claire_40

I had to cancel my appointment with a potential marriage counselor, but hope to reschedule it soon. So far, my husband has continued to resist going, but I'm still holding out hope. In the mean time I'm looking for some advice.

I have some pretty low self esteem and seem to be concerned a lot about our marriage. My husband tells me that he would never leave me and that this is all my problem because of my low self esteem. I think that he contributes to my low self esteem when he says negative things.

His job takes him away from home a lot and sometimes I worry that he's so unstatisfied with me that he'll decide "the grass is greener". If I mention my concerns or fears he tells me things like this: "You're the worst wife I know and the least supportive of my job. I would be embarrassed if anyone knew that you are the way you are about my job."

I think that comments like this contribute greatly to my concerns about my marriage.

What do you think?

It actually sounds to me like the kids are really normal. The 8 year old may be a little more cooperative but the 12 year old is starting into adolesense. This is a tough time for any child.

Cindy sounds overworked and exhausted. She probably could use some help with the house work and with the kids. It's tough to come home from work and have to deal with the house and the kids. I agree that spanking and cussing at the kids is inappropriate and that Cindy could benefit from some parenting classes, but what she could probably use even more is support from her friends and family. Have you thought about helping Cindy out around the house? If you're there when she arrives home from work, are you helping the kids to pick up, helping them with homework or making dinner?

I'm concerned for the well being of Cindy and her kids, but I'm actually more concerned with your attitude towards Cindy. When you say that she doesn't keep a clean house and are complaining about how she handles the kids I wonder if you really think that Cindy is all that great?

Thanks for the help. I'm not ready to give up yet. I have too many years invested in this relationship.

It would be great if he would go to counseling, but he won't. I'm hoping a marriage counselor will help me figure out if he really is self centered and disrespectful or if it's my own insecurities that make me assume that everything he says is a put down. Does that make sense? I think somewhere along the way I lost my ability to see this clearly.

It will be a long road either way. I'm glad this forum is here to help out. I feel better just being able to get some of this off my chest.

My husband and I argue nearly daily. Usually it's because I think he doesn't respect me. He seems to question my intelligence or ablility in almost everything. I've decided to see a marriage counselor by myself to help me figure things out. Has anyone else tried going to a marriage counselor alone?

Of course the time spent away at the counselors won't make him happy because I won't be able to get his laundry done! (Just being a smart aleck.)

For future reference, though, I am only able to post after he goes to bed or when he's at work, so, many times, I won't be able to answer back for over 24 hours. He would be furious if he knew I was airing our dirty laundry on here.

I really need to know more about your situation to understand. The mental picture I had of him sitting in bed with his clothes off while his kids are getting ready to go out on a family outing freaks me out.

 

I don't think I worded it wrong. Last night we had a similiar problem. We were all ready to go out for New Years-the kids were really excited. He asked me to get him a towel so he could take a shower (7 pm-he was just getting around to it because he'd been on the computer all day) so I grabbed one (the laundry still isn't all put away because we've been gone for several days). Then he says know there haven't been towels in here for weeks (an exageration) are we ever going to have towels in here again? I got angry and tell him he's always welcome to put them away. He says it's "not his job"....you can see the argument starting. He finally says he's not going. So now the kids are in tears because they wanted to go. I can't go alone (it's a long story as to why) so I beg and plead with him and totally demean myself to convince him that he needs to go so the kids aren't disappointed because of our miserable relationship. He finally gives in and we have a decent time.

 

What worries me is that you are up at this hour writing about him. I am not sure what part of the states you are in, but if it is in the central or the east, but it is late.

 

I was up late, because the only time I'm comfortable being on this site is when he's not home or in bed. Since he slept all day, he was up quite late. Today's he's at work.

It is possible he's depressed. We talked about that once before. He just continues to refuse to go to counseling. The other thing I've noticed is that the higher my self-esteem goes, the more we argue. When he says "Could you get me a shirt because they haven't been in the closet for 2 weeks." I take that to mean "You're a bad housekeeper because the shirts aren't put away." It may be possible I'm jumping down his throat for no reason. I immediately get defensive and tell him if he wants a shirt he could get one out of the laundry basket. Then it turns into an argument. I appreciate Kamikaze's honsety. And no, I haven't had an affair; I wouldn't do that to him or the kids. I'm just tired of arguing all the time and feeling like he doesn't respect me at all.

I'm hoping puting my thoughts down here and getting input from you will help me. I've been married for a long time and we have 3 children. I haven't been employed outside the house in over 10 years and recently went back to work. I know my self esteem suffered because of the lack of employment. I'm a great mother, but not a great housekeeper. A typical day for us is for him to be on the computer on his day off while the kids and I do everything that needs to be done around the house. Recently, we had plans to go out with the kids. I did everything to get everyone out the door when he disppeared for a while. I found him in bed waiting for me to bring him his clothes (I hadn't had time to put the clothes away). I told him where the clothes were and went back to getting ready. Later, he still was waiting for the clothes. I got angry and took the kids out by myself. Did he really want to go anywhere with us? Was he happy to escape? Was he trying to demean me for not getting the chores done? Or was it just a battle of the wills? Maybe it's become such a habit that he doesn't even see the problem even though I mention it regularly. I'm sure he doesn't mean most of the things he says and does to me to be demeaning, but that's the way I take it. I'd love it if we could do more things together; the everyday and the special. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Counseling is out, he doesn't believe he has a problem.