Sportster2005

Just reread some of my journal from this time last year.

It's hard to believe I am sneaking up on being together with SL for one year.

It's been a slow roll, that's for sure. But one I am thankful for.

The intensity, good or bad has been replaced with an easy comfort I can't put into words.

All I know is it just keeps getting better.

Awesome :) Happy for you :)

 

It's boring, I watch the clock and every once in while I need to check on the millennials to make sure they aren't running amuck.

 

I've always been high energy. I can stand longer than I can sit. I need to be challenged and need a purpose.

So why not quit?? Because I am in my late 50's and they pay me a ridiculous amount of money to be here. Granted, my quality of life is always more valuable then the money, but starting my career at 40 puts me behind as far as retirement is concerned. I don't want to work forever. That and collectively between my vacation, sick time and holidays, I get close to 2 months off in a year. What I don't use rolls over to the next year. The thought of starting over somewhere else with 2 weeks off in one calendar year stops me cold in my tracks

 

Just venting. . I just need to suck it up.

I often wonder when they'll catch onto me. With that said the cycle will start again, but not for another year. The leases for all our spaces start to come to term the end of next year and that's when capital items are typically addressed. IF they address them. But prior to this I would routinely have 2 or 3 projects a quarter irregardless of the timing of the leases. Now. . nuthin'

 

Hmmm. . what's for lunch?

You're not alone. I'm stuck in a job with little to no hope for retirement.

I ended my military career early. My ex-wife had the potential to make more money, and the Air Force wanted to post us to a semi-isolated location. That would mean my ambitious ex-wife would have to give up a good job/career. So we decided I would retire early. I have a small pension, which gets eaten up by child support.

Then at 45 I found my single and having to start over. I took some IT training after leaving the military. I was lucky and have been employable. I had some mutual funds. I had to cash most of them to survive. I'm 56 and can't see a path to retirement. I'm stuck where I am also. I'm not redundant, but for other reasons, this job doesn't fit well. It's also never stable. We've almost been closed down a few times. We are fairly stable now. But things happen quickly, and there's never a guarantee.

I need to be challenged and need a purpose.

Yup. I am challenged, but not in a positive way. It's often overwhelming without results. I try to find purpose outside of work. I also look for challenges outside of work. But I can't shake the depressive idea though of not retiring. And I don't want to be here anymore. But to maintain my quality of life I need to be here.

Hope that doesn't bring you down more :) Just trying to empathise :) I think there's a lot of us in this situation.

I pulled out of my garage early this morning to see SL parked on my street and get out of his truck!

He just wanted a kiss good morning and granted we live close by and he gets up early to surf. He thought he'd surprise me.

 

It was nice. . but. . .I've just had some bad experiences with

unstable men and to see him on my street unannounced freaked me - the - heck - out.

 

Still trying to shake it off. .

Yup, that's just wrong.

This may be premature but I don't think I'll hear from him again. He text me a flirty Bitmoji and 10 mins later sent it again and quickly apologized, that it was meant for his golfing buddy. Riiight.

 

I recalled a request that stood out to me but I hadn't processed. A couple days ago he asked for me send him pictures so he didn't have to log onto to the website to see them. Who cares unless he's concerned that someone is monitoring his activity?

 

That and he volunteered his ex is on the same website and he overshared about their breakup.

I've been wrong before, but

. . Oh well

Sounds odd. Maybe he's hinting he doesn't want to be on the site much since he met you. Which is strange. I can't think of an explanation for him wanting pictures that doesn't seem strange. At least strange to me.

If you're ambivalent and just 'meh', don't give into to the whole challenge thing. I think it's part of the whole "want what you can't have" dynamic. I think we all have done/do it at one time or another. Nature of the beast. Not very useful though.

I met with the high school sweat heart, G on Saturday. We talked for about 10 hours. I left somewhat drained and a combination of relieved and sad.

 

He was this beautiful young man, brilliant and intense. If I stare long enough could see that in him today but for the most part he's not taken care of himself and has led a pretty dramatic and challenging life and it shows on him.

He's busy running around saving everyone from themselves he doesn't take care of himself.

 

Our paths have been so profoundly different, I just can't relate to his. Ex's with drug habits. Loosing custody of his first daughter and not having a relationship with her. Step son in jail. Supporting family members who choose not to work, or come up with enough excuses to not.

 

He seems happy though? But I don't know if it's a front, which would be typical for someone to display that to someone they hadn't seen in years.

I am glad I got to spend some time with him. I got some answers I needed and maybe some I didn't want to hear.

I still haven't processed the whole thing.

 

And when saying goodbye. . He tells me he never stopped loving me. . ugh.

I feel a little irresponsible

Quite a sad story

Try not to feel responsible for other's feelings. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

I'm sitting here waiting for my oil change on my car with nothing better to do, so I go back and review K's profile.

He lists he's into, among other things TS/TV/TG

Naive me Google's it:

Trans sexual, T vestite, T Gender.

I may never leave my driveway again

OMG. Kind of funny, but not in a ha ha kind of way.

I had created an OLD profile on a website I had never used before. It's been idle. I might look at my in box and shudder every 3 or 4 days and I will let my subscription run out the end of this month.

 

This morning on my FB page I have a high school (male) friend ask me if he has seen me on Zoosk. He goes on in length that he wasn't able to open my page and read my bio.

Mind you, I haven't seen this guy since we were kids.

 

I am reeling that he thought to ask me that in the most public way, on a profile picture that is open to public view, not private. He has private messaged me before (our families were friends) to tell me of

someone passing, so I would guess he had some social skills?

 

I was not happy. Deleted the picture and unfriended him.

That escalated quickly Can't says I blame ya. That is just strange. Why would someone do that? Rhetorical.

You're right, but the problem I have is he had lost the weight when I ran into him last year. He had gone about it by doing some controversial injections and limiting himself to something crazy, like 500 calories a day.

When he dropped the weight he had the best of intentions to maintain it but over the course of the 3 mo's we dated he put close to 30 of it back on! Every time I saw him he gave me an update on his weight gain ;/ ?

Even when he's heavy, he's still an attractive man. I just get stuck on this one.

 

So here we are this year. He did the injection therapy again. Looks good. But can he maintain it?

Taking shortcuts is not an act of discipline.

 

And the drinking hasn't changed . .from what I can tell with one dinner.

He greeted me and I could smell alcohol his breath, assuming that's what he did while waiting for me at home. Over a 2 hour dinner he had 3 glasses of wine.

 

Mind you . . It's not my business and I am all for living ones life they way they choose to.

But I draw the line between someone who likes to drink and someone who needs to.

I am not sure which side he's on . . .but it's awfully suspect.

 

He's talked about not drinking for periods of time before.

Date 2, round 3 tonight.

Couldn't agree more. Permanent weight changes require permanent habit changes. Injections??? Holy crap. That and the 500 cal diet would frighten me. That's just bizarre IMHO. I would be less concerned about the weight.

 

What I don't like about K is he drinks a little too much for my liking and he can be pretty cocky at times. That and I hope he can keep the weight off.

I'd like to think that I am bigger than that and can look past it. . but I've tried and I can't.

 

Look past the drinking or the weight issue?

Being attracted to people who look after themselves isn't about being the 'bigger' person. He's made an effort to lose weight and make other changes. Good on him. Could this make him more attractive to you? Increase that chemistry? Attraction and chemistry are closely linked.

It does seem to take an inordinate amount of time to get them out of the system. But you sound like happiness and peace is finding you know, more often that not. Keep climbing that hill, sounds like you'll be at the top anytime now.

That's one of the problem with texts. He may have been nervous and was trying to be cute/funny. But it's hard to do over text. If he said in person with an obvious silliness in his voice and with matching body language that said "I'm just goofing around" it would have been different. You may still not have liked it, but I bet donuts to dollars you would be less annoyed. And on your side, if this was in person, you could have playfully rolled your eyes and said "hardly". Playfulness often falls on its face in texting.

Putting all that aside, if you're really not into him, there's nothing he can do that you are going to find appealing. If you were into him you may have even found it cute and answered "ahhh of course I miss you and want to have wild passionate sex with you". Hyperbole for sure, but trying to make a point.

A friend of mine met a woman on Match about five years ago. He was just out of a relationship and didn't want anything serious, she did, he dumped her. She made a spreadsheet with reasons why he should date her. He said you can't leave a woman who uses a spreadsheet to persuade. They were married this past weekend. So I think any relationship that involves a spreadsheet is going to last

Congratulations RIV, and sorry about the kitty, but it was for the best.

I'm such a softy for kittens. And Toby is just about as adorable and cute as they get.

It's just uncanny.

It happens every time. The moment I get out of a relationship my ghosts come out of the closet.

I mentioned my high school sweetheart who friend requested me within a couple days of my breakup. (nothing to report which is good)

 

Now on Mothers Day I get a MDay greeting from a phone number I didn't recognize. About a year ago I purged all unneeded numbers.

You can enter a number in the name space on facebook and come up with the profile associated with the number.

 

It was the guy I dated in 2014 that originally brought me here. It's one of the once (or twice) in a lifetime crazy connection, off the chart chemistry things that kinda just blinded me into going with it. It was my one and only attempt at a casual fling that I ultimately could not continue with.

 

He is adorable and fun. He had just gotten out of relationship and his life was in disarray and not looking for relationship. He was always very transparent with me and tried to talk me into continuing but I know myself better and could already feel myself getting attached. We ended on great terms.

 

Random that we haven't spoken in over 2 years and he thinks of me on Mothers day?

He text me again last night and we exchange a few more before I told him it was getting late and I needed to go.

 

He has recently met someone special and looking to see where it goes - which I find interesting in a way.

Here's this non committal man who is entering a relationship and randomly thinks of someone he met over 2 years ago?! What?

I don't think it's a coincidence and I think it's often someone's way of feeling like they are keeping one foot out the door.

 

Anyway. . Just needed to write this down.

Like I often say: I think people have Lo Jack or something. This type of thing happens every time I end a relationship.

Wondering what's next? Lol

There is no such thing as randomness when it comes to contacting someone. How can it be? There is a reason. And when someone contacts us, the explanation is always the simplest one. And that reason is, they thought of us. That's the easy part. The hard part is what are they thinking about us? and how much? and what were their expectations? Of course we can't answer these without seeking the answers. I tend to agree with you. He's keeping one foot out the door. But you never know for sure. I find some people stay in our orbits for many reasons, until some day leaving our gravity and continuing on their own journey.

Hope you feel better soon. This stage always sucks.

Road Trip! ]

 

Are you the gorgeous one on the right, or the gorgeous one on the left?

Maybe it's the alignment of the stars.

 

I went into an area of construction on one of the floors of our building.

No workers were there, but I am pretty much guaranteed privacy and no one can find me.

 

I think I just needed to cry. I tried. . didn't do very well at that either.

 

I miss S. . well, the good parts at least. Or - mostly frustrated at the little return for my investment.

Maybe I just miss belonging to someone. That someone cares.

 

I miss my cat. She belonged to me.

 

I'll chalk this up to waking up on the wrong side of the bed kinda day

Given recent misfortunes I think it's perfectly normal what you are feeling. You're grieving two big losses. Take time, and be good to yourself. Can you spoil yourself some way? Just get a little reprieve.

For now. . . Nothing needs to said. Besides, I need to limit exposure to drama.

Ready to wrap up April and put it behind me.

Good plan. It was a horrible month for you

It's almost impossible to interpret social media. It leads to a lot of mind reading. I take the position if they are interested then they have to step up.

Why do you want to communicate with him? What would you talk about? Yes, rhetorical. Just something to ponder.

I'm home. My mom, my son's just left and it's just me and Macy. (Cat #2)

 

Hardest thing I've ever done was to let her go. They found cancer in her jaw.

I could have brought her home and kept her comfortable for possibly two months or let her go.

 

I got to hold her while they put her to sleep. I've cried so much my head is pounding. . .Gut wrenching experience.

 

RIP Xena B.

So sorry for your loss reinventmyself. I'ts so heartbreaking to say good bye to our much loved pets.

That's great. I feel so bad right now. The vet was dismayed at the condition of Xena's teeth. I got a scolding. I ended up walking out with my tail between my knees.

At the same time most of my friends have cats and haven't done the cleanings either.

That just angries up my blood. Scolding a grown adult at a time like that. What an A SS. I would have given him, or her, a very colorful F U and taken my cat elsewhere.

So, do you ladies pay for teeth cleaning for your pets?

 

I am so conflicted. Vets seem to upsell you on things so it's hard to trust them that they need regular dental cleaning. We might all be doing it if it was remotely affordable, right?

 

Considering we've had domesticated animals forever and nowa'days vets make you feel neglegant for not doing it.

 

At the same time, I've had a toothache where I felt like I wanted to take my life.

 

Just curious how you feel about it. .

I've had cats almost my entire life. Never even heard of paying for teeth cleaning. I've lost many cats over the years. Recently the boy's cat died after 17 years. Her teeth were fine, right up to the end. My current cat is almost ten. Her teeth are fine. I definitely think it's an upsell.

Your cat is gorgeous. Glad it was nothing too serious.

I have deleted his numbers and blocked fb.

It's not his contact that makes me nervous. . .it's the emotions I think I am stuffing and are about to spill out unexpectedly.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

I suppose my purpose for sharing the story was to paint an overall picture of someone who by large is intolerant and rigid.

Just one more piece to a puzzle.

I envy (to a degree) his discipline, but in that moment when I realized what life would be like, collectively is may just a too rigid for me.

That in itself wouldn't have been an issue but when I look at everything as a whole, this gave me snap shot of what life with him would look like.

My biggest concerns were his insecurities, intolerance and control issues.

Him trying to convince that dishes should be rotated was a little much. It's not my business that he prefers it that way.

The word I chose, neurotic come from a place of being hurt and emotional

I don't think what you describe is discipline. It's obedience. Obedience to compulsive behavior. Nothing to envy.

I think you're correct. I think most people would find that too rigid. And I wouldn't shy away from the neurotic word.

This is the 2nd time it goes south so quickly, it makes my head spin.

It's done.

No going back. I made sure of that.

So sorry to hear reinventmyself.

Don't know what to day, so I'll say nothing, except hope you're doing well despite this.

Wow, sounds a bit overwhelming. "Modern Family" meets "Guess Whose Coming to Diner." Hope the mother is fine.