martyfarty

back at 1.

broke down and called her. then kicked it for a few days. then got stabbed in the heart from a third party.

found out she moved

found out she flunked out of the community college

found out that she wants to hang out with her 'ghetto high school friends'

found out that she wants to buy a house

found out that she is only working a few hours

found out that she wants to eat out, boat rides, shoot guns, etc...

found out her mom always puts her down

found out that her brothers are all losers

and she is turning 30 soon.

Marty: I'm trying to stay away from the booze because it fuels my apprehension for days after.

 

Blondie: Thanks for the reply. This is like a delayed reaction (3 months). I agree "The only way out is through".

Time does heal....Just be careful of the things that suck you back into the anxiety.

 

SB

oh man, you guys got it on the dot. The anxiety does creep up on us. At fist i didn't know how to handle it, but like you guys said. i welcome it. recognize it. listen to it. and let it pass. i get it most of the time when i wake up. or at specific hours, and days of the week.

Clarity:

 

Thanks for the reply.

It's strange that I am feeling this way now - after this amount of time. It feels like a delayed reaction.

I am going to speak to the shrink about it at the weekend.

 

I guess Xanax is just the easy escape, and you are right, feeling the emotion does make one stronger. Reading your words were helpful - Thanks!

 

SB

yeh, i did the whole drinking thing for a week. i'm going cold turkey again starting tomorrow. its not working. makes it worse. but i already knew that and still wanted to try it. go figure.

I F.UCKEN HATE YOU , YOU H.OE! I can't believe how you make it seem like everything was my fu.cken fault! I want to call you to scream at you! But i'm on day 27 of my contact and i'm not f.ucking it up for no one. i'm not like you! i don't like F.ucking things to make a person feel a bit better!

day 27.

still trucking along. the summer heat sucks!

i hate you, b.i.t.c.h.

I'm not sure if you see the irony in this or not.

yeh, we're human. wish i was perfect.

Marty:

 

Why are you not talking or dating females?

I took the opposite approach and dated quite a few girls. I found it a big help and for the first time in my life I've developed some real friendships with girls. No plans to dive into relationships and I'm completely honest and up front about my situation. Find women way more supportive than my male friends.

 

SB

oh, i have a lot of homegirls. They tell me that crap all the time. dating and seeing people makes me feel sick to my stomach still. It feels that i'm lying for some reason. I can't give the 'date' my full attention. I guess i'm the type that hides in a hole until i'm ready to do something.

day 24

i've been drinking more then normal lately. i guess its my way of healing ( use to bartend at a night club ). I'm not talking to any females, nor am i looking. i've been using my time to focus on my business and my future. I guess I can say the cliche sentence: " i'm just doing me "

I refuse to find a rebound. My goal is to face my fears and end up better.

day 22

its been getting a bit better lately. when i wake up in the morning i do still miss her but i'm good at making myself feel numb. other then that, i'm starting to feel better when i go out.

day 20

i'm starting to get use to this. 10 more days till 30! it still hurts. i still have a short emotional temper. i still get a bit of anxiety when i go to places or drive by a few areas. other then that, i have the rest of my life to go! Waiting for Autumn to show up. I can't stand this Vegas Summer Heat!

day 19:

" I guess i had to go to that place to get to this one. "

One day I will be alright

Until then, i'm doing me. No rebounds. No looking. Just time to heal and recover the right way. that is will power. lets do it! i've made it this far. I've learned so much.

i * * * * en hate you, * * * * * . i'm starting to see all the crazy signs. no wonder you been in and out of all the relationships that you have been in. i might have felt insecure about the relationships at times but your twisted ' need a safety net, a shoulder to cry on' bull * * * * is what makes it all * * * * ed up. can't believe I've been with you for 2 years. telling me that you have been married only for paper work 1.5 years later. conniving ass witch!

day 16:

my body is starting to get use to this pain. i'm starting to see it as a bump that i have to get over. i find myself starting to get back into my grove every once in a while instead of slacking off all the time. i still do the whole sad songs, sad movies, self improvement books, but i'm starting to focus on my business again (60 slacking/40). i found myself re-organzing and cleaning today.

day 15

i slept all day yesterday. not sure if it was the flu, or a hang over. i barely got my butt out of bed to come to work--although i got here 2 hours late. trucking forward.... a lot of hot flashes last night. but stayed strong

day 13.

today was sami hard to get over. i tried my best to do things differently from what her and i use to do. at the end of the night i met an old high school friend who's cousin was totally cute. i guess we'll see how it goes. as for yesterday, i went with a home girl to watch Russell peters here in vegas. it was fun. i also ran into another home girl which brought up her name....ehhhh..... fml

day 10!

had some crazy dreams. mostly of me moving on and chatting w/ other girls. oh well. time to keep busy and to do me. got to get my business up and running! it's the only thing i have atm.

day 9.

keep on trucking. can't love someone that does not love you. further more, can't love a girl who you dated for 2 years which never said that she loved me. good enough reason to move on. apathy...

Day 8:

Longest run so far....failed god knows how many times

starting to pick up some steam. now its a number and a pride issue. a home girl told me that the opposite of love is apathy. today i had a 2 dreams of her back to back. the dreams were me helping her w/ her dreams. it was cute and all but it worthless. i guess i'm at that stage and i need to get over it.

day 7.

i've made it to day 7! this is starting to pick up steam! feel good atm. i had a few beers. i'm still watching 500 days of summer every night. i also watched pursuit of happiness today! very good movie! Pursuit of happiness shows a woman what it takes for a man to be happy! must watch.

ending of my relationship story: we dated for 1.5 years. she strung me for 7 months:

when i broke up with my ex because i didn't know what the hell was going on with me ( i got busted for sex txting but never did anything), she started talking and banging someone 2 weeks later. a week later i come back telling, you i love you for the fist time, and she tells me that she is going to give me a chance. but she's already involved with someone else. she strung me a long for 7 months (after proving to her that i would never ever do what i did before--even offered her my phone,etc...) and during the last month i couldn't take much more of it. i finally blew up and gave her my piece of mind. and when i did...dum dum dummmm....i'm a horrible person. been on no contact for a week and some change. every time i went no contact she would look for me and tries to get me back into the loop. this time around i'm ready to thrust forward. it hurts too much to see her, exp. to talk or to even trust her.

lately i've been reading up on A LOT of self help books. trying to understand relationships, and trying to learn what the opposite sex wants out of a relationship. i know everyone's needs are different, but after reading the books i get to figure out which needs that person needs and its up to me to see if i can fulfill it.

im 31 and she's turning 30 (the guy she's seeing is 25.) this july. i bought some disneyland tickets for 7 days and 6 nights all paid for (flight, meals, stay, etc). sucker costed me 4k! i was going to get down on one knee for her that day. the last day i talked to her i told her what was up.

the day u looked for me a month ago i told you that i love you. and the day that i told you is the day i didn't do anything bad.

day 5. sundays are hard but i've been trying to change my rhythm.

i wanted to call her but i tried to keep strong, so i drove around, bought some soda, hung around the park, walked my dog etc...

but this is the ending of my relationship story: we dated for 1.5 years. she strung me for 7 months:

when i broke up with my ex because i didn't know what the hell was going on with me ( i got busted for sex txting but never did anything), she started talking and banging someone 2 weeks later. a week later i come back and she tells me that she is going to give me a chance. but she's already involved with someone else. she strung me a long for 7 months (after proving to her that i would never ever do what i did before--even offered her my phone,etc...) and during the last month i couldn't take much more of it. i finally blew up and gave her my piece of mind. and when i did...dum dum dummmm....i'm a horrible person. been on no contact for a week and some change. every time i went no contact she would look for me and tries to get me back into the loop. this time around i'm ready to thrust forward. it hurts too much to see her, exp. to talk or to even trust her.

lately i've been reading up on A LOT of self help books. trying to understand relationships, and trying to learn what the opposite sex wants out of a relationship. i know everyone's needs are different, but after reading the books i get to figure out which needs that person needs and its up to me to see if i can fulfill it.

im 31 and she's turning 30 (the guy she's seeing is 25.) this july. i bought some disneyland tickets for 7 days and 6 nights all paid for (flight, meals, stay, etc). sucker costed me 4k! i was going to get down on one knee for her that day. the last day i talked to her i told her what was up.

Spirit,

I feel u. Have u seen 500 days of summer?

Day 3 again!

today feels like a bad day but im going to try to change it.

Day 2 Again:

today i've been a bit stronger. i've bought the Venus on fire and Mars on Ice book. i've been reading it to understand relationships in general. i've been watching 500 days of summer almost every night, but i would only watch the ending of the movie. i've been watching the Secret, and any self help books. As for my feelings, i d k, some days are WAY harder then others.