifetime.

I had dogs for 22 years. I know how much work they are and I’m in a state in my life which I no longer desire those task.

I want to return to the south of France for 6 weeks and not have to accommodate for a pet. I want freedom!

On 7/25/2022 at 12:45 PM, tattoobunnie said:

Speaking as a dog owner with kids, I advised you to never have kids and never have dogs.  They are messy, destroy things, and beyond noisy.  Sure, they will love you with every fiber in their being and bring endless meaning to your life.  But that's not for you.  You two are incompatible.

My dog opened my heart so much that it made room in my world, and I got with the love of my life.  And I loved my life and very proud of it, but having kids, I truly felt like I knew the meaning of life then.  

And it's okay to never want kids or pets.  I just don't think you two will work out.

I'm on year three for allergy shots now btw.

The image is of my hub's who never owned a dog, didn't ever want a dog, but now is a sad clown if she doesn't sleep with him.

Thank you for your feedback.

You are right, dogs are not for me and that is why I haven’t owned one for over 20 years. Not will I allow anyone to shove three (3) smelly dogs into my life.

I have no problem terminating our relationship and moving on with my life. 

On 7/25/2022 at 11:05 AM, reinventmyself said:

Her wanting to keep her dogs is just as valid as you not wanting them in your life.

There is no right or wrong.  No reason to state your case.  You are totally entitled to feel the way you do.  So does she.

You need to remember, wanting her to do away with her dogs, though you didn't come right out and say that, is no different than wanting a mother to rehome her children.  It just isn't going to happen.

Continue to live separately or consider this a mismatch.

I agree.

However, my point is deeper than that. Specifically, if the tables were reversed, I wouldn’t dare move into someone’s home and make demands knowing that the property is not mine.

1 hour ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Yikes, I wouldn't push the moving in issue. This obviously wont work for you and that is ok. You are two different people with different needs. I would keep separate residences for now. And if you decide to have her move in, please note that dogs shouldn't be kept outside. The other person recommending you to keep the dogs OUTSIDE is not good advice. They are not meant to live outside under any circumstances. 

As long as the deed of the house has my name, I assure you that dogs will not live on my property.

Thank you for your feedback.