diariescs

I miss you. It aches.

No urge to contact you, but I still think you'd come to me. I got into a car accident the other day. Your absence was definitely felt. Now I'm at home and I feel that absence closing in, squeezing this piece of muscle under my sternum as if to remind me that, hey, I can better myself as much as I want, but time hasn't finished its work yet. I still think you'll show up at my door and blow up my phone one of these days. We'll have another chance at making this work, and we'll fix it.

I miss-- I miss-- I don't know. The life we had. Caring for our puppy together, planning our future, looking at schools and houses, and, most of all, I miss the surety of it all. The finite, factual way we claimed our belonging. I miss the certainty of happiness and companionship.

I mean, I know I can be happy now, too. But I never quite felt as happy as I did when I was in love. Even before we met, those countless years of singlehood were happy but ever, always, filled with wishes to find love. I hear that's a flaw. That one must learn to be content with oneself. The truth is, I am. I always have been. I love myself and I don't need love to survive. I just want it, plainly and with all the honesty one can inject into the desire. I just want love. And because I have developed this attachment towards you - because I've achieved the impossible by lowering my guard and loving you, despite my inexperience and trust issues -- Because of all of that, and because I want love, I want you.

And your absence, my dear. Your absence is felt. I know you might not feel the separation yet. Or maybe you do, who knows? But I know, one day, it will be so potent that you will come to me. I will not wait. I will keep going. But, right now and for as long as it takes to heal, I will be kind to my heart while it misses the living hell out of you.

Nannystudent:

I think, even now, there is debate on the whole NC-8wks theory, so I wouldn't even give it any thought in terms of "working". Just go day-by-day, incident-by-incident, and make sure your actions are not impulsive reactions. I hear a lot of my relationship/breakup in your story, including the whole phone/lease scenario and how we're feeling now (we love them, but we're not waiting around, dammit! I think we both know his little rebound is going to come crashing down at some point. Keep it up, and if you ever need a sounding board or a support-buddy, drop me a PM. I can relate so much, it's almost eerie. Also, love your signature.

Day 4 NC; Day 8 BU. Found out he slept with somebody sometime this week. Hurts. Kind of. But before I found out about that, my grandmother died. Yup. And he sent me an FB message almost as soon as I found out, saying he's sorry about grandma, he'll pray for me and my family. Wondering if I should break NC to say Thank You. I'm leaning towards no. I want to heal. I also want him back, but I accept that I don't want him the way he is right now. I want more. I want him on my terms. So I acknowledge the desire for his return, but accept that I must move on.

So what do you say? Should I even respond? Or do I wait till I'm a little less fragile? Maybe two months from now? >_> I already asked it on my own thread but want the opinion of those who support NC, as I'm truly afraid that breaking it even with something seemingly polite will cause regression (from my healing) and/or destroy our already minute chances of reconciling.

Day 3 NC

Day 7 BU

Feels like forever, but I do know better. I have no desire to contact him. I know that I want him back, it's a constant, nagging, needy desire, but I also realized that I should embrace the fact that I only want him on my terms. I want everything, or nothing at all. I want it all, and, dammit, I deserve it all, because I am prepared to give as much of myself to the one who deserves it. This relationship was toxic, because I allowed it to be so. It was my choice, and I blinded myself into thinking that it was okay to compromise so much of myself, that that was "what relationships are supposed to be about", that there was no place for pride or individuality in a relationship. I closed my eyes to his shortcomings, even fooled myself into believing that I must love him 'coz I accepted him for who he was. I know in my mind that my logic was severely flawed, and that he had forgotten my value because I was so accommodating to him. God, how is it that when women are selfish, men fall for them. Yet when we allow them into our lives, actually care about them, they start losing their respect for us. Are we forever doomed to the cyclical pattern of game-playing in order to truly experience the beauty of love?

These are the questions I would like to answer one day. But not tonight. Tonight, I have a heavy rock in my chest, weighing me down, but I am not crying hysterically anymore, nor am I scouring the internet for easy-fixes that I know will only waste my money.

Also, I am scared. He was supposed to bring my things over last night, so I stayed away from my house. He didn't. Now I'm feeling weird, and wondering how the hell I can facilitate getting my things back. I don't want to spend every day being afraid that it will be 'the day'. I don't want to worry about who's at my door, or what I'll find dumped at my doorstep when I get home. At the same time, I also don't want to initiate conversation of any kind, including anything business-like. It's too early, I'm too prone to being hurt. But what about my thiiiiings? Btw, if this was just random stuff, I wouldn't want them back. But it includes transcripts from other countries I studied at, text books, recommendations, work paraphernalia, etcetera. >.

On another note, I need to create a gratitude list. In the one week since I haven't been with him, so many blessings and accomplishments have come my way. I just gotta motivate myself to finally enjoy them.